The 10 Funniest ways the US tried to "Whack" Fidel Castro

Here’s a little known fact: Fidel Castro was a decent athlete and even had a tryout to pitch in the major leagues. However, his curve ball didn’t break hard enough and he went back to Cuba a defeated man with plans of global domination.

Of course, this didn’t sit well with the U.S., so they tried to off the would be hurler.

They tried…

And tried…

And tried…

And tried…

And tried…

Beginning in 1960, the US tried to catch Castro slipping, so to speak…and it’s been the Keystone Cops ever since.

10. Hair Removing Shoes – If you’re not gonna kill someone, you may as well kill their pride. That’s what the CIA figured when they tossed around the notion of lacing Castro’s shoes with a powder that would make all of his hair fall out. The prized manly beard. The famed Latino chest hair. Even the pubes. All gone. Surely the Cuban people would lose all faith in him and rise up, right?

Why it failed: Lex Luthor had no body hair and even Superman had problems with him. Plus…hair grows back.

9. Wet Suit – The waters off Cuba are perfect for scuba all year round. As supreme ruler, Castro took full advantage of the vast ocean, reefs, and whatever else that surrounds Cuba. The CIA had developed a wetsuit that was an ideal gift for Castro: the respirator was treated with (not for) tuberculosis and the rest of the suit was outfitted with madura foot spores. Am American lawyer negotiating for the Bay of Pigs prisoners to be released was to give the suit, which just happened to be the right size, to Casto as a goodwill gesture.

Why it failed: A diplomat gave Castro an uncontaminated suit. Party-pooper. I guess he figured “murder” wasn’t the best negotiating strategy.

8. Shellfish – The CIA is not known to give up easy, and if Castro wouldn’t wear a contaminated suit, then dammit, go back to the drawing board. Since Castro likes to dive (maybe not so much anymore), why not put an exploding conch shell at the bottom of the sea? That was one of the plans kicked around by the CIA.

Why it failed: Because it’s fucking stupid.

7. Trick Cigars – Remember what would happen whenever Larry, Moe, Curly, and even Shemp would smoke a stogie? Three points for you if you guessed, “blew the hell up!” Castro is always seen smoking fine cigars (Cubans probably), so why not use that fact to an advantage, right? On a scheduled trip to New York, the plan was to get the tainted wrapped tobacco into Castro’s mouth. Obviously, it didn’t work.

Why it failed: Special CIA agent Bugs Bunny, who was MIA for year after not taking a left turn in "Albukoikee," was unavailable to work the job. Too bad, as he had a much better track record with exploding cigars. Just ask Elmer Fudd.

6. Ask an Author – According to rumor, JFK had informally talked with 007 author, Ian Fleming, on possible suggestions to oust Castro.

Why it failed: They couldn’t even pull off trick cigars, it’s not like they were going to pull off going all “Moonraker” on Cuba’s ass.

5. Coffee – In yet another attempt to play with poison, the CIA developed pills that would not only dissolve in coffee, but also contained botulinum, one of the most powerful toxins on the planet. After offing some primates with it, the plan looked ready to rock and roll.

Why it failed: One guy from Castro’s inner circle who was to deliver the poison got his pink slip…while another attempt was halted because Castro stopped frequenting a favorite restaurant of his. They must have changed the menu…

4. LSD – Take a moment to imagine the footage – There he is, Fidel Castro, standing high on the stump addressing his countrymen, exposing the wonders of communism when he suddenly…sees Puff The Magic Dragon emerge from the sky ridden by a tough talking giraffe with an Italian accent? That was the plan. Maybe not the magic dragon part, but the CIA wanted to lace Castro’s Havana studio with some uber powerful LSD in hopes that Castro would go dinosaur-shit crazy live and prove that he was the ultimate not ready for primetime player.

Why it failed: If people bought communism, who’s to say they won’t buy a man going nuts in the midst of having a conversation with the cosmos?

3. The Mafia – The CIA finally figured they’d stop dicking around and call on the pros when it came to hired killing, the good ‘ol mob. The mob was plenty pissed for Castro for ousting them from their money making Cuban casinos when he took power, and if there’s one thing you don’t do to the mafia, it’s take their cash.

Why it failed: It seems like a match made in heaven with the hopes to send someone to hell: organized crime and the CIA…tell you what, go mix oil and water and see what happens.

2. Jesus Christ – When all else fails, call in the big guns, right? Well, who’s bigger than the King of Kings? And we know that the dude will bring the noise when he shows up again. The plan was to ignite the fire of revolution under the butts of the staunch Catholic Cubans. How? By convincing them that the Second Coming’s first stop on his 1960 world tour was the Cuban shores to take on the numero uno anti-Christ himself, Castro.

Why it failed: Christians want the Second Coming! Bring it on! Alas, the hopes of them rising up to overthrow Castro on their own were thwarted by common sense.

1. Ball Point Pen - Not as sexy or compelling as drugs, bombs, or Jesus, a trick pen will work nonetheless. Or at least it should. That was the plan when a CIA went undercover as a “Senator” to meet with a disgruntled Cuban military leader and promised to provide him with a poison pen that would surely, and finally, do the job after a quick stab in the neck. The operative assured the military leader that the US would back the coup that would surely follow.

Why it failed: JFK began to make subtle attempts to contact Castro to smooth things out under the lame-ass, pussified label of diplomacy. Kennedy got shot two months later. Just saying…

Most Recent: Trip wire. This was the closest the US has ever come to defeating the evil Castro. Sometimes the oldest tricks in the book are the best…



If only Castro had a better windup and delivery, this all could have been avoided.

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- Bustamante

- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.