They take someone’s life and mold it like it was a big green slab of play-doh.
Just when that play-doh gets old, smelly, and not as flexible (even after you get it wet), they throw it away.
That’s what happened to me. I was the play-doh...except for the old and smelly part.
As a professional athlete, the right endorsement can make or break your career. In the late 80’s, I thought I had that endorsement sealed up. You see, I may have never won the heavyweight title (thanks for knocking me out, Larry Holmes), but I was supposed to be the Major Circuit Champion in "Larry Homles’ Punch Out." Not that juiced up club fighter, Bald Bull. That’s right, Bald Bull was on the juice. At least the guy they patterned him off of was. 298lbs., my ass. Everyone in boxing knew it.
Like I said, when the suits get involved, it all goes to crap...especially when they’re helped out by a right hand.
By the way, you read me right: Larry Holmes’ Punch Out. That was the plan. Then this happened:
Two days later, I was called up by Nintendo and was told that someone “in the higher ups” thought it “didn’t make sense” for me to be in the game. I was known for my fight with Holmes. That was it, according to them.
They had my character ready to go. I was animated. Everything. But, I guess I didn’t factor into Mike Tyson’s world, or says some Nintendo exec. Instead Bald Bull gets my spot. He was already a World Circuit ranked fighter, so they handed him the Major Circuit belt. Dick.
So what? It’s just a video game, right? Wrong. That decision cost me everything.
1.) Immortality - Fact: Every fighter wants to live forever. Fact: Most fighters are forgotten about before they die. Fact: I would’ve had toys made in my likeness. Fact: People love nostalgia...Mike Tyson’s Punch Out will be played forever. Without me.
2.) Respect - They put you in a game, especially as a champ, that means something. It means a company is willing to get behind you. It means that they think putting your name and face on a poster will sell tickets...well, games in this case. They put Von Kaiser in the game, but not a real fighter? That hurts.
3.) Future Fights - Once word got around the boxing world that I was 86’d from the game, I became a joke. Promoters laughed at the thought of me on their card. I could still go at that point too. The only fights I could get were at county fairs and at the opening of car dealerships...jerks wouldn’t even let me test drive a car. “We can’t sell a car with bloodstains on the seat.”
4.) My Marriage - Yup, I was married. She said that she couldn’t stand the thought of waking up next to me every morning. She never mentioned the game necessarily...but the two events were so close together, there’s no way they weren’t connected. Besides, we weren’t communicating well at that time, so who knows what was going on in her head. I blame Larry Holmes.
5.) No More Selling Indian Shit - I could live off residual money. I wouldn’t have to go door-to-door banking on my fading celebrity status as a means for income. No more filming late night infomercials hosted by some dope addict who was a child star 35 years ago. I could relax. Save. Invest. Look at myself in the mirror without tears.
Here’s to what could’ve been...
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- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.
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