Aug 29, 2007
The Nine Most Overrated Songs Ever
Editor's Note: I'd like to welcome Vans McCoy as a new contributor to Tonto and Friends. I owed late fees at the video store he manages. We baragined. He now writes for us (and gets a much better paycheck than any other contributor here). - Tonto --------------- By Vans McCoy email@example.com Like many of you, I think I'm a music expert. Unlike most of you, I actually know what I'm talking about. I'm sorry to say this, but the music you listen to sucks. Hey, I don't know you, but I'm guessing that's a safe conclusion. For my debut here at Tonto and Friends, I've put together a collection of nine songs that truly blow hard... yet people seem to love them like ripe cumcumbers in a women's prison. Beats me. 9. Every KISS song except Detroit Rock City – KISS is everything that’s wrong with music. On the list of band priorities, the actual “song” is maybe in the top ten. Maybe. For whatever reason, Detroit Rock City is a really good song… but I dare you to listen to rest of the KISS library and not feel like you just got a little dumber. KISS proves that evolution is real and that there are some people who still have reptile brains. Don’t believe me? Go to a KISS “farewell” show. You’ll see them and their mutant children. 8. I Wanna Be Sedated – It’s not The Ramones fault that this is the only song of theirs that the general population knows. I blame MTV. You should too. Want a better Ramones song? Try Commando. 7. Sexyback – Quick, someone kick me in the balls. AWWWW! OK, now I can sing like Justin Timberlake. Sexy never went anywhere, and if it did, I don’t expect it to be brought back by a guy who apologized for exposing a titty on live TV. That’s right, he apologized for a “sexy” moment on live TV. If sexy is gone… you might be one of the reasons, douchbag! Justin Timberlake is the creation of a well-oiled marketing department and a producer who knows how to use Pro-Tools. 6. Unforgiven – See “Sweet Child O’ Mine.” Replace Guns N Roses with Metallica. Same thing. Not a bad song, but it’s not the dirtbag call-to-metal-arms that people will lead you to believe. Metallica makes hard songs for the fat guy loners with lots of pimples, not for girls who like to hold up lighters. 5. Sweet Child O’ Mine – This is just not a very good song after the opening ten seconds, yet people go crazy when it plays. This is the song you like if you want to pretend to like Guns N Roses. I could seriously name ten Guns N Roses songs better than this one. Don’t believe me? Here goes: Mr. Brownstone, Civil War, You Could be Mine, Patience, Used to Love Her, Paradise City, My Michelle, Garden of Eden, Estranged, and Breakdown. 4. Bohemian Rhapsody – Fact: If not for Wayne’s World, you don’t know this song exists if you’re under 30. The lyrics are flat out stupid. If I want opera, I’ll go to the opera. Don’t try to fool me that this is some heavy duty, deep music. It’s masturbating to a back beat. Oh, and when you lip sync this song, you look like a moron. Just like when they did it in Wayne’s World. 3. Rock and Roll Pt. 2 – If you’ve ever been to a sports game, you know this song. It’s the one where everyone yells, “HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY” in between plays. I know what you’re saying, no one likes that song. Oh yeah, well then why do 50,000 people sing along to it? When you sing along to something, that means you like it. That’s a lot of people who like a dumbass song. (Hey Sports Guy, you get fired up by this dude! Ha!) Also, the guy who is responsible for crafting the piece of musical horse dung is serving a sentence in a Vietnamese prison for being a pedophile. He must’ve made them listen to his music. 2. Brown Eyed Girl – Listen up, ladies. This song IS… NOT… ABOUT…YOU!!! Got it? There’s nothing worse than a bunch of drunks trying to sing the first line of this song at the top of their lungs. It typically sounds like, “heyynanannananawego....dayskna-naleego.” But yet everyone can yell, “Brown Eyed Girl” right on cue. Then you see stupid boyfriends pointing at their girl like they wrote the song for just her. Even funnier is when the girl buys it, sleeps with him, and then it becomes "Good Bye Girl." Black Eyed Musician… that’s more like it. 1. The “Space Cowboy” song – I don’t even care what the name of the song is, it sucks. People think this song is a time machine back to the 60’s, and they can be a hippie for 5 minutes. Hey frat boy, you’re not the gangster of love... you’re a phony. No one calls you “Maurice” and you’re not a toker… you think you're hard because you're buying a sack of weed from a guy with a Fubu jersey on. Now go binge drink until you become a news headline. There you go. Nine songs that make me wish for zombies to rise from the grave and eat up humanity... but I'll bet you like some of them. Maybe it's me... nah, it's you. - Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.