Well despite the gracious break from writing that was given to us by our employer Tonto, I am still feeling very harried this holiday season. There is so much to do, and yet so precious little time in which to accomplish it all. There are concerts to attend, dating profiles to decipher, and yes… some shopping as well. Not to mention-the ever present task of avoiding my filicidal Foster Parents.
By the way, this article is not just my latest contribution to the World Famous Tonto Balboa and Friends comedy blog… it is also my Christmas card to you all. That’s right; I’m saving time already by combining 2 tedious tasks into one almost bearable one.
Happy Holidays my peeps!
Hopefully you all got my e-mail about me now being a size 4, and my new passion for the color mauve. I can’t wait to see how creative you will all be come Christmas morning. Remember…size 4, mauve.
It would be such a smart idea all the way around if 1/12 of the insanely huge population of this planet could have Christmas one month, and another 1/12 in a successive month, and so on and so forth 1/12 of humanity for each month.
This would cut down on the congestion on aisle 7 at your favorite merchant. But… baby Jesus could only have one birthday - otherwise he would be Hindu - so we must all sacrifice our personal comfort level during the shopping rush in December.
Better get to it!
Since I’m sure many of you have a few things to take care of yourself before wrapping my gifts, here are some of my favorite Holiday Season time-saving tips.
Thin the Herd:
In order to cut down on the time spent in the crush of shoppers, do all of your shopping at one store. I do love my family and friends, but they have entirely no taste whatsoever in personal possessions. That is why I can comfortably shop for them all at Target.
Now, of course there are plenty of other people who do their shopping at Target. Mostly these are people who could not find a Wal-mart, or they are quite fond of stale pretzels.
Since there are so many of them mucking up the aisle ways to all the Target goodness… wouldn’t it be great if you could get rid of some of them? You can! Before your shopping spree, don a Red T-shirt.
When you are roaming the aisles looking for the perfect mundane knick-knack for Uncle Ernie someone will speak to you, “Hey, where the toys at!?”
Yes… they will ask rudely. Why? Because in your Red T-Shirt you appear to them as a Target Team member… loaded forebear with various and sundry quality shopping facts regarding location and pricing for every 2-bit piece of Chinese manufactured merchandise under the TARGET roof.
Since you appear to them to be a Target Team member… that means you have the power of all Target Team members. Your reply should be something like this: “Toys are very near the crying children you hear over to your left. But, unfortunately we are closing the store early today… because it’s on fire. Kindly take your items to your car. Just pay for them next time, after the fire is out. Good bye!”
This has never failed to thin the crowd when said with conviction and perhaps a tiny twitch in the eye, as if you are about to snap into violence.
The beauty of the tactic is that it works no matter what the question asked by the store patron:
“Where’s your bathrooms, huh?”
“Where are you hiding the DVDs now?”
GET OUT! FIRE!!!!
Now you can shop in greater freedom. Take a stroll by the pharmacy. That always helps.
My other time saver comes into play now that the aisles are less congested with people who don’t know how to find things for themselves.
Here you will find things for yourself! Go and purchase what your heart of hearts would love to receive on Christmas day.
Now the tricky part… take it home and wrap it up nice. Decide who among your cherished circle would absolutely DESPISE this as a gift! Then make out a gift card to them. Now, place it under your tree and count the days until you can watch when they act surprised at your gift, profusely thanking you in front of the all those gathered.
Later when the rabble has dissipated they will quietly approach you and ask for a trade of some kind. You, of course, are mortified that they do not have a place in their home for a next generation video game console and of course you will take it back for them (somewhere they heard the store burned down…)
Now, in one fell swoop you’ve gotten rid of that hideous mauve dress AND scored a PlayStation 3!
You my friend are a Christmas Genius… just like me.
Happy Holidays,
Stephany
- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children's books (“Vanilla Chai oh My”, “Pat This Hippopotamus” and “Never Had the Best of Me”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.
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