Older, but not wiser...
You've been warned.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
TontoandFriends.com - A new beginning!
Older, but not wiser...
You've been warned.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Tonto's Pro Wrestling Adventure... The Deadly Chop!
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Whew! After a long Thanksgiving break with the new lady (who cooks a mean turkey, by the way), it was back to the grind yesterday learning my craft as a professional wrestler.
My sensei was late, so I started to warm up on the heavy bag. Man, it felt great throwing the 'ol one-two again right down the middle. Blind 'em with the jab, steam roll 'um with the right cross. While they're reeling, a left body shot from Tonto to the liver never hurt anyone... not permanently at least.
After working up a sweat, suddenly I hear, "Hope you don't plan on doing anything with those punches..." My sensei finally arrived.
Excuse me?! Those punches netted me 42 professional KOs, dickface.
My sensei proceeds to tell me that he's going to show me how to really throw a punishing strike... one of the most effective professional wrestling moves of all-time: The Deadly Chop!!!
Technique:
Used by just about every wrestler ever, but popularized by Ric Flair, the deadly chop is the wrestling equivalent of a stiff jab. Often referred to as a knifeegde chop, or a plan old chop, a fighter will wind up and stike his opponent across the chest with a backhanded slap. Another variation (seen more often used by Japanese fighters) is where a fighter will come forward with a overhand chop, but still landing in the chest region.
Like a jab, the deadly chop serves a number of purposes in a pro wrestling fight.
Many a pro wrestling match starts off with the two fighters trading deadly chops in the center of the ring. Clearly, their intent isn't to stun their opponent long enough to score a pinfall... oh no, the intent to to establish male dominance by seeing who will back down first. Typically, it's the better conditioned fighter who can hold on to proper technique the longest who will win out.
In this respect, the deadly chop is the most primal move there is in professional wrestling.
Later on in the fight, a deadly chop can be used more as a stunning blow to set up other more high-impact moves and holds. A properly applied deadly chop serves a number of goals: It momentarily retsricts the breathing of your opponent, it affects the central nervous system by sending a surging jolt through your muscles and joints (like sticking a fork in an electrical socket), and it's an effective mental warfare tool because it's really embarassing to be slapped by another man.
How To:
The secret to planting a wicked deadly chop on your opponent is that it's all in the hips. Just like throwing a cross in boxing, your power is generated by using your hips to unleash hell fury upon your opponent.
A great chop starts with footwork. Turn your body so that your feet are parallel with one another yet are at a 90 degree angle from your opponent. Bend you knees and turn your body away from your opponent as if you're a coiling serpant. Don't forget to keep your core tense (that's where the power comes from).
As you complete your windup, bring your lead arm up across your chest while keeping your shoulder, elbow, and wrist lined up horizontally while keeping your hand and fingers loose. Now, you're ready!
Quickly turn your hips towards your opponent to create a whip like effect culminating with a backhanded swat across your opponent's chest. Make sure to pivot on the balls of your feet at the end of the movement for full torque!
Some fighters like to cup their hands on the swat to focus the impact while others spread out their fingers to get a maximum spread of the damage.
Experiment and see what works for you! Pretty soon, you'll have crowds screaming "WHOOOOOO!" at your every chop!
NOTE: This move is to be done by professional wrestlers only! Do not practice this on your friends, family, or pets as serious injury can come as a result. Seek out a trained professional wrestling sensei if you are looking to train in the art of professional wrestling.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Tonto's New Adventure... Into the World of Pro Wrestling!!!
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They say that the best comedy comes from miserable people. I agree. Look at my staff! A cadre of repressed guilt, anger, malice, and I’m guessing a speech impediment (looking at you Linus). That’s made for some great, great comedy writing here at tontoandfriends.com.
Ahhh, but how things change.
As for me, I’m out of my studio apartment; I regained some of my lost notoriety, and most importantly… found myself some love.
It’s suddenly become difficult to look at life through the lens of satire I once possessed. As far as I’m concerned, life is fan-fuckin-tastic... which isn't always really funny.
So what? Is tontoandfriends.com down for the count?
No way!!! Never!!!
And you know why?!
I need money.
You see, being in love and living in a place that provides more in a kitchen than a nine-volt powered “hot plate” is one thing, but you have to pay for those luxuries… especially the love, so it’s back to work for Tonto.
I have a unique skill set in that I spent much of time as a highly tuned and graceful pugilist of the highest caliber and most recently have served as editor and chief (not "in chief" in my case) of this site… easily the funniest website of all-time, so I’ve decided to become a professional wrestler!!!!
Here’s what I’m going to do. First, I have to train and learn all the moves required to become a professional wrestler. While I’m doing that, I’m going to share those techniques I’m learning with the readers of tontoandfriends.com so that you too can learn the martial arts moves needed to become a professional wrestler.
I’ve already found my school and my sensei! He asked to remain anonymous for the time but has assured me that I will receive only the most top-notch of training techniques!
So far, I’ve learned one new move, the headlock, a basic of the professional wrestler.
The headlock is one of those moves that’s easy to learn but takes many months of practice to master.
Technique:
There’s two main variations to the headlock and each serve a different purpose. The first is where you focus pressure of the lock around the skull area of the head, primarily on the temples.
You want to grab this type of headlock earlier in the match where you can hope to put enough pressure on the temples to cause a vertigo reaction in your opponent by forcing synapses in their brain to fire off uncontrollably as a result of the pressure. The hope is to disorient the fighter for the remainder of the match.
There’s a second use of the headlock where you apply the same techniques described below only to the throat area of the neck. Be careful as you can only use this type of hold for up to five seconds or face losing the fight via disqualification. It’s typical to go for the neck later on in the fight as an oxygen removing type hold that makes for a good setup to your finishing hold.
How To:
Clasp your hands around the skull of your opponent and yank his head down just a few inches above your hip. You want to make sure that your hands are clasped together like you were an arm wrestler… I know, arm wrestling is a different martial art unto itself, but it is a form of wrestling and the hand placement in similar in this position.
Once you have the head near your hip, crank on the skull a bit to turn the head as close to a 45 degree angle as possible. This will help keep your opponent off-balance, preventing them from countering you with a back suplex or a low-blow. Famed champion Ric Flair was excellent at defending a poorly applied headlock with a proper forearm to the dangling coconuts.
Don’t forget to lower your center of gravity which allows you to utilize your core strength on the squeeze and also keeps your opponent off balance.
Once you have the head in position, make sure you arrange your arm so that the base of your opponent’s skull is trapped directly in the pocket of your bent arm.
At this point, you should be able to drive the side of your Radial bone into one temple while exerting pressure on the other temple with you Humerus bone.
The result is very uncomfortable hold that will pay dividends later in the fight!
- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.
NOTE: If you liked this article, there's more temple squeezing glory in our Sports Article Archive, our Ask a Pirate Archive, and our Political Article Archive!!!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Top 10 Bum Films of All-Time!!!
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[NOTE FROM THE CHIEF: It's time for a greatest hits piece once again! This time, I've selected one of my favorite articles from our (pardon the pun) resident professional bum, Slocomb Jones]
Just because you’re a bum doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy the finer things in life.
Alcohol.
The outdoors.
Cinema.
One of my favorite things to do at the peak of my bumming career was to sneak into the drive in. One time, I live behind screen 4 at Sam’s Family Drive-In from Godfather to Godfather 2. I left after Michael had Fredo killed.
Throughout my travels, I’ve seen lots of movies…mostly on department stores TV’s, which can be a pain because security usually throws you out ten minutes into the movie. So, as an expert on cinema and as a tenth degree black belt in the art of bum-fu, I feel more than qualified to present, what I consider, the top ten bum films of all-time.
10. City Lights – For the longest time, I though the movie player this was busted, because I could see the little guy talking to the blind girl, and all I heard was piano. One time, I got so drunk, I couldn’t hear people talk for two weeks…then I realized I had a pencil broke off in my ear. Anyway, this is every bum’s dream come too: you fall in love with a girl who loves you for who you are. Here’s the problem: bums don’t have dreams. That why we’re bums! It’s the profession for the non-dreamer.
It gets a low ranking because he made me cry at the end. Bums don’t cry. We don’t.
9. (tie) Rocky – Rocky Balboa was one bounced rent check away from being a mentally-challenged bum, but Apollo Creed changed by giving him a million to one shot. Here’s where it’s like real life: when bums get a chance to do something great…we fail. Just like Rocky. He lost. Like a true bum. In Rocky II, he stopped being a bum and I stopped caring. Call me when he’s back on the streets broke and fighting AIDS patients in the gutter. That’s a real bum.
9. (tie) On The Waterfront – I’ve never seen it, but I guess it’s about a guy who always says he’s a bum. Thing is, I guess he’s always crying about. Oh yeah, well boo-hoo. Stop whining. Another boxer who can’t win a fight. I can’t stand these kind of bums. Face it, you’re a bum. Embrace it. Don’t run from it. Change is for other people. Spare change is for us.
7. E! True Hollywood Story-Corey Haim – Wow, talk about a documentary! A guy who has it all to pawning your engagement ring for pizza cash. That proves that no matter what, some people just have the gift of bumness in them. It’s in their DNA. I like to think that I’m one of those people. I know Corey Haim is.
Handle your shit, Corey. Handle. Your. Shit.
6. Young Guns II – A true story about a gang of homeless guys who run amok. I would be afraid to be homeless back in the 19th century without the luxuries that bums enjoy today. This movie reinforces two very key rules of bum life. 1.) You can’t trust anybody. Even your closest friends will shoot you in the back and 2.) When you’re a rambling old man…no one takes you seriously. Even if you’re Billy The Kid.
Plus, the film has the best bum quote ever: “You asked me if I have scars? Yessir, I have my scars.”
5. Down and Out in Beverly Hills – This is every bum’s dream come true. Get taken in. Don’t have to work. Get to fool around with the housekeeper and wife. Free food Living the high life without forgetting who you are as a true bum. In fact, I moved to LA after this movie came out, but I couldn’t find Beverly Hills. I ended up in Sliverlake and was taken in by porn producers. I didn’t stay long. The best part of this movie is that they got a real life bum to play the bum in the movie!
4. Curly Sue – This movie proved that homeless people are cute, clever, and just looking to get by. This film did a lot to improve relations between the homed and homeless population for several weeks after the films release, but eventually things went back to pre-Curly Sue levels, which hurts the overall ranking. This film could have made a global impact, but, like anything bum related…it fell short.
3. Life Stinks – Perhaps no other film in history showed how hard it is to be bum. Even Mel Brooks couldn’t make it funny, despite his best effort. Had he put singing Nazis and the Ferris Bueller guy in it, he might have had something.
2. Hard Target – If there’s one person you don’t want to cross, it’s an out of work sailor. Next time you think about messing with the crazy looking bums…I want you to picture Chance Boudreaux. That’s right, the toughest bum this side of the Orient. With ass-kicking skills to boot. When you come across a bum with chiseled abs and a well-coiffed mullet, you give that dude your last quarter. Otherwise, he might just kill you and steal your woman.
1. The Big Lebowski – For some people, it’s Citizen Kane. For other, it’s some stupid French movie. For me, this is the best movie ever, bum or no bum. Why? The Dude. Jeff Lebowski. The greatest bum of all-time. No job. Hangs out with Vietnam Vets. Doesn’t pay rent. Bowls. Enjoys drugs and alcohol. Loves Credence. Hates The Eagles. Gets women. Pure bum.
Jeffrey Lebowski, the millionaire Jeffrey Lebowski was wrong. Our revolution is not over. The bums may always lose, but when we lose…we win!
- Slocomb Jones has been a professional bum for over 50 years. In April 2007, he officially announced his retirement as a bum, and has segued into a successful second career as a retired bum and part-time bum coach/advisor. Ironically, he’s busier now that he’s retired than he’s ever been in his entire life.
NOTE: If you liked this article, there's more cinematic rants in our Film Article Archive. We got some sonic rants in our Music Article Archives. Finally, the best rants of all are always political (well, depending on who does the ranting), and we give it our best shot in our Political Article Archives!!!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
FOUR SIGNS THAT SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS WHIPPED
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Hey.
You know that last scene in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?
The one where Jack Nicholson is laying on the hospital bed, turning on the drool factory?
Here’s a kick ass guy, throwing piss and vinegar at the people who try to hold him down, and in the end, he ends up a zombie.
Pretty sad stuff.
Now, I’m not saying Tonto Balboa was even remotely cool enough to shake hands with the guy who sold another guy the tongs that were used to carry Jack Nicholson’s jock strap, but still – it’s pretty amazing how being whipped can take somebody to a whole new level of pathetic behavior.
And, when I say whipped, I don’t mean “pussy whipped.” Nobody’s ever been taken into intensive care from an ill-timed duck from a set of aggressive labia.
Being whipped applies to any gender beating another down until whatever spot of personality they once possessed is just plain gone.
Tonto moved in with Stephany, a worthless piece of spunk who (aside from turning in posts with the quality and frequency of a constipated, plague-infected monkey) seems to almost delight into hollowing out what small quiet corner of self-dignity the disgraced pugilist once had.
How do I know?
I’m a mime, folks. When you don’t talk, you pay a hell of a lot more attention to what people do, how they expose their true intentions.
I offer this list of warning signs of whippitude to you, my Internet morons, so that you may save your loved ones, co-workers, hell – even strangers on the street from a fate worse than being alone: being stone cold whipped.
1) Increased irritability - When someone you know no longer thinks that setting small pets on fire is funny, take a second look at them.
Odds are, they’re riding the Whipping train. Or maybe it’s their pet. Sometimes it’s hard to read ID tags when you’re reeling after twelve Lemon Pledge cocktails.
2) Ridiculous Attempts at Self-Improvement - I’m not talking about losing weight, or upgrading your meals from week-old Chinese food you found in a dumpster to things you buy at a store (though those are lame in their own way), I mean stranger things, like when I broke into Tonto’s apartment and found a highlighted copy of “Fifty Ways to Spice Up Your Love Life” in a locked drawer.
(P.S. Tonto, it doesn’t matter how expensive your lock is when the wood it’s attached to is cheap ass Formica)
3) Lack of Dreams - Ever since I’ve met Tonto, he’s been talking to anyone who would listen to him, pitching his plan to launch a series of themed restaurants called “Tacos with Tonto.” Some kind of Tex-Mex-Indian-Chuck-E-Cheese abomination.
Now, all he can yammer on and on about making avant-garde films with Stephany.
Sad, sad, sad.
4) Extreme Pressure on Others to Love the Whipping Party - “Isn’t Stephany great, Linus?”
“Don’t you love how she styled her hair with a fork and some bacon grease?”
“Look at this post – can’t you see how the humor pours out of her like wine?”
The whipped individual is like one of those Scientology cult members who gets so far up on the ladder that all the major secrets of the religion are revealed to be complete and utter crap.
Angered by being lied to, their only consolation comes from persuading others to piss away their time and energy with bullshit.
Don’t play their game. When you get bombarded with their questions, say, “He/She/It is a truly something….”
If you get constantly attacked with more attempts to curry your favor, take drastic measures.
Cut off one of their fingers, or something.
Got any other clues on how to see the whipping scars? Leave a comment!
- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.
NOTE: If you liked this post, there's more "advice" in our Crime Article Archive. If you didn't like this article, perhaps we can comfort you with our Music Article Archive. Or, if you just need a few more minutes to kill before your boss MAKES you do that dumb project, there's always our Sports Article Archive!!!
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