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By Linus, The Angry Mime Hey. According to my court-appointed therapist, it’s my five-year anniversary with her this week, and I’m supposed to reflect upon the reasons why I’m glad to be alive. Pretty hard to make a list like that, you know? I guess I’m glad that I’ve outsmarted and outlived most of the people who’ve wanted me dead. After a promising start as a young mime, I got involved with a bad crowd, and I saw a lot of pretty gruesome things. Enough images to get me out of a robbery charge and into the hands of the Witness Protection Program. So, yeah, I squealed. You would too, if you knew you were only a breath away from getting your back sliced open with a switchblade, and your lungs handed to you. It’s a horrible way to go, bleeding to death while your organs shake like maracas in your hands. And the Witness Protection Program works, if you’re not a stupid, arrogant punk like I was. I broke the rules so many times, it’s a wonder that I was only jailed for larceny instead of found dead in a gutter, cut up like Swiss cheese. After I served my time, I came back to my old haunts, settled a few loose ends. Stopped talking altogether and decided to re-devote my life to the art of pantomime. But, to be safe, I still use this fake name, and I still travel around from place to place, in case there’s some bitter people with a score to settle. Look, this world’s got more crime and temptations than ever. Odds are, you’ll probably end up requiring the services of the United States Government to keep your breathing habit. But if you do, follow these tips, or there’s no guarantee you’ll come out of this experience in one piece: 1) Don’t visit your old friends, and do not let them visit you - Take Brenda Paz, a gang member, who in May 2003 was in the program, but couldn’t help inviting old gang buddies over to her safe house to swim in her hot tub. If your friends know where you’re living, your enemies will know soon enough as well. 2) Never go back home - The Witness Protection Program places you away from your home town for a reason. You go back home after becoming a stool pigeon, you deserve the unholy mess that will happen to you. Brenda Paz got homesick, and headed back to Northern Virginia to see her friends. Days later, fishermen found her battered, bloated corpse floating in a riverbank. Yeah, I know it’s easier said than done. I was guilty of going back home, too – but not to visit friends. I went back to take a few people out of the census, if you catch my drift. And none of my “field trips” lasted longer than twelve hours. 3) Don’t believe the hype - You’re not gonna end up like Sammy “The Bull” Gravano with millions of criminal's earnings to keep and loads of protection and perks. Most of these Witness Protection Programs are under-funded, and when you can smell the desperation and the lack of services, get out and get out fast. I knew I had to bail on my “protectors” when they started looking more worn out than I was. How would you survive under witness protection? Humor me with your half-assed stories and email me! LINUS - Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

By The Schmooz Hello again, temptations and forbidden fruits! It’s been a busy month for your old pal, The Schmooz. Spent most of the time up in Ulyanovsk, Russia helping out Gov. Sergei Morozov with his Day of Conception, which took place September 12th. Turns out the Russians are big fans of my music, and it was a thrill to head over there and press the flesh. It was a lot of hard work, though – I was leading seminars on the right techniques to get your lover to hunker down and groove all night long. Every evening, I threw a huge concert, using my music to get their provincial hearts pumping with lust. By the time the 12th came around, you could taste the urge to mate in the air. People were taking half of the day off of work to get to bumping one another. Hell, you know I had a piece of the loving, myself. Wouldn’t be surprised if nine months come around and there’s half a dozen little ones coming into this world with an innate musical ability, if you know what I mean. The Russians are wonderful people, but it’s pretty easy to see why Vladimir Putin and Sergei Morozov have to put up all these holidays and cash rewards to get people to make babies. It’s real hard to sustain enough mojo in such a dreary, frostbitten wasteland, you dig? Even a man of my insatiable needs spent a few nights alone just reading a book – a book, I tell you – rather than work up the urge to survive the elements just to meet up with a fine little lady. That got me to thinking. Schmooz, I asked myself, where you have felt the most alive in your lovemaking escapades? And the answer was this: the more extraordinary the locale was for me, the greater the loving became for me and my special someone. Lovemaking is sublime, but lovemaking in the right elements – that is the stuff of gods and goddesses. Allow me to share with you just a few of my favorite locations where coitus and climate converged in a wicked, sensual dance: 1) On the Corkscrew Roller Coaster, Genting Highlands Resort, Genting, Malaysia - Anywhere else, making love in under a minute and a half on a rollercoaster isn’t much to write home about. But trust me, readers. Genting, Malaysia is not an ordinary place. Consider this: it’s considered the Las Vegas of Malaysia. Anything goes – gambling, fun, you name it. Aside from the tourists and families, there are some wild, wild lovers to be found in this little neck of the woods. And, this roller coaster is perched above one of the steepest cliffs in Malaysia. You’ll be even more invigorated by the majesty of nature while you’re going to town with some sweet Asian vixen onboard the Corkscrew. 2) On the base of a active volcano, Hawai`i Volcanoes National Park - Just you, your lover, and an asbestos blanket. Pretty romantic, if you ask me. Not to mention the thrill that comes from knowing that at any moment, the fire in your loins could be accompanied by the fire from the earth. If that doesn’t make love’s magna rise out of you, nothing will. Until next time, lovers, keep your hearts, minds, and thighs open! LOVE, THE SCHMOOZ - Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.

By Stephany Ericson Last week Tonto Balboa interviewed me. During the interview, he blindsided me with question after question about things that are no ones business, least of all his (he wouldn’t even drive me home afterward. Bastard. Smelly bastard). One of his ambush-like questions had to do with what is currently most important to me. My answer had to do with a video game and my future mastery of it. This week a colleague of mine happened to read my interview and phoned me. “Why are you spending any time at all with Guitar Hero when you should be working on your next book? Stephany don’t let one bad publication dictate your career. You have more good books in you, I know it. The world needs you. Please, I beg you. WRITE!” Haven’t we all had a so called “friend” ask us at some point, “hey, how’s the job search going?” which of course sounds caring and genuine. But, in reality, actually translates to, “you are such a loser, why did I let you in my perfect life?” I am sooo done with people like that, to borrow some common vernacular. After I deleted all contact info for my now ex-colleague - who obviously did not care about me at all, created new e-mail addresses for myself, and purchased a new personal cell phone complete with new phone number, I began to ponder their question in earnest. Hopefully I can convince Tonto to change web servers so that ex-colleague will never know that I actually gave them a 2nd thought. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Not happening, Ms. Ericson - Tonto] Who are they to say that my next book might not come from the inspired visions I have whilst playing Guitar Hero? Perhaps my next great character will be a musician. Or maybe the setting for my next literary venture will be a child’s eye view of backstage bacchanalian appetites among real Guitar Hero’s. These could come to pass in time. Just you wait. Only 7 more songs to get 5 stars on. In any case, here are some reasons why Guitar Hero is a grand way to spend nearly all of your hours out of bed. 1. Guitar Hero Glows - Why? I’ll tell you. It emphasizes the tiny nexus of VICARIOUS that we all carry around in our bone sacks. Why not go out and actually learn to play the guitar for real? Well… because that would take years of study, effort, and sacrifice. Then, of course, you would need to factor in whether or not you won the TALENT lottery or not. If you didn’t, then even with all the study, effort, and sacrifice you will still sound about as appealing as diseased penguins mating in a trash bin in mid-summer: Kind of a too warm incessant rhythmic bleating with a tin echo that smells bad. Or worse, you might sound like Dave Navarro. No one wants that. Instead of risking all those years learning scales, arpeggios, hammer-ons, pull-offs, the circle of 5ths, and what kind of strings to buy - things that could employ you as a music teacher, composer, maestro, etc... play Guitar Hero. It’s NOW, not 10 years from now. No, it won’t make you any money, but it will make you happy. 2. None of that Jazz - Out of the 100 or so songs available in the 3 existing Guitar Hero games, not one is a Jazz composition. Or Fusion, thank goodness. Jazz musicians are un-predictable creative geniuses. No one needs that in music. They also have a tendency to forget to call you after a great weekend in the mountains playing… duets. Also, their solos are different every time. Never the same way twice. Sometimes I wish they would take their creativity to the field of Astro-physics so that we could understand the universe once and for all. But instead, they play 12 tone scales and chords that have too many notes. They change keys and time signatures on a whim during their songs. This throws most listeners off. We would like predictable, un-changing tunes with pentatonic scales thank you very much. And this is what we are given in Guitar Hero! I Wanna Rock! 3. Goal setting - The masterful designers of this game must have been trained in Ivy League Universities. Not only does their game ROCK with fun, it also teaches one to set goals. When I first saw the game being played by the child of a friend, I was very nearly appalled at how viciously the child replayed parts of a song over and over… then the child was finally successful with the section in question. The howls of glee could be heard all the way to China (We were in a Department store, so only a few aisles over…). Even though it was not stated, I instinctually saw that the child had set a goal to finish the section with no mistakes. Nothing could deter him from his task. Not the parental pleading, the store manager closing and locking the doors, or the security guard looming over him (the guard was very clearly in awe of the child). I bought the game that night. Since then, I have let nothing stand in the way of my goal: 5 stars on all songs. Leasing Managers can collect rent soon, friends... TRUE friends will still be there after my task is complete, and bill collectors can shove it. I have plenty of Ensure shakes in the portable cooler next to the TV, and I’ve just purchased a fresh pack of Depends. Now kindly SCRAM!!!!!!!!! I’m busy attaining my goal. - Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children’s books such as “This Belongs to You”, “Gordita Runs the Marathon”, and “Artist Schmartist GO GET A JOB!”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack, she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

By Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com

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When I want to pass time, I think of Debbie Harry circa 1977 and squeeze one off.



Or, I think of creative ways to quit jobs/get fired. For example: let’s say you work as a costumed character at a well-known amusement park. Sure, you can show up drunk and perform just fine. But what about sneaking a water bottle in your costume and when the kids show up to hug you… go ahead and “piss” on them.

Now that’s passing time.

If I’m in public and want to kill some time, maybe I’ll think of the best way to cheap shot everyone in sight. No offense to Debbie or peeing on tourist children.

The last thing I think about is baseball.

“But it’s the American pastime, Vans.”

I’m American. Baseball sucks. Something must not be right, right? Wrong.

Off the top of my head, I can think of nine reasons why baseball is the worst “sport” ever.

9. The announcers – A home run isn’t the second coming of Christ, so stop treating it like that. It’s a ball that was steroid-fueled to fly 400 ft. Yawn. It happens hundreds of times in a given season, so stop acting like it’s the first time you saw a set of titties.

Oh yeah, just because an announcer is old doesn’t mean that he should be commentating. You want to know how to commentate baseball on TV? You say, “Did you see that?”

Old equals nostalgic, but it also equals as boring as a being dropped off by your mommy at a Blink-182 concert.

8. Sticks and Balls = lame – Baseball is a game, not a sport. Why? Because you use a stick and a ball. Now let’s see, what other “sports” use a stick and a ball?

There’s Golf… oooh, real athletic fare.



What else? Polo?



Another activity that makes me wish for a global 17.0 earthquake.

7. It’s not a team sport – Baseball has pulled off a master con on the world by getting people to think it’s a team sport. It’s not. Baseball boils down to pitcher vs. batter. That’s it. The other guys are there to pick up the garbage.

Baseball fans are nuts about individual stats. Why do you think that is?

6. The DH: A professional fat guy – Hey, are you a tub of lard with a dream of being a professional athlete. Fear no more. You too can still be a professional athlete! The Designated Hitter role is tailor-made for you and other high level pros who don’t like to run.



Just swing a bat, jog to first, get replaced by a real athlete who likes to run, and collect your millions. Don’t worry about things like diet and training. Those are for suckers. You’re a DH. You’re a professional batting cage attendee.

5. Worst interviews ever – On the whole, sports interviews suck worse than an MTV awards show, but baseball players bring a whole new level of annoyance to interviews. Why even bother talking to these morons? They have no personality.

“We played hard. Just taking each game as they come. We just have to keep working and playing hard. We have to stay focused. It’s a long season. Anything can happen. We’re making the right adjustments. Our team is really starting to come together. We’re going to make a run for the playoffs.”

Hey look, I just covered every baseball interview for the past 50 years.

4. The managers wear a uniform – Could you imagine a football coach wearing tights like his players? Or a basketball coach wearing baggy shorts, a headband, and a loaded .45 in his waistband? So why do baseball managers do it?

And why the hell are they called “skipper?” They’re not sailing the seven seas, they’re sitting on their ass for three hours spitting out seeds until they get a chance to yell when the ump makes a bad call.

3. Relief pitchers – This job is even easier than the DH. You crack jokes in the bullpen for 7 innings, warm up for one, and then come in when your team is already winning and the other guys are tired. The relief pitcher is like a professional bully.

Look at them when they stroll their lazy ass out to the mound; you’d think they were getting ready for 15 rounds in Madison Square Garden vs. Ali.

Basically, if you’re a relief pitcher that means that you’re not good enough to be a real pitcher, but your jokes are funny, so they keep you around on the team bus.

2. Baseball players are pussies – I’m talking major league pussies here.

Exhibit A: Sammy Sosa, muscular Home-Run hitter, misses games because he hurt his back sneezing.

Exhibit B: Wade Boggs, Hall-of-Famer, misses games because he strained his back while putting cowboy boots on.

Exhibit C: Kevin Mitchell was late reporting to spring training because he hurt himself eating a microwavable doughnut. I’m not making this up.

Exhibit D: MVP Jeff Kent broke his wrist… while washing a car at a self-serve car wash. Seriously. Are you fucking serious?

Exhibit E: Marty Cordova burned his face in a tanning bed and had to miss a game. Big. Gaping. Vagina.

Exhibit F: Glenallen Hill fell out of his bed, crashing into a glass table, while having a nightmare about spiders.

I rest my case.

1. I’m good at it – I’m no super athlete, but I can play baseball with the best of them. There was a time where I hadn’t touched a glove or bat for three years, and I was asked to fill in on a baseball team… and I was the best guy on the team. It’s not hard.

It’s America’s pastime because it’s easy. You have to run for less than a minute. You get to hit something. You have a big ass glove with webbing to catch something. You know the secret to catching a ball? You stand in front of it and stick your hand up. Bingo.

- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

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By Linus, The Angry Mime Hey. So, Marcel Marceau died last weekend. Mimes tend to get a sixth sense when one of us is about to die. Call it intuition or whatnot. I was knocking the stuffing out of some drunk in a bar for calling me a clown. Clowns are to mime what dentists are to doctors. Less aptitude and less schooling – clowns aren’t even in the same universe as mimes. So, yeah, I was really going to down with this guy, smashing his face against the bar, filling his mouth fulla splinters and shit. Leaving some teeth stuck in the wood. I looked down at the puddle of blood he had made, and I shivered. I knew someone big was about to leave this world. So, as typical, the media’s all over themselves to make the public remember how frigging great pantomime is, how kind and gentle and brave and smart Marceau was. Look, Marceau had great physicality, and he could shill like a used car salesmen. Big respect for that. But he was a dick. Plain and simple. Here’s why: 1) He never did street mime. He did mime work for theatre, tv, movies. In that environment, people will eat your shit with a spoon, and never tell you if they disagree with the choices you’ve made. On the street, you’ve got to contend with homeless guys throwing used condoms and hypodermic needles at you if they think your representation of the President is a little too critical. He worked in a bubble, and never had to get his hands dirty with the common people like I do. 2) He ruined public opinion of mime work with his goddamn Bip character. Contrary to what Marceau did, there’s more to mime work than walking around like a lobotomy patient and finding “joy” and “childlike innocence” in the most banal things. Mime work can also be about making the darkness of the human condition even more devastating and raw. True story: When I won the Deburau Prize, I got the chance to perform my winning piece in front of Marceau and his little vanity mime company. Not two minutes into my performance, titled “The Abortion”, that little bitch walked out of the theatre. Afterwards, he told me I lacked the subtle grace and appreciation of life that a true mime artist should possess. I was young then, and I really looked up to guys like Marceau. He shook me pretty bad that day. Not even keying his car took away the hurt and desolation. I guess what I’m trying to say is this: yeah, Marceau’s worm food. But he had a great life. If you really want to show you care about art and artists, take a bus downtown and support some of the mimes working in the streets, doing all they can to reach out to people who don’t even stop to notice the culture that’s all around them. LINUS - Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

Vans McCoy has been around. He remembers back when it was "real." What's "it?" And why is it real now? Who knows. But, if you ask him, he'll tell you why he's the foremost expert on anything that he can have an opinion on. 1) C'mon - that's a fake name, right? Well, if someone yells, “Hey, Vans,” I’m going to turn around because they’re probably talking to me, right? Right. That’s pretty real where I come from. 2) Looking back on the bands you were in, which one had the greatest chance of becoming a success? They were all a success in their own way. They kept me from having a “real job” for decades, so I’d call that a success. We were put on compilation records/cds. We played the student unions of the best Division III schools in the nation. So what, you have to sell millions to be “successful” right? 3) Suppose someone came to your video store and wanted to watch a Sandra Bullock romantic comedy. How would you diffuse the situation and set them right? Trick question! We don’t carry Sandra Bullock in my store. You want Italian Zombie Santo films or Lorenzo Lamas movies you’ve come to the right store. To answer your question, if a girl wanted to rent a Bullock movie, I’d laugh and politely tell her that this store isn’t for her and that she should check out a Russ Meyer film or leave. If a guy wanted to rent one, it’d be like this scene… 4) What crimes or acts of civil disobedience have sent you to jail? Mainly fights. I’ve gotten more tickets than anything. Pissing in public, drunk in public, public nuisance, and so on. Civil disobedience is for hippies. I can’t stand them. I yelled “Fire” in a crowded theater once. That was fun. It didn’t cause the fury that people think it might’ve. No one ran. No one gave a crap except the security guard who called the cops. I took a shit in my pants to diffuse the situation. The cops let me go. 5) Is Netflix a major threat for your store? Thankfully, behind the black curtain in the northeast corner of the store, a cornucopia of hardcore pornography lay, so my store aint going nowhere for a long time. 6) Tonto says he gave you this job because he owed you late fees. What types of movies does he rent? He rents a lot of old boxing matches on VHS. He rents old silent comedies. Sometimes, he checks out old Super Nintendo games. He never returns the boxing matches on time. He kept Ali-Foreman for six months. Idiot. 7) You wrote an in-depth post on subjects you hate talking about. What are three subjects you do enjoy discussing with people? - Whether or not Billy the Kid was shot by Pat Garrett, or escaped to Mexico. I say Pat let him go. You don’t shoot your bandmate in the back. Brotherhood is bigger than the law. - How much of a shitty filmmaker Quentin Tarantino is. He’s like the Xerox of the film world. He’s good at making copies of other director’s work. But, ask him to make something original and you get dog crap. - I’m a big fan of Controlled Demolition… not in like conspiracy theory crap. I’m talking about the late 70’s band from New York. I saw them play at a show in the basement of a Laundromat. Probably the best show ever. Me and 45 people saw it. Most of the other concertgoers are dead, homeless, or in jail, so when I can talk to someone about that show, it’s on! 8) Do you think it's fair that you are paid more than your fellow writers? I don’t care. It’s fair to me. Tonto’s deal with them is none of my business. 9) If you could make the world's most amazing band, who would be in it, and what type of music would they play? Well, we’re a punk bank. Period. And none of this modern, radio friendly garbage. Our shows would be dangerous. Like, you may get a head wound dangerous. You may get stabbed dangerous. There would be none of this, “we’re evolving our sound with each record” bullshit. That’s an excuse for sucking. Tickets would be cheap and kids would get beat up for wearing our shirts. I’m the vocalist. 10) Do you have any regrets in life? Hell No! Regrets are for Sinatra songs and people with desk jobs. - Tonto and Friends is a collective of some of the top comedy writers and life bloggers on the planet. They come from all parts of the globe and various life experiences. Together, they bring a daily source of humor and useful life information.

He's tough to track down, but when we do, it's always something special. He's Slocomb Jones, the premier bum in the United States. We're lucky to have him here at Tonto and Friends, and we know our readers have grown to love Slocomb. In this exclusive, we got Slocomb, who's always on the move, to sit down and answer some questions. We had to give him some change... but hey, that's why he's a pro. 1) What is your earliest childhood memory? One time, when I was a baby, I remember my daddy taking me to a saloon. I couldn’t been more than two. My dad was a poker man and hustler. He was playing a back-room mark for a case of gin. My dad was so sure of his three jacks that he raised… well, he raised me. The back-room mark had a full house. That was the last time I saw my dad. It’s ok. 2) What do you think is the strongest skill one needs to have in order to become a professional bum? Perseverance, first and foremost. You have to have the ability to not give up giving up when the times get hard. In this line of work, times are hard a lot of times. It really separates the bums from the wannabes. You have to want it more than anything, and I didn’t want anything else. One time, late in my career, a group of college kids tried to help me, telling me that it wasn’t my fault where I was. “I’ve seen the world, dined with King’s, and slept under the stars. So go back to your safe classroom, will ya… If you want to do something nice for me, leave the lasagna. Think you could spare some of those little round shiny things with Presidential portraits on them?” I said. 3) How did you end up writing for Tonto? One time, I was at the ’84 professional bum convention in Reno. I was staying on the fifth floor of the Radisson parking structure. Real nice place, if you ever get the chance. Anyway, me and a couple of other distinguished bums were discussing the finer points of pugilism (you’d be surprised how many former pro boxers now make their living among the homeless. Some have an unfair slurred speech advantage), and Tonto’s name came up. They called him a bum, so I set my sights on meeting this so-called “bum.” It took six weeks to track him down in San Diego. When I found him, he was living in a hostel. From where I come from, that’s no bum. I told him that I didn’t appreciate people calling him a bum. That seemed to flatter him for some reason… I was a bit insulted. Anyway, he wouldn’t let me leave. The only way I could move on was to tell him I’d write for him. So, every few weeks, I sneak into a cyber café and send him a post before I get kicked out. 4) Who's the most famous person you've met during your career? Leif Garrett. He’s depressing though. He asked me for some cash. What am I, a walking ATM? 5) If you weren't a professional bum, would other career would you have chosen? I can’t imagine being anything else… I did try politics once, but that didn’t pan out. 6) If someone made a movie of your life, who would play you? Great question. I think Randy Quaid would be good. He’s funny. 7) What's the craziest thing you've ever done as a professional bum? One time, I snuck onto an airplane. This was in the early nineties when you could do that sort of thing. I got on a plane to Egypt, and took a cab to The Sphinx. It was weird, I passed by a castle and New York on the way... I guess things are different in Egypt. I went around to the back and sat next to the thing. I took a nap for about 45 minutes until a security guard threw me out. Definitely, a watershed moment. On the flight back, I joined the “mile-high” club. I asked a guy flying coach if he could spare a buck so I could buy a Miller. Of course, I kept the dollar and joined the very elite group of professionals who’s successfully bummed some money at 35,000 feet. 8) Have you ever been in love? The work has always come first for me. Maybe someday I’ll meet the woman that makes me want to settle down. Now that I’m retired, I think there’s a better chance of meeting the woman of my dreams. It’s been tough to find the right woman. She has to share my dreams and work ethic. Without bragging, that’s a rare woman. 9) How did the Reagan Administration's decision to shut down scores of county psychiatric hospitals affect your career in the 80's? Well, it certainly flooded the marketplace and the market still really hasn’t recovered. A lot of these guy didn’t have the tools to be on the streets and created an environment that was not conducive to professional homelessness. There’s a limited amount of natural resources available in this industry, and Reagan only made it worse. Reagan was never a big supporter of the working man. 10) What's your motto on life? Motto’s are for people who don’t like to work, so I have plenty. My main one is that the cup isn’t half empty… it isn’t half full either. It has a hole in the bottom of it. - Tonto and Friends is a collective of some of the top comedy writers and life bloggers on the planet. They come from all parts of the globe and various life experiences. Together, they bring a daily source of humor and useful life information.

Stephany Ericson is an enigma. One part heart-warming. One part unintentionally hilarious. Several parts pretty nuts. All those combined make up perhaps our most intriging and challenging writer at Tonto and Friends. Or, she might very well just be the most insane writer on the staff... which is a huge, um, accomplishment? 1. What is the most satisfying thing about writing for you? Well good question, Mr. Balboa. I suppose it could be the way I can stay in touch with the deepest, most private parts of me and my life. I can use the experiences in my life as personal catharsis and entertain others at the same time. Plus, who are we kidding? The pay is great! 2. You seem to have some relationship problems in the past. Do you ever see this changing? What school of Psychiatry did you attend? Oh, that’s right you are a boxer, or ex-boxer, not a Dr. What do you know about how to spot relationship problems? I have not had relationship problems. The people I was with happened to be users and losers of average body type. THAT is a problem, I agree, but each “relationship” was a pure example of human interaction potential. Unfortunately, the potential was not fully realized, of course. And I do hope that changes in the future. The near future even. What are you doing later? I heard long ago that “potential” is a French word that means: you aren’t worth a damn. I am not a Francophile so I do not know if this is true, nor do I wish to slouch toward google and look it up. Know why? It’s time for more of my medication. 3. How did you get into blogging with Tonto? My literary agent, Vladislaw Czolnitkowitz, or I should say my ex-agent, was for a time employed (very busily) as Tonto’s cut man. So, when some of my books took it on the chin so to speak, he suggested that I try writing for the internet where the quality standards were less rigid than they have become in the world of children’s books. At least that is what I think he said. I don’t speak Polish. Nor do I use nail Polish. My medicine is beginning to work! Know why? Because I don’t care that I used a pun, and… I’m suddenly attracted to athletes, even ex-athletes, wink wink. 4. Does your family support your writing? Why do you need to bring my family into this? Let me borrow a statement from your white faced friend Linus, is it? Why would they NOT support me? It is true that in my recent evolution from naïve waif to worldy and scorned woman, my relationship with my family has been somewhat strained. But at the bottom of me, the very cellar of my being, or actually underneath the cellar-the basement of my cellar of me, if you will….is the foundational love of my family. They are somewhat saddened that I have not chosen to go into the family business full-time, but they are happy that I have not divulged any useful information to the FBI. For this loyalty, and I think for the legitimacy my publications bring to the family name, they have ceased their attempts on my life. So, yes there is family support. From afar. 5. What inspires you on a daily basis to write? Oh my goodness! Daily? Who writes every freaking day? Forgive my language. If I wanted to have an everyday writing job I’d be at an ad agency writing copy to make all the REAL money for some 28 year old Vice President who can’t even really “perform” if you know what I mean AND was promoted 15 years too early. Not that I know anything about any potential scenario like that. Got Milk? But…in answer to the kernel of curiosity in your querry, oh how I love alliteration and Vicodin, I would say that lately I am inspired by people. Specifically, the people who have recently left my life, but are still in my head and refuse to leave. Tears have not made them go away, nor have pleading for more chances, or begging, or giving it away for free. I do feel that I can push them out of my head with words however. And since I will go absolutely bat-shit crazy(my therapist used this term to describe me to a colleague… I read his notes) unless I rid these people from my mind. I have lately been telling nothing but the truth in my writing. I feel better after telling the truth. This inspires me. 6. Is there a dream story or blog that you've been unable to write? Are you implying that my writing is sub-standard? One day I hope to write about the experience of running a sub-4 minute mile. This may need to occur in another life, as I am currently working on the sub-10 minute mile. But I assure you I am in “good shape” Tonto. Think about that for a few… 7. What matters most to you and why? That I finish all the songs in Guitar Hero II with 5 stars. Because I always thought of myself as a poor woman’s Lita Ford. And if I get 5 stars, that will mean I’m worth 5 stars, and if I’m worth 5 stars maybe, just maybe I’ll get the love I deserve. Did I say that out loud? 8. Where’s your favorite place that you've traveled to? That would have to be when I let my mind swim through time at Mr. E’s bookstore. I know it wasn’t really a “place” per se, but it was the most interesting “travel” I’ve ever had. Even better than any of the road trips my parents on. Do you want to take me somewhere, Tonto? 9. Describe your dream date. Oh my god… are you hitting on me, Tonto? It’s about time. Why are you sitting way over there? I don’t bite. Unless you ask me to. 10. If you could give any advice to a young writer/blogger what would it be? Don’t sleep with someone until you are absolutely positively sure that they are in love with you. I’m talking… they would allow you to do open heart surgery on them in love. Oh, do you mean about writing? Just write. Write about buttons, write about lawn mowers, write about lovers who could be called Janus. Get to the bottom of you, and when you get there get a shovel, dig up the stuff of you. Smell it, taste it, swallow it, vomit it. Then put it on paper. Or MSWord. Oh, and “I” before “me” except after tea! Or when someone sounds “hey, neighbor, wanna play?” Oh I love that one! You may kiss me now Tonto. Please? I am NOT drunk. I am “medicated.” Fine. This interview is OVER. LOSER - Tonto and Friends is a collective of some of the top comedy writers and life bloggers on the planet. They come from all parts of the globe and various life experiences. Together, they bring a daily source of humor and useful life information.

From the orphanage to a life of crime and art. Linus, the angry mime has lived a life that few could ever imagine. Please enjoy the following entry in our "get to know the writing staff" series here at Tonto and Friends, as we get to know to Linus a little better. If you don't like it, he'll probably hurt you with the intent of stealing something of value from you. 1. Why Mime? Really. Are you kidding me? Are you seriously kidding me? Why not mime? Why not one of the oldest arts in the world, one that engages audiences of all ages? Every civilized culture in the world has had pantomime. Anybody who doesn’t appreciate mime should be ripped open by wild seagulls and then have to crawl through broken glass for a mile. I’m serious. I’ve trained the seagulls to tear flesh and everything. 2. Have you always been a performer? Sure. I grew up performing for the other kids at the St.Thomas orphanage, where I grew up. I’d make up light-hearted performances for them, pretending to be crippled so the bullies wouldn’t fight me, and then knocking them out when their backs were turned with a sock filled with washers. Man, I miss that sock. It helped me through a lot of beatings. 3. How did you get into blogging? Is that what the Internet morons call this writing thing? Man, these questions suck goat turd. Tonto had a court date. I was at the courthouse myself, helping out a friend of mine by making sure a certain uninvited guest didn’t show up in court that day. My work done, I was running down the stairwell when I see Tonto sitting on the steps, smoking. I lost a pretty sizable chunk of change on his fight to Larry Holmes, so I was ready to pick him up, toss him over the side, and race him down to the bottom. But, as I started fighting him, I could tell his glory days were over. He could barely even swat a fly, let alone a mime of supernatural strength. He begged me to let him live, and promised he’d make up the money I’d lost to him by letting me write on his new humor website. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Linus is fond of hyperbole. That's why I hired him. There's not a fly, nor mime, living that I couldn't lick. - Tonto] Looking back on it now, I don’t know if letting him live was the right decision. As far as money goes, Tonto keeps talking all this bullshit about ad sales making the site money, blah blah blah I so don’t freaking care blah blah. So, I haven’t seen a dime. Look, lonely Internet nerds, click the damn ads! Do it before I paint your living room with your pet’s brains. Oh, and if any sexy women readers are reading this site, send me your goddamn naked pictures already! 4. What's the best/worst part about being a mime? The best part about being a mime is the power you hold over other people. You can create entire worlds out of thin air. Plus, the makeup just freaks the shit out of people, and they can’t help but stop and pay attention to you. The part that sucks is that you make less money than an Albanian insect farmer, so you need to turn to other work to get some cash. 5. What were the circumstances of your first crime? It was stupid crap, really. All I was doing was taking advantage of the great American tradition of free enterprise. I got a hot tip that a village in Calcutta had donated their organs to the US, but that the US was about to ship them back. Something about not being able to use leper parts or some bureaucratic nonsense. So, I decided if the government was too squeamish about peddling defective kidneys and hearts, I should be able to take them for myself and sell them to the highest bidder. Breaking into the docks and pinching the goods was easy. Keeping them fresh and frozen until finding a fence who could sell them was the hard part. In the end, the state only caught me because they caught me on surveillance, so there ya go. 6. Do you have a problem? The only problem I have is with the Girl Scouts. And Octoberfest. And motel managers who charge by the hour. And not having any alcohol. 7. How do you feel about the bloggers on the Tonto and Friends staff? Who gives a whoop about my “feelings?” You’re not my frigging therapist. I don’t sit on your butt-ugly couch and write about my “emotional hurts” with you. Tonto = chump. Vans = such a tool that he should have Black and Decker tattooed on his ass. Bustamante = stingy bitch who never shares when he’s holding. Stephany = dirty, dirty, black-sheet wearing whack job whore. The Schmooz = big ass liar, but his music ain’t bad. Slocomb Jones = pretty cool guy, actually. He’s lived more in his life than any of these other bitches put together. 8. Do you have friends? Friends are for those who lack the strength to go it alone. 9. Marcel Marceau... hack or genius? Marceau’s way too overexposed and commercial. People saying they like mime because they like Marceau is like saying you like wine because you drink Ripple. 10. Do women respect you? They damn well better, because I pay full price and don’t waste their time with chit-chat. - Tonto and Friends is a collective of some of the top comedy writers and life bloggers on the planet. They come from all parts of the globe and various life experiences. Together, they bring a daily source of humor and useful life information.

The following is the third part in our "get to know" the writing staff here at Tonto and Friends. Today, we're going to take a few minutes and enter the world of Bustamante - a man who's done it all... and remembers most of it. 1) Do you think the hippie generation managed to change the world? Nope. But I got laid a lot. A. LOT. As in like daily. I was loaded nonstop from 1968 – 1991 and still managed to end up with a retirement plan and an insurance policy. Played some hackeysack, read way more books by authors you’ve never heard of (no King or Grisham in my library). So, no, we didn't change crap. 2) What drug has given you the most pleasurable experiences? LSD. For sure. Example: LSD makes The Rolling Stones sound like a good group. I’ve been to Mars. Life isn’t there… anymore! Check it, Mars is the yellow light for us in terms of the solar system. If we don’t slow down, we’re gonna end up a barren, dusty, red planet. I spent six months on Mars one night. We descended from Mars in ape form. Earth is our last chance. There is no Venus, and the moon is a shithole. How do I know this? Multiple tabs of LSD placed under my tongue. 3) Describe your time teaching junior high math. I wanted to change the world, and I thought the best way was teaching kids the Pythagorean Theorem. I’d figured out how it applied to Reagan-omics and also taught my students how the equilateral triangle was relevant to the conflict in Granada and El Salvador. I explained the process of adding negative numbers by saying how Nixon and Ford led to Jimmy Carter. The kids liked it. The parents weren’t thrilled. 4) What's it like working at a Newport Beach yacht/country club? Sun. Sand. Titties. Tennis. It’s great. I work from 10am to 3:30pm (with an hour lunch). I teach housewives how to return a backhand in the morning, and the milfs bring the youngsters at 1pm after daycare and Valium. The women like me because I have facial hair. Women don’t want facial hair on their businessmen and lawyers husbands, because it sets a bad example for the kids… but they love it on the guy they have sex with. Trust me. I get invited to swanky parties where I score tons of free food. The men treat me like a novelty… just as I treat their wives from 1:30pm – 3:30pm Monday through Friday. 5) Suppose somebody offered you a million dollars, plus a chance to represent the US at the Olympics for hackysack. However, in order to take this offer, you must cut your hair. Would you do it? Well, first off, I’d rather represent mankind instead of the U.S. Nothing personal against the U.S. Well, it depends what kind of time slot hackeysack had on the broadcast. If we were getting the 3am spot, the I’d say no go. If it was primetime, right before the men’s gold medal game in basketball, I’d do it for sure. That’s the key slot for advertisers and corporate sponsors. They could make me the Tiger Woods of Hackysack, except I’m not Black/Asian and I don’t wear yuppie clothes…wait, did you say a million dollars?! Fuck yeah, I’d cut my hair. 6) You mentioned in a previous post your deep love for jazz. What jazz artists are you listening to now, and would you ever consider listening to some of the music your fellow writer "The Schmooz" makes? Jazz is becoming too mainstream. Right now, I’m really digging the funkulation movement. I saw a two-person band play in a Laguna Beach coffee shop and it blew my mind. The guitar player only played on two of the strings and only used the range of three frets per song. Very rule-oriented music, but very freeing too. The percussionist/vocalist tapped the beat with her fingertips on top of a flat piece of cut wood. Each song would have a different piece of wood. In between songs, she talked about her dream to make Home Depot a music store. The lyrics were a mixture of pig Latin, gibberish, and English with all sorts of accents mixed together. Very political. They talked about adding a horn player, but I think it would dilute the sound. Shoot …I’ve already told you too much, and will probably have to move on to something less known and way more cool. Listen to The Schmooz? I believe the kids say “LOL” these days. 7) Okay - who's better: The Grateful Dead or Steely Dan? Credence. 8) What fascinates you so much about American history? It’s funny. The rich, man. They sure know how to mess things up better than the average guy, don’t they? Look, at any point in American history where you stop and go, “Wow, that’s fucked up.” Who’s responsible for it? A rich guy. And yet, who do we always trust to put in charge? You guessed it. 9) How do you and Tonto know each other? Tonto was working as a caterer as the yacht club. He was taking “an extended break” outside in the back smoking a cigarette. He called it, “collecting a paycheck.” I bummed a smoke and we struck up a conversation and blogging came up. 10) If you could have lunch with Timothy Leary (and he was still alive) what would the two of you talk about? I’m sure we’d have an appetizer. I’d want cheese sticks. He’d probably want the spinach dip. I never liked that stuff. Too fluffy for me. I would order the house merlot and a bottled water with a side of lemon. I’m sure we’d talk about Dinosaurs, time travel, German poetry (though both having read none). We’d probably spend most of the day talking about how the Lakers look this season. I’d say they still have some work, but Leary would say if they channeled their zen and opened their eyes that they could make a run. He was always a dreamer. - Tonto and Friends is a collective of some of the top comedy writers and life bloggers on the planet. They come from all parts of the globe and various life experiences. Together, they bring a daily source of humor and useful life information.

The following is the second in a series of in-depth questionnaires with the blogging staff of Tonto and Friends. Today, we take a look at the world of Reginald Thurgood, known throughout the blogging world simply as... The Schmooz. 1. How did Reginald Thurgood become THE SCHMOOZ? Well, I was in my teens, still working on the right combination of style, sensuality, and musical prowess that would win the hearts and loins of women across the world. I knew I was missing one key ingredient to complete this sexual biscuit: to be so cool and in touch with myself that people couldn’t help but get to know and love me. I called this affability “Schmooz,” and I vowed that once I was able to harness its power, I would forever change my name as a sign of respect to this holy and love-centered force. Now that I, and I alone, hold the power that “schmooz” brings, I felt it was only right to name myself after its ineffable, red-hot energy. 2. How did you get hooked up blogging with Tonto and Friends? One of my lovers bought some Indian artifacts from Tonto, a dream catcher that failed to keep a few nightmares away. And as much as I am a deep and devoted lover, I am also not afraid to fight when fighting is needed. I found out where Tonto lived, and came over to his apartment, ready to settle the score and get my lover’s $24.95 back, but I was not prepared for the depravity that I was to see: the place was filled with rotting, stinking garbage and mutilated pictures of Larry Holmes. And Tonto was just sitting in a corner of the room, shivering and swearing in his sleep. [EDITOR'S NOTE: I Don't recall this per se... but then again, Schmooz has not been known to lie - Tonto] I knew that the power of the Schmooz has to be put to use to help this pathetic creature. After waking him up, he told me about his plan to get his life on track. By starting a web site, he planned to earn the money and respect needed to make himself successful. I offered to contribute my services as a writer for free, as long as he promised to refund the $24.95 for a few Popsicle sticks and stickers that he called a dream catcher. 3. Has blogging improved your love life? I wouldn’t say that it’s improved – the loving’s always been free and easy, dear readers. What has changed is the greater number of Internet sexual vixens who slide down my chimney. They’re a tough crowd at first, filled with decades of unsatisfied relationships and itches that have never truly been scratched. You gotta treat them with tenderness, so that they go back to their web logs and put up some flattering pictures of your fleshy compass, share with their readers the panting, fulfilling sensations that they’ve had. 4. Your songs are guaranteed "panty droppers." Do you intend for them to be? Life is about helping other people, letting them feel wanted and raw. Music is the mirror to our animal needs, the need to gnaw and suck and grind. We can pretend that the animal ain’t there, we can force the animal to the back of our minds, surround ourselves with fake needs and fake tokens of happiness. Music, however, sees past all that bullshit, readers. Music will make a sexual anorexic eat at the table of lust until their mouths are sore and blissful. 5. Tell us about your first love. I’ve mentioned Cera, my first love, in one steamy little post – I recommend each of you take the time to read it, with the lights down low. I’ll add to my thoughts on my first love by saying that the experience can scare the hell out of you, because you’re using love muscles you didn’t even know you had. Emotions that you thought were the stuff of fantasy. A good artist always remembers those first new-found feelings, and keeps them close to their heart when they make their mark. 6. You came under some criticism for your blog on your guilty musical pleasures. How do you handle the criticism? Part of being The Schmooz is knowing that living a life of honesty and sexual expression is gonna scare and anger those who are trapped in a miserable life of their own making. I didn’t even know there was a bunch of hurt feelings about the post; I spent that weekend ordering room service in Milan in a king sized bed with four sisters from Venezuela, enjoying the music that we made. 7. Is chivalry dead? Not even close, readers. Chivalry is all about the little things: letting her sit on top once in a while as the locomotion of love leaves the station, for example. 8. What's THE SCHMOOZ'S fantasy? My fantasies change from time to time, once I live them out. My newest one has me playing beach volleyball with eleven naked Asian women, their bodies shining brilliantly in the sunset. If any of you fine ladies wanna make that happen, drop me a line! 9. Have you ever been rejected by a woman? Sure. But why dwell? When it happens, I make a hit song out of it. The longest I’ve ever been without a woman after a break up has been about four hours, so I don’t carry the rejection with me. Just long enough to make some music. 10. How many women have you been with over the years? Keeping scorecards and numbers is for those who think that the loving is gonna run out. I’ve never kept track. Each day is a new chance for some fine goddess to show me the secret folds of her flesh. I’d much rather spend time doing that than racking my brains about how many women I’ve met lip-locked and loving. Got more questions for The Schmooz? Ask them by clicking here. Be sure to come back tomorrow when we get up, close, and personal with everyone's favorite hippie turned tennis instructor, Bustamante. - Tonto and Friends is a collective of some of the top comedy writers and life bloggers on the planet. They come from all parts of the globe and various life experiences. Together, they bring a daily source of humor and useful life information.

By Tonto and Friends Staff

1) What do you think is the most Indian thing you do?

Hmm, Good question. I’ll assume you mean Native American, instead of the people that idiot Columbus thought he found… to answer your question, I sell things. Indian things. I fight. Well, I used to fight. I challenged Larry Holmes for the heavyweight title in the early 80’s. I didn’t win.

I tend to sit back and remember the good ‘ol days, back before everything was messed up… when I was a young man with no worries; when I didn’t know the meaning of regret or guilt. When I was fast enough to throw a four-punch combo to the body without worrying about getting clipped in the face. Not anymore. I’m all out of tears.

I don’t drink though.

2) Have you ever considered training a new wave of fighters to become champions?

I’ve thought about it. You saw Rocky V, right? That’s what happens. Ironically, the worst of the Rocky movies is the most true. You train someone, and they leave right after telling you, “How can you make me a champ, if you got killed by Larry Holmes?”

They make a good point.

3) If a dealer's showing a ten card and you're dealt a fifteen, do you hit or stay?
I say take the hit. What’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like throwing a lazy jab in the 8th round, and having a right hand come over the top that cracks your jaw.

It’s not like getting knocked out on your feet on primetime television, stumbling like you have MS and then falling face first into the canvas, breaking your already broken nose in the process. It’s not like being unable to get another fight that pays more than $2,000, so you have to become a parody of yourself selling Indian Shit…not before failing at a private detective career. It’s not like having to subsidize your slumping sales career with a blog website where the only writers you can get to contribute are a bunch of burnouts, bums, and ex-cons.

So, I say hit that 15. The odds aren’t on your side… just like in life.

4) Fill in the blank: Life is not worth living without ________

Money. You need money to get food. Without food, you can’t live. I used to think it was respect and dignity, but I’m still here. I guess those aren’t as important as I thought. I left them on the doorstep of some suburban home 15 years ago when I asked a housewife if she would be interested in buying my artifacts.

She said no, and I was freed from the burden of having to drag along my self-respect.

5) What sort of women are you attracted to?

Typically, ones that like me first. I used to get the ring rats, the chicks that would have around the gyms and the fights, all the time. My biggest score was a date I had planned with an up and coming movie star at my post-Holmes fight party. She got tired of waiting at the hospital and ended up at Studio 54, where she OD’d on coke.

She survived, our date didn’t.

Thanks again, Larry.

6) Describe your writing process.

Ummm, is this a trick question? Finger goes to keyboard. Letters appear magically on the screen. I string a few letters together to make these things called “words.” Words are what people use to communicate the thoughts in their heads to another human. It’s like mind reading…with a cheat sheet. Next, I put the words together in a (hopefully) logical manner, creating “sentences.” A collection of sentences equals a story/article.

That’s the process. I write about pain, because I know about it.

7) Why should people buy your Indian Shit?

I’m not even convinced they should, I just want them to. Look, I sell garbage. I’m hoping to cash in on my notoriety, not the level of quality of the goods I sell. It’s kinda funny; I just called them “goods.”

I find humor blogging to be a much better source of income.

8) If you could say one thing to Larry Holmes, what would you tell him?

Larry Holmes knocked out a lot of people, so I hope he’d remember me. First, I’d try to make a joke, you know, break the ice. He has a good sense of humor.

I’d probably challenge him to rematch… if he said no, I’d make some self-deprecating crack about not wanting to waste time either. If he said yes, I would start taking steroids. So, I fail the piss-test. Who cares? If I knock him out and hurt him in the process… ruin his life, make him a joke of the boxing world… it’d be worth being labeled a cheater for the rest of my life.

I’ve been labeled worse.

9) Do you really consider all the other writers on this site to be your "friends," Tonto? Or do you pick favorites?
I think so. Probably. Maybe… I’m not sure. Who knows? I can relate to Slocomb Jones on a superficial level. I sometimes think The Schmooz is full of crap, but he’s entertaining. Linus is OK. I don’t trust him, but that’s no big deal. I’ve only dealt with Stephany via email… so, there’s that. Bustamante is OK. I don’t understand him most of the time, but he’s punctual.

I don’t think I pick favorites.

10) Would you ever fight Chuck Norris? And if so, who would win?

I would fight that skinny chop-socky kicker in a heartbeat. All these people make these dumb rules about Chuck Norris about how tough he is… all I’m saying is that he did an infomercial with Christy Brinkley for his own piece of garbage.

That doesn’t strike fear into my heart. My facial hair is better. My punches are better.

The crap I sell is better.



Do I envy him? Of course I do.
Am I jealous of him? You bet your ass I am.
Am I afraid of him? I’ve had Hep B. I fear nothing.

- Tonto and Friends is a collective of some of the top comedy writers and life bloggers on the planet. They come from all parts of the globe and various life experiences. Together, they bring a daily source of humor and useful life information.

By Stephany Ericson Like most of you, I have used the internet as a tool for information gathering. Whether it is in seeking biographical data on authors I hope to emulate, learning the difference between Love and Lust, or just to find the next start time for the local movie house, the internet is a great and convenient tool. Also, like many of you, I have used the internet in that most human of activities -trying to find suitable companionship with a member of the opposite sex. Again the internet shines in its ability to make this rather arduous task very quick and mindlessly easy. All one needs to do is find a “Matching” website and create a “profile” that says something about you, and about the type of companion you are looking for. Some of the information you could be expected to provide is your age, height, body type, favorite activities, etc. Now, before you dash off to find your true love there is a caveat: Despite the seeming simplicity of providing and reading data, I have learned that there is actually an unwritten language in these “profiles.” If you do not know the language then you are most likely headed for disappointment, herpes, or worse... a broken heart! I have written translations to some of the most commonly used “alternate” meanings that are found in people’s PROFILE in their attempt to fool you and take your affections. Enjoy, and I hope it helps you all. Body Type: Average While this is probably the most truthful of the “unwritten profile language” terms… think about it. In the USA, the average body type is FAT. If you decide to go out with a person who lists their body type as Average, be ready to feed them peanuts, lose at all memory games, and be annoyed with clowns because they are telling you that they are a circus worthy pachyderm. They may be nice on the inside, way deep inside, under all the fat. On the other hand, they might be not very nice. I’d rather be with a not very nice person who is in great shape thank you very much. Marital Status: Divorced Again, this could be truthful, but experience shows me that if a person lists this…they are actually still married in their mind. If they were truly OVER their marriage, they would list SINGLE as their status. Simple. So, if you choose to date a person that lists Divorced… be ready to spend at least half of your time together listening to how “amazing” your dates relationship with his ex-wife is… then moments later he will burst into tears and demand that she, “SIGN THE FREAKING PAPERS ALREADY!!” You can offer advice as you return the un-watched movie rental, all the while your sexy underthings will apparently NOT be seen that night - even though you took special care to select his favorite color… again. Sigh. I like walks on the beach... Many people will list their most treasured activities in their description. But this “walks on the beach” nonsense is code for, “I DON’T HAVE A CAR!” When you and your new found date are making plans on the phone to meet and at the last second he asks you to pick him up, you will recall that he touched your heart with his written description of walking along the sandy shores hand in hand with you. Now you know...he ain’t got wheels! Did he lose his license from drinking and driving? Don’t stick around to find out. In fact, make plans to pick him up…but never show up. Make up a “headache” excuse when he calls in a few days. No wonder he’s on a dating site, wicked LOSER. NO DRAMA PLEASE These self assured, perfectly well adjusted people have tried to hoodwink you by leaving out one word: "MORE." They already have enough drama... These are usually the people that have a child or children from previous relationships scattered across the 4 corners of the globe. They are the ones that hate their ex wive(s), hate their boss, hate their roommate, hate clothes, cheese, and air too. Oddly enough, they love alcohol. Only date one of these people if you have ear plugs, mononucleosis, or both. LOOKING FOR RELATIONSHIP NOT JUST “FUN” This one is complicated, and so baffling. It turns out that people who use this phrase or something similar actually mean it for a period of between 3 and 6 weeks. After that time frame, they mean the opposite: Looking just for fun, not relationship. So, if you can act your way through “getting to know someone honestly” but really just want some belly bumping… find someone who says this in their profile. Be patient, it will work out and you will get all the nookie you can handle. I’ve purposely had this type of relationship with one man. Once to test his mettle regarding “fun” vs. “relationship”, I shouted out another man's name in the heat of love making. He seemed bewildered. The next morning, I playfully broke up with him and made it seem like it was his entire fault. He passed the test and was back for more fun in a few weeks. Well, there you have it. With my translations at your side you should be able to more accurately navigate the Couple Matching websites. Good luck in life and love! Do you have any translations you would like to share with me or pain meds? Click here. - Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of childrens books (“The Low Down”, “Eat this for a Quarter” and “Daddy has Stubble in Funny Places”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua

By Linus The Angry Mime Hey. Man, September is the month of the most useless, lukewarm holidays. Instead of Thanksgiving, we have Labor Day, which is always held on the hottest weekend on earth. Pretty hard to celebrate when your skin feels like burnt sandpaper. Instead of Memorial Day, we get Columbus Day, which no one really celebrates anyway. And, September is loaded with a bunch of other useless holidays: Patriot Day, Ask a Stupid Question Day, World Rabies Day, Talk Like a Pirate Day. And then I discover that Japan, as well as other places, is really into respecting their elders. So much so, that they even give them a whole freaking day to wallow in their misery: Respect For the Aged Day. This is wrong, wrong, wrong! We have got to stop coddling old people! No special holidays, no “leisure communities” – just leave them out in the woods when it’s their time to pass on, like our cavemen ancestors used to do. They get a Swiss Army knife, a copy of Reader’s Digest (large print version), and a walking stick. That’s it. Here’s why: 1) You can catch death from old people - Fact: Old people are commonly found in nursing homes and hospitals. Fact: These locations offer the highest percentage of mortality. Therefore, if you end up hanging around these places, you will die. You will catch the old and die, so help you, God! 2) Senior citizens are NOT “Living Treasures.” - They screwed up. They had a chance to make this world something better, and instead, it’s a madhouse. If your dog craps on your floor, you don’t give him a holiday, do you? No! You hit him in the nose with a newspaper, and lock him in the basement until you remember to feed him. Old people deserve the same treatment. 3) They made you - And you are one pathetic lump of DNA, let me tell you. There’s no reason to celebrate the fact that they had unprotected sex on a hammock to make you. Look at yourself – wasting time on the internet instead of becoming a better person, or watching some good performance art from your local mime. [EDITOR'S NOTE: We're glad that you're "wasting" your time on our website...you gotta knock that crap off, Linus. - Tonto] 4) Old people are mean, mean, mean - Think I’m angry? Spend five minutes on the bus with a retiree on Social Security whose wife just died and who can’t control his own bodily functions. There’s someone who laughs at your misery, pal. You thought it was an accident that they farted as soon as you sat down? Or that they decided to eat their sloppy baloney sandwiches without closing their mouth, showering you in rancid mayonnaise? Fat chance. When the weak have nothing to lose, they have all the time in the world to make you suffer. And suffer you will. 5) They steal all the attention at strip clubs - I’m a mime, folks. I don’t make a lot of money. So, when I finally have enough hard earned cash to entertain myself, I go visit the talent at your friendly neighborhood flesh peddler. But, no matter what time of day I go, there’s always some corpses with cash who get the best tables and the hottest women all over their bloated bodies. Why? The women know that they’re harmless, like a puppy. o, while Grandpa is getting the finest views of a birth canal, I’m stuck getting a lap dance from the trainee who just quit her job at Arby’s. So, why do you hate old people? Email me. LINUS - Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

By Vans McCoy Like many, I hate. Though, I make sure that I’m discerning about my hate. I want to hate with class. I want to hate with style and grace. Other people don't take the time and effort to hate with dignity like I do. They hate the "easy." They hate the surface of things. And they think they're so damn cool in the process too. God, I hate those poeople. You know the type: the people who claim to “get it” and then regurgitate the “news” from Rolling Stone. Check this out: if I can buy it at the supermarket next to Maxim, it’s hardly edgy. Keep in mind, I’m not defending any of the following. They all suck, and should be hated by everyone. Though, these are sorta like level 1-1 on Super Mario Brothers. Even your friend’s blind retarded cousin can pass that level. You’re supposed to hate the following. If you don't, something is wrong with you. You’re neither cool, nor hip for not liking any of these. All it means is that your eyes work. What bugs me is when people think they are so in-tune with the global, cosmic, fuckall universe because they hate the following. 5. MTV – At this point, unless you’re under the age or 16 or have a corresponding IQ, it’s common knowledge that MTV is the worse thing to ever be put on the air… that includes American Gladiators. Jello Biafra has been saying this for over twenty years. Anyone who says, “Remember when Real World used to be good?” should suicide themselves. Hopefully with something sharp. What to hate in addition: Any art that's driven by $$$. That, and only that, is the root of the problem. 4. Barry Bonds – He cheats. And? Of all the stuff going on in the world, you’re upset that some guy who hits a fucking baseball as a career puts things in his body that make him do it better?! What’s the big deal? You know how Barry Bonds and every other pro athlete really cheated? By not having a real job! You should be pissed that he gets to play while you sit behind a desk all day. And…And…you pay his salary!!! Hahahahahaha! Sucker! Homeless, war, death, AIDS, famine, poverty…and some three-hundred pound asshole is ready to take to the streets to defend the integrity of baseball? What to hate in addition: The fact that people are so stupid that they’ve made baseball, the laziest and more boring sport EVER, the national pastime. They won’t read a book, but they’ll sit and watch baseball. 3. Michael Bay Movies (I refuse to use the word "film") – “What can I say… they’re mindless. I like to just shut my brain off sometimes.” You know what else is mindless? Taking a dump. That’s mindless too. You know who else likes to shut their brains off? Alzheimer’s patients! Do me a favor: when you shut your brain off next summer for two and a half hours, don’t bother turning it back on. You don’t deserve it. What to hate in addition: that the media really does think you're stupid. They do. They jerk you around like a puppett under the guise of of "action packed" 2. Myspace – I cracks me up how people are anti-myspace yet…. their biggest outlet to send their anti-myspace message is……MYSPACE. Bingo. Idiots. You gotta love the “I’m so cool, but I finally gave in to Myspace” heading and description. You’re not a rebel. In fact, it’s impossible to be a rebel in a place where you can’t post porno. It’s crazy, they have the thing you can do on there where you, like, I don’t know, totally, like, delete your page. Instead, you get people who have to tell how cool they are by not being cool but really wish they were as cool as they’re telling you they think they are by rebelling against something that everyone thinks is cool when that’s not good enough they have to be cooler than everyone but the only tool to be uncool is the tool that everyone is using. Make sense? Didn’t think so. That’s how hipsters think. What to hate in addition: The fact that people have taken greatest invention of our time, The Internet, and turned it into a ego jerk off machine and marketing tool. 1. Republicans/Democrats – They’ve fucked things up royally. They’re hypocrites. They’re old. They’re out of touch. They cater to corporate interests. You know what? It’s business as usual. If you hate one…you better hate the other because they’re both the exact same thing. Here’s one of those wacky madlibs (no, not talking about Howard Dean. “Mad-LIB” Get it?) The other day I went to ____________ (Nation capital/mega chain store), and ran into _________________ (leading politician). At first I though they were _____________(favorite cartoon character), because all the botox, hair care, and make up made them not look like a normal human. “Hello, voter.” they said. “I’m on your side as far as _____________ (issue that matters most to you). But boy, oh boy, running for President is sure hard, so do you have ___________ (six figure number) to help my billion dollar campaign? That’s ok if you don’t. I get lots of money from __________________ (pick a company), so I have to get their issues covered first. Then I’ll get to your thing…as soon I get rid of that gay problem.” If you don’t hate all of them and want nothing less than system overhaul…I’m done talking to you. Don’t worry, there’s an editorial in this week’s Rolling Stone by Puff Daddy on how you can “Rock the Vote!” What to hate in addition: Career politicians of all makes and models. Corporate government control. Also, two party politics and the electoral college should be loathed as well. - Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

By Linus The Angry Mime Hey. You know that sick, tingling feeling you get sometimes? A shiver, like someone’s been walking on your grave? That’s what I feel just before Octoberfest starts up again. Nothing is more hellish than the weeks and weeks of this vile and unholy event. But Linus, you may ask, you like drinking, art, and tradition. You’re cultured and shit. Why don’t you see all that Octoberfest has to offer, blah blah blah… Here’s why I hate this thing: 1) It’s called Octoberfest, but it starts in September - What brainless wonder decided to name this thing Octoberfest, if it always starts in the middle of September? The first year I was out of prison, I was all psyched up to do a original performance piece dealing with women soldiers in the Civil War. Hand-made costumes and everything. Middle of September arrives, and – BAM – my show is ruined by this hellish event. 2)Beer - Yeah, I drink. But I don’t drink because I think it’s fun, or want to celebrate with friends. I drink to stay alive. Beer is alcohol for idiots. It smells like the testicles of a goat, and tastes like curdled jism. Octoberfest beer is even worse. It’s made darker, and with more alcohol, which leads to my next problem: 3) Drunk, bloated bastards are littered all over the ground - It’s pretty hard to perform when there’s no space to do a pantomime. Or when drunk assholes are retching up their remains every fourteen minutes. Octoberfest beer is to blame. Beer drinkers think they can drink this special slop like the cheap sixpacks they buy at the Slurp-n-Go. An hour later, they’re rolling on the sidewalk, cigarette butts stuck to their faces. 4)Lying, lying dirndls - I’ll admit it, German women are hot. But after a few beers themselves, they just fucking lie to you. Here’s how: When wearing dirndls, the formal apparel for women at Octoberfest, if the apron is tied to the right, she’s taken. If it’s tied to the left, she’s looking to party. You can’t believe the amount of women I run into around Octoberfest who don’t honor this sacred code. 5)Lederhosen issues - If I’m not making money as an artist during Octoberfest, I’ve got to fall back on my criminal skills. However, have you ever tried to lift a wallet from a guy wearing lederhosen? Those breeches are so thin, a man can tell if the coin in his pocket is a euro five cent piece or a 5 Pfennig. I’m one of the best pickpockets I know, and I’ve never been able to lift a man’s wallet during Octoberfest without a good, long fight. Any reasons why you love or hate Octoberfest? Email me. LINUS - Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

By Vans McCoy Sometimes it’s just better to not talk to people. Silence is a wonderful, yet fragile thing that can be destroyed by the simplest of creatures, which in most cases, is a fellow human being. I hate talking with stupid people about stupid things. If you’ve ever found yourself initiating a conversation about any of the following, please do all you can to erase yourself from the gene pool. Talking About Your Dogs – 10 times out of 10, I just want to walk my dog and walk fast enough so that I don’t have to scoop up anything. That’s it. Conversations with strangers get in the way of me accomplishing my goal. But there always seem to be some jerkwad who wants to stop and compare dogs with you, like you care. The only dog comparison worth anything is which one would win in a fight? And that’s mine. Oh, you have a corgi pug mix. Wow, isn’t that just fucking fascinating?! My knowledge of universe has been forever expanded by knowing that some yahoo has a dog. It’s not like you genetically engineered the dog’s DNA, you picked it up at the pound. It gets fooled when I pretend to throw a ball, it’s not an advanced life form. I don’t care what it’s name is. I don’t care how old he is. I don’t care how trained he is. I don’t care that my dog seems “like” your dog. My dog likes to eat his turds…him liking something isn’t a ringing endorsement. Catching Up With A Schoolmate – Let’s see…we weren’t friends in schools…it’s been easily ten years since I’ve seen you, let alone given you a second thought…so, why do we have to talk to each other because I saw you in the bread aisle at the store? SCENE: [Some dipshit stops in front of you while you’re getting bread. He points at you with crooked eyes, a tilted head, and a pointed finger.] DS: Don’t I know you? You went to XXXX high school? You: Yeah. DS: I thought so. You: Yeah. DS: Man, so what’s up, man? How you been? You: Good. DS: That’s cool. So what you been up to? You: Not much. Same old, you know. DS: Yeah. Well, dude. We should totally hang and catch up. You: Sure. DS: You ever see anyone from school anymore? You: Not really. Then there’s a looooooooooooooooooong pause where you remember why you were never friends with this idiot in the first place. You say bye, and then avoid them for the rest of you trip at the store. Awkward “Boss” Non-Office Talk – It only takes about 15 seconds before you realize that you and your boss DO NOT know each other. Even better, you have nothing in common besides a faux servant/master relationship that you hate. You had an awesome month-long vacation in Europe. Great. I got to take a three-day weekend and blew all my money in Vegas. Plus, I got a flat tire in Barstow. While you were soaking up sun on the Riviera, I was doing your job, so the least you do is not brag about it. Just give me my piece of paper every other Friday and we’ll be just fine. I don’t need to know about your kids. My work will pay for their college. That’s all I need to know, and even that is too much. The only conversation I want to have with my boss is, “I’m quitting. Shove off, dick.” The Weather – I have a window, and pretty good eyesight. We don’t need to talk about this. The only thing you can do is agree. That makes for a lousy conversation. It’shotyeahIknowitwascoldyesterdayuh-huhitlookslikeitmayrainyeahIthinksolasttimeitrainedmycargotsoakedyeahminetootomorrowshouldbeniceIhopesoIcan’ttakemuchmoreoftheheatmetooyeahIknowit’sreallybadIagreeIagree. I’d rather have a discussion with someone about whether or not the bullet I just put in my skull will leave an exit wound or not. Traffic – When you don’t like someone and are forced to be in a social situation, you ask them about the traffic. Then, you have to pretend to care. They got to wherever you are and you’re facing them…traffic couldn’t have been that bad, now could it? It’s not you stormed the beaches of Normandy, you had to sit for ten minutes behind a H2 that you couldn’t see around. Quit bitching. The only reason to talk about traffic is when it sucks. When traffic sucks, the last thing you want to do is remember it. Traffic was bad for you too. So what? I wasn’t there. I don’t care. I’d rather be stuck in traffic than talking about being stuck in it. The Lottery – I don’t care what you’d do with 150 million. I’m not gonna win. You’re not gonna win. Some jerk who bought a quick-pick at a run down liquor store in Stockton will, and he’ll blow it on dumb cars and meth. - Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

By Vans McCoy - vanmccoy@hotmail.com Have you ever had the want to recapture your childhood? Want to re-live the hours spent watching the movies that you loved as a child? I used to get that feeling…until I realized that just about every movie I loved was actually a steaming cinematic turd. This has happened to me countless times. It’s like a piece of me died when I realized that the films I love were in fact better suited to be spread out on the front yard to help grow grass. These are the 8 times it hurt the most. 8. Police Academy – Remember when Steve Guttenberg was the shit. I mean THE SHIT! When he was the King Midas of everything 80’s film comedy? Well, I do. He skills were never better highlighted than in the original Police Academy. A slapstick comedy tour-de-force… at least when you’re ten. This a film that you watched when Mom and Dad went “out to dinner” and had to make sure was back in the same place of the VHS stack and queued to the same place on the tape where it was before. Now, try watching an episode of SNL with let’s say…the oh, so funny guy who played “Stifler” and try to differentiate that from Police Academy. You can’t, huh? The only way Police Academy holds up is with inhaling two pounds of weed. But then again, with that much weed, I bet Gandhi is a laugh riot too. You want real slapstick and physical comedy? Here you go: 7. Every Seagal Movie – My love for Steven Seagal films strangely coincides with my years as a fan of professional wrestling. Someone do you wrong? Well, then you track them down until it’s down to just you and them with no outside interference in a match to the death…where of course, the good guy wins. Hey look, I just wrote EVERY movie Seagal ever made. Took me about 30 seconds. Once I realized that wrestling wasn’t real and learned what a “steroid fueled coke abuser” looks like, I stopped watching good ‘ol rasslin. Strange, it was right about the same time that I learned what “phony martial arts and uninspiring storytelling” was. What a coinky-dink! 6. Coming to America – It was funny because Eddie Murphy would swear a lot, well sorta. You know something’s up when they show this movie on HBO at 3:30 pm. Just enough time to get home from school and watch before mom came home. It was supposed to be so cool. Me and my friends all laughed when we were supposed to: the barber shop scenes, the dripping jheri-curl, Sexual Chocolate, etc. We didn’t exactly know why were laughing. We just felt like we should. 19 years later, we now know why we shouldn’t have been laughing. You don’t laugh at things that blow that bad…you shut off the TV, grab your skateboard, and go steal candy from the liquor store. 5. Kickboxer – Like any good dealer, Van Damme got me hooked with the first hit, Bloodsport. Like a fiend, I couldn’t wait for my next one. Then, I realized how gay that whole movie is. I don’t mean gay as in “jock-term-for belittling something I think sucks,” I mean gay as in, “two-roidheads having anal sex with each other.” This movie proves that being gay is not a choice, otherwise we’d have generation of prancy tae-kwon-do flip kicky homosexuals...I do not appreciate Mr. Van Damme trying to convert me. 4. Gremlins – This movie scared the fuck out of me as a kid. Mutating monsters that would eat you as soon as look as you. Pheobe Cates’ dad dying in the chimney dressed like Santa Claus. Crazy Asian guys. Corey Feldman. That’s some scary stuff. It gave me nightmares. Now, it’s just kinda sad. It’s like when I realized that those kids in Africa aren’t actually fat and should just stop complaining about being hungry…that they’re actually starving to death and suffering. That’s what Gremlins is like for me. 3. Spaceballs – This is about as uninspiring as they come. A Star Wars parody, oh, I don’t know…ten years too late? Did the comic stylings really need to percolate this long? Hmmm, couldn’t decide whether “Barf” should be a dog, a monkey, or a bear? Or naming a planet “Druidia” just to make a stupid pun on everything “Jewish”? It was the Caddyshack in terms of quotability and third grade awesomeness…now it’s Caddyshack II in terms of everything. 2. National Lampoon’s European Vacation – Whenever I was “sick” from school, I’d wait until about 10am to make sure that there was no way that Mom was coming back home for some reason, and I would retrieve European Vacation from the VHS rack. Fast forward to France sequence…then to the Germany sequence. Rewind. Repeat. Rewind. Let the party begin! It wasn’t until years later that I realized the Griswolds actually went to places where women kept their tops on. Those places aren’t funny. By the way, what the fuck was up with the lame car chase at the end? 1. Return of the Jedi – We’re people surprised when The Phantom Menace sucked? I mean, really, were they actually shocked? Did they see Jedi? If they had, they would surely know that more suckness was on the horizon. You know why kids LOVED Episode IV? Good vs. Evil. Rogue pilots. A princess. A wise man and a hero. It wasn’t stupid burp jokes. Search your soul, the ewoks suck and you know it. After the first two made a gabillion bucks, they knew they could make a gabillion gabillion more if they sold furry little toys. Hence, you get the rock throwing, extremely punt-worthy ewoks. When I was little, I loved it…just like the Episodes IV and V. Now, I feel like I was “marketed towards.” What about you? What movies did you love as a kid that are disappointments now? - Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.