Republicans '08 - A Comedy Guide to Why None of Them Will Win

By Bustamante

So, they had the CNN/YouTube Republican debate last week.

I watched it.

It was funny.

It was like old men arguing over sports. So passionate about stupidity. Makes me laugh.

I realized something though... none of these guys will win. Why? Policy? Nah.

Let's take a look at the surface of these candidates. That's all you need to do. It will tell you everything you need to know about these fellas.

Rudy Giuliani – He has a lisp! Listen to the way he talks. I can’t believe this isn’t a bigger issue. To me, this is far more important that him being woefully unqualified for the job. Could you imagine 4 – 8 years of that? Spitting and sputtering over his S's and Cs! What happens he tries to speak solemnly to the nation? Are we not supposed to laugh at a funny speech disorder even if the topic is serious? I’m going to. With a lisp, nothing is serious.

However, I will give Rudy credit for being cool about banging different chicks and having the guts to experiment with the world of the Taboo.



It’s better than keeping it all bottled in, like most republicans do. I’m looking at you, Mike Huckabee.

Fred Thompson – Man, this guys looks old. I thought actors were supposed to look younger than they are. If that applies to Fred, he must be… about 350. At least Reagan took pride in the way he looked. Thompson looks like a lifelong Mongoloid that was mysteriously given the power of speech at the age of 60.

Plus, when he announced he candidacy, he wore a black and blue outfit with a black tie. Where was he going? A funeral? Black and blue? Like a bruise? Obviously, Thompson doesn’t know how to color coordinate for any occasion. I don’t want a President who doesn’t know how to dress. We suffered enough during the Ford/Carter years.

John McCain – Sorry Senator, but you’ve got a wicked case of whistle talk. For those of you unfamiliar with that, it’s where you let out a whistle when you…… um, talk. Normally, this affects a speakers with the letter “S.” I feel bad for the guy, but c’mon, it’s freaking annoying, man.

Ok, picture this. What if President McCain does a speech where he says, “Supposedly Syrian Swat Forces Swarmed the Syracuse Front Saying Saudi Snipers Shot through Solid Suppression Fire.”

My god! He’d be whistling Dixie and people would be toe-tapping and gearing up for a hootenanny. I hate hootenannies.

Duncan Hunter – Wait, who’s that? No, seriously. I’m not joking… Oh, oh, oh, the moron that wants to build a wall between the US and Mexico, continue to fund the war, and yet cut taxes?

Seriously dude, you’re named after a yo-yo. Our reputation in the world is bad enough as it is.

Mike Huckabee – Look at the lesson of Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle. Nobody trusts a fat guy. Mike Huckabee… he’s a fat guy.



Sure, he may have lost that weight, but that's only because he got diabetes. Not because he wanted to. I always say, “Once that one guy was a fat guy, that one guy will still be a fat guy no matter what.”

Fat guys always let you down. The public knows this. Chris Farley, self-destructed. John Belushi, self-destructed. Roland Manatoss (he was my college roommate for half a semester. He was seriously really fat), joined the circus as a freak show act – unrelated to his fatness, he could swallow swords real well, but you get what I’m saying.

Huckabee is like an alcoholic. He lives day-to-day. Only with food.

Plus, they made a really stupid movie with his name in it. Kiss of death.

Tom Tancredo – You know your drunk cousin who tells the same racist jokes every holiday? That’s Tom Tancredo. No one likes him on Thanksgiving. No one wants him to be President.

Mitt Romney – Did you know that Mitt Romney is 60? Couldn’t tell by his hair, huh? That guy puts so much dye in his hair, he’s like a Chinaman with lead in a toy shop (that’s an Cousin Tommy joke!).

Which points to one big fact about ‘ol Mitt: he’s a vain sissy. While he was Governor of Massachusetts, he dropped 2 G's on makeup. That’s right! On the stuff that makes you look pretty!

Also, he drops $300 a pop on hair cuts too. Back in my day, we had a name for 60 year old rich republicans who spent thousands on hair and makeup. Well, we called them typical republicans. But, we also called them… eh, I guess typical republicans will do.

Ron Paul – [EDITOR’s NOTE: I’ve decided to edit Bustamante’s Ron Paul entry. The Ron Paul online community is a powerful group and I welcome their readership! – Tonto]

Oh boy, where do I start? This guy [CENSORED], is the only [CENSORED] actual Republican [CENSORED] in the race [SERIOUSLY CENSORED] This scares the crap out of the [OBVIOUSLY CENSORED] corporate Republicans because [WHOA!!! CALM DOWN. CENSORED] the people instead of [YIKES! THAT’s HARSH] the media support him. If you’re gonna vote [THAT’s HIS MOMMA YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT] Republican, might as well do it for him.

- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.