Top 9 Presidential Addictions of all-time

By Bustamante - therealbustamante@hotmail.com

We’ve all been addicted to something over the years. Lord knows I have. Lots of things.

Steely Dan.

Unemployment.

Protest rallies.

Anything else? Oh yeah, drugs. Lots of drugs. I would dare say I’m a specialist when it comes to being addicted. I guess it’s in my personality.

Way back in ’81, I spent some time in a Portland Library, and did some research on American history. Lo and behold, yours truly isn’t the only who’s had a problem in this area. In fact, many of our greatest Presidents (and some not so great ones…I’m looking at you Harrison and Ford), have had problems controlling their demons, if you will.

I hold some empathy for them, but dammit, I spent 6 months in jail once because of my “dependencies,” and these guys go into the history book. Not fair.

Not fair, at all. Man.

So, in this little bit of expose journalism, I’m outing the top ten US Presidential addictions of all-time. For the record, George Washington was a big time booze hound (and poon hound, if my records are correct)...we’re talking Betty Ford level, but he gets a pass. Also, Lincoln was known to cross dress, but he too, gets a pass. Seriously, they earned it.

9.) Gerald Ford – Steroids
Pretty obvious here. Ex-football player. Dumber than a convention hall of Tyra Banks top 1,000 fans with down syndrome. I mean look at him…the cro magnon skull, extended jaw, sagging eyes – all telltale signs. His wife drank; you wonder why? Steroids are known to shrink your nuts, as evidenced by Ford choosing party over country when he pardoned Nixon, cementing the culture of dirty politics that everyone bitches about today.

The root reason of it all, Why US Politcs are the way they are: Steroids.

8.) Thomas Jefferson – Weed
TJ should probably should get a pass too, but someone has to represent the founding fathers on the list. This guy had life figured out. He knew that we were all one humanity, despite our political differences. He was cool as far as inter-racial dating went, was more spiritual than religious…knew there was a greater power, but couldn’t define it. Definite pothead. For sure. Plus, he hung with Ben Franklin…where do you think the phrase “high as a kite came from?”

7.) Andrew Jackson – Painkillers
Look, Old Hickory was the toughest son of a bitch that’s ever been President (yes, that includes Carter), and the only way to survive what he survived is good Old Fashioned Painkillers. At 13 he was taken as a POW by the Brits and was beaten because he told a British soldier to “shove it” when asked to scrub the soldier’s boots.

Over his life, Jackson was in 103 duels and didn’t die. He got shot lots of times (he kept a musket ball in his lung because he could). He’d cough blood, and preferred coins to paper money…because it hurts more when you punch someone with a roll of quarters in your hand than a wad of twenties.

6.) Teddy Roosevelt – Opium
The earliest description of Opium says that its primary use is to aid manliness, strengthen sperm, and reclaim vigor. It also boosted your ability to score chicks and could make you a better alchemist. Sounds like Teddy Roosevelt, huh?

Want proof: Here’s a picture of Teddy after he knocked out an elephant in Africa with his bare hands…still holding his opium bong!



Nature. Manliness. Suspenders. Opium.

5.) Chester A. Arthur – Fashion
Granted, this is no drug, but being addicted to fashion is a bonafide addiction and President Arthur (much like his Dudley Moore namesake) was hooked on living the high life. He was known to change his pants several times a day so that he would look good – in stark contrast to Reagan, who shit his pants several times a day, or Clinton, who stained his pants on a daily basis.

Known as the “Gentlemen Boss” for his style, Arthur was a modern day E! fashion show. He refused to move into the White House until after 24 wagons of old junk was removed so he could redecorate. Chester A. Arthur. Fashionista. President.

4.) GWB – Cocaine
It’s true. It’s totally true. Watch the news…this is what happens when a coke head runs the planet. It’s not Scarface…it’s real life.

3.) Eisenhower – LSD
Historians would lead you to believe that “Ike” suffered from tinnitus, a constant sound in your ear (where else would it be) that resembles anything from buzzes, ringing, or whistling sounds to songs, locusts, or even voices. Tinnitus my ass. Those are flashbacks, baby. Trust me. I’ve been there. Many times.

Eisenhower was known to score primo LSD from the Congo, but when the 1st democratically elected Prime Minister of the Congo, Patrice Lumumba wanted to stop the export of LSD, Ike went batshit nuts, and had Lumumba killed by the CIA.

Fact: Don’t get in between a man and his LSD, especially when that man is Dwight D. Eisenhower.

2.) FDR – Gambling
Little known fact about FDR is that he loved to watch the ponies run. Yup. He’d spend hours while Governor of New York at the track because “he just like to watch things run.” Yeah, right. The truth is that was in serious debt to the New York mob, and after failing to pay up one night…they made sure that FDR never “ran” again, beating him senselessly with a Polo mallet. On the scene, Polo was mistook for Polio, and history was made.

In spite of the mob and their actions, FDR would run again. Four terms as President proved that you can break a man’s legs…but dammit, he’s gonna gamble for the rest of his life.

1.) Harrison – Caffeine (specifically coffee)
They say that a warm cup of coffe is great way to start a day. However, in Harrison’s case, it was the worst way to start a Presidency in history. The former war hero wanted to prove that he was still the leader he was at Tippecanoe, so he guzzled a barrel of hot java and delivered the longest innagural Presidential address in history. It would be the only “longest” thing he did as President. His caffeine-fueled rant lasted two hours…he caught pneumonia, as a result and died a month later. Self-owned.

- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.

NEED TO IMPRESS YOUR LADY? THE SCHMOOZ OFFERS GREAT GIFT IDEAS

Hey there, skinny dippers and beach bunnies!

Your pal, the Schmooz is living large, and loving it. I’ve been seeing this special lady for a few weeks now, and it’s time to give her the perfect gift that will take our love to even greater heights.

I know a lot of you have trouble when it comes to giving your lady friend that perfect gift. That’s why I’ve decided to give you the skinny on the best gestures of love you can give that will make her eyes sparkle and her clothing crumple to the floor.

Some guys go with the idea that if they like something, their love will like it too. Do not buy her power tools, housewares, etc., unless she has specifically asked for them for a gift. Even then, be sure and mix them up with something fun from the list below:

1) Name a star after her.
How much more romantic can you be than putting her name out in the heavens so that the gods of another time can worship her majesty for eons to come?

2) Write her a song.
And here’s the tip. You don’t have to be as skillful with the music as the Schmooz. Just give it the old college try, and the attempt will surely win her over.

3) Make her plaster cast bookends of your special parts.
It’s classy, and functional at the same time. Plus, while her copies of her favorite books are nestled snugly between your naughty bits, she constantly be reminded of you. Eyes on the prize, so to speak.

4) Buy her latex body paint. How many times has your lady friend woke up late and had nothing to wear? With latex paint, you can make her a sexy outfit in just minutes. Plus, the female form looks heavenly with latex.

5) Buy her a flower basket. But with one made of fruit. Just look and see how beautiful these look. They’re sure to tug at her heart.

6) A kitten. Kittens show your lady friend that you’re ready to deepen your love, because you brought this brand new creature into your world that needs your care and attention. And, since it’s not a baby, it requires far less upkeep.

7) A massager. It’s full of multiple uses; she can use it to ease her aches and pains after a hard day, and when the urge hits...well, it can soothe her stress in other ways, manufacturer warnings to the contrary.

8) Massage oil. But don’t buy some pre-packaged stuff. Real lovers make their own special kind of oil. My patented brand consists of olive oil, a hint of lavender, and chocolate.

What gifts do you recommend giving to your special someone? Let me know!

Click here to leave THE SCHMOOZ a comment.

LOVE,

THE SCHMOOZ

- Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.

Illegal Immigration + Summer reruns = Great Reality TV

I’ve dabbled in television. My notoriety as a former boxer opened some doors for me back in the 80’s. I’ll be honest, there were talks of a Tonto Balboa talk show, but they never became anything more than “talks.” I’ve always like the reality genre of TV, but it’s starting to slip. It’s no longer original. It needs a kick in the pants…or a left hook to the temple, if you will.

I also dabble in politics. I’ve thought of running, but no one would take me seriously, I think. So, what I’ve done, is I’ve combined my passions - politics and reality television, and found a way to solve our illegal immigration problem, and create some mighty compelling reality TV to boot.

So far, I’ve pitched the following shows:

The Apprentice: 3rd Shift Detail
Donald Trump is back and he’s revamped the tired Apprentice format. No longer will young pre-yuppies in training battle it out for corporate supremacy, NO! A business is only as strong as it’s weakest link, so to speak. Many would say that the weakest link is the late night cleaning crew. So, “The Donald” has gathered 16 of the brightest toilet scrubbers to battle it out to get a job at one of Trump’s many business’.

Forget the dreaded boardroom, this time…we’re going washroom!

American Amnesty Idol
Pop stars come and pop stars go…but citizenship lasts forever. Watch as Paula, the fat guy, and Simon judge with total honesty as these aspiring Illegal Immigrants sing, dance, and commit check fraud to compete for a chance to go to Hollywood where the American public will vote on who their favorite Illegal Alien is?

Will it be the boy from Cuba who floated over in a inner tube? How about the pregnant mom hoping to stay just long enough to deliver her baby in Hollywood? Make sure you keep your eyes out from the Russian prostitute, who, while often overlooked by the media, is a definite threat to become the next American Amnesty Idol.

Siesta de Amor: Gerardo
Following hot on the footsteps of popular dating shows for Flavor Flav and Poison front man, Bret Michaels, VH1 has announced their next show in their “40-something ex musician” version of The Bachelor. That’s right…you remember “Rico Suave”, don’t you? Well, guess what? Gerardo is back, but he can’t get a date. Luckily, he gets to choose between a dozen of the top donkey-show performers looking to win Gerardo’s heart and perhaps make a career for themselves in the process.

Watch, as chaos ensues as these girls (some as old as 16) live together in a mansion and battle it out for Gerardo…otherwise, it’s back home to their four-legged co-star!

Survivor: Mexico/Texas border
A group of twenty illegals are forced to live in makeshift camps along the border and face physical and mental challenges to test their mettle. Each week the council votes off a member of the “familia” until one is granted amnesty into the States. That way, whoever wins will be tenacious, deceitful, cunning, and able to survive by making and breaking alliances. A perfect American.

Legal or Illegal?One lucky audience member picks a wallet of out 35. Within one wallet only is a green card. From there, the contestant eliminates wallets and each time is given the option of living in other places in the world (besides the United States). When it comes down to the final two wallets: the contestant chooses...if the initially chosen wallet has a green card: welcome, you have the luck of an American. If not: we didn't want you in the first place!

The Real World: Nogales, AZ.
Seven strangers are picked to live in a pueblo. Watch what happens when then have to work together to form their own branch of the Minutemen. Can they balance the pressure of a new job, or will the allure of bars and hot roommates prove to be too much...when people stop being polite, and start being Real!

Made: I want to be a Border Jumper!
Watch as a successful illegal immigrant helps a lost and troubled teenager who has aspirations of illegally crossing the border. Their made coach will give them the freshest gear, show them the tricks of the trade, and provide the self-confidence needed to be a young border jumper...and hopefully help the young person get a date for the prom in the process!

The Ultimate Border Guard
Sixteen of the top amateur middleweight and light heavyweight border guards are given the chance of a lifetime to win a six-figure contract and fulfill their dream of becoming an Ultimate Border Guard as they're coached by two of the best guards in the world.

What do you think? Would you watch these on TV?

Click here to leave a comment.

- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.

Stephany Ericson Love Expert (or ex-love)

My travails in life have taken me to many a location within the vast forest, swamp, desert and oases that is LOVE in the heart: human. I look upon this happenstance as both a blessing and of course a bitching, hellish, painful, and loud scraping noise in my head that won’t ever, ever, ever freaking stop!

Or at least it sometimes will stop...long enough for me to write down something that may possibly be useful to someone who will probably misuse it anyway, oh well I tried.

Here is one of those times, and I write today for you; those hurting souls among us who have recently been scorned by someone on whom you had a crush, cheated on by a lover, divorced by a husband; or even fired by a boss, denied a visa (or Discover), or bought a broken Lotto ticket.

Even though all these circumstances come from different directions they all say the same thing: YOU SUCK!

As I have previously stated, I have been through each and every one of the painful situations above. Although beyond the pain now, I still deeply hurt. Even with the happy news that I recently have received solid assurance of my “pre-approval” status with 1st Nigerian Bank for a secured Visa (Ostrich steak anyone?!), pain still wracks my countenance outwardly. I ache.

There is only one thing to do. Carry on. Carry on the fight to the uninitiated. Give away my learned tools so that others might enable themselves to avoid such pain and anguish.

Here I will give you examples of how to tell if you are out of sync in your life of love. Are you giving too much or not enough? Is your lover true or are they lying? Should you follow them? Or consider spying?

I’d like to see Dr. Suess hanging from a skooch made noose, but that’s only when I rhyme, during my monthly woman time.

1. Does your lover know what color paint is in your house?
If you are only spending time at your lover’s pad, perhaps things are a bit lopsided in your mind. Ask yourself, “Why don’t they want to clean my dishes too?”

Simple tasks done only at one lovers' home are definitely a sign that things could soon become very ugly indeed. Next time you head over there, bring some chores. That will show them that you too have housework that you could be doing. It’s easy to deal with.

2. Does your lover forbid you to talk to anyone else in their life?
There is of course a very small chance that all of the other people in your lovers’ life have a disease that will cause them to become violently ill upon hearing the English equivalent of “hi there!”

Otherwise they are trying to keep you “out of the loop” so to speak; they are afraid that something they told their roommate, co-worker, or friend about you will slip out in conversation, which will lead to...more conversation.

And trust me, between lovers, conversation is bad. It can only lead to...knowledge of the other person...which can lead to...closeness and trust. These do not belong in relationships, they are for the movies. Deal with it, Lovers.

3. Has your lover hinted that you have surgery so that he doesn’t have to deal with Birth Control?
Many people mistake this request as a controlling maneuver designed only to render you infertile in your best years all the while so you can continue being a slave to his every nightly erotic need, even if barely sleeping kids are in the very next room.

But actually it’s a loving gesture!

Think of it as a way to bring the couple closer together in hopes of more convenient, spontaneous lovemaking. That’s what I was told to do. Best you do the same, else he take on yet another girl into his Harem and you lose your place in line. Even though it hurts I’m trying to deal with it.

4. Does your lover encourage you to go out with “other” people, and do they want to read the e-mails sent to you by these "others?"
This sounds very rude and intrusive. It is. But, if your lover didn’t care a great deal about you...they wouldn’t want to test their Jealousy Quotient with you. If, after you set up a few casual dates, your lover suddenly takes up renewed vigor with you...it means that your "JQ" is high!

They want you to STOP going out with anyone else as soon as they realize that other people might have interest in you. You, after all, belong to them, and are their possession. Any straying on your part would be cheating and is not allowed. Somehow, Wednesday nights are no longer available for dancing anymore, and he smells like Tacos and Beer on Thursday. But, he assures you that he is only out with a friend, who models pantyhose. It’s an “artist” thing.

You accept, cuz...your next book isn’t due to be published for 3 more months and you need some company,even though you feel as though you are settling, and gee, I wonder if he has ever heard of exercise, or even a reciprocated dose of oral sex? I do deserve to be happy, and if I want see someone else it’s my business because we talked about this not being a RELATIONSHIP a long time ago...it’s just a thing we are both doing...

Anyway, my advice? Go out with everyone you can-even boxers, bums, and mimes. Grab some happy while you can, cuz it’s all coming to a crash very soon. I can FEEL IT.
I CAN’T DEAL WITH IT!

5. THINGS TO DO TO KEEP YOUR MIND OFF OF TODAY...
WHEN YOU FINALLY CATCH THAT BASTARD WHO IS EVIL AND SELFISH IN A LIE, EVEN THOUGH IT’S BASICALLY AN IMPOSSIBLE TASK TO KEEP YOUR MIND OFF OF THE SHITHEAD...SO YOU MAY AS WELL GO TO HIS HOUSE EARLY TOMORROW MORNING AND WAIT UNTIL HE COMES OUT ON THE PORCH SO YOU CAN EMBARRASS HIM IN FRONT OF HIS NEIGHBORS: “OH BY THE WAY...DID YOU KNOW HE HAS BEEN STEALING YOUR LAUNDRY SOAP? YEAH, AND HE WATERS HIS LAWN WITH YOUR HOSE TOO!”

Oh my god...who am I? What was I thinking? Why did I choose this man? I need a cigarette. Beulah!!! Momma...Try to love one another everyone. Even though we all really feel deep inside, “what’s the use?” Being with someone is better than not being with someone, even if that someone is not very nice to you all the time. Just make nice and deal with it, ok...Lovers?

- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children's books (“3rd Street Stomp”, “Tu Vida Loca” and “I am Enough”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

LINUS THE ANGRY MIME: QUICK WAYS TO FIND/MAKE YOUR OWN ALCOHOL

By Linus The Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com

Hey.

Life’s a funny little turd.

One minute, you can be on top of the world, a wad of cash sticking out of your jeans, and opportunity in your eyes. The next, you’re fighting off cockroaches in the dumpster for tonight’s dinner.

Through it all, I rely on alcohol to smooth out the rougher moments. It’s like my father used to say to me, dreams are for people who don’t have alcohol.

But sometimes fate strikes, and you’re short on cash or there’s no liquor in sight, and you need – no, you demand alcohol goddamn it, right now. These tips below show you how to cope.

1) Vanilla extract. Just open up your kitchen cupboards, and drain this little bottle. It’s got a small kick of wood alcohol that’ll calm the shakes for a little bit. And, hey, who doesn’t like the taste of vanilla?

2) Hair Spray. This will take a knife as well. You need to make a hole in the can, and then, drink the liquid once it comes out. I wouldn’t drink more than a can of this stuff, though – it can make your throat close up, and passing out when you’re not yet hammered is not time well spent.

3) Mouthwash. This is the brass ring of emergency alcohol. They denature this stuff, which means that you can only get snookered on mouthwash in massive quantities. So, grab as many bottles as you can and suck them down until the world smells like peppermint.

4) Aftershave. This marks the beginning of tips for the truly desperate. This tastes like getting punched in the mouth, but the effects are pretty immediate. Look for the cheapest made aftershave. The poorer quality, the better. Stop drinking when you’re having trouble seeing your hand in front of your face.

5) Formaldehyde. If you happen to frequent a mortuary from time to time (and hey, who doesn’t) this is another no-brainer. It’s pretty potent firewater. Just be sure you pass out anywhere but at the mortuary, however. A buddy of mine tried this tip, and ended up with a bit of free organ removal from the funeral parlor.

6) Antifreeze. Use with care. I know, you’ve read my other tips and thought the same as well. Well, with antifreeze, different brands will hurt you in different ways. Some will make you lose the ability to smell, or see certain colors. Others will just end you. Right there. And some other desperate person will pick up the rest of the antifreeze you spilled when your corpse hit the sidewalk, and take a swig as well.

It’s a cruel world, people.

Do you have any other ideas that will get you drunk quickly? Speak your mind, lushes!

LINUS

[Editor's Note: If you do any of this stuff, you're an idiot and deserve the consequences, dumbass! - Tonto]

Click here to leave a comment for Linus.

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

POLL: OVER 50% OF AMERICANS FAVOR BREAKING OUT OF PRISON LIKE A TRUE AMERICAN HERO

Over half the country supports breaking out of prison!

For Immediate release:

A recent poll of readers at Tonto and Friends showed that a whopping 53% of Americans (enough to elect a President, and have some change left over) would break out of prison like a true American hero should they ever find themselves incarcerated. This poll was inspired by a recent story at Tonto and Friends by staff writer Linus, The Angry Mime, on suggested ways to escape prison based on real life instances.

“If more than half of the United States think they’ve got the stones to break out of the Grey Bar Hotel,” Linus says, “they need to get their heads on straight. Don’t knock prison until you’ve tried it. I’ve seen too many guys walk in the joint thinking they’re the incarnation of Steve McQueen, only to become the next Snagglepuss.”

The poll found that 1 in 5 (that’s 20%) Americans would choose to work on their Kegel muscles in lieu of escape. Your Kegel muscles, also referred to as pubococcygeus muscles, are located in your pelvic region. The exercises consist of squeezing and releasing those muscles. Basically, it’s like stopping yourself from peeing…only don’t do it when you’re actually peeing.

“One time,” says Tonto and Friends contributor, Slocomb Jones, “I tried a Kegel exercise and held it for two months. Afterwards, I couldn’t pee for a year. I was like the Lou Ferrigno of Kegels...really buff, with green skin, and ripped clothes. Of course being homeless accounted for two of the three, but Kegels accounted for the others."

Surprisingly, 16% of respondents said they would, “Cry and cry and cry like a one-year old with a bee sting.”

“If you think a bee sting hurts,” says Tonto and Friends editor, and former heavyweight contender, Tonto Balboa, “try getting punched in the face for your whole life. I’ll tell you prison: going twelve rounds with Larry Holmes with nowhere to run. That’s prison.”

Finally, only 10% of Americans said they would use their time in lockdown to create the vanity license plate that their mother always wanted.

“You know, baby,” says international singing sensation, and Tonto and Friends columnist, The Schmooz, “in prison it’s all about love. And many times, the love between mother and son has to take a backseat to...well, the backseat sometimes, you know what I’m saying?”

Indeed we do, Schmooz. Indeed we do.

The information was collected over a controlled period of time from an anonymous cross-section of several thousands individuals acting on their own free will. At no time was anyone forced to mark an answer. Tonto and Friends writers, Stephany Ericson and Bustamante, were unavailable for comment as they are on assignment on location. Basically, all this information is 100% legit. So, eat me.

- Tonto and Friends is a collective of some of the top comedy writers and life bloggers on the planet. They come from all parts of the globe and various life experiences. Together, they bring a daily source of humor and useful life information.

LINUS THE ANGRY MIME: HOW TO TELL IF YOUR DATE IS A MAN OR A WOMAN

Hey.

It’s been the start of a pretty good week for me. Seems like a couple of odd jobs paid off, and I’ve got some cash burning a hole in my pocket. Time for wine, women, and song.

But, since I’ve taken a vow of silence (being a mime and all), that leaves the women and wine. I’ll cover my thoughts on alcohol later this week, but for now, let’s talk about women.

Anyone who frequents enough women as I do eventually runs into the age-old question: how can you tell if your date is a man?

It took me decades of trial and error to develop these helpful tips that I’m about to disclose to you, so please, take them to heart, or prepare to make love to one determined “lady.”

1)Check their hands. Men, by nature have a slightly longer ring finger than their index finger. With women, these digits are almost identical. If you’re at dinner with your date, or at a motel, just be firm and press their hand down on a flat surface to measure. If they ask why, mumble some garbage about reverse palm reading. Or, hell, don’t explain yourself – women like mysterious men.

2)The Adam’s apple. If you’re in the back alley of some Pad Thai restaurant with your date, and she’s sporting enough girth in that region to resemble Clint Eastwood, she’s most likely a man. At that point, double check the region with your hands, but do not choke her. It looks too messy in court if you do.

Here's an example:



3)Tickle her. If you make your lady laugh over the course of your date, or scare the holy shit out of her, you’re gonna hear her voice in its natural state. That should give you enough clues as to whether she’s a cinch to sing soprano or baritone/bass. If you’re more into the scare tactics, I recommend crouching in the dark while your date waits for you at the Greyhound bus station, then jumping out with a pair of lit sparklers ( what – it’s classy!!)

4)See how accurate she pees. This will require you to get your date very, very drunk first, obviously. Unless you’ve hit the jackpot and found some lucky girl who will drop trou to urinate at the drop of a hat. Once intoxicated, head over to somewhere nice, like the rending plant, and play a game to see who can pee on the most rats. If she’s hitting those targets like ducks in a barrel, she’s all man.

5)Look at her handwriting. In the middle of your date, whip out some colored pencils and have a ball making ransom notes with her. Then, look at how she writes. Are her “t’s” rounded at the end? Are her vowels full and rounded? Does she never lift her pencil off the page, except for making “t’s”? If not, then she’s most likely a dude.

6)Look at her clothes. This one is trickier, and not as accurate as the rest, but it’s a good guide if you’re in a hurry, and your date charges by the half-hour. Women love to wear clothing with unnecessary pockets. If you see a small, square pocket on her shirt, and rummage through it to find bus fare, the odds are that she is no lady.

Do any of you have other ideas? Let me know, and I’ll pretend that I care.

LINUS

Click here to leave a comment for Linus.

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

I’m Stephany, I’m Stephany, I’m Stephany

Recently, as you know, I have experienced challenges in my life. My memories of what I thought my life was built upon have needed to be questioned. The very people whom I loved so very much may have been disingenuous to me, for their own benefit. My relationships with them have needed re-evaluation or termination. I have had to “soul search” for what I believe is the very 1st time in my life.

During said “soul searching” my mind swam in a huge open ocean of possibilities with my only question, “who am I?” The swimming mind is an exciting experience and one which I wish had been open to me as a child, but instead I was required by Lanny and Beulah, my stand in parents, to perform chores ad infinitum with my many brothers and sisters.

Upon reading a very small instructional tome (Let Your Mind Swim in Time) that I found in the local book store (Mr. E’s Mysteries and Mystic bookson Davenport) I had the information needed to begin my soul searching.

According to the book, all I needed was some chanting done by a supporter of B. L. Sebob, whoever that is and to drink a heavy tea drink provided by Mr. E, who also happened to be the B. L. Sebob supporter. So, I was set to find out who I am!!

Unfortunately during my mind swimming I actually “met” many people who I am NOT! I’m not sure how they got in my head, but they were there nonetheless. Here is who I met and what they had to say

1. I am not Pytor Illytch Tchaikovsky. “Nadezdeh? Did you get my last letter? Why have you not responded? I’m in agony waiting for your answer! Will they play the piece with or without cannons? My legacy may rest upon this bold statement I have written into my music.”

No, Pytor...my name is Stephany, I’m not sure how you are talking to me. I’m in a bookstore letting my mind swim. Aren’t you dead? Anyway,I think I’ve heard cannons in the 1812 overture. Did you write that?

“NOT IN MY PIANO CONCERTO??!!!” Then he went away screaming, “Sergei, you bitch,you will see me not naked ever again!!”

How could I be communing with the spirit of a dead composer. Was it the chants? The tea? Mr. E?

2. I am not Babe Ruth.
“Now Helen I’m telling you, that a man has got to get strong by eating hot dogs...there is something in them that makes you strong. That’s why I eat so many. So I’ll be strong. And a man needs more than one woman in his life. It's just the way we’re built by God. Can’t help it. So deal with it. Would you like a new fur coat?”

Ahh...Mr. Ruth I’m Stephany, not Helen...did she like the fur coat? Barry Bonds eats a lot of hot dogs too I think.

“Barry who? Is he here? Well, tell him to bring me a few”

Even though the experience of meeting these people from the past was interesting, I was feeling a bit sick.

3. I am not Mao Tse Tung.
“This will take probably about 7 years...but we must reform the land. We must consolidate power here. Take a landowner in each village and execute him. That will show them who is boss. Are you listening Zhe?”

I’m not Zhe...I’m Stephany. Won’t killing the landowners anger the people? Why are you looking at me like that? You can’t hurt me...you’re already dead. You remind me of my grandfather...who is a lousy ping pong player.

“Gung hay, fat choy!”

I hate Chinese food now. And I’m not learning who I am, only learning of avarice and greed.

4. I am not William the Conqueror
“He promised me the crown upon his death, why now does the Confessor’s son deny me? I will invade at once. Do we have enough toast and syrup for a long campaign?”

I’m not sure if you have enough toast, Sir William...but, I’m Stephany. Yy the way, I think you’ll be on the island long enough to make more. In battle don’t be too “Hasting!” Ha ha...you’ll get that tomorrow when you disembark.

“Be gone wench!”

Kings have no sense of humor.

5. I am not George W. Bush.
“Hi Stephany! Hey, I’ve read all your books! Several times even. 'Hair Gel is Poison' is my fave! How’d you get in here?”

Mr. President?

“Uh...nobody calls me that here...Just GW, or little P. But like I asked...how’d you get in here?”

I’m letting my mind swim...trying to figure out who I am. Trying to find out why I think my life is not what I believe it to be. Trying to find answers. So, Mr. E chanted and I drank tea...well...here I am.

“Wow, sounds cool. Got any of that tea left? Never mind I don’t need it.”

How did YOU get here Mr..er, GW? You aren’t dead yet.

“Uh, well...that’s a matter of national security intelligence...matter stuff. Don’t you worry bout it. But let me tell you this. You won’t find who you are in here, no answers-just dead people obsessing about their past. Well...mostly dead people anyway, ha ha.”

Then I woke up the Presidents hollow laugh echoing in my mind. Was he right? Am I looking in the wrong place? Well, the tea, or the chanting, or Mr. E’s cologne had given me a huge headache. Now I am back to square one. I’ll look elsewhere, but at least I know I am Stephany.

-Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of childrens books (“One Mommy 2 Daddys”, “Let it Go Far” and “The House Wouldn't Stand”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

Tonto's video game dreams come crashing down with a right hook

Corporate fat cats ruin everything.

They take someone’s life and mold it like it was a big green slab of play-doh.

Just when that play-doh gets old, smelly, and not as flexible (even after you get it wet), they throw it away.

That’s what happened to me. I was the play-doh...except for the old and smelly part.

As a professional athlete, the right endorsement can make or break your career. In the late 80’s, I thought I had that endorsement sealed up. You see, I may have never won the heavyweight title (thanks for knocking me out, Larry Holmes), but I was supposed to be the Major Circuit Champion in "Larry Homles’ Punch Out." Not that juiced up club fighter, Bald Bull. That’s right, Bald Bull was on the juice. At least the guy they patterned him off of was. 298lbs., my ass. Everyone in boxing knew it.

Like I said, when the suits get involved, it all goes to crap...especially when they’re helped out by a right hand.

By the way, you read me right: Larry Holmes’ Punch Out. That was the plan. Then this happened:



Two days later, I was called up by Nintendo and was told that someone “in the higher ups” thought it “didn’t make sense” for me to be in the game. I was known for my fight with Holmes. That was it, according to them.

They had my character ready to go. I was animated. Everything. But, I guess I didn’t factor into Mike Tyson’s world, or says some Nintendo exec. Instead Bald Bull gets my spot. He was already a World Circuit ranked fighter, so they handed him the Major Circuit belt. Dick.

So what? It’s just a video game, right? Wrong. That decision cost me everything.

1.) Immortality - Fact: Every fighter wants to live forever. Fact: Most fighters are forgotten about before they die. Fact: I would’ve had toys made in my likeness. Fact: People love nostalgia...Mike Tyson’s Punch Out will be played forever. Without me.

2.) Respect - They put you in a game, especially as a champ, that means something. It means a company is willing to get behind you. It means that they think putting your name and face on a poster will sell tickets...well, games in this case. They put Von Kaiser in the game, but not a real fighter? That hurts.

3.) Future Fights - Once word got around the boxing world that I was 86’d from the game, I became a joke. Promoters laughed at the thought of me on their card. I could still go at that point too. The only fights I could get were at county fairs and at the opening of car dealerships...jerks wouldn’t even let me test drive a car. “We can’t sell a car with bloodstains on the seat.”

4.) My Marriage - Yup, I was married. She said that she couldn’t stand the thought of waking up next to me every morning. She never mentioned the game necessarily...but the two events were so close together, there’s no way they weren’t connected. Besides, we weren’t communicating well at that time, so who knows what was going on in her head. I blame Larry Holmes.

5.) No More Selling Indian Shit - I could live off residual money. I wouldn’t have to go door-to-door banking on my fading celebrity status as a means for income. No more filming late night infomercials hosted by some dope addict who was a child star 35 years ago. I could relax. Save. Invest. Look at myself in the mirror without tears.

Here’s to what could’ve been...



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- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.

WANT TO IMPRESS? THE SCHMOOZ RECOMMENDS SIX BOOKS THAT MAKE YOU LOOK SMART

By The Schmooz - theschmooz@hotmail.com

Hey there, apples and bananas!

My last post sure hit a nerve for some of you out there in cyberland. Thanks to everyone who had the bravery to talk about the songs they secretly love.

Now for those of you who remember my delicious encounter with the Coalinga Clucker on the Fourth of July, I am very happy to say that the connection I have with Nina is still going strong. Things have been very hot and heavy, to say the least. I even met her parents the other night while I cooked them my award-winning rack of lamb with sweet potatoes, and a host of other epicurean delights. As Nina’s parents are quite wealthy, I felt the need to impress.

Now, I never went to college. All my worldly knowledge comes first hand, through travel, my many loves, and the preparation that comes with making music. But I wanted to have the right amount of books lying around that made Nina’s parents feel secure. Like I said in my last post, people judge you quick, and you need to make sure that you create an atmosphere that cottons to the kind of person you want them to think you are.

With that in mind – here’s the books I used to convince Nina’s parents that old Schmooz was indeed as wise as he is talented:

1) The Art of War by Sun Tzu. A good book to have lying around, because apparently everyone who is rich claims to have read the book, and used its ideas to become wealthy. But here’s the catch: spring for a copy written in the original Chinese. Then, sit with the book, stare at it intently, and read it right to left. When somebody asks, just casually mention it’s the Art of War.

2) Any book of art. Nothing popular. Van Gogh, Monet, or Picasso makes you look like you’re trying too hard to look smart. David Hockney is a good artist to choose, because he has these funny Polaroid pictures that allow you to nod your head when you look at them and say something witty like, “I admire his ability to play with form and dimension,” which is a phrase that means a whole lot of nothing, but made Nina’s parents beam with pride.



3) Any book you were ever forced to read in high school. But with a twist: the books have to be first edition, hardbound. If you can find signed copies, the better. This makes you look nostalgic and wise, with a deep affection for classical literature. I spent thirty minutes discussing a first edition copy of Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea based on this tip.

4) Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig. The title alone earns you smart points. You’ve got Zen, which is something that even smart people can’t seem to agree upon, combined with fixing up motorcycles, a task most self-professed smart people don’t know how to do. All you need to do is buy yourself a nice leather bookmark, and insert it about three-quarters into the book. This subtle gesture will impress the hell out of smart people, who usually give up on this book about halfway through a read. It’s broccoli for smart people, and the fact that you’re still consuming the book will reap in the praise.

5) The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. Everybody who is smart knows this book. So, without a doubt, you must have it in your library in order to look intelligent. But be sure to go through the book and underline random passages and highlight different paragraphs, so it looks like the book’s been used. Then, when talking with people, using key phrases from the book, such as “begin with the end in mind,” and “sharpening the saw.” Do not, under any condition, say the words “Proactive,” or “win-win” as these have been played out for years.

6) A dictionary. And by dictionary, I mean a big one. And, by big one, I mean the unabridged Oxford English Dictionary. You’re going to have to buy an older one to get the impressive girth you need – the newer versions are either a compacted version, or a 20-volume set.

Then, buy a fancy bookstand on which to place the OED. Leave it open at a random page, and tell guests you promised your mother on her deathbed you’d learn a new word a day for the rest of your life. It’ll make smart people cheer.

What books do you keep around the house to look smart? Let me know!

Click here to leave a comment for THE SCHMOOZ

- Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.

NOTE: If you liked this article, turn the page to The 3 Biggest Lies Told at Work, Political Parties That Put The "Party" Back In 'Political Party', and Cinco Better Reasons to Celebrate Seis-o De Mayo Instead!!!

WHAT OUR TOP INTERNET SEARCHES SAY ABOUT US

Back in my day, we didn’t have the Internet. We had coffee shoppes (that’s right, with a “pes” on the end), hanging out at our dealer’s house, and philosophy classes at the local JC…that’s Junior College, not church.

If you wanted to find out something, you didn’t type it in on Google. You asked the person standing next to you if they knew anything about it. If they didn’t know anything, you could still bum a j off them, and let your mind wander free. That alone would give you answers.

Maybe not the ones you wanted, but they were the ones you needed.

You dig?

So, I stumbled upon a list of some the most popular searches on the Internet. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we’re searching for. What’s the cliché...something about being careful because you might just find what you’re looking for?


1.) Ron Paul – We love the underdog, but when it comes down to it, we’re afraid to do anything when it really counts. For some unknown reason, people like this guy, despite the fact that he’s a total psycho. Wow, he’s against the war. So what?! 75% of the country is too. For 15 years, I was against haircuts, way before it was cool to be. Does that make me qualified to be surgeon general? That’s what I thought. The best thing going for him is that he has two first names. I can dig that. Americans respect that, but it also scares them.

Two syllables. Two names. Two first names.

However, he looks like a bad guy from Star Trek.

Star Trek is for nerds. We can't have nerdy Presidents.

In the end, we’ll vote for Rudy because we will always remember...the movie starring Sean Astin.

2.) Youtube – We like to watch. It’s pretty sick. We’re a bunch of voyeurs. The more embarrassing, or painful a clip is, the more we love it. For the cost of an Internet connection, you can communicate with the world. The result: poorly filmed video blogs about your girlfriend. So much for creating a global community.

3.) Harry Potter – At least it’s a book. A kid’s book, but a book nonetheless. I remember when discussing Kerouac was cool, or wondering when Salinger would appear next, but now we got kids with dipsticks flying around chasing monsters. Yawn. This is literature? I’ll trade you seven Harry Potter’s for one Ulysses. Guess what? You haven’t read Ulysses, but I’ll be you what Harry’s third cousin did on their summer vacation and what the weather was like. I pity you.

4.) NASCAR – Professional left turners. No I’m not talking about the Green Party. This is a sport? Hackeysack – There’s a real sport. 100,000 people go to speedways to watch this. Last time I did that, it was called traffic. What’s the appeal? The speed? The machinery? Nah, we want to watch someone die. A real life snuff film that we don’t have to feel bad about because it’s done in the name of “sport.”

5.) Barry Bonds – When did drugs get so boring? Steroids? So what? All they do is make you buff. How does that enhance your performance? Especially considering they shrink your nuts. Some performance.

I’ve never heard about someone on steroids seeing through to the next dimension that hovers six inches above us and sees that our plane of existence is only what we perceive in any given moment and that we’re all connected living beings through the electrical energy coming from our brains and hearts. All I hear is that they become dicks. Not much of a trip, if you ask me.

This is the drug we care about? We’re officially lame.

Getting big muscles is the worst way to cheat at baseball. Exhibit A: Babe Ruth. Case dismissed.

6.) WWE – Speaking of steroids, people seem to like professional wrestling in America. Are we so desperate to escape our lives that watching 250lb. pituitary rejects from the gene pool jump on each other in speedos is a welcomed relief? What are we running from?

7.) Poker – America’s newest get rich quick scheme. I’m no advocate of hard work, but I’m not crass enough to expect something for nothing. It would be nice...but, give me a break. Everyone thinks they can play, but guess what? You can’t. You’re not going to win.

This isn’t your one way ticket out of the establishment. The house always wins not matter times they show it on ESPN. Try poetry instead...you go just as broke.

8.) Clay Aiken – Yup, we’re homophobes. I thought The New York Dolls were fruity, but then I see this poor bastard. The little kid can’t even admit he prefers the Kia Sport to the Chevy Camaro - if you’re returning my serve - because it will ruin his career...and yet, we’ll all be shocked when he gets caught in 20 years finding solace in the bareback arms of a stranger in the third stall from the left in the public bathroom at a Santa Monica park.

9.) Myspace – Hey look, there’s me on the Internet. Aren’t I special? Wait, there you are too. Be my friend. OK. Wow, I have a life. Time to log off...Now what? Exactly. It’s gone. Myspace might be your own little reality show, but unlike Flavor Flav, Scott Baio, The Bachelor, Donald Trump, and FOX news, you don’t have script writers, and your blog sucks. Nobody cares about you, or your dog, or what you did last weekend. You are just one in a sea of endless humanity. It will continue without you. Your Myspace page is meaningless. Sad, isn’t it?

So what does this all mean? What are we looking for on the Internet? Who knows? I’ll tell what it says about us though:

We’re a bunch of underdog lovers until it comes time to stand behind them who love watching other people get humiliated in short succinct clips while awaiting faux intellectual stimulation and the chance of a death live on TV, but are also consumed by the tribulations of millionaire cheaters in a meaningless pastime who will gladly switch over to gaze upon even larger freaks of nature pretending to maim everything in sight because we need an escape from our lives where the risk of losing everything is what is takes to feel alive and we’re so desperate for immortality that we think one webpage in a sea of millions is a legacy. Oh yeah, and we don’t like homos.

Hooray for the Internet.

- Bustamante

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- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.

LINUS THE ANGRY MIME: FIVE WAYS TO BREAK OUT OF PRISON

By Linus The Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com

Hey.

I’m a little worn out this week – mime work isn’t pay the bills right now, so I’ve been selling my blood to make ends meet.

It’s times like these that makes me wish I was back in OSP. Plenty of time to read, hot meals, and tons of colorful characters. I didn’t have to worry about joining a gang or being someone’s buddy or any of that – seems that convicts are just as scared of mimes as people on the outside.

Of course, running a black market organ business in prison didn’t hurt my reputation, either.

But for every guy who does well in prison, there’s fifty others who want to break out. Today’s post is for them: the dreamers, the schemers, those guys who are willing to stand up to the law and strive to earn a piece of freedom.

If you want to break out of prison, this is what you do:

1) Get a job in prison with access to unique equipment - If you’re planning on making your escape, you can’t work at the prison library. Better off working in a part of the prison that offers access to tools. And when you think of tools you can use to escape, be creative. A couple of guys who were locked up in Alcatraz stole some vehicle tires, broke a window, and swam out of prison. That’s using your noodle.

2) Get someone you love to take flying lessons - It’s a pretty lame way to leave prison, but a popular one. I don’t like it because you drag somebody else into your mess, and now they’re an accomplice who can turn you in at a moment’s notice. There was this one Australian chick, a librarian, who sprung her man out of the slammer by landing a helicopter right inside the prison grounds. And, in a matter of weeks, both were caught. Again, if you have any guts whatsoever, don’t do this one. But, if you don’t have the strength to break out yourself, have your loved ones do the dirty work for you.

3) Be obscenely rich - Charles Sobhraj was this serial killer who worked around Southeast Asia. Racked up a lot of prison sentences, especially in Thailand, a country which is not known for th