9 Reasons Why Baseball Sucks

By Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com

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When I want to pass time, I think of Debbie Harry circa 1977 and squeeze one off.



Or, I think of creative ways to quit jobs/get fired. For example: let’s say you work as a costumed character at a well-known amusement park. Sure, you can show up drunk and perform just fine. But what about sneaking a water bottle in your costume and when the kids show up to hug you… go ahead and “piss” on them.

Now that’s passing time.

If I’m in public and want to kill some time, maybe I’ll think of the best way to cheap shot everyone in sight. No offense to Debbie or peeing on tourist children.

The last thing I think about is baseball.

“But it’s the American pastime, Vans.”

I’m American. Baseball sucks. Something must not be right, right? Wrong.

Off the top of my head, I can think of nine reasons why baseball is the worst “sport” ever.

9. The announcers – A home run isn’t the second coming of Christ, so stop treating it like that. It’s a ball that was steroid-fueled to fly 400 ft. Yawn. It happens hundreds of times in a given season, so stop acting like it’s the first time you saw a set of titties.

Oh yeah, just because an announcer is old doesn’t mean that he should be commentating. You want to know how to commentate baseball on TV? You say, “Did you see that?”

Old equals nostalgic, but it also equals as boring as a being dropped off by your mommy at a Blink-182 concert.

8. Sticks and Balls = lame – Baseball is a game, not a sport. Why? Because you use a stick and a ball. Now let’s see, what other “sports” use a stick and a ball?

There’s Golf… oooh, real athletic fare.



What else? Polo?



Another activity that makes me wish for a global 17.0 earthquake.

7. It’s Not a team sport – Baseball has pulled off a master con on the world by getting people to think it’s a team sport. It’s not. Baseball boils down to pitcher vs, batter. That’s it. The other guys are there to pick up the garbage.

Baseball fans are nuts about individual stats. Why do you think that is?

6. The DH: A Professional Fat Guy – Hey, are you a tub of lard with a dream of being a professional athlete. Fear no more. You too can still be a professional athlete! The Designated Hitter role is tailor-made for you and other high level pros who don’t like to run.



Just swing a bat, jog to first, get replaced by a real athlete who likes to run, and collect your millions. Don’t worry about things like diet and training. Those are for suckers. You’re a DH. You’re a professional batting cage attendee.

5. Worst interviews ever – On the whole, sports interviews suck worse than an MTV awards show, but baseball players bring a whole new level of annoyance to interviews. Why even bother talking to these morons? They have no personality.

“We played hard. Just taking each game as they come. We just have to keep working and playing hard. We have to stay focused. It’s a long season. Anything can happen. We’re making the right adjustments. Our team is really starting to come together. We’re going to make a run for the playoffs.”

Hey look, I just covered every baseball interview for the past 50 years.

4. The Manager’s wear a uniform – Could you imagine a football coach wearing tights like his players? Or a basketball coach wearing baggy shorts, a headband, and a loaded .45 in his waistband? So why do baseball managers do it?

And why the hell are they called “skipper?” They’re not sailing the seven seas, they’re sitting on their ass for three hours spitting out seeds until they get a chance to yell when the ump makes a bad call.

3. Relief pitchers – This job is even easier than the DH. You crack jokes in the bullpen for 7 innings, warm up for one, and then come in when your team is already winning and the other guys are tired. The relief pitcher is like a professional bully.

Look at them when they stroll their lazy ass out to the mound; you’d think they were getting ready for 15 rounds in Madison Square Garden vs. Ali.

Basically, if you’re a relief pitcher that means that you’re not good enough to be a real pitcher, but your jokes are funny, so they keep you around on the team bus.

2. Baseball players are Pussies – I’m talking major league pussies here.

Exhibit A: Sammy Sosa, muscular Home-Run hitter, misses games because he hurt his back sneezing.

Exhibit B: Wade Boggs, Hall-of-Famer, misses games because he strained his back while putting cowboy boots on.

Exhibit C: Kevin Mitchell was late reporting to spring training because he hurt himself eating a microwavable donut. I’m not making this up.

Exhibit D: MVP Jeff Kent broke his wrist… while washing a car at a self-serve car wash. Seriously. Are you fucking serious?

Exhibit E: Marty Cordova burned his face in a tanning bed and had to miss a game. Big. Gaping. Vagina.

Exhibit F: Glenallen Hill fell out of his bed, crashing into a glass table, while having a nightmare about spiders.

I rest my case.

1. I’m Good at it – I’m no super athlete, but I can play baseball with the best of them. There was a time where I hadn’t touched a glove or bat for three years, and I was asked to fill in on a baseball team… and I was the best guy on the team. It’s not hard.

It’s America’s pastime because it’s easy. You have to run for less than a minute. You get to hit something. You have a big ass glove with webbing to catch something. You know the secret to catching a ball? You stand in front of it and stick your hand up. Bingo.

- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

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