TontoandFriends.com

By Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com Look, I know a thing or two about mismatches. I boxed professionally for 9 years and spent another 3 as an amateur. I’ve been on both sides of a mismatch; most notably against Larry Holmes, a man who royally kicked my ass in Madison Square Garden. I say royally because he made me call him King Holmes after the fight, which I did for fear of puncturing another lung with another broken rib. Oh, that Larry… he’s funny. Like I said though, I was on the Special Delivery side of a mismatch ass-whooping a few times in my career too. Early in my career, maybe my 4th pro fight, I fought a guy in a high school gymnasium who I’m guessing was borderline retarded. He may have had retard strength, but he also had retard punches. Obviously, I won. It was my first rd.1 KO. And no, it wasn’t one of those things where I hit him so hard that turned smart. That only happens in movies… which brings me to the topic at hand: The Biggest Mismatches of Recent Cinema. Dutch vs. Predator Film: Predator Underdog: Dutch Odds: 20:1 Match Up Analysis: On paper, this fight is nowhere close. It says a lot when Dutch is outgunned physically. Normally that’s his biggest advantage (and his unflinching ability to mutilate foes). In fact, he was losing the fight badly until he discovers that Predator can’t see him when he’s covered in mud. Like any good fighter, Dutch took full advantage of his opponent’s weakness and devises a plan to defeat that “one ugly motherfucker” known as Predator. Kenobi vs. Skywalker II Film: Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope Underdog: Kenobi Odds: 7:1 Match Up Analysis: Normally, in a rematch, the winner of the first fight is the favorite, but this wasn’t the case for the long awaited rematch decades in the making. The first fight was a dynamic back and forth battle that won “the long time ago fight of the year.” Kenobi triumphed, besting and maiming his young pupil. Unfortunately, the following decades weren’t as kind to Kenobi. His training faltered and didn’t have access to any top gyms or training partners. The residents of Tatooine are notorious for not showing much interest in legitimate combat sports. Plus, the years of battles had taken a toll on his body. Fighting, as anyone will tell you, is a young man’s game. Skywalker, on the other hand, had gone on to become… basically, a machine. He became bigger, stronger, and far more powerful than he was in the initial encounter and was one of the most feared “old school” fighters still competing. When they finally fought, the live gate wasn’t what the promoters thought it would be (only 1 person in attendance), which was probably for the best. It was obvious that both men had lost a step (and that’s being generous). Kenobi showed flashes of his superior technique, but eventually succumbed to the physical advantage that Skywalker – now fighting under the persona of “Darth Vader.” Vader would continue to compete for a bit longer… but finally retired after losing in a rematch with his son. Eric Sloane vs. Tong Po Film: Kickboxer Underdog: Sloane Odds: 15:1 Match up analysis: Sloane was a American kickboxing champion who wanted to test his skills against the best in the world. He should have skipped Thailand. He quickly found out that Western Kickboxing is a watered down version of Muay Thai. Po picked Sloane apart for the first round and was looking to cruise to an easy TKO victory. Sloane’s corner urged Eric to throw in the towel, but Sloane was too stubborn to listen (a theme we will revisit in a few moments). As a result, he ended up paralyzed. In a nice post script: Eric’s brother, Kurt, decides to avenge his brother and does so by defeating Tong Po in the most homosexual death fight in history. The Hanson Brothers vs. Minor League Pro Hockey Film: Slap Shot Underdog: Minor League Pro Hockey Odds: 9:1 Match Up Analysis: For the first part of the season, The Hansons rode the pine while playing for the hapless Charlestown Chief. Only when Coach Dunlop has all but given up on the season do the boys get a crack at the ice. The Hanson’s never looked back, even when they were just “listening to the fucking song.” The Hansons declared war on The Federal League and literally destroyed every opponent they faced with ruthless abandon. They finally met their match in the finals when the Syracuse Bulldogs put together a team of the biggest goons ever – including Tim “Dr. Hook” McCracken – to combat the Chiefs. The final battle was inconclusive and was ruined in the judges’ eyes by a gratuitous male strip tease. Lucas vs. High School Film: Lucas Underdog: Lucas Odds: 45:1 Match up Analysis: Undersized, intelligent, and a crush on the prettiest girl in school. Right off the back, poor Lucas had three strikes against him going into his battle with high school. And it only got worse. Lucas suffered humiliation, including an assault on his groin with Icy Hot. Lucas fought back the only way he knew how: he took the battle to them on their own turf. He joined up on the football, and on the only play of his career, he caught a touchdown… unfortunately suffering a nasty concussion in the process. The victory for Lucas was brief. His later teen years were marred with drug use and financial woes. As a young adult, he all but dropped off the map as the problems worsened for him. He was briefly mentioned at the 10 and 15 year reunions as “remember that one guy?” Some did. Most didn’t. Creed vs. Drago Film: Rocky IV Underdog: Creed Odds: 48:1 Match up Analysis: Former heavyweight champ, Apollo Creed, retired from the sport of boxing after losing his second fight with Rocky Balboa (no relation to author). He was financially secure and had embarked on a promising second career as a trainer of champions. Then, the cold war came to shores of the United States in the form a steroid bound heavyweight fighter named Ivan Drago who declared war on the sport of boxing. The first recruit in this new war was the former king – Apollo Creed. Despite having the best entrance of any fighter in history, the results were disastrous. But, it wouldn’t be Apollo if he didn’t do it “my way!” As we all know, Rocky would travel into the Lion’s Den of the Soviet Union on Christmas to take on Drago in the biggest grudge match of all-time. 15 rounds later, Drago was defeated and the Cold War was over… though we will never forget the sacrifice made by one of the greatest warriors of our time – Apollo Creed. - Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends. NOTE: If you liked this article, take a jab at The Top Ten Bum Films of All-Time, A Film Career: Why Fred Thompson Won't Be President, and Tonto's Video Game Dreams Come Crashing Down.