Jun 29, 2007
BUSTAMANTE'S GUIDE TO GETTING THE MOST FROM A NUDE BEACH
By Bustamante - firstname.lastname@example.org The human body is a beautiful thing. Many say we’re made in God’s image. I don’t. I think we’re the ultimate form of nature in its purest form. That’s why I love going to a great nude beach. A nude beach can be a wonderful experience. I’ve had great times while parading around in nature’s swimsuit. Like many, I’ve also had bad times. Like the time I used a coconut-based banana flavor tanning oil while basking in the rich sun of Jamaica. I knew the monkeys there are used to human interaction, but yikes...leggo my nutzo, you know. Unlike many though, I learned from my bad times, and made myself return to nude beaches when I didn’t want to. That’s how a person grows, in a Jungian sense, of course. So, thanks to my years spent dipping into the smooth rays of the sun with nothing between me and that vast collection of nuclear explosions except for my all too human emotion and my aura, I’ve put together a guideline for people to use to make the most of their nude beach experiences. Of course, should you follow these and not learn from your mistakes, you will continue to live a surface value life, and never gain true understanding, as I have. But hey, who am I to get in the way of shared human experience, when I can type it up for you lickety split…that’s right, lickety split. Rule 1. You’re not the ugliest person there. There’s always someone who is uglier, fatter, shorter, harrier, you name it, than you are. So relax. You may not be a Greek God, but you’re certainly not hideous. Leave hideous for the next guy. Don’t worry, he’s there...and I know for a fact that she’s there. They may be down the beach a little, but rest assured that there’s always someone worse than you. All you have to do is look. Rule 2. No hard ons. None. Never. This should be rule 1, but I don’t want to turn off my female readers. You’re in a public place, and are naked with hundreds of other naked people (many of whom may be attractive), that’s no place for arousal. You should be above that. Rule 3. Apply sunscreen before you arrive. Sure there’s the safety reason - you want to give the sunscreen time to get into your pores, but there’s something more important than that. You don’t want to people to see you apply it. You want them to think that you’re naturally that golden bronze (well, bronze until it rains on you for a long time). A nude beach is all about perception eye of others. Do your part. Rule 4. No animals. Look, there’s no rules on a nude beach, but leave Mao at home (doesn’t everyone name their dog Mao?). It’s pretty simple. Dogs like to smell things...many times they like to then lick the things they’ve smelled. Moving on... Rule 5. Should you forget and have to apply sunscreen, be very careful how you apply in to certain regions of your body. Think about it...sitting down and applying a creamy white liquid to there can give the wrong impression. In fact, I once served 30 days for a misunderstanding between the Santa Monica P.D. and my application of sunscreen. Charges were dropped, but not before a lot of embarrassment. Rule 6. Swim Alone. A loner is more appealing. Nude beaches are all about appeal. Few things ruin appeal that being with a buddy who may have better applied my rules than you have. You don’t want to look like the only way you can do public nudity is to be around your friends. This isn’t a fraternity. That, and you run the risk of body surfing in the same wave as your buddy. If the current has it’s way...all I’m saying is that things have been known to go bump in the ocean when two people ride the same wave. It’s been six years, and things are still weird between me and my old roommate. Rule 7. Tug it before you come out of the water. Water does many wonderful things for the human body. Nourish. Clean. Cool. It can also cause some serious shrinkage. Serious. The ocean will always be lukewarm at best. Use this information to your advantage. Before you’re about to come back to the sand, rub yourself a bit. This is a technique that must be mastered, and can lead to serious trouble. See rule #1...plus, see the penal code of your local community. However, once you master this rule, you will stick out amongst the others as an Adonis. People always assume that the shrinking is in effect, and if they think that what your sporting is what’s already been shrunk...well, you should be able to reap those benefits. And really, that’s what nude beaches are all about...reaping those benefits! What about you? Got any other tips or stories to help survive a nude beach? - Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.