TontoandFriends.com

By Linus The Angry Mime Hey. Man, September is the month of the most useless, lukewarm holidays. Instead of Thanksgiving, we have Labor Day, which is always held on the hottest weekend on earth. Pretty hard to celebrate when your skin feels like burnt sandpaper. Instead of Memorial Day, we get Columbus Day, which no one really celebrates anyway. And, September is loaded with a bunch of other useless holidays: Patriot Day, Ask a Stupid Question Day, World Rabies Day, Talk Like a Pirate Day. And then I discover that Japan, as well as other places, is really into respecting their elders. So much so, that they even give them a whole freaking day to wallow in their misery: Respect For the Aged Day. This is wrong, wrong, wrong! We have got to stop coddling old people! No special holidays, no “leisure communities” – just leave them out in the woods when it’s their time to pass on, like our cavemen ancestors used to do. They get a Swiss Army knife, a copy of Reader’s Digest (large print version), and a walking stick. That’s it. Here’s why: 1) You can catch death from old people - Fact: Old people are commonly found in nursing homes and hospitals. Fact: These locations offer the highest percentage of mortality. Therefore, if you end up hanging around these places, you will die. You will catch the old and die, so help you, God! 2) Senior citizens are NOT “Living Treasures.” - They screwed up. They had a chance to make this world something better, and instead, it’s a madhouse. If your dog craps on your floor, you don’t give him a holiday, do you? No! You hit him in the nose with a newspaper, and lock him in the basement until you remember to feed him. Old people deserve the same treatment. 3) They made you - And you are one pathetic lump of DNA, let me tell you. There’s no reason to celebrate the fact that they had unprotected sex on a hammock to make you. Look at yourself – wasting time on the internet instead of becoming a better person, or watching some good performance art from your local mime. [EDITOR'S NOTE: We're glad that you're "wasting" your time on our website...you gotta knock that crap off, Linus. - Tonto] 4) Old people are mean, mean, mean - Think I’m angry? Spend five minutes on the bus with a retiree on Social Security whose wife just died and who can’t control his own bodily functions. There’s someone who laughs at your misery, pal. You thought it was an accident that they farted as soon as you sat down? Or that they decided to eat their sloppy baloney sandwiches without closing their mouth, showering you in rancid mayonnaise? Fat chance. When the weak have nothing to lose, they have all the time in the world to make you suffer. And suffer you will. 5) They steal all the attention at strip clubs - I’m a mime, folks. I don’t make a lot of money. So, when I finally have enough hard earned cash to entertain myself, I go visit the talent at your friendly neighborhood flesh peddler. But, no matter what time of day I go, there’s always some corpses with cash who get the best tables and the hottest women all over their bloated bodies. Why? The women know that they’re harmless, like a puppy. o, while Grandpa is getting the finest views of a birth canal, I’m stuck getting a lap dance from the trainee who just quit her job at Arby’s. So, why do you hate old people? Email me. LINUS - Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.