Hey.
Being under house arrest sure has given me a chance to recharge the old batteries.
I’ve already storyboarded some new performance pieces to use once they let me back on the streets – I’m gonna call ‘em “Revenge” and “Even as you’re bleeding, I’m laughing at you.”
You know, light-hearted fare for the holidays.
I’ve also had an opportunity to brush up on my people skills, since I’m never really alone in my place these days. Uniformed agents take turns watching over me to make sure I’m obeying the terms of my arrest to the letter of the law, if not the spirit.
They also tend to eat breakfast next to me as well. Quite noisily, I might add.
I’ve never been a breakfast guy, myself. Breakfast is for people who have time to slowly ease into their day. If you’re waking up with a hangover in the house of a guy whose liver is now firmly clutched in your hands, you wait until lunch to eat.
But look at me now. I’m eating breakfast at a real breakfast table, with a spoon and a bowl and cereal and everything. Living the high life!
But to those of you who think I’ve gone soft, let me make myself clear: there’s a great level of difference between the cereal a guy like me eats and a cereal that earns you a backstage pass to humiliation.
Here’s how it breaks down:
If you eat KABOOM cereal:
- You’re an annoying retro hipster who waves the box in front of people’s faces until they give in and ask you where you bought it. (I bet Vans McCoy eats this crap)
- You want marshmallow bits in your food, just as long as they look like broken, discolored teeth.
- You’re a clown. Clowns eat this crap in the hopes that that the asshole on the box will inspire them to make each person’s days a little brighter.
If you eat KELLOGGS ALL BRAN CEREAL:
- You go to sleep before 8PM every night.
- You love to brag about how regular your bowel movements are.
- Cheerios scare you because they look too festive.
- I’ve probably mugged you.
If you eat KELLOGGS FROSTED FLAKES CEREAL:
- You love the taste of cornflakes, but always wanted a quicker way to give yourself diabetes.
- You hold your bowl in your greedy little fingers and sip the sugary, milky mess until you pass out.
- You think eating a kid’s cereal is your way of being subversive (Never mind that you work for the government).
If you eat APPLE JACKS:
-“You eat what you like” – meaning, you eat what some marketing logo told you to like.
- You’re a pedophile, and you hope that keeping the cereal in your house will bring a never-ending line of kiddies to your door.
- You think this image is cute and folksy, rather than macabre and creepy:
- Sugar, corn flour, wheat flour, oat flour, high fructose corn syrup, salt, milled corn, apple juice concentrate, dried apples, cinnamon, modified corn starch, sodium ascorbate and ascorbic acid (vitamin C), calcium phosphate, yellow #6, niacinamide, reduced iron, zinc oxide, pyridoxine hydrochloride (vitamin B6), baking soda, riboflavin (vitamin B2), thiamin hydrochloride (vitamin B1), red #40, turmeric color, vitamin A palmitate, BHT (preservative), blue #1, folic acid, vitamin B12, and vitamin D sound like wonderful things to put inside of you.
And, finally, if you eat SHREDDED WHEAT:
- You eat a healthy meal, just like Linus eats.
- You enjoy the sensation of stabbing your breakfast repeatedly with a spoon until it breaks down into smaller pieces. It makes breakfast more hands-on.
- You take comfort in eating what millions of people have eaten for over a hundred years.
Okay, internet morons, what breakfast cereals do you love/hate? Email me!
LINUS
- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.
0 comments:
Post a Comment