1) What do you think is the most Indian thing you do?
Hmm, Good question. I’ll assume you mean Native American, instead of the people that idiot Columbus thought he found… to answer your question, I sell things. Indian things. I fight. Well, I used to fight. I challenged Larry Holmes for the heavyweight title in the early 80’s. I didn’t win.
I tend to sit back and remember the good ‘ol days, back before everything was messed up… when I was a young man with no worries; when I didn’t know the meaning of regret or guilt. When I was fast enough to throw a four-punch combo to the body without worrying about getting clipped in the face. Not anymore. I’m all out of tears.
I don’t drink though.
2) Have you ever considered training a new wave of fighters to become champions?
I’ve thought about it. You saw Rocky V, right? That’s what happens. Ironically, the worst of the Rocky movies is the most true. You train someone, and they leave right after telling you, “How can you make me a champ, if you got killed by Larry Holmes?”
They make a good point.
3) If a dealer's showing a ten card and you're dealt a fifteen, do you hit or stay?
I say take the hit. What’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like throwing a lazy jab in the 8th round, and having a right hand come over the top that cracks your jaw.
It’s not like getting knocked out on your feet on primetime television, stumbling like you have MS and then falling face first into the canvas, breaking your already broken nose in the process. It’s not like being unable to get another fight that pays more than $2,000, so you have to become a parody of yourself selling Indian Shit…not before failing at a private detective career. It’s not like having to subsidize your slumping sales career with a blog website where the only writers you can get to contribute are a bunch of burnouts, bums, and ex-cons.
So, I say hit that 15. The odds aren’t on your side… just like in life.
4) Fill in the blank: Life is not worth living without ________
Money. You need money to get food. Without food, you can’t live. I used to think it was respect and dignity, but I’m still here. I guess those aren’t as important as I thought. I left them on the doorstep of some suburban home 15 years ago when I asked a housewife if she would be interested in buying my artifacts.
She said no, and I was freed from the burden of having to drag along my self-respect.
5) What sort of women are you attracted to?
Typically, ones that like me first. I used to get the ring rats, the chicks that would have around the gyms and the fights, all the time. My biggest score was a date I had planned with an up and coming movie star at my post-Holmes fight party. She got tired of waiting at the hospital and ended up at Studio 54, where she OD’d on coke.
She survived, our date didn’t.
Thanks again, Larry.
6) Describe your writing process.
Ummm, is this a trick question? Finger goes to keyboard. Letters appear magically on the screen. I string a few letters together to make these things called “words.” Words are what people use to communicate the thoughts in their heads to another human. It’s like mind reading…with a cheat sheet. Next, I put the words together in a (hopefully) logical manner, creating “sentences.” A collection of sentences equals a story/article.
That’s the process. I write about pain, because I know about it.
7) Why should people buy your Indian Shit?
I’m not even convinced they should, I just want them to. Look, I sell garbage. I’m hoping to cash in on my notoriety, not the level of quality of the goods I sell. It’s kinda funny; I just called them “goods.”
I find humor blogging to be a much better source of income.
8) If you could say one thing to Larry Holmes, what would you tell him?
Larry Holmes knocked out a lot of people, so I hope he’d remember me. First, I’d try to make a joke, you know, break the ice. He has a good sense of humor.
I’d probably challenge him to rematch… if he said no, I’d make some self-deprecating crack about not wanting to waste time either. If he said yes, I would start taking steroids. So, I fail the piss-test. Who cares? If I knock him out and hurt him in the process… ruin his life, make him a joke of the boxing world… it’d be worth being labeled a cheater for the rest of my life.
I’ve been labeled worse.
9) Do you really consider all the other writers on this site to be your "friends," Tonto? Or do you pick favorites?
I think so. Probably. Maybe… I’m not sure. Who knows? I can relate to Slocomb Jones on a superficial level. I sometimes think The Schmooz is full of crap, but he’s entertaining. Linus is OK. I don’t trust him, but that’s no big deal. I’ve only dealt with Stephany via email… so, there’s that. Bustamante is OK. I don’t understand him most of the time, but he’s punctual.
I don’t think I pick favorites.
10) Would you ever fight Chuck Norris? And if so, who would win?
I would fight that skinny chop-socky kicker in a heartbeat. All these people make these dumb rules about Chuck Norris about how tough he is… all I’m saying is that he did an infomercial with Christy Brinkley for his own piece of garbage.
That doesn’t strike fear into my heart. My facial hair is better. My punches are better.
The crap I sell is better.
Do I envy him? Of course I do.
Am I jealous of him? You bet your ass I am.
Am I afraid of him? I’ve had Hep B. I fear nothing.
- Tonto and Friends is a collective of some of the top comedy writers and life bloggers on the planet. They come from all parts of the globe and various life experiences. Together, they bring a daily source of humor and useful life information.
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