LINUS THE ANGRY MIME: HOW TO STAY ALIVE WHEN UNDER THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM

By Linus, The Angry Mime

Hey.

According to my court-appointed therapist, it’s my five-year anniversary with her this week, and I’m supposed to reflect upon the reasons why I’m glad to be alive.

Pretty hard to make a list like that, you know?

I guess I’m glad that I’ve outsmarted and outlived most of the people who’ve wanted me dead. After a promising start as a young mime, I got involved with a bad crowd, and I saw a lot of pretty gruesome things. Enough images to get me out of a robbery charge and into the hands of the Witness Protection Program.

So, yeah, I squealed. You would too, if you knew you were only a breath away from getting your back sliced open with a switchblade, and your lungs handed to you. It’s a horrible way to go, bleeding to death while your organs shake like maracas in your hands.

And the Witness Protection Program works, if you’re not a stupid, arrogant punk like I was. I broke the rules so many times, it’s a wonder that I was only jailed for larceny instead of found dead in a gutter, cut up like Swiss cheese.

After I served my time, I came back to my old haunts, settled a few loose ends. Stopped talking altogether and decided to re-devote my life to the art of pantomime.

But, to be safe, I still use this fake name, and I still travel around from place to place, in case there’s some bitter people with a score to settle.

Look, this world’s got more crime and temptations than ever. Odds are, you’ll probably end up requiring the services of the United States Government to keep your breathing habit. But if you do, follow these tips, or there’s no guarantee you’ll come out of this experience in one piece:

1) Don’t visit your old friends, and do not let them visit you - Take Brenda Paz, a gang member, who in May 2003 was in the program, but couldn’t help inviting old gang buddies over to her safe house to swim in her hot tub.

If your friends know where you’re living, your enemies will know soon enough as well.

2) Never go back home - The Witness Protection Program places you away from your home town for a reason. You go back home after becoming a stool pigeon, you deserve the unholy mess that will happen to you. Brenda Paz got homesick, and headed back to Northern Virginia to see her friends. Days later, fishermen found her battered, bloated corpse floating in a riverbank.

Yeah, I know it’s easier said than done. I was guilty of going back home, too – but not to visit friends. I went back to take a few people out of the census, if you catch my drift. And none of my “field trips” lasted longer than twelve hours.

3) Don’t believe the hype - You’re not gonna end up like Sammy “The Bull” Gravano with millions of criminal's earnings to keep and loads of protection and perks. Most of these Witness Protection Programs are under-funded, and when you can smell the desperation and the lack of services, get out and get out fast. I knew I had to bail on my “protectors” when they started looking more worn out than I was.

How would you survive under witness protection? Humor me with your half-assed stories and email me!

LINUS

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

THE MOST EXOTIC LOCATIONS TO MAKE LOVE: THE SCHMOOZ REFLECTS UPON HIS TWO PERSONAL FAVORITES

By The Schmooz

Hello again, temptations and forbidden fruits!

It’s been a busy month for your old pal, The Schmooz. Spent most of the time up in Ulyanovsk, Russia helping out Gov. Sergei Morozov with his Day of Conception, which took place September 12th. Turns out the Russians are big fans of my music, and it was a thrill to head over there and press the flesh.

It was a lot of hard work, though – I was leading seminars on the right techniques to get your lover to hunker down and groove all night long. Every evening, I threw a huge concert, using my music to get their provincial hearts pumping with lust.

By the time the 12th came around, you could taste the urge to mate in the air. People were taking half of the day off of work to get to bumping one another.

Hell, you know I had a piece of the loving, myself.

Wouldn’t be surprised if nine months come around and there’s half a dozen little ones coming into this world with an innate musical ability, if you know what I mean.

The Russians are wonderful people, but it’s pretty easy to see why Vladimir Putin and Sergei Morozov have to put up all these holidays and cash rewards to get people to make babies. It’s real hard to sustain enough mojo in such a dreary, frostbitten wasteland, you dig? Even a man of my insatiable needs spent a few nights alone just reading a book – a book, I tell you – rather than work up the urge to survive the elements just to meet up with a fine little lady.

That got me to thinking.

Schmooz, I asked myself, where you have felt the most alive in your lovemaking escapades?

And the answer was this: the more extraordinary the locale was for me, the greater the loving became for me and my special someone. Lovemaking is sublime, but lovemaking in the right elements – that is the stuff of gods and goddesses.

Allow me to share with you just a few of my favorite locations where coitus and climate converged in a wicked, sensual dance:

1) On the Corkscrew Roller Coaster, Genting Highlands Resort, Genting, Malaysia - Anywhere else, making love in under a minute and a half on a rollercoaster isn’t much to write home about. But trust me, readers. Genting, Malaysia is not an ordinary place.

Consider this: it’s considered the Las Vegas of Malaysia. Anything goes – gambling, fun, you name it. Aside from the tourists and families, there are some wild, wild lovers to be found in this little neck of the woods. And, this roller coaster is perched above one of the steepest cliffs in Malaysia. You’ll be even more invigorated by the majesty of nature while you’re going to town with some sweet Asian vixen onboard the Corkscrew.

2) On the base of a active volcano, Hawai`i Volcanoes National Park - Just you, your lover, and an asbestos blanket. Pretty romantic, if you ask me. Not to mention the thrill that comes from knowing that at any moment, the fire in your loins could be accompanied by the fire from the earth.

If that doesn’t make love’s magna rise out of you, nothing will.

Until next time, lovers, keep your hearts, minds, and thighs open!

LOVE,

THE SCHMOOZ

- Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.

Green Red Yellow Blue Orange - Three reasons why Guitar Hero is a perfect reason to spend all day in bed

By Stephany Ericson

Last week Tonto Balboa interviewed me. During the interview, he blindsided me with question after question about things that are no ones business, least of all his (he wouldn’t even drive me home afterward. Bastard. Smelly bastard).

One of his ambush-like questions had to do with what is currently most important to me. My answer had to do with a video game and my future mastery of it.

This week a colleague of mine happened to read my interview and phoned me. “Why are you spending any time at all with Guitar Hero when you should be working on your next book? Stephany don’t let one bad publication dictate your career. You have more good books in you, I know it. The world needs you. Please, I beg you. WRITE!”

Haven’t we all had a so called “friend” ask us at some point, “hey, how’s the job search going?” which of course sounds caring and genuine. But, in reality, actually translates to, “you are such a loser, why did I let you in my perfect life?”

I am sooo done with people like that, to borrow some common vernacular.

After I deleted all contact info for my now ex-colleague - who obviously did not care about me at all, created new e-mail addresses for myself, and purchased a new personal cell phone complete with new phone number, I began to ponder their question in earnest. Hopefully I can convince Tonto to change web servers so that ex-colleague will never know that I actually gave them a 2nd thought.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Not happening, Ms. Ericson - Tonto]

Who are they to say that my next book might not come from the inspired visions I have whilst playing Guitar Hero? Perhaps my next great character will be a musician.

Or maybe the setting for my next literary venture will be a child’s eye view of backstage bacchanalian appetites among real Guitar Hero’s. These could come to pass in time. Just you wait.

Only 7 more songs to get 5 stars on.

In any case, here are some reasons why Guitar Hero is a grand way to spend nearly all of your hours out of bed.

1. Guitar Hero Glows - Why? I’ll tell you. It emphasizes the tiny nexus of VICARIOUS that we all carry around in our bone sacks. Why not go out and actually learn to play the guitar for real? Well… because that would take years of study, effort, and sacrifice.

Then, of course, you would need to factor in whether or not you won the TALENT lottery or not. If you didn’t, then even with all the study, effort, and sacrifice you will still sound about as appealing as diseased penguins mating in a trash bin in mid-summer: Kind of a too warm incessant rhythmic bleating with a tin echo that smells bad.

Or worse, you might sound like Dave Navarro. No one wants that.

Instead of risking all those years learning scales, arpeggios, hammer-ons, pull-offs, the circle of 5ths, and what kind of strings to buy - things that could employ you as a music teacher, composer, maestro, etc... play Guitar Hero. It’s NOW, not 10 years from now.

No, it won’t make you any money, but it will make you happy.

2. None of that Jazz - Out of the 100 or so songs available in the 3 existing Guitar Hero games, not one is a Jazz composition. Or Fusion, thank goodness.

Jazz musicians are un-predictable creative geniuses. No one needs that in music. They also have a tendency to forget to call you after a great weekend in the mountains playing… duets. Also, their solos are different every time. Never the same way twice.

Sometimes I wish they would take their creativity to the field of Astro-physics so that we could understand the universe once and for all. But instead, they play 12 tone scales and chords that have too many notes. They change keys and time signatures on a whim during their songs. This throws most listeners off.

We would like predictable, un-changing tunes with pentatonic scales thank you very much. And this is what we are given in Guitar Hero! I Wanna Rock!

3. Goal setting - The masterful designers of this game must have been trained in Ivy League Universities. Not only does their game ROCK with fun, it also teaches one to set goals.

When I first saw the game being played by the child of a friend, I was very nearly appalled at how viciously the child replayed parts of a song over and over… then the child was finally successful with the section in question. The howls of glee could be heard all the way to China (We were in a Department store, so only a few aisles over…).

Even though it was not stated, I instinctually saw that the child had set a goal to finish the section with no mistakes. Nothing could deter him from his task. Not the parental pleading, the store manager closing and locking the doors, or the security guard looming over him (the guard was very clearly in awe of the child).

I bought the game that night. Since then, I have let nothing stand in the way of my goal: 5 stars on all songs. Leasing Managers can collect rent soon, friends... TRUE friends will still be there after my task is complete, and bill collectors can shove it.

I have plenty of Ensure shakes in the portable cooler next to the TV, and I’ve just purchased a fresh pack of Depends.

Now kindly SCRAM!!!!!!!!!

I’m busy attaining my goal.

- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children’s books such as
“This Belongs to You”, “Gordita Runs the Marathon”, and “Artist Schmartist GO GET A JOB!”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack, she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

9 Reasons Why Baseball Sucks

By Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com

Click HERE to leave a comment.

Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com.

When I want to pass time, I think of Debbie Harry circa 1977 and squeeze one off.



Or, I think of creative ways to quit jobs/get fired. For example: let’s say you work as a costumed character at a well-known amusement park. Sure, you can show up drunk and perform just fine. But what about sneaking a water bottle in your costume and when the kids show up to hug you… go ahead and “piss” on them.

Now that’s passing time.

If I’m in public and want to kill some time, maybe I’ll think of the best way to cheap shot everyone in sight. No offense to Debbie or peeing on tourist children.

The last thing I think about is baseball.

“But it’s the American pastime, Vans.”

I’m American. Baseball sucks. Something must not be right, right? Wrong.

Off the top of my head, I can think of nine reasons why baseball is the worst “sport” ever.

9. The announcers – A home run isn’t the second coming of Christ, so stop treating it like that. It’s a ball that was steroid-fueled to fly 400 ft. Yawn. It happens hundreds of times in a given season, so stop acting like it’s the first time you saw a set of titties.

Oh yeah, just because an announcer is old doesn’t mean that he should be commentating. You want to know how to commentate baseball on TV? You say, “Did you see that?”

Old equals nostalgic, but it also equals as boring as a being dropped off by your mommy at a Blink-182 concert.

8. Sticks and Balls = lame – Baseball is a game, not a sport. Why? Because you use a stick and a ball. Now let’s see, what other “sports” use a stick and a ball?

There’s Golf… oooh, real athletic fare.



What else? Polo?



Another activity that makes me wish for a global 17.0 earthquake.

7. It’s Not a team sport – Baseball has pulled off a master con on the world by getting people to think it’s a team sport. It’s not. Baseball boils down to pitcher vs, batter. That’s it. The other guys are there to pick up the garbage.

Baseball fans are nuts about individual stats. Why do you think that is?

6. The DH: A Professional Fat Guy – Hey, are you a tub of lard with a dream of being a professional athlete. Fear no more. You too can still be a professional athlete! The Designated Hitter role is tailor-made for you and other high level pros who don’t like to run.



Just swing a bat, jog to first, get replaced by a real athlete who likes to run, and collect your millions. Don’t worry about things like diet and training. Those are for suckers. You’re a DH. You’re a professional batting cage attendee.

5. Worst interviews ever – On the whole, sports interviews suck worse than an MTV awards show, but baseball players bring a whole new level of annoyance to interviews. Why even bother talking to these morons? They have no personality.

“We played hard. Just taking each game as they come. We just have to keep working and playing hard. We have to stay focused. It’s a long season. Anything can happen. We’re making the right adjustments. Our team is really starting to come together. We’re going to make a run for the playoffs.”

Hey look, I just covered every baseball interview for the past 50 years.

4. The Manager’s wear a uniform – Could you imagine a football coach wearing tights like his players? Or a basketball coach wearing baggy shorts, a headband, and a loaded .45 in his waistband? So why do baseball managers do it?

And why the hell are they called “skipper?” They’re not sailing the seven seas, they’re sitting on their ass for three hours spitting out seeds until they get a chance to yell when the ump makes a bad call.

3. Relief pitchers – This job is even easier than the DH. You crack jokes in the bullpen for 7 innings, warm up for one, and then come in when your team is already winning and the other guys are tired. The relief pitcher is like a professional bully.

Look at them when they stroll their lazy ass out to the mound; you’d think they were getting ready for 15 rounds in Madison Square Garden vs. Ali.

Basically, if you’re a relief pitcher that means that you’re not good enough to be a real pitcher, but your jokes are funny, so they keep you around on the team bus.

2. Baseball players are Pussies – I’m talking major league pussies here.

Exhibit A: Sammy Sosa, muscular Home-Run hitter, misses games because he hurt his back sneezing.

Exhibit B: Wade Boggs, Hall-of-Famer, misses games because he strained his back while putting cowboy boots on.

Exhibit C: Kevin Mitchell was late reporting to spring training because he hurt himself eating a microwavable donut. I’m not making this up.

Exhibit D: MVP Jeff Kent broke his wrist… while washing a car at a self-serve car wash. Seriously. Are you fucking serious?

Exhibit E: Marty Cordova burned his face in a tanning bed and had to miss a game. Big. Gaping. Vagina.

Exhibit F: Glenallen Hill fell out of his bed, crashing into a glass table, while having a nightmare about spiders.

I rest my case.

1. I’m Good at it – I’m no super athlete, but I can play baseball with the best of them. There was a time where I hadn’t touched a glove or bat for three years, and I was asked to fill in on a baseball team… and I was the best guy on the team. It’s not hard.

It’s America’s pastime because it’s easy. You have to run for less than a minute. You get to hit something. You have a big ass glove with webbing to catch something. You know the secret to catching a ball? You stand in front of it and stick your hand up. Bingo.

- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

NOTE: If you liked this article, take a swing at Our Sports Column Archives, The Ask a Pirate Archives, or our Political Archives!!!

LINUS THE ANGRY MIME: WHY MARCEL MARCEAU WAS A DICK

By Linus, The Angry Mime

Hey.

So, Marcel Marceau died last weekend.

Mimes tend to get a sixth sense when one of us is about to die.

Call it intuition or whatnot.

I was knocking the stuffing out of some drunk in a bar for calling me a clown. Clowns are to mime what dentists are to doctors. Less aptitude and less schooling – clowns aren’t even in the same universe as mimes.

So, yeah, I was really going to down with this guy, smashing his face against the bar, filling his mouth fulla splinters and shit. Leaving some teeth stuck in the wood. I looked down at the puddle of blood he had made, and I shivered. I knew someone big was about to leave this world.

So, as typical, the media’s all over themselves to make the public remember how frigging great pantomime is, how kind and gentle and brave and smart Marceau was.

Look, Marceau had great physicality, and he could shill like a used car salesmen.

Big respect for that.

But he was a dick. Plain and simple.

Here’s why:

1) He never did street mime.
He did mime work for theatre, tv, movies. In that environment, people will eat your shit with a spoon, and never tell you if they disagree with the choices you’ve made.

On the street, you’ve got to contend with homeless guys throwing used condoms and hypodermic needles at you if they think your representation of the President is a little too critical. He worked in a bubble, and never had to get his hands dirty with the common people like I do.

2) He ruined public opinion of mime work with his goddamn Bip character.
Contrary to what Marceau did, there’s more to mime work than walking around like a lobotomy patient and finding “joy” and “childlike innocence” in the most banal things. Mime work can also be about making the darkness of the human condition even more devastating and raw.

True story: When I won the Deburau Prize, I got the chance to perform my winning piece in front of Marceau and his little vanity mime company. Not two minutes into my performance, titled “The Abortion”, that little bitch walked out of the theatre.

Afterwards, he told me I lacked the subtle grace and appreciation of life that a true mime artist should possess. I was young then, and I really looked up to guys like Marceau. He shook me pretty bad that day.

Not even keying his car took away the hurt and desolation.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: yeah, Marceau’s worm food. But he had a great life. If you really want to show you care about art and artists, take a bus downtown and support some of the mimes working in the streets, doing all they can to reach out to people who don’t even stop to notice the culture that’s all around them.

LINUS

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

Punk Rock Journey Ends in a Local Video Store

Vans McCoy has been around. He remembers back when it was "real." What's "it?" And why is it real now? Who knows. But, if you ask him, he'll tell you why he's the foremost expert on anything that he can have an opinion on.

1) C'mon - that's a fake name, right?

Well, if someone yells, “Hey, Vans,” I’m going to turn around because they’re probably talking to me, right? Right. That’s pretty real where I come from.

2) Looking back on the bands you were in, which one had the greatest chance of becoming a success?

They were all a success in their own way. They kept me from having a “real job” for decades, so I’d call that a success. We were put on compilation records/cds. We played the student unions of the best Division III schools in the nation. So what, you have to sell millions to be “successful” right?

3) Suppose someone came to your video store and wanted to watch a Sandra Bullock romantic comedy. How would you diffuse the situation and set them right?

Trick question! We don’t carry Sandra Bullock in my store.

You want Italian Zombie



Santo films




or Lorenzo Lamas movies



you’ve come to the right store.

To answer your question, if a girl wanted to rent a Bullock movie, I’d laugh and politely tell her that this store isn’t for her and that she should check out a Russ Meyer film or leave. If a guy wanted to rent one, it’d be like this scene…



4) What crimes or acts of civil disobedience have sent you to jail?

Mainly fights. I’ve gotten more tickets than anything. Pissing in public, drunk in public, public nuisance, and so on.

Civil disobedience is for hippies. I can’t stand them.

I yelled “Fire” in a crowded theater once. That was fun. It didn’t cause the fury that people think it might’ve. No one ran. No one gave a crap except the security guard who called the cops. I took a shit in my pants to diffuse the situation. The cops let me go.

5) Is Netflix a major threat for your store?

Thankfully, behind the black curtain in the northeast corner of the store, a cornucopia of hardcore pornography lay, so my store aint going nowhere for a long time.

6) Tonto says he gave you this job because he owed you late fees. What types of movies does he rent?

He rents a lot of old boxing matches on VHS. He rents old silent comedies. Sometimes, he checks out old Super Nintendo games. He never returns the boxing matches on time. He kept Ali-Foreman for six months. Idiot.

7) You wrote an in-depth post on subjects you hate talking about. What are three subjects you do enjoy discussing with people?

- Whether or not Billy the Kid was shot by Pat Garrett, or escaped to Mexico. I say Pat let him go. You don’t shoot your bandmate in the back. Brotherhood is bigger than the law.

- How much of a shitty filmmaker Quentin Tarantino is. He’s like the Xerox of the film world. He’s good at making copies of other director’s work. But, ask him to make something original and you get dog crap.

- I’m a big fan of Controlled Demolition… not in like conspiracy theory crap. I’m talking about the late 70’s band from New York. I saw them play at a show in the basement of a Laundromat. Probably the best show ever. Me and 45 people saw it. Most of the other concertgoers are dead, homeless, or in jail, so when I can talk to someone about that show, it’s on!

8) Do you think it's fair that you are paid more than your fellow writers?

I don’t care. It’s fair to me. Tonto’s deal with them is none of my business.

9) If you could make the world's most amazing band, who would be in it, and what type of music would they play?

Well, we’re a punk bank. Period. And none of this modern, radio friendly garbage. Our shows would be dangerous. Like, you may get a head wound dangerous. You may get stabbed dangerous. There would be none of this, “we’re evolving our sound with each record” bullshit. That’s an excuse for sucking. Tickets would be cheap and kids would get beat up for wearing our shirts.

I’m the vocalist.

10) Do you have any regrets in life?

Hell No! Regrets are for Sinatra songs and people with desk jobs.

- Tonto and Friends is a collective of some of the top comedy writers and life bloggers on the planet. They come from all parts of the globe and various life experiences. Together, they bring a daily source of humor and useful life information.

Reagan. Poker Games. The Sphinx. All in the life of an extrodinary bum.

He's tough to track down, but when we do, it's always something special. He's Slocomb Jones, the premier bum in the United States. We're lucky to have him here at Tonto and Friends, and we know our readers have grown to love Slocomb.

In this exclusive, we got Slocomb, who's always on the move, to sit down and answer some questions. We had to give him some change... but hey, that's why he's a pro.

1) What is your earliest childhood memory?

One time, when I was a baby, I remember my daddy taking me to a saloon. I couldn’t been more than two. My dad was a poker man and hustler. He was playing a back-room mark for a case of gin. My dad was so sure of his three jacks that he raised… well, he raised me.

The back-room mark had a full house. That was the last time I saw my dad. It’s ok.

2) What do you think is the strongest skill one needs to have in order to become a professional bum?

Perseverance, first and foremost. You have to have the ability to not give up giving up when the times get hard. In this line of work, times are hard a lot of times. It really separates the bums from the wannabes. You have to want it more than anything, and I didn’t want anything else.

One time, late in my career, a group of college kids tried to help me, telling me that it wasn’t my fault where I was.

“I’ve seen the world, dined with King’s, and slept under the stars. So go back to your safe classroom, will ya… If you want to do something nice for me, leave the lasagna. Think you could spare some of those little round shiny things with Presidential portraits on them?” I said.

3) How did you end up writing for Tonto?

One time, I was at the ’84 professional bum convention in Reno. I was staying on the fifth floor of the Radisson parking structure. Real nice place, if you ever get the chance. Anyway, me and a couple of other distinguished bums were discussing the finer points of pugilism (you’d be surprised how many former pro boxers now make their living among the homeless. Some have an unfair slurred speech advantage), and Tonto’s name came up.

They called him a bum, so I set my sights on meeting this so-called “bum.” It took six weeks to track him down in San Diego. When I found him, he was living in a hostel. From where I come from, that’s no bum. I told him that I didn’t appreciate people calling him a bum.

That seemed to flatter him for some reason… I was a bit insulted. Anyway, he wouldn’t let me leave. The only way I could move on was to tell him I’d write for him. So, every few weeks, I sneak into a cyber café and send him a post before I get kicked out.

4) Who's the most famous person you've met during your career?

Leif Garrett.

He’s depressing though. He asked me for some cash. What am I, a walking ATM?

5) If you weren't a professional bum, would other career would you have chosen?

I can’t imagine being anything else… I did try politics once, but that didn’t pan out.

6) If someone made a movie of your life, who would play you?

Great question. I think Randy Quaid would be good.

He’s funny.

7) What's the craziest thing you've ever done as a professional bum?

One time, I snuck onto an airplane. This was in the early nineties when you could do that sort of thing. I got on a plane to Egypt, and took a cab to The Sphinx. It was weird, I passed by a castle and New York on the way... I guess things are different in Egypt. I went around to the back and sat next to the thing. I took a nap for about 45 minutes until a security guard threw me out. Definitely, a watershed moment.



On the flight back, I joined the “mile-high” club. I asked a guy flying coach if he could spare a buck so I could buy a Miller. Of course, I kept the dollar and joined the very elite group of professionals who’s successfully bummed some money at 35,000 feet.

8) Have you ever been in love?

The work has always come first for me. Maybe someday I’ll meet the woman that makes me want to settle down. Now that I’m retired, I think there’s a better chance of meeting the woman of my dreams.

It’s been tough to find the right woman. She has to share my dreams and work ethic. Without bragging, that’s a rare woman.

9) How did the Reagan Administration's decision to shut down scores of county psychiatric hospitals affect your career in the 80's?

Well, it certainly flooded the marketplace and the market still really hasn’t recovered. A lot of these guy didn’t have the tools to be on the streets and created an environment that was not conducive to professional homelessness. There’s a limited amount of natural resources available in this industry, and Reagan only made it worse.

Reagan was never a big supporter of the working man.

10) What's your motto on life?

Motto’s are for people who don’t like to work, so I have plenty.

My main one is that the cup isn’t half empty… it isn’t half full either. It has a hole in the bottom of it.

- Tonto and Friends is a collective of some of the top comedy writers and life bloggers on the planet. They come from all parts of the globe and various life experiences. Together, they bring a daily source of humor and useful life information.

Guitar Hero Dreams. Failed Relations. Death Threats. All Add Up To Create a Psycho Writer

Stephany Ericson is an enigma. One part heart-warming. One part unintentionally hilarious. Several parts pretty nuts. All those combined make up perhaps our most intriging and challenging writer at Tonto and Friends.

Or, she might very well just be the most insane writer on the staff... which is a huge, um, accomplishment?

1. What is the most satisfying thing about writing for you?

Well good question, Mr. Balboa. I suppose it could be the way I can stay in touch with the deepest, most private parts of me and my life. I can use the experiences in my life as personal catharsis and entertain others at the same time. Plus, who are we kidding? The pay is great!

2. You seem to have some relationship problems in the past. Do you ever see this changing?

What school of Psychiatry did you attend? Oh, that’s right you are a boxer, or ex-boxer, not a Dr. What do you know about how to spot relationship problems? I have not had relationship problems. The people I was with happened to be users and losers of average body type.

THAT is a problem, I agree, but each “relationship” was a pure example of human interaction potential. Unfortunately, the potential was not fully realized, of course. And I do hope that changes in the future. The near future even.

What are you doing later? I heard long ago that “potential” is a French word that means: you aren’t worth a damn. I am not a Francophile so I do not know if this is true, nor do I wish to slouch toward google and look it up. Know why? It’s time for more of my medication.

3. How did you get into blogging with Tonto?

My literary agent, Vladislaw Czolnitkowitz, or I should say my ex-agent, was for a time employed (very busily) as Tonto’s cut man. So, when some of my books took it on the chin so to speak, he suggested that I try writing for the internet where the quality standards were less rigid than they have become in the world of children’s books.

At least that is what I think he said. I don’t speak Polish. Nor do I use nail Polish. My medicine is beginning to work! Know why? Because I don’t care that I used a pun, and… I’m suddenly attracted to athletes, even ex-athletes, wink wink.

4. Does your family support your writing?

Why do you need to bring my family into this? Let me borrow a statement from your white faced friend Linus, is it? Why would they NOT support me?

It is true that in my recent evolution from naïve waif to worldy and scorned woman, my relationship with my family has been somewhat strained. But at the bottom of me, the very cellar of my being, or actually underneath the cellar-the basement of my cellar of me, if you will….is the foundational love of my family.

They are somewhat saddened that I have not chosen to go into the family business full-time, but they are happy that I have not divulged any useful information to the FBI.

For this loyalty, and I think for the legitimacy my publications bring to the family name, they have ceased their attempts on my life. So, yes there is family support. From afar.

5. What inspires you on a daily basis to write?

Oh my goodness! Daily? Who writes every freaking day? Forgive my language. If I wanted to have an everyday writing job I’d be at an ad agency writing copy to make all the REAL money for some 28 year old Vice President who can’t even really “perform” if you know what I mean AND was promoted 15 years too early. Not that I know anything about any potential scenario like that. Got Milk?

But…in answer to the kernel of curiosity in your querry, oh how I love alliteration and Vicodin, I would say that lately I am inspired by people. Specifically, the people who have recently left my life, but are still in my head and refuse to leave. Tears have not made them go away, nor have pleading for more chances, or begging, or giving it away for free.

I do feel that I can push them out of my head with words however. And since I will go absolutely bat-shit crazy(my therapist used this term to describe me to a colleague… I read his notes) unless I rid these people from my mind. I have lately been telling nothing but the truth in my writing. I feel better after telling the truth. This inspires me.

6. Is there a dream story or blog that you've been unable to write?

Are you implying that my writing is sub-standard? One day I hope to write about the experience of running a sub-4 minute mile. This may need to occur in another life, as I am currently working on the sub-10 minute mile. But I assure you I am in “good shape” Tonto. Think about that for a few…

7. What matters most to you and why?

That I finish all the songs in Guitar Hero II with 5 stars. Because I always thought of myself as a poor woman’s Lita Ford. And if I get 5 stars, that will mean I’m worth 5 stars, and if I’m worth 5 stars maybe, just maybe I’ll get the love I deserve. Did I say that out loud?

8. Where’s your favorite place that you've traveled to?

That would have to be when I let my mind swim through time at Mr. E’s bookstore. I know it wasn’t really a “place” per se, but it was the most interesting “travel” I’ve ever had. Even better than any of the road trips my parents on. Do you want to take me somewhere, Tonto?

9. Describe your dream date.

Oh my god… are you hitting on me, Tonto? It’s about time. Why are you sitting way over there? I don’t bite. Unless you ask me to.

10. If you could give any advice to a young writer/blogger what would it be?

Don’t sleep with someone until you are absolutely positively sure that they are in love with you. I’m talking… they would allow you to do open heart surgery on them in love.

Oh, do you mean about writing?

Just write. Write about buttons, write about lawn mowers, write about lovers who could be called Janus. Get to the bottom of you, and when you get there get a shovel, dig up the stuff of you. Smell it, taste it, swallow it, vomit it. Then put it on paper.

Or MSWord.

Oh, and “I” before “me” except after tea! Or when someone sounds “hey, neighbor, wanna play?”

Oh I love that one!

You may kiss me now Tonto. Please? I am NOT drunk. I am “medicated.” Fine. This interview is OVER.

LOSER

- Tonto and Friends is a collective of some of the top comedy writers and life bloggers on the planet. They come from all parts of the globe and various life experiences. Together, they bring a daily source of humor and useful life information.

A MIME SPEAKS: LINUS THE ANGRY MIME REFLECTS ON HIS LIFE, CRIMES, AND THE NOBLE ART OF PANTOMIME

From the orphanage to a life of crime and art. Linus, the angry mime has lived a life that few could ever imagine. Please enjoy the following entry in our "get to know the writing staff" series here at Tonto and Friends, as we get to know to Linus a little better.

If you don't like it, he'll probably hurt you with the intent of stealing something of value from you.

1. Why Mime?

Really.

Are you kidding me?

Are you seriously kidding me?

Why not mime? Why not one of the oldest arts in the world, one that engages audiences of all ages? Every civilized culture in the world has had pantomime. Anybody who doesn’t appreciate mime should be ripped open by wild seagulls and then have to crawl through broken glass for a mile.

I’m serious.

I’ve trained the seagulls to tear flesh and everything.

2. Have you always been a performer?
Sure. I grew up performing for the other kids at the St.Thomas orphanage, where I grew up. I’d make up light-hearted performances for them, pretending to be crippled so the bullies wouldn’t fight me, and then knocking them out when their backs were turned with a sock filled with washers. Man, I miss that sock. It helped me through a lot of beatings.

3. How did you get into blogging?
Is that what the Internet morons call this writing thing? Man, these questions suck goat turd.

Tonto had a court date. I was at the courthouse myself, helping out a friend of mine by making sure a certain uninvited guest didn’t show up in court that day. My work done, I was running down the stairwell when I see Tonto sitting on the steps, smoking.

I lost a pretty sizable chunk of change on his fight to Larry Holmes, so I was ready to pick him up, toss him over the side, and race him down to the bottom. But, as I started fighting him, I could tell his glory days were over. He could barely even swat a fly, let alone a mime of supernatural strength. He begged me to let him live, and promised he’d make up the money I’d lost to him by letting me write on his new humor website.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Linus is fond of hyperbole. That's why I hired him. There's not a fly, nor mime, living that I couldn't lick. - Tonto]

Looking back on it now, I don’t know if letting him live was the right decision. As far as money goes, Tonto keeps talking all this bullshit about ad sales making the site money, blah blah blah I so don’t freaking care blah blah. So, I haven’t seen a dime. Look, lonely Internet nerds, click the damn ads! Do it before I paint your living room with your pet’s brains.

Oh, and if any sexy women readers are reading this site, send me your goddamn naked pictures already!

4. What's the best/worst part about being a mime?
The best part about being a mime is the power you hold over other people. You can create entire worlds out of thin air. Plus, the makeup just freaks the shit out of people, and they can’t help but stop and pay attention to you.

The part that sucks is that you make less money than an Albanian insect farmer, so you need to turn to other work to get some cash.

5. What were the circumstances of your first crime?
It was stupid crap, really. All I was doing was taking advantage of the great American tradition of free enterprise. I got a hot tip that a village in Calcutta had donated their organs to the US, but that the US was about to ship them back. Something about not being able to use leper parts or some bureaucratic nonsense.

So, I decided if the government was too squeamish about peddling defective kidneys and hearts, I should be able to take them for myself and sell them to the highest bidder. Breaking into the docks and pinching the goods was easy. Keeping them fresh and frozen until finding a fence who could sell them was the hard part. In the end, the state only caught me because they caught me on surveillance, so there ya go.

6. Do you have a problem?
The only problem I have is with the Girl Scouts. And Octoberfest. And motel managers who charge by the hour. And not having any alcohol.

7. How do you feel about the bloggers on the Tonto and Friends staff?
Who gives a whoop about my “feelings?” You’re not my frigging therapist. I don’t sit on your butt-ugly couch and write about my “emotional hurts” with you.

Tonto = chump.
Vans = such a tool that he should have Black and Decker tattooed on his ass. Bustamante = stingy bitch who never shares when he’s holding.
Stephany = dirty, dirty, black-sheet wearing whack job whore.
The Schmooz = big ass liar, but his music ain’t bad.
Slocomb Jones = pretty cool guy, actually. He’s lived more in his life than any of these other bitches put together.

8. Do you have friends?
Friends are for those who lack the strength to go it alone.

9. Marcel Marceau... hack or genius?
Marceau’s way too overexposed and commercial.



People saying they like mime because they like Marceau is like saying you like wine because you drink Ripple.

10. Do women respect you?
They damn well better, because I pay full price and don’t waste their time with chit-chat.

- Tonto and Friends is a collective of some of the top comedy writers and life bloggers on the planet. They come from all parts of the globe and various life experiences. Together, they bring a daily source of humor and useful life information.

Getting to know our resident hippie and expert on all things topical, Bustamante!

The following is the third part in our "get to know" the writing staff here at Tonto and Friends. Today, we're going to take a few minutes and enter the world of Bustamante - a man who's done it all... and remembers most of it.

1) Do you think the hippie generation managed to change the world?

Nope. But I got laid a lot. A. LOT. As in like daily. I was loaded nonstop from 1968 – 1991 and still managed to end up with a retirement plan and an insurance policy. Played some hackeysack, read way more books by authors you’ve never heard of (no King or Grisham in my library).

So, no, we didn't change crap.

2) What drug has given you the most pleasurable experiences?

LSD. For sure. Example: LSD makes The Rolling Stones sound like a good group. I’ve been to Mars. Life isn’t there… anymore! Check it, Mars is the yellow light for us in terms of the solar system. If we don’t slow down, we’re gonna end up a barren, dusty, red planet. I spent six months on Mars one night. We descended from Mars in ape form. Earth is our last chance. There is no Venus, and the moon is a shithole.

How do I know this? Multiple tabs of LSD placed under my tongue.

3) Describe your time teaching junior high math.

I wanted to change the world, and I thought the best way was teaching kids the Pythagorean Theorem. I’d figured out how it applied to Reagan-omics and also taught my students how the equilateral triangle was relevant to the conflict in Granada and El Salvador. I explained the process of adding negative numbers by saying how Nixon and Ford led to Jimmy Carter.

The kids liked it. The parents weren’t thrilled.

4) What's it like working at a Newport Beach yacht/country club?

Sun. Sand. Titties. Tennis. It’s great. I work from 10am to 3:30pm (with an hour lunch). I teach housewives how to return a backhand in the morning, and the milfs bring the youngsters at 1pm after daycare and Valium.

The women like me because I have facial hair. Women don’t want facial hair on their businessmen and lawyers husbands, because it sets a bad example for the kids… but they love it on the guy they have sex with. Trust me.

I get invited to swanky parties where I score tons of free food. The men treat me like a novelty… just as I treat their wives from 1:30pm – 3:30pm Monday through Friday.

5) Suppose somebody offered you a million dollars, plus a chance to represent the US at the Olympics for hackysack. However, in order to take this offer, you must cut your hair. Would you do it?

Well, first off, I’d rather represent mankind instead of the U.S. Nothing personal against the U.S.



Well, it depends what kind of time slot hackeysack had on the broadcast. If we were getting the 3am spot, the I’d say no go. If it was primetime, right before the men’s gold medal game in basketball, I’d do it for sure. That’s the key slot for advertisers and corporate sponsors. They could make me the Tiger Woods of Hackysack, except I’m not Black/Asian and I don’t wear yuppie clothes…wait, did you say a million dollars?! Fuck yeah, I’d cut my hair.

6) You mentioned in a previous post your deep love for jazz. What jazz artists are you listening to now, and would you ever consider listening to some of the music your fellow writer "The Schmooz" makes?

Jazz is becoming too mainstream. Right now, I’m really digging the funkulation movement. I saw a two-person band play in a Laguna Beach coffee shop and it blew my mind. The guitar player only played on two of the strings and only used the range of three frets per song.

Very rule-oriented music, but very freeing too.

The percussionist/vocalist tapped the beat with her fingertips on top of a flat piece of cut wood. Each song would have a different piece of wood. In between songs, she talked about her dream to make Home Depot a music store. The lyrics were a mixture of pig Latin, gibberish, and English with all sorts of accents mixed together. Very political.

They talked about adding a horn player, but I think it would dilute the sound. Shoot …I’ve already told you too much, and will probably have to move on to something less known and way more cool.

Listen to The Schmooz? I believe the kids say “LOL” these days.

7) Okay - who's better: The Grateful Dead or Steely Dan?

Credence.

8) What fascinates you so much about American history?

It’s funny. The rich, man. They sure know how to mess things up better than the average guy, don’t they? Look, at any point in American history where you stop and go, “Wow, that’s fucked up.” Who’s responsible for it? A rich guy. And yet, who do we always trust to put in charge? You guessed it.

9) How do you and Tonto know each other?

Tonto was working as a caterer as the yacht club. He was taking “an extended break” outside in the back smoking a cigarette. He called it, “collecting a paycheck.” I bummed a smoke and we struck up a conversation and blogging came up.

10) If you could have lunch with Timothy Leary (and he was still alive) what would the two of you talk about?

I’m sure we’d have an appetizer. I’d want cheese sticks. He’d probably want the spinach dip. I never liked that stuff. Too fluffy for me.



I would order the house merlot and a bottled water with a side of lemon. I’m sure we’d talk about Dinosaurs, time travel, German poetry (though both having read none).

We’d probably spend most of the day talking about how the Lakers look this season. I’d say they still have some work, but Leary would say if they channeled their zen and opened their eyes that they could make a run. He was always a dreamer.

- Tonto and Friends is a collective of some of the top comedy writers and life bloggers on the planet. They come from all parts of the globe and various life experiences. Together, they bring a daily source of humor and useful life information.

THE NAKED TRUTH WITH THE SCHMOOZ: THE SULTAN OF SEX ANSWERS QUESTIONS ABOUT LOVE & MUSIC.

The following is the second in a series of in-depth questionnaires with the blogging staff of Tonto and Friends. Today, we take a look at the world of Reginald Thurgood, known throughout the blogging world simply as... The Schmooz.

1. How did Reginald Thurgood become THE SCHMOOZ?

Well, I was in my teens, still working on the right combination of style, sensuality, and musical prowess that would win the hearts and loins of women across the world.

I knew I was missing one key ingredient to complete this sexual biscuit: to be so cool and in touch with myself that people couldn’t help but get to know and love me. I called this affability “Schmooz,” and I vowed that once I was able to harness its power, I would forever change my name as a sign of respect to this holy and love-centered force.

Now that I, and I alone, hold the power that “schmooz” brings, I felt it was only right to name myself after its ineffable, red-hot energy.

2. How did you get hooked up blogging with Tonto and Friends?

One of my lovers bought some Indian artifacts from Tonto, a dream catcher that failed to keep a few nightmares away. And as much as I am a deep and devoted lover, I am also not afraid to fight when fighting is needed.

I found out where Tonto lived, and came over to his apartment, ready to settle the score and get my lover’s $24.95 back, but I was not prepared for the depravity that I was to see: the place was filled with rotting, stinking garbage and mutilated pictures of Larry Holmes.

And Tonto was just sitting in a corner of the room, shivering and swearing in his sleep.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I Don't recall this per se... but then again, Schmooz has not been known to lie - Tonto]

I knew that the power of the Schmooz has to be put to use to help this pathetic creature. After waking him up, he told me about his plan to get his life on track. By starting a web site, he planned to earn the money and respect needed to make himself successful. I offered to contribute my services as a writer for free, as long as he promised to refund the $24.95 for a few Popsicle sticks and stickers that he called a dream catcher.

3. Has blogging improved your love life?

I wouldn’t say that it’s improved – the loving’s always been free and easy, dear readers. What has changed is the greater number of Internet sexual vixens who slide down my chimney.

They’re a tough crowd at first, filled with decades of unsatisfied relationships and itches that have never truly been scratched. You gotta treat them with tenderness, so that they go back to their web logs and put up some flattering pictures of your fleshy compass, share with their readers the panting, fulfilling sensations that they’ve had.

4. Your songs are guaranteed "panty droppers." Do you intend for them to be?

Life is about helping other people, letting them feel wanted and raw. Music is the mirror to our animal needs, the need to gnaw and suck and grind. We can pretend that the animal ain’t there, we can force the animal to the back of our minds, surround ourselves with fake needs and fake tokens of happiness.