Alright. So, I’ve been doing this humor blogging thing for awhile now.
It’s cool.
In fact, Tonto took me with him to a blogger convention in Vegas a few weeks ago. Stayed at [CENSORED due to pending legal matter - Tonto].
Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve jacked up a hotel room. Certainly never one that swanky. Thanks, Tonto. You’re good people… sorry about getting separated from you for the last two days of the trip.
I don’t know what happened, but hey… at least we met back up at the airport for a drink, right? [EDITOR’S NOTE: Yeah… Good thing, Vans.]
To get to the point, here’s the types of bloggers that, for whatever reason – mainly because they were douche bags, got under my thick skin.
Man, bloggers come in all shapes and sizes. A lot of these people are some of the most obnoxious folks you’ll ever meet. Honestly, I didn’t get along with too many of them. Don’t get me wrong, I hit it off real well with the cam girls from the “sorority blog” – and no, I did NOT sign their waver!
The “Make Money Blogging” Blogger – Talk about the most unoriginal idea of all time. Now, the first guy who did a make money blog, good idea! Thanks for the help.
To the One Million other people who regurgitate the exact same information… eat a dick.
These bloggers are the equivalent of an early 90’s punk band deciding to hop on board with a major label because it’s cool to be punk. Not mentioning any names here… let’s just say there’s a lot of people out there who think it’s cool to copy something and decide to try and cash in on it.
The Liberal Blogger – These guys… I guess their heart is in the right place, but c’mon… take to the streets you fucking pussies.
Man, back in… shit, I guess it was ’83. It might have been ’82, and was probably ’81… whatever. Anyway, I was at a show in DC, and someone brought a couple of blow up dolls and painted them up to look Ninny Nancy and Rippin’ Ronald Reagan and everyone took a shot at them in the mosh pit. They bounced up in the air like beach balls at a baseball game.
That’s left-wing politics! No one cares about voter fraud… they want to break stuff.
The Conservative Blogger – Oh, boy. These guys are hilarious. They typically name their blogs with a combination of words like “think,” “self-reliance,” and “conservative.”
These guys are so angry at what has happened to out country. Hey dipstick, guess what? Your side won, idiot! It won a long time ago!
You’re just mad because to the victor is supposed to get the spoils right? And we all know that the ultimate spoil is getting the women that comes with the power. Funny thing is, women really aren’t into the conservative man. Ha! Ha! No wonder so many powerful Republicans suddenly “change" when it comes to sexual preferences.
Let me stop you right there… no, the examples of “hot” conservative women fail. Straight up, those women are ugly. They’re ugly on the inside too.
When you spend your free time singing the praises of Mitt Romney… you’re a waste of evolution.
The Rude Outrageous “Comedian” Blogger – Just because you think cancer and AIDS is funny, it doesn’t mean that you’re jokes about them are. Oh, how outrageous! He’s tackling forbidden topics! How obscene! Boring!
Fact: These guys are Maxim Magazine rejects who still masterbate to the fifth edition of “Truly Tasteless Jokes”
Here’s a joke writing tip from your friendly neighborhood Vans McCoy: calling someone a homo isn’t a punch line.
And no, videotaping yourself in your small ass studio apartment in funny outfits like a bunny suit, or a thong, isn’t real funny either. In fact, it’s disgusting. And, if you’re going to continue to do video blogs… at least fucking shave.
One more thing, anyone can go do an open mic night and take a picture of themselves holding a mic. It doesn’t make you a comedian and doesn’t justify your shitty attempt at being funny.
The Single Mom Blogger – In hindsight… letting that mysterious stranger buy you a 4th martini turned out to be good idea after all, huh? Now, not only are you a single mother, but now you’re a blogger.
Now, you must be thinking… jeez, Vans. Chill out…
See, I don’t just sit and complain about stuff I don’t like. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy single moms. All the time. They come into my video store and… you see, most independent video stores don’t cater to family films. Me, I have a section just for single moms. All kid’s videos.
I make sure to help each mom find the right video for her kid. If I get the sense that mom has had a rough week, I imply to her that she can have an no string attached evening with a bad boy. You’d be surprised how many times I close up early on Friday nights…
That said… I also put my money where my mouth is when it comes to single mom and their potential for blogging, which is why I pull out EVERY TIME!
The Angry Poet “Deep Thinker” – You’re not mad at the world… you’re mad because you’re 35, fat, bald, and your band didn’t take off as the second coming of Pearl Jam (thank God, by the way).
Nope. You’re married, you have a mortgage, a dumpy wife, multiple prescriptions for “depression,” and an office job that you hate where you’re not respected.
But wait… that’s God’s fault, right? It seems strange to me that these rail in post after post and poem after vomit inducing poem about how God doesn’t exist and that people of faith are full of it… yet, they seem to give this God a lot of control over their life, don’t they. Sounds like a person of faith to me.
And I’ll wrap this up by heading you off at the pass of saying, “well, you’re just another blogger, and you suck too.”
I don’t suck.
I’m Vans McCoy.
There’s cam girls in Vegas who will testify to that.
- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for "The Magnificent Cox," played bass in "Manson’s Ranchers," and was lead guitarist for "Televised Execution." He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.
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