TontoandFriends.com

By Linus, The Angry Mime

Hey.

Still on house arrest.

Still looking for sweet, sweet mime porn.

If any of you sexy cyber ladies wanna make your own and email it to me, I won’t judge you!



Remember, only sexy cyber ladies need apply.

Before you put on that white greasepaint and turn on your webcam, ask yourself:

- Am I sexy enough for a professional mime?
- Am I, in fact a lady?
- Am I in the process of gender reassignment/surgery to become a lady?

If you can honestly answer yes to question number one and questions two or three, then get to work with your erotic masterpiece. There’s plenty of free time on my hands; might as well sample some eye candy in the downtime.

Most of you know I’m in Oregon, one of the biggest places that wants to put on the big crying act about how the whole world is ruining the environment, blah blah blah.

Me, I’ll all for the new weather. This time of year, I used to have to run extra fast in order to mug a poor sap that counted his cash in the wrong place.

Now that there’s no snow, it cuts my criminal time in half.

And, since I’m a big fan of entropy and chaos, I encourage each of you to go out and wreck the planet as fast as you can. Don’t you want a front row ticket to annilihlation?

You sure as hell bet I do.

So, let’s keep on ripping a bigger hole in this gorgeous planet’s anus, with the following tips:

1)Bring back banana stands - This is a tip from our forefathers. In the 19th century, once ships had the technology to refrigerate produce, lots and lots of bananas got shipped to America, and vendors popped up on every street corner, selling this new fruit.

Once the bananas were consumed, people just flung the peels wherever sweet gravity would take them, causing massive amounts of pollution and disease.

Not to mention the constant injuries and deaths caused by people slipping on dirty banana peels. If we brought the banana stands back, along with a cheerful disregard for waste disposal, we’d be waste deep in corpses and flies in no time!

2)Hold refrigerator dismantling parties - This can be a lot of fun!

You want to dismantle refrigerators made before 1995, the ones that are loaded with CFCgases. Crank ‘em up and leave the doors open for a least a week prior to the festivities. Then, once the party starts, go nuts and see who can remove and smash the most refrigerants before the police show up.

3)Make Taco Bell the only place you eat - Humans only produce about half a liter of methanea day. Cows can produce up to two hundred liters.

Are we really gonna let a bunch of grass chewing nobodies ruin this planet before we do?

I don’t think so.

So, forget eating square meals. Order seconds and thirds of fast food. Do not hold in your gas. Fart like you’re playing the tuba in your pants.

4)Have lots and lots of children - If you’ve ever had the experience of being near a hard-core environmentalist, you’ll notice that they’ll take a break from washing their Prius and scold you about each of us has a responsibility to reduce our so-called “carbon footprint.”

Wanna know the best way to trample all over this planet with dirty little feet?

Babies.

Lots and lots of them.

More babies means more people to use more resources and more waste produced.

Ladies, turn your vagina into a pitching machine and pop those suckers out until you drop!

Any other ideas to help tear our ecosystem a new one? Email me!

LINUS

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.