TontoandFriends.com

By Stephany Ericson Last week Tonto Balboa interviewed me. During the interview, he blindsided me with question after question about things that are no ones business, least of all his (he wouldn’t even drive me home afterward. Bastard. Smelly bastard). One of his ambush-like questions had to do with what is currently most important to me. My answer had to do with a video game and my future mastery of it. This week a colleague of mine happened to read my interview and phoned me. “Why are you spending any time at all with Guitar Hero when you should be working on your next book? Stephany don’t let one bad publication dictate your career. You have more good books in you, I know it. The world needs you. Please, I beg you. WRITE!” Haven’t we all had a so called “friend” ask us at some point, “hey, how’s the job search going?” which of course sounds caring and genuine. But, in reality, actually translates to, “you are such a loser, why did I let you in my perfect life?” I am sooo done with people like that, to borrow some common vernacular. After I deleted all contact info for my now ex-colleague - who obviously did not care about me at all, created new e-mail addresses for myself, and purchased a new personal cell phone complete with new phone number, I began to ponder their question in earnest. Hopefully I can convince Tonto to change web servers so that ex-colleague will never know that I actually gave them a 2nd thought. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Not happening, Ms. Ericson - Tonto] Who are they to say that my next book might not come from the inspired visions I have whilst playing Guitar Hero? Perhaps my next great character will be a musician. Or maybe the setting for my next literary venture will be a child’s eye view of backstage bacchanalian appetites among real Guitar Hero’s. These could come to pass in time. Just you wait. Only 7 more songs to get 5 stars on. In any case, here are some reasons why Guitar Hero is a grand way to spend nearly all of your hours out of bed. 1. Guitar Hero Glows - Why? I’ll tell you. It emphasizes the tiny nexus of VICARIOUS that we all carry around in our bone sacks. Why not go out and actually learn to play the guitar for real? Well… because that would take years of study, effort, and sacrifice. Then, of course, you would need to factor in whether or not you won the TALENT lottery or not. If you didn’t, then even with all the study, effort, and sacrifice you will still sound about as appealing as diseased penguins mating in a trash bin in mid-summer: Kind of a too warm incessant rhythmic bleating with a tin echo that smells bad. Or worse, you might sound like Dave Navarro. No one wants that. Instead of risking all those years learning scales, arpeggios, hammer-ons, pull-offs, the circle of 5ths, and what kind of strings to buy - things that could employ you as a music teacher, composer, maestro, etc... play Guitar Hero. It’s NOW, not 10 years from now. No, it won’t make you any money, but it will make you happy. 2. None of that Jazz - Out of the 100 or so songs available in the 3 existing Guitar Hero games, not one is a Jazz composition. Or Fusion, thank goodness. Jazz musicians are un-predictable creative geniuses. No one needs that in music. They also have a tendency to forget to call you after a great weekend in the mountains playing… duets. Also, their solos are different every time. Never the same way twice. Sometimes I wish they would take their creativity to the field of Astro-physics so that we could understand the universe once and for all. But instead, they play 12 tone scales and chords that have too many notes. They change keys and time signatures on a whim during their songs. This throws most listeners off. We would like predictable, un-changing tunes with pentatonic scales thank you very much. And this is what we are given in Guitar Hero! I Wanna Rock! 3. Goal setting - The masterful designers of this game must have been trained in Ivy League Universities. Not only does their game ROCK with fun, it also teaches one to set goals. When I first saw the game being played by the child of a friend, I was very nearly appalled at how viciously the child replayed parts of a song over and over… then the child was finally successful with the section in question. The howls of glee could be heard all the way to China (We were in a Department store, so only a few aisles over…). Even though it was not stated, I instinctually saw that the child had set a goal to finish the section with no mistakes. Nothing could deter him from his task. Not the parental pleading, the store manager closing and locking the doors, or the security guard looming over him (the guard was very clearly in awe of the child). I bought the game that night. Since then, I have let nothing stand in the way of my goal: 5 stars on all songs. Leasing Managers can collect rent soon, friends... TRUE friends will still be there after my task is complete, and bill collectors can shove it. I have plenty of Ensure shakes in the portable cooler next to the TV, and I’ve just purchased a fresh pack of Depends. Now kindly SCRAM!!!!!!!!! I’m busy attaining my goal. - Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children’s books such as “This Belongs to You”, “Gordita Runs the Marathon”, and “Artist Schmartist GO GET A JOB!”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack, she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.