TontoandFriends.com

By Linus The Angry Mime Hey. So, somebody squealed to the authorities after my last post. Before I was even out of Oregon, a couple of squad cars met up with me and escorted me back to my apartment. I fought off a couple of them with my rusty-nail sock, but tear gas can drop a man pretty fast. Can’t complain, I guess. Normally, a fellow would end up in prison for planning to do a little homemade chiropractic work on one certain Tonto Balboa. But, because of my connections with the FBI, they’re just gonna keep me on house arrest for a month. Which is great – because for me, being under house arrest is like being on vacation, but with more required appointments with my weasel of a PO and my court-appointed therapist. Here’s why: 1) Room, board and meals are provided - I was worried about this at first, because the street is where I make my bread. But, rather than allow me to leave the house to work and get food, the FBI insisted on making sure I stay put while they run all my errands. I’m eating better than I have in years, and my clothes don’t smell like rubbing alcohol and blood either. 2) Plenty of free time on the computer - What better way to whittle away the hours than with the wonderful, wonderful internet? You internet morons know how to live, that’s all I’m saying. I’ve begun my quest to find the holy grail of porn – mime porn. Where all the women are ripe and bursting, wearing nothing but authentic greasepaint and a scowl. I suppose some of you are wondering how I’m able to even talk about my house arrest, what with the FBI bunking up with me for a month. Simple. I bribed them. Told them a few white lies and one good truth about some mobsters they’ve been pissing their pants over, and internet confidentiality was secured. 3) New fashion ware - TV and movies have it all wrong. The electronic bracelet they make your wear is actually quite stylish. Plus, it’s the perfect place to hide a few razorblades if you ever need a little boost when you’re sneaking up on a victim. 4) Improving one’s mind - With little to do this month, I’ve taken to learning Russian. The agents who come around my place think it’s cute. I don’t tell them that it’s really so I can get better rates on human organs. The best cuts – livers, kidneys, hearts – are coming right out of the villages in Russia. If you don’t speak the lingo, they’ll shaft ya on the bottom line. Man, if there are any hot Russian women who dabble in mime porn… the mind reels! So, any other ideas on how I should use my time this month? Email me! LINUS - Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.