Sep 13, 2007

How to Decode Online Dating Profiles

By Stephany Ericson Like most of you, I have used the internet as a tool for information gathering. Whether it is in seeking biographical data on authors I hope to emulate, learning the difference between Love and Lust, or just to find the next start time for the local movie house, the internet is a great and convenient tool. Also, like many of you, I have used the internet in that most human of activities -trying to find suitable companionship with a member of the opposite sex. Again the internet shines in its ability to make this rather arduous task very quick and mindlessly easy. All one needs to do is find a “Matching” website and create a “profile” that says something about you, and about the type of companion you are looking for. Some of the information you could be expected to provide is your age, height, body type, favorite activities, etc. Now, before you dash off to find your true love there is a caveat: Despite the seeming simplicity of providing and reading data, I have learned that there is actually an unwritten language in these “profiles.” If you do not know the language then you are most likely headed for disappointment, herpes, or worse... a broken heart! I have written translations to some of the most commonly used “alternate” meanings that are found in people’s PROFILE in their attempt to fool you and take your affections. Enjoy, and I hope it helps you all. Body Type: Average While this is probably the most truthful of the “unwritten profile language” terms… think about it. In the USA, the average body type is FAT. If you decide to go out with a person who lists their body type as Average, be ready to feed them peanuts, lose at all memory games, and be annoyed with clowns because they are telling you that they are a circus worthy pachyderm. They may be nice on the inside, way deep inside, under all the fat. On the other hand, they might be not very nice. I’d rather be with a not very nice person who is in great shape thank you very much. Marital Status: Divorced Again, this could be truthful, but experience shows me that if a person lists this…they are actually still married in their mind. If they were truly OVER their marriage, they would list SINGLE as their status. Simple. So, if you choose to date a person that lists Divorced… be ready to spend at least half of your time together listening to how “amazing” your dates relationship with his ex-wife is… then moments later he will burst into tears and demand that she, “SIGN THE FREAKING PAPERS ALREADY!!” You can offer advice as you return the un-watched movie rental, all the while your sexy underthings will apparently NOT be seen that night - even though you took special care to select his favorite color… again. Sigh. I like walks on the beach... Many people will list their most treasured activities in their description. But this “walks on the beach” nonsense is code for, “I DON’T HAVE A CAR!” When you and your new found date are making plans on the phone to meet and at the last second he asks you to pick him up, you will recall that he touched your heart with his written description of walking along the sandy shores hand in hand with you. Now you know...he ain’t got wheels! Did he lose his license from drinking and driving? Don’t stick around to find out. In fact, make plans to pick him up…but never show up. Make up a “headache” excuse when he calls in a few days. No wonder he’s on a dating site, wicked LOSER. NO DRAMA PLEASE These self assured, perfectly well adjusted people have tried to hoodwink you by leaving out one word: "MORE." They already have enough drama... These are usually the people that have a child or children from previous relationships scattered across the 4 corners of the globe. They are the ones that hate their ex wive(s), hate their boss, hate their roommate, hate clothes, cheese, and air too. Oddly enough, they love alcohol. Only date one of these people if you have ear plugs, mononucleosis, or both. LOOKING FOR RELATIONSHIP NOT JUST “FUN” This one is complicated, and so baffling. It turns out that people who use this phrase or something similar actually mean it for a period of between 3 and 6 weeks. After that time frame, they mean the opposite: Looking just for fun, not relationship. So, if you can act your way through “getting to know someone honestly” but really just want some belly bumping… find someone who says this in their profile. Be patient, it will work out and you will get all the nookie you can handle. I’ve purposely had this type of relationship with one man. Once to test his mettle regarding “fun” vs. “relationship”, I shouted out another man's name in the heat of love making. He seemed bewildered. The next morning, I playfully broke up with him and made it seem like it was his entire fault. He passed the test and was back for more fun in a few weeks. Well, there you have it. With my translations at your side you should be able to more accurately navigate the Couple Matching websites. Good luck in life and love! Do you have any translations you would like to share with me or pain meds? Click here. - Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of childrens books (“The Low Down”, “Eat this for a Quarter” and “Daddy has Stubble in Funny Places”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua

8 comments:

  1. ok....maybe the blog admin can leave some cream and sugar when Stephany posts...

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  2. Now departing...the bitter boat.....all aboard!!!

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  3. Did we learn NOTHING from this week's posts?

    Fragile things and people do not get breaks, they get broken...

    by a dirty sock filled with rusty nails...

    LINUS

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  4. hahahaha.. funny so very funny..thanks for the laugh!!

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  5. I thought this was hysterical! You GO, girl!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

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  6. True. Anyone who lists themselves as being average is in fact below average--in looks, income, whatever. On the other hand the guy who sounds too good to be true is probably a lying dirtbag who only wants a free hooker for the night or a complete loser because otherwise he wouldn't be on dating sites--he'd be beating them off with a stick. Finally, there is no substitute for chemistry. I like to invite online date to go to a party with me or meet up with a group consisting of both of our friends--that way you find out if he HAS friends and maybe if it doesn't work out with you he might be perfect for one of your pals. Less pressure on the evening and safer too.

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