Today's addition to my list of awesome films is From Dusk Till Dawn, a classic 1996 horror/action/awesome film written by Quintin Tarantino and directed by Robert Rodriguez. This film marks George Clooney's first film role after success on that show about doctors and he couldn't have picked a better film to star in!
Plot: A pair of bank robbers, Seth and Richie Gecko (George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino, respectively) are on their way to Mexico, more specifically El Ray, to evade the FBI. Along the way, the Gecko Brothers kidnap a family in an RV and force the family to help smuggle them into Mexico. Once they are safely south of the border, they stop at a grungy truck stop where the real action begins. You see, this is no ordinary truck stop... no, no. All the strippers and employees are really a bunch of bad ass vampires!
What choice do our heroes have but to fight back and kill as many vampires as they can?!
The Awesome
Classic Monologues: There have been some great monologues in the English language: "To be or not to be" from Hamlet; "The Horror..." from Apocalypse Now; "I'm mad as hell..." from Network, and so on, but none are as poetic or emotionally affecting as the one delivered in From Dusk Till Dawn by Chet Pussy, as portrayed by Cheech Marin.
Not to be outdone, the awesome Fred Williamson delivers a more somber and intense, but equally awesome monologue about 'Nam and how the human spirit will find a way to survive!
The Supporting Cast: In addition to the aforementioned Cheech Marin and Fred Williamson, you have Tom Savini as Sex Machine and Danny Trejo as Razor Charlie. Rounding out the awesomeness of the supporting cast is John Saxon as FBI Agent Stanley Chase. My only complaint is that Saxon wasn't able to bust out some Roper-esque martial arts.
Don't know who Roper is, or what that's referring too? Well, now you do:
Full Tilt Boogie: While not a part of the film directly, but the behind the scenes documentary, Full Tilt Boogie, is one of the better full-length "movie about a movie" documentaries you'll see. Any movie with a Kennedy joke in the opening is okay by me.
Most Awesome Moment: No discussion of this film is complete without mentioning Satanico Pandemonium. Oh, screw mentioning it, let's get to some watching:
Okay Tonto, I've had enough of this nonsense now. You're quitting, you're not quitting, yes, you are, no, you're not... Make up your mind! Actually, you know what, I'm making it up for you! If I'm the only one writing for this site, then so be it. I'd change the name but that would cost money and I'm not in the business of paying for something when a free option makes just as much sense, ya feel me.
Besides, I've been sitting on this 1000 Awesome Movies list for Gozer knows how long now, and I'm doing it! So let's get to it, shall we?!
Before I get started, for all you film geeks that like to argue over stuff like this, this isn't a countdown. It's just a list of awesome.
Awesome Movie #1 - Big Trouble in Little China
If Big Trouble in Little China isn't the Citizen Kane of awesome, it's easily the Potempkin or The Godfather.
Kurt Russell stars as Jack Burton in this 1986 masterpiece directed by John Carpenter.
Plot: Truck driver Jack Burton and his buddy Wang (an actual person, not a euphemism) have to go underground in San Francisco, well, Chinatown specifically to rescue Wang's girlfriend. You see, Wang's girlfriend has herself some sexy green eyes which is exactly what Lo Pan, a 2,000 year-old cursed sorcerer, needs to sacrifice to end his curse. The Awesome
Jack Burton's Way With the Ladies - Burton is asked if he's going to kiss Kim Cattrall goodbye. His response is priceless.
The Exploding Head - Unless it's a serious WWII or Oliver Stone movie, an exploding head is almost always an awesome sight to behold.
Bad Ass Fight Scenes - Sword fights, gun fights, mystical power battles, and over the top Kung-Fu.
Lo Pan - In the realm of best villain discussions, David Lo Pan is often always overlooked. When we meet him, he dares Burton to nail him with his truck and Burton does. Is he squished? Hell no! He pops up on the other side and shoots lasers from his eyes. Far more awesome of an entrance than blasting your way onto a spaceship (I'm looking at you, Darth)
Most Awesome Moment: If there was ever a moment more awesome in film history, I've yet to see it.
[NOTE FROM "THE CHIEF" - The following is another installment in learning what our contributors have been up to while our site was inactive. - Tonto]
Hey.
Fuck you, Tonto.
Eat a piñata filled with broken light bulbs and shit until your bloody liver’s smiling at you in the winky water.
Let me just say that I fucking hate quitters.
Tonto screwed the pooch when he abandoned the site. Gone were the hot and gullible internet sluts with their love of a bad boy wearing whiteface. Farewell to the fear and respect that having a world-wide column of crime brought me.
Hell, the bitch didn’t even pay me for the last month I wrote articles.
I’ve removed corneas from people for lesser offenses. With a pair of chopsticks.
So, what’s a mime to do?
I figured Balboa has to have something in his shit-hole apartment I could hock to cover his debt. A stolen car and fourteen hours later, I’m knocking on his window with a brick and three pregnant skunks I’ve tied together.
Also, they were on fire.
The skunks and the brick break open the window. They start pissing, spattering their placentas around the room, and spraying their scent everywhere. Turns out, skunk spray is more flammable than napalm. Tonto’s wigwam goes up in flames, and it levels the whole goddamned city block.
Not what I wanted, but destruction’s lovely, nonetheless. I’m a performance artist, after all, and worn-out sacks of crap like Tonto are my medium.
But I got screwed. Turns out I wasn’t the only person looking for Balboa. CIA were on the scene in seconds. I didn’t even have a chance to toast some marshmallows on the open flames.
Now, any of your morons out there who’ve been paying attention know that me and the government spies go way back. They’ve been humping my leg ever since I sold my first kidney to a member of the Chechen mafia. I worked at lot with the FBI and CIA in order to knock off my jail time and take some of my enemies down. Just enough cooperation on my part so I could be there face to face with the bastards before the last breath pissed outta their lungs and the agents got to handle corpse detail.
But still, I hate these guys. There’s no style to what they do. Guns blazing, interrogation techniques straight outta a box of cracker jacks.
The CIA jumps on me; five guys whip out their pistols and slap me across my face like it’s a circle jerk. After they have their fun, they toss me in a car and knock me out.
When I come to, I’m naked, tied to a wooden chair. There’s a desk with a gun right in front of me. Room’s lit just enough to see the desk. I do a backwards somersault and break the chair. Fucks up my wrists pretty bad, but now I’m able to untie myself.
Suddenly, this asshole turns on the lights, and runs to grab the gun on the desk. Before he can reach it, I’ve wrapped a piece of the rope and a chair leg around his ankle, and flipped him in the air like a quarter.
He hits the ground. Hard. I run up to him, squeeze the rope as tight as I can against his thick government neck. Just before I have a chance to hear his spine crack, he groans: Chūnori.
I drop him. Hadn’t heard that name in years, and I won’t lie. It scared me. I’ve seen more terrifying things in an hour that most of you will ever experience. But, if that fucking psychotic clown was still alive, then this world was in for some pain.
While the CIA guy’s coughing, he pulls out a folder and hands it me. It’s all there.
Clowns are crazy people. As a whole, they’re undisciplined, weak. They tend to work best in groups. Despite all that crap about being scared of them, you could easily drop a clown to the floor with a feather and a basic understanding of the human respiratory system.
But kabuki clowns, they are the Green Beret of them all. Almost as determined and savage as a mime. Tell me how spending your whole life denying oneself the right to fucking blink is gonna make your head straight. It ain’t.
Chūnori and I went to school together, until about a year into the program. He was deported back to Osaka for slaughtering all forty-eight people who attended his final project for class. Said they had to die – it was the will of kyū - the Kabuki law that demanded art be ended with speed, to erase all that had been present. His father was a diplomat in France, so he walked away.
The man had no passion or understanding of art. He just liked killing people.
And that’s why they brought me here. The CIA couldn’t stop Chūnori, so they wanted to send a mime to do a fool’s errand; find this kabuki killer, and put him down.
I nodded my head, the doors opened, and I had no choice but to accept my fate...
(to be continued)
- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.
And I thought Larry Holmes put me down for the count. Holy shit, was I wrong. As our loyal readers know, just about a year ago I embarked on a second career. Third, if you count my stint (stint being defined as 1992 - 2005) as a door-to-door salesman peddling the finest Indian Shit a bored housewife or stoned night class college student could find. Fourth, if you count a six-month run as a plasma donor in '88. Fifth, if you count my run as Editor and "Chief" of Tontoandfriends.com. I'm getting off the topic here.
And the topic at hand is: Where in God's Holy Name of Harold Have You All Been?! That takes us back to that career change thingy. I took up the art of professional wrestling and things were for once looking good for me right off the bat. I'd learned the basics of the headlock and the dreaded deadly chop. Then we were taught the pile driver.
A pile driver takes it names from the piece of machinery that impales the seafloor with beams of wood, metal, and anything else that needs to be pierced into the ocean. As the move pertains to professional wrestling, you simulate the pile driving with your opponents head going skull cap first into the canvas, rendering them in a state of unconsciousness long enough to secure a three count.
The details, like most of Dec 2008 - April 2009, are fuzzy but long story short: don't practice pile drivers on day three of professional wrestling class and don't ever practice them on a day where the only other guy who showed up is a midget.
In an instant I went from, "Are you sure this will be okay?" to "Ummm, Mr. Balboa, we need your birth name so that the hospital knows which insurance company to bill." One of the effects of being in what medical professionals call an "epic" coma is slight to moderate memory loss. Of course, I ended up on the north side of moderate and now I don't remember what my real name was. My driver's license says Tonto Balboa - a manager said I should do that two decades ago to "further the persona." Thanks.
So now I'm nearly six-figures in debt, several months of my life gone, a neck that barely works, and NO MEANS of earning an income... with the exception of this here website. They say in life one should count what one has instead of what one has not. I've got Schmooz, Linus, Vans, Melvin, Bustamante, Slocomb, and Stephany. Eh, I guess that's something, isn't it. Here goes nothing.
- Tonto Balboa, real name permanently unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. After sustaining a neck injury by way of a botched pile driver from a midget while training for a career in pro-wresting, he returns to his fourth or fifth love - serving as Editor and "Chief" of TontoandFriends.com.
NOTE: Want to catch up on some of our best stuff? Of course you do! Check our our local mime, Linus, as he satirically shows off some of his best crime writing. For the advice seekers, look no further than Melvin the Pirate and his outrageously popular Ask a Pirate column.
[NOTE FROM THE CHIEF: It's time for a greatest hits piece once again! This time, I've selected one of my favorite articles from our (pardon the pun) resident professional bum, Slocomb Jones]
Just because you’re a bum doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy the finer things in life. Alcohol. The outdoors. Cinema. One of my favorite things to do at the peak of my bumming career was to sneak into the drive in. One time, I live behind screen 4 at Sam’s Family Drive-In from Godfather to Godfather 2. I left after Michael had Fredo killed.
Throughout my travels, I’ve seen lots of movies…mostly on department stores TV’s, which can be a pain because security usually throws you out ten minutes into the movie. So, as an expert on cinema and as a tenth degree black belt in the art of bum-fu, I feel more than qualified to present, what I consider, the top ten bum films of all-time.
10. City Lights – For the longest time, I though the movie player this was busted, because I could see the little guy talking to the blind girl, and all I heard was piano. One time, I got so drunk, I couldn’t hear people talk for two weeks…then I realized I had a pencil broke off in my ear. Anyway, this is every bum’s dream come too: you fall in love with a girl who loves you for who you are. Here’s the problem: bums don’t have dreams. That why we’re bums! It’s the profession for the non-dreamer.
It gets a low ranking because he made me cry at the end. Bums don’t cry. We don’t.
9. (tie) Rocky – Rocky Balboa was one bounced rent check away from being a mentally-challenged bum, but Apollo Creed changed by giving him a million to one shot. Here’s where it’s like real life: when bums get a chance to do something great…we fail. Just like Rocky. He lost. Like a true bum. In Rocky II, he stopped being a bum and I stopped caring. Call me when he’s back on the streets broke and fighting AIDS patients in the gutter. That’s a real bum.
9. (tie) On The Waterfront – I’ve never seen it, but I guess it’s about a guy who always says he’s a bum. Thing is, I guess he’s always crying about. Oh yeah, well boo-hoo. Stop whining. Another boxer who can’t win a fight. I can’t stand these kind of bums. Face it, you’re a bum. Embrace it. Don’t run from it. Change is for other people. Spare change is for us.
7. E! True Hollywood Story-Corey Haim – Wow, talk about a documentary! A guy who has it all to pawning your engagement ring for pizza cash. That proves that no matter what, some people just have the gift of bumness in them. It’s in their DNA. I like to think that I’m one of those people. I know Corey Haim is. Handle your shit, Corey. Handle. Your. Shit.
6. Young Guns II – A true story about a gang of homeless guys who run amok. I would be afraid to be homeless back in the 19th century without the luxuries that bums enjoy today. This movie reinforces two very key rules of bum life.
1.) You can’t trust anybody. Even your closest friends will shoot you in the back.
2.) When you’re a rambling old man…no one takes you seriously. Even if you’re Billy The Kid.
Plus, the film has the best bum quote ever: “You asked me if I have scars? Yessir, I have my scars.”
5. Down and Out in Beverly Hills – This is every bum’s dream come true. Get taken in. Don’t have to work. Get to fool around with the housekeeper and wife. Free food Living the high life without forgetting who you are as a true bum. In fact, I moved to LA after this movie came out, but I couldn’t find Beverly Hills. I ended up in Sliverlake and was taken in by porn producers. I didn’t stay long. The best part of this movie is that they got a real life bum to play the bum in the movie!
4. Curly Sue – This movie proved that homeless people are cute, clever, and just looking to get by. This film did a lot to improve relations between the homed and homeless population for several weeks after the films release, but eventually things went back to pre-Curly Sue levels, which hurts the overall ranking. This film could have made a global impact, but, like anything bum related…it fell short.
3. Life Stinks – Perhaps no other film in history showed how hard it is to be bum. Even Mel Brooks couldn’t make it funny, despite his best effort. Had he put singing Nazis and the Ferris Bueller guy in it, he might have had something.
2. Hard Target – If there’s one person you don’t want to cross, it’s an out of work sailor. Next time you think about messing with the crazy looking bums…I want you to picture Chance Boudreaux. That’s right, the toughest bum this side of the Orient. With ass-kicking skills to boot. When you come across a bum with chiseled abs and a well-coiffed mullet, you give that dude your last quarter. Otherwise, he might just kill you and steal your woman.
1. The Big Lebowski – For some people, it’s Citizen Kane. For others, it’s some stupid French movie. For me, this is the best movie ever, bum or no bum. Why? The Dude. Jeff Lebowski. The greatest bum of all-time. No job. Hangs out with Vietnam Vets. Doesn’t pay rent. Bowls. Enjoys drugs and alcohol. Loves Credence. Hates The Eagles. Gets women. Pure bum. Jeffrey Lebowski, the millionaire Jeffrey Lebowski was wrong. Our revolution is not over. The bums may always lose, but when we lose…we win!
- Slocomb Jones has been a professional bum for over 50 years. In April 2007, he officially announced his retirement as a bum, and has segued into a successful second career as a retired bum and part-time bum coach/advisor. Ironically, he’s busier now that he’s retired than he’s ever been in his entire life.NOTE: If you liked this article, there's more cinematic rants in our Film Article Archive. We got some sonic rants in our Music Article Archives. Finally, the best rants of all are always political (well, depending on who does the ranting), and we give it our best shot in our Political Article Archives!!!
