So, Tonto asked me to write what I know, which is the subject of this post. In my opinion, being angry just means that you’re paying attention to this crap salad of a world, and not tuning out when someone or something comes around to ruin your day.
Here’s the list, in order of lowest amount of red-hot anger to an extreme, blood-boiling rage:
10) Lo-Jack - It’s the reason why I spent fifteen years on vacation in OSP. I can understand people wanting to attach it on their cars and whatnot, but who ever heard of putting it on a crate full of human organs? I mean really, if they’re out of a person’s body, they’re fair game, in my opinion.
9) Delayed orgasms - Look, I’m a mime. An artist, if you will. Not a lot of liquid assets at my disposal. Motels charge by the hour, and lady friends aren’t very patient. I’m not a zero to sixty kind of guy, and making it to the finish line sucks when your companion’s painting their fingernails about forty minutes into a date.
8) The lack of appreciation of mime - Yeah, I know it’s not a game show, or a movie, or some island where people are voted off for stupid reasons, but the artistry of mime is an old and fascinating art form, by people like me who do it right. Go see good mimes, and tip them well, because they will knock your fillings right out of your teeth if you don’t.
7) The resiliency of the human skull - It’s not funny. If I’m trying to shake somebody down for their wallet, or have a fistfight with a certain motel manager who’s a little stingy on the concept of sixty minutes, I need to be able to knock their head open quick, fast – now. It seems I keep running into some kind of super race of donkey-headed people who bring me to sweat before I can drop them like a sack of potatoes.
6) People who own a safe, but put nothing of value in them - Big pet peeve of mine. Scouting a house takes planning, and if I’ve gone to the trouble of using my god-given talents to crack open your safe, they had damn well better be something more valuable than the baseball glove your daddy gave you before he died. Cash, stocks, jewelry, credit cards, and passports are what go in a safe. If I don’t see those, I’ll be sure to leave a present in the safe myself before I leave.
5)Pimples caused by greasepaint - As I said before, I never take off my makeup. And the pimples you get from constant exposure to greasepaint are murder. I’ve had pimples the size of cherries coming out of my eye sockets.
4) Skin-tight pants - A wallet grab is the most basic part of my day. I used to go to bars and nightclubs and collect there, but people have started wearing the tightest, ass-clinging pants. A fly could land on them, and you’ll feel like somebody copped a feel. Bring back the baggy pants, I say!
3) Mace - Jeez, I’d like to think, after all the times I’ve been subjected to the stuff, that I’ve developed some kind of tolerance to it, but no, as soon as that thin little can is aimed right me, and the death-trigger pulled, I know I’ll be on my hands and knees, messing up my greasepaint with some hard-earned tears.
2) Human Statues - Human statues are to mime what microwave macaroni and cheese is to filet mignon. Human statues can suck it, for all I care. All they do is paint themselves one color, and stand somewhere. No story, nothing. And people pay them more money than me!!!! Any time a human statue is dumb enough to try to busk near me, I pee on them.
1) Girl Scouts - Those no-good, crappy-cookie selling, fugly, knuckle-dragging, price-gouging, puke-colored skirt-wearing, watered down version of the Boy Scouts!!! They make me so furious, I wish I could cover them with gravy and let a giant pool of piranhas crunch their little bones like tacos!! I’ve got a few ways to deal with these punks, though...
Until next time, write me back with the stuff that pisses you off.
LINUS
- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.
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