TontoandFriends.com

So, I’m back from serving on jury duty. I’ll spare you the case details for now. I served one day and was dismissed – again, for reasons I’ll get into later. After the first day, we were sequestered and they put us up in a motel. It was a decent place. The carpet was old, flat, and green. There were some cheap paintings on the wall. You know the ones; they paint an out of focus flower and think it’s a sign of class. A firm queen-sized bed was smack dab in the center of the room. I flopped down on the bed, and I think I strained my neck. When I was fighting Larry Holmes, he caught me with a left hook in the 6th that jarred my C-4 vertebrae. I’ve had problems with it ever since. I didn’t bring a change of clothes, but they comped us the laundry charge. That was nice, all things considered. Now, when you’re sequestered, you’re not allowed to watch TV or read the newspaper…but we were allowed to watch the Pay Per View movies. These were also free of charge to us on the jury. I left my clothes outside the door in bag for the laundry maid, took a shower, and wrapped myself up in a robe for a few hours until my clothes were ready. All they had to watch was crap. Crap. And more crap. Until my eyes stumbled across the 24 hour all aXXXess adult entertainment channel. What the hell, right? Right. It was simple enough. The screen said to dial “199.” Easy enough. “Thank you for calling All aXXXcess Entertainment. Please enter your room number,” a sweet voice cooed to me over the phone. “OK, use the number pad on your telephone to enter your selection now.” The choices were limited. You had legal teens, Latinas, Asians, milfs, and your standard films. I chose a standard film. I typed in the correct number and off I was to kill some time until my clothes were ready. Then, a funny thing happened. Fifteen seconds into the movie, the screen froze. I tried calling to reorder; this time I selected a Latina feature…and that froze too. I tried a milf…froze. Asians…frozen. Even legal teens…froze again. Thankfully, there was a 1-800 number to call for customer service. A young lady answered the phone. Damn. “Uh yeah, we…” – I said “we” because I didn’t want her to think I was a loner ordering porno in a hotel room. I explained the problem and she was very helpful. I tried unplugging the system behind the TV, but nothing helped. My screen was stuck with the opening credits of “Daddy’s Youngin’s 83,” and there I was asking for anonymous help over the phone, trying to get free porno on my screen, wearing nothing but an off-white bath robe with a faded hotel logo poorly stitched across the chest. My clothes weren’t going to be ready for at least two hours. The next morning the judge opened the proceedings by saying, “Just for the record, taxpayers don’t mind paying for jury services as per the US Constitution, but I don’t think they appreciate fitting the bill for all day pornography.” Everyone looked at me. I’ve had better moments in my life. - Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.