TontoandFriends.com

There’s only a few things in life that really upset me. The ’88 Washington Redskins are one of them. I spent most of the 1980’s in DC, because I supported Reagan. I liked where he stood on Russia. Those people are all government sponsored bums. I didn’t like that. I say, if you’re gonna be a bum, do it on you own. Don’t let the government do it for. Anyway, I agreed when Reagan said he…well, he said he didn’t like it either. So, during my time in DC, I was a ‘Skins fan, which is why they really upset me in ’88. I also never like unicycles. But there’s one thing that always gets stuck in my craw, and that’s a no-good lying bum who’s trying to deceive his customers by pretending to be something he’s not. Now I’m not talking about the guy who makes a version of the “Vietnam Vet” sign. That’s not honorable where I come from, but it’s not repugnant. One time, I made a sign that said, “I helped free the Slaves in the Civil War. Union Vet. Long Live Lincoln.” I lived well on that sign for several weeks. My fellow servicemen who served in Vietnam didn’t find it funny, but I’m not concerned with them. I’m concerned with the public; the people who pay my bills. I always wanted to let my sense of humor shine through. So, you can understand why I was so upset with this guy who work a median in the town I retired too…a beach town on the west coast – that’s a specific as I’ll get. He spends his working day slumped over in a wheelchair with his requisite “please help” sign. That alone bugs me. You need to provide your customers more content than “please help.” Write a joke, a limerick, a poem, etc. It’s your job to make their time at a red light enjoyable, not awkward. I always wondered how he got his chair up onto the curb of the median anyway, so my bull-malarkey senses were tingling as it was. The other day I was enjoying a cup of coffee at the local Burger King when I see someone young and employed pushing an empty wheelchair, and I thought someone had robbed this bum, when, lo and behold, here come Mr. Slumpy trotting up behind. He was trotting! This wasn’t the same pathetic bum who lied to people all day, pretending to be something he’s not. By the time you’re reading this, know that I’m going to have a little talking to with Mr. Slumpy and what it means to be a professional bum. You have to make it on your own accord. If you want to be an actor, be an actor. Like Reagan. But don’t pretend to be worthless bum, when you’re just a bum. It makes the rest of us look like amateurs. If he wants to act like that, maybe he should go to Russia where they endorse that sort of behavior. - Slocomb Jones has been a professional bum for over 50 years. In April 2007, he officially announced his retirement as a bum, and has segued into a successful second career as a retired bum and part-time bum coach/advisor. Ironically, he’s busier now that he’s retired than he’s ever been in his entire life.