HOW TO MAKE EFFECTIVE RANSOM NOTES

Hey.

Somebody once said that a thing of beauty is a joy forever.

That may not apply to women or flowers or crap, but it applies to art. Good art, the kind that grabs a hold of your heart, squeezes it until the tears come, and makes you pay attention.

Take ransom notes, for example. Good ransom notes are studied for generations and published in rare and exotic journals. Bad ransom notes get used as tissue paper in the men’s room at the police station.

Now, before Tonto starts jumping all over this post with warnings on how kidnapping is illegal and all that, just remember that my advice below is just for entertainment purposes only.

But…should the moment arise where you theoretically may need to write such a letter, let me assure you that I “may” have tested all these methods and that they all work.

Are we all clear on that, everyone? Good. Now, let’s get these tips out the way quickly; I’ve got a new guest at my apartment, and he’s been making a lot of noise the past few hours since he woke up.

1)Don’t be lazy and use the internet
Look, I know you can go on the web and use different programs that turn your text into a ransom note. That’s kid stuff. If you’re doing the crime, do the extra work and make the note yourself. Hand made. Just think of it as a more grown-up arts and crafts project.

2)Spell check, spell check, spell check
Do you want to come across as a criminal mastermind, or some barely literate immigrant? The choice is yours. You don’t want the five-oh laughing at your poor punctuation and the fact that you threatening people by threatening to "kil" them.

3)No codes, ciphers, rebuses, etc.
You want your ransom note to have a clear and effective message; mainly, that you have a member of someone’s family hostage and want money immediately or else. If you’re trying to be cute and send someone a note covered in bizarre glyphs which take months to decode, you’re never gonna collect on your investment, and then you’ve got some problems on your hands.

4)Tailor your ransom note to the victim
If it’s a foreign diplomat, use pieces of their nation’s flag as the letters. Or, let’s hypothetically say that you happen to have in your possession one of a certain celebrity couple’s adopted babies. You could use the People Magazine covers they adorned to make the words as well.

5)Wear gloves
Don’t be an idiot and put your fingerprints all over your work. If you get busted because your thumb print got matched on the letters you cut out, you deserve what you get in prison.

Be careful; burn whatever you use to make to make the note, and pick a pretty common variety of paper upon which to glue your letters. Contrary to what popular television shows would like you to believe, it takes some pretty obvious mistakes in order to get caught.

6)No body parts on the first note
It comes off as too desperate, or worse – like you’re bluffing. Nobody wants to deal with some crazy blood-hungry beast that’s into mailing people toes. Plus, it’s almost impossible to ship body parts through the mail. This means hand delivering the letter, which means a greater change of being caught. It’s too stupid a risk.

You’re better off with using second ransom letters and beyond as a chance to show off your photography skills by attaching Polaroid pictures of your kidnapee in various states of duress.

Any ideas from you half-wits on ways to spruce up a ransom note? Be sure to leave comments with your full name and address, just in case.

LINUS

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- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.