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By Linus The Angry Mime Hey. So, somebody squealed to the authorities after my last post. Before I was even out of Oregon, a couple of squad cars met up with me and escorted me back to my apartment. I fought off a couple of them with my rusty-nail sock, but tear gas can drop a man pretty fast. Can’t complain, I guess. Normally, a fellow would end up in prison for planning to do a little homemade chiropractic work on one certain Tonto Balboa. But, because of my connections with the FBI, they’re just gonna keep me on house arrest for a month. Which is great – because for me, being under house arrest is like being on vacation, but with more required appointments with my weasel of a PO and my court-appointed therapist. Here’s why: 1) Room, board and meals are provided - I was worried about this at first, because the street is where I make my bread. But, rather than allow me to leave the house to work and get food, the FBI insisted on making sure I stay put while they run all my errands. I’m eating better than I have in years, and my clothes don’t smell like rubbing alcohol and blood either. 2) Plenty of free time on the computer - What better way to whittle away the hours than with the wonderful, wonderful internet? You internet morons know how to live, that’s all I’m saying. I’ve begun my quest to find the holy grail of porn – mime porn. Where all the women are ripe and bursting, wearing nothing but authentic greasepaint and a scowl. I suppose some of you are wondering how I’m able to even talk about my house arrest, what with the FBI bunking up with me for a month. Simple. I bribed them. Told them a few white lies and one good truth about some mobsters they’ve been pissing their pants over, and internet confidentiality was secured. 3) New fashion ware - TV and movies have it all wrong. The electronic bracelet they make your wear is actually quite stylish. Plus, it’s the perfect place to hide a few razorblades if you ever need a little boost when you’re sneaking up on a victim. 4) Improving one’s mind - With little to do this month, I’ve taken to learning Russian. The agents who come around my place think it’s cute. I don’t tell them that it’s really so I can get better rates on human organs. The best cuts – livers, kidneys, hearts – are coming right out of the villages in Russia. If you don’t speak the lingo, they’ll shaft ya on the bottom line. Man, if there are any hot Russian women who dabble in mime porn… the mind reels! So, any other ideas on how I should use my time this month? Email me! LINUS - Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

By Stephany Ericson

Well despite the gracious break from writing that was given to us by our employer Tonto, I am still feeling very harried this holiday season. There is so much to do, and yet so precious little time in which to accomplish it all. There are concerts to attend, dating profiles to decipher, and yes… some shopping as well. Not to mention-the ever present task of avoiding my filicidal Foster Parents.

By the way, this article is not just my latest contribution to the World Famous Tonto Balboa and Friends comedy blog… it is also my Christmas card to you all. That’s right; I’m saving time already by combining 2 tedious tasks into one almost bearable one.

Happy Holidays my peeps!

Hopefully you all got my e-mail about me now being a size 4, and my new passion for the color mauve. I can’t wait to see how creative you will all be come Christmas morning. Remember…size 4, mauve.



It would be such a smart idea all the way around if 1/12 of the insanely huge population of this planet could have Christmas one month, and another 1/12 in a successive month, and so on and so forth 1/12 of humanity for each month.

This would cut down on the congestion on aisle 7 at your favorite merchant. But… baby Jesus could only have one birthday - otherwise he would be Hindu - so we must all sacrifice our personal comfort level during the shopping rush in December.

Better get to it!

Since I’m sure many of you have a few things to take care of yourself before wrapping my gifts, here are some of my favorite Holiday Season time-saving tips.

Thin the Herd:

In order to cut down on the time spent in the crush of shoppers, do all of your shopping at one store. I do love my family and friends, but they have entirely no taste whatsoever in personal possessions. That is why I can comfortably shop for them all at Target.

Now, of course there are plenty of other people who do their shopping at Target. Mostly these are people who could not find a Wal-mart, or they are quite fond of stale pretzels.

Since there are so many of them mucking up the aisle ways to all the Target goodness… wouldn’t it be great if you could get rid of some of them? You can! Before your shopping spree, don a Red T-shirt.



When you are roaming the aisles looking for the perfect mundane knick-knack for Uncle Ernie someone will speak to you, “Hey, where the toys at!?”

Yes… they will ask rudely. Why? Because in your Red T-Shirt you appear to them as a Target Team member… loaded forebear with various and sundry quality shopping facts regarding location and pricing for every 2-bit piece of Chinese manufactured merchandise under the TARGET roof.

Since you appear to them to be a Target Team member… that means you have the power of all Target Team members. Your reply should be something like this: “Toys are very near the crying children you hear over to your left. But, unfortunately we are closing the store early today… because it’s on fire. Kindly take your items to your car. Just pay for them next time, after the fire is out. Good bye!”

This has never failed to thin the crowd when said with conviction and perhaps a tiny twitch in the eye, as if you are about to snap into violence.



The beauty of the tactic is that it works no matter what the question asked by the store patron:

“Where’s your bathrooms, huh?”
“Where are you hiding the DVDs now?”

GET OUT! FIRE!!!!

Now you can shop in greater freedom. Take a stroll by the pharmacy. That always helps.

My other time saver comes into play now that the aisles are less congested with people who don’t know how to find things for themselves.

Here you will find things for yourself! Go and purchase what your heart of hearts would love to receive on Christmas day.



Now the tricky part… take it home and wrap it up nice. Decide who among your cherished circle would absolutely DESPISE this as a gift! Then make out a gift card to them. Now, place it under your tree and count the days until you can watch when they act surprised at your gift, profusely thanking you in front of the all those gathered.

Later when the rabble has dissipated they will quietly approach you and ask for a trade of some kind. You, of course, are mortified that they do not have a place in their home for a next generation video game console and of course you will take it back for them (somewhere they heard the store burned down…)

Now, in one fell swoop you’ve gotten rid of that hideous mauve dress AND scored a PlayStation 3!

You my friend are a Christmas Genius… just like me.

Happy Holidays,

Stephany

- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children's books (“Vanilla Chai oh My”, “Pat This Hippopotamus” and “Never Had the Best of Me”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

By Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com Look, I know a thing or two about mismatches. I boxed professionally for 9 years and spent another 3 as an amateur. I’ve been on both sides of a mismatch; most notably against Larry Holmes, a man who royally kicked my ass in Madison Square Garden. I say royally because he made me call him King Holmes after the fight, which I did for fear of puncturing another lung with another broken rib. Oh, that Larry… he’s funny. Like I said though, I was on the Special Delivery side of a mismatch ass-whooping a few times in my career too. Early in my career, maybe my 4th pro fight, I fought a guy in a high school gymnasium who I’m guessing was borderline retarded. He may have had retard strength, but he also had retard punches. Obviously, I won. It was my first rd.1 KO. And no, it wasn’t one of those things where I hit him so hard that turned smart. That only happens in movies… which brings me to the topic at hand: The Biggest Mismatches of Recent Cinema. Dutch vs. Predator Film: Predator Underdog: Dutch Odds: 20:1 Match Up Analysis: On paper, this fight is nowhere close. It says a lot when Dutch is outgunned physically. Normally that’s his biggest advantage (and his unflinching ability to mutilate foes). In fact, he was losing the fight badly until he discovers that Predator can’t see him when he’s covered in mud. Like any good fighter, Dutch took full advantage of his opponent’s weakness and devises a plan to defeat that “one ugly motherfucker” known as Predator. Kenobi vs. Skywalker II Film: Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope Underdog: Kenobi Odds: 7:1 Match Up Analysis: Normally, in a rematch, the winner of the first fight is the favorite, but this wasn’t the case for the long awaited rematch decades in the making. The first fight was a dynamic back and forth battle that won “the long time ago fight of the year.” Kenobi triumphed, besting and maiming his young pupil. Unfortunately, the following decades weren’t as kind to Kenobi. His training faltered and didn’t have access to any top gyms or training partners. The residents of Tatooine are notorious for not showing much interest in legitimate combat sports. Plus, the years of battles had taken a toll on his body. Fighting, as anyone will tell you, is a young man’s game. Skywalker, on the other hand, had gone on to become… basically, a machine. He became bigger, stronger, and far more powerful than he was in the initial encounter and was one of the most feared “old school” fighters still competing. When they finally fought, the live gate wasn’t what the promoters thought it would be (only 1 person in attendance), which was probably for the best. It was obvious that both men had lost a step (and that’s being generous). Kenobi showed flashes of his superior technique, but eventually succumbed to the physical advantage that Skywalker – now fighting under the persona of “Darth Vader.” Vader would continue to compete for a bit longer… but finally retired after losing in a rematch with his son. Eric Sloane vs. Tong Po Film: Kickboxer Underdog: Sloane Odds: 15:1 Match up analysis: Sloane was a American kickboxing champion who wanted to test his skills against the best in the world. He should have skipped Thailand. He quickly found out that Western Kickboxing is a watered down version of Muay Thai. Po picked Sloane apart for the first round and was looking to cruise to an easy TKO victory. Sloane’s corner urged Eric to throw in the towel, but Sloane was too stubborn to listen (a theme we will revisit in a few moments). As a result, he ended up paralyzed. In a nice post script: Eric’s brother, Kurt, decides to avenge his brother and does so by defeating Tong Po in the most homosexual death fight in history. The Hanson Brothers vs. Minor League Pro Hockey Film: Slap Shot Underdog: Minor League Pro Hockey Odds: 9:1 Match Up Analysis: For the first part of the season, The Hansons rode the pine while playing for the hapless Charlestown Chief. Only when Coach Dunlop has all but given up on the season do the boys get a crack at the ice. The Hanson’s never looked back, even when they were just “listening to the fucking song.” The Hansons declared war on The Federal League and literally destroyed every opponent they faced with ruthless abandon. They finally met their match in the finals when the Syracuse Bulldogs put together a team of the biggest goons ever – including Tim “Dr. Hook” McCracken – to combat the Chiefs. The final battle was inconclusive and was ruined in the judges’ eyes by a gratuitous male strip tease. Lucas vs. High School Film: Lucas Underdog: Lucas Odds: 45:1 Match up Analysis: Undersized, intelligent, and a crush on the prettiest girl in school. Right off the back, poor Lucas had three strikes against him going into his battle with high school. And it only got worse. Lucas suffered humiliation, including an assault on his groin with Icy Hot. Lucas fought back the only way he knew how: he took the battle to them on their own turf. He joined up on the football, and on the only play of his career, he caught a touchdown… unfortunately suffering a nasty concussion in the process. The victory for Lucas was brief. His later teen years were marred with drug use and financial woes. As a young adult, he all but dropped off the map as the problems worsened for him. He was briefly mentioned at the 10 and 15 year reunions as “remember that one guy?” Some did. Most didn’t. Creed vs. Drago Film: Rocky IV Underdog: Creed Odds: 48:1 Match up Analysis: Former heavyweight champ, Apollo Creed, retired from the sport of boxing after losing his second fight with Rocky Balboa (no relation to author). He was financially secure and had embarked on a promising second career as a trainer of champions. Then, the cold war came to shores of the United States in the form a steroid bound heavyweight fighter named Ivan Drago who declared war on the sport of boxing. The first recruit in this new war was the former king – Apollo Creed. Despite having the best entrance of any fighter in history, the results were disastrous. But, it wouldn’t be Apollo if he didn’t do it “my way!” As we all know, Rocky would travel into the Lion’s Den of the Soviet Union on Christmas to take on Drago in the biggest grudge match of all-time. 15 rounds later, Drago was defeated and the Cold War was over… though we will never forget the sacrifice made by one of the greatest warriors of our time – Apollo Creed. - Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends. NOTE: If you liked this article, take a jab at The Top Ten Bum Films of All-Time, A Film Career: Why Fred Thompson Won't Be President, and Tonto's Video Game Dreams Come Crashing Down.

By Linus The Angry Mime Hey. It’s important, in this casual and indifferent world, to keep your promises. And by promises, I mean reacquainting Tonto Balboa with the emergency room. As you probably guessed, Halloween came and went. No paycheck. No call or emails to apologize – nothing. I figure Tonto just plain forgot. An innocent mistake, worth a few dozen phone calls in his town identifying him as a sex offender (side note – you ever check out his self-portrait? The chump looks like his man moss would totally be dripping with kiddie juices – tell your friends!). But then that crazy, no-talent she-beast, Stephany, emails me to let me know that Tonto paid her for her “writing,” and would I want to visit her and drink vanilla chai out of a thimble and sniff dandelions while petting a hippotamus… the goddamn email went on for fifteen pages, no spaces. So it was time to send this Indian back to his spirit world. Or in this case, a little place I like to call La Casa del Muerte. I’ve got no cash, no hotels, no credit cards. Just a sock filled with rusty nails and a vow to pound that feather-wearing, concussion-of-the month earning injun until there’s no more white left on that sock. Tonto’s answering machine said that he was in Skokie, Illinois all this week hosting a seminar: “The Legend of the Bone Whistle: How to make and play the sacred instrument of my native peoples” I don’t know yet where he plans to host this crapfest, but I’ll be there to make a little bittersweet music of my own. I’ll write back next week and let ya know how it all went down. If any of you want to go steal some credit cards and email them to me, that’d be good of you. Before I go, let’s brush up on American history and recall some effective ways we managed to lay a big hurt on Indians: 1)Smallpox - It’s been estimated that over eighty percent of the Indians killed in the United States since the arrival of Europeans was because of disease. Smallpox leads them all in terms of deadliness. I haven’t washed this sock or the rusty nails ever, so that will help me out when it comes to delivering an added biological punch. 2)Home Schooling - A lot of Christians decided to coerce Indian women and children into attending Christian-based schools, punishing them for holding on to their time-honored religious traditions and symbols. I’ll offer the same type of education for Tonto. The Real World 101: Pay a mime his money or you’re gonna pour blood outta all your holes for a week. 3)Lie, Lie, Lie - People offered Indians treaty after treaty, and broke them whenever it was convenient. The same method will work nicely for Tonto: he’ll start crying and offer me a grocery bag filled with bone flutes so I won’t mash his teeth together. I’ll smile, accept, and leave. That’s when the fun begins. Tonto will think it’s over, go to sleep, and I’ll short sheet his bed, pounding him senseless with my sock. Well, got anything to say about it? Email me! LINUS - Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

OK, so Slocomb Jones is hard to get in touch with. Every other writer on my staff has email. Easy. Slocomb? Not so easy. To contact him, I have to go down to the CVS around the corner and see if "Dumpster Darrell" is in residence. If he is, I'll tell him that he needs to tell Slocomb that he has a deadline to meet and that I'll be back in a week to pick up the article for which I will provide a bottle of payment. Needless to say, getting to synchronize with Dumpster and Slocomb is difficult. Usually, when I do get something from Slocomb, the article is written on an old menu or on the back of a piece of cardboard that was once used as a "Will Recite Limmericks for Food" (marketing pieces, as Slocomb calls them). They may be infrequent, but when they arrive... you can't argue with the funny! But hey, if Slocomb was prolific... he wouldn't be a bum, would he?! Click here for a rare sit down interview with pro bum/humor writer Slocomb Jones. We conclude our Veteran's Week series (I'm gonna skip me for now - because I didn't plan for this to go for two weeks) with some of the best work from our staff mascot who hands out the funny like Larry Holmes hands out jabs to the face: Slocomb Jones! 1. 7 Ways to Better Public Restroom Etiquette 2. Top 10 Bum Films of All-Time 3. A Bum's Guide to Better Healthcare 4. Lazy bums... and why they bother a professional bum 5. "Flirting with Stardom... Or How I Almost Made it into Bumfights" Can ya spare a little, - Tonto Balboa Editor in Chief (and Chief) www.TontoAndFriends.com

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands! Hear that? Yeah, me too. That's silence. It also means that Linus the Angry Mime could be standing next to you. If you don't realize that he's next to you... your wallet is probably gone and you will soon be a victim of identity theft. That's our Linus. Who would've thought that a man who makes a living in the world of silence can be so loud with the written word? I guess that's irony or something. Either way, he's pretty damn funny despite being a total asshole. That's why I keep him around. He's funny... and perhaps our most informative writer on the staff. Informative in the sense of knowing how to get people in and out of jail on a regular basis. I'll be blunt, I don't care for Linus. He's a dick. But, like John Wayne Bobbit, he's a funny dick. That's why I keep him around. Want to know why I don't like this little man? Read this. Without any further adeiu, here's a "loving" tribute to some of the best work of the worst human being on the Tonto and Friends staff: 1. How To Destroy a Clown 2. Why Marcel Marceau Was a Dick! 3. Why Nobody Should Honor Respect For The Aged Day 4. Keeping the "Fun" in funeral - Ways to honor the dead 5. How to Break out of Prison Throwing myself at the mercy of the parole board, - Tonto Balboa Editor in Chief (and Chief) www.TontoandFriends.com

You want hilarious controversy? I got two words for you: Vans McCoy. Full-time video store manager. Full-time old school punk rocker. He's the newest staffer here at Tonto and Friends, and he's already made an impression. Next to the lonely Internet nerds who are jealous of The Schmooz, we get more hate mail for Mr. McCoy than for any other writer here. Why? Who knows? In my experience, Vans is a good 'ol fashioned punk shit talker with a subversive sense of humor. I guess people just don't get it. Exhibit A: an exclusive interview with Vans. Anyway, here's a sampling of Vans' finest which suggests that he'll be moshing poetic around here for a long time. 1. "Hey dipshit hipster! Hating these 5 things doesn't make you cool." 2. The 9 Most Overrated Songs Ever! 3. These movies ruled when I was a kid... now I see how much they SUCK!!! 4. 9 Reasons Why Baseball Sucks 5. What Talking About the Days of the Week Really Means Piss Off!! (that's punk... right, Vans?) - Tonto Balboa Editor in Chief (and Chief) www.TontoAndFriends.com

First off, I apologize for missing most of last week. I was at a blogger convention in Las Vegas and it costs too much damn money to get wireless Internet in hotel rooms. So, it's a week late, but even if something comes a week late, it's better than not at all. With that said, as far as I'm concerned, it's still Veteran's week here at Tonto and Friends! Enigmatic. Talented. Funny. Bat shit bonkers. You can say a lot of things about our lone female staff writer, Stephany Ericson, but one thing you can't say is... hell, I'm not sure. Pretty much any word you can think of will do the trick. Go ahead and invent a word. Something like... let's see... how about... howyulka, which means "the particular scent that eminates from aloe burning in a Pacific Rim volcano." Yeah, you could say that about Stephany. Get to know Ms. Ericson a bit more by clicking here Here's some of Stephany's best and funniest work so far at Tonto and Friends. 1. Moving On: 3 Ways To Get You Back on Your Feet When Benched on the Game of Life 2. Why it Sucks to Drive Next to You! 3. How to Decode Online Dating Profiles 4. 5 Reasons Why Blog "Lists" Make Me Sick 5. Green Red Yellow Blue Orange - Three reasons why Guitar Hero is a perfect reason to spend all day in bed Self medicate and enjoy... but mainly just self medicate; the "enjoy" will follow, - Tonto Balboa Editor in Chief (and Chief) www.tontoandfriends.com

It's the second day in our week of celebrating our writing staff here at Tonto and Friends. When you think hippie (who was at Woodstock... sorta) turned tennis instructor for rich moms in Orange County, you gotta be thinking about our very own Bustamante! Bustamante has been a friend of mine for a long time now, and I must say I'm a huge fan of the way he thinks. Obviously, I think he's a great comedy writer as well. He's out most outspoken political persona on our site, but I'll be damned if he isn't one of our funniest too. For those of you new to the stylings of Bustamante, get to know him him by Clicking here. 1. The Wildfires... and what else is Al Qaeda responsible for, huh?! 2. NEVER FORGET: THE SEVEN GREATEST EVENTS OF 10/11 3. A FILM CAREER: WHY FRED THOMPSON WON’T BE PRESIDENT 4. The 10 Funniest ways the US tried to "Whack" Fidel Castro 5. 7 surefire ways for Republicans to win in 2008 Revolution! (in the words... I guess word of Bustamante) - Tonto Balboa Editor in Chief www.TontoandFriends.com

I want to dedicate this week here at Tonto and Friends to the comedy writers that have helped build Tonto and Friends into what it's become today... one of the best of an coming humor sites on the Internet. Plus, it's allowed me to stop boxing for a living! Getting punched in the side of the head is a young man's game. Anyhow, I want to start the week with my first official staff writer, Reginald Thurgood, a.k.a. THE SCHMOOZ. The Schmooz is a man of fine women, fine living, and fine song. As an international recording star, I'm very fortunate to have his writings on my site. I should let you know... his writing has helped me get laid many a time! I know the same can be said for our readers. Here they are! Some of the finest postings from our very own, THE SCHMOOZ In case you're not familiar with The Schmooz, click here for an exclusive interview. 1. Top 7 Best, Most Fine, Do-Able Women in all of history 2. WHY “THE MAN” REALLY WANTS YOU TO HOLD OFF ON SEX UNTIL MARRIAGE 3. LOVING ON THE FLY: QUICK WAYS TO TURN SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD ITEMS INTO PROPHYLACTICS 4. HOW TO SAY GOODBYE: THE SCHMOOZ OFFERS FOUR WAYS TO END A RELATIONSHIP 5. WANT TO IMPRESS? THE SCHMOOZ RECOMMENDS SIX BOOKS THAT MAKE YOU LOOK SMART Bonus: The Schmooz holds the distinction of having written the single most popular article here at Tonto and Friends: 9 songs secretly loved by The Schmooz Enjoy! - Tonto Balboa Editor in Chief www.TontoAndFriends.com

By Bustamante [EDITOR'S NOTE: Bustamante been a bit crazy lately. He spent a weekend on a retreat in Catalina with some old pals from the proverbial good 'ol days. He hasn't spoke a word in a few weeks, and turned in this most recent article in video form. P.S. Vans says there's bonus points for whoever can name the song and the original band in the video. Enjoy... - Tonto] - Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.

By Stephany Ericson Finality. The End. Game Over. Check Please! We all have a date with the Grim Reaper in our future. He comes without our knowing and at that time life is over for us. Even though life in general is quite painful we want it to run on and on. Why? Well...the Dane said it best perhaps: [EDITOR'S NOTE: What a ruggedly handsome man... though, I say that in a very un-gay way. - Tonto] But that the dread of something after death, The undiscover'd country from whose bourn No traveller returns, puzzles the will And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of? What does this mean? Well basically it means, "I'm not sure if the grass is greener on the other side…so…I'm staying RIGHT HERE even though it sucks." Want to prolong your life? Who doesn't? Here are some bona-fide ways to keep the Reaper at bay so that you can continue on being as un-spectacular as you are. Put very little effort into anything - If you do everything half-assed, then no one in Heaven or Hell will want you. The trick is finding the correct amount of effort to put forth. Too much and you will excel and be noticed on the Northern most ethereal plane… too little and you will be considered Slothful. This will alert the leader of the Southern plane who will gladly admit you for eternity long air conditioner repair. Schubert's 8th Symphony - Let there be 2 bites left of Ostrich steak on your plate even though there are starving kids somewhere. When playing Shortstop take an extra step before throwing to 1st base-you'll get the lead runner... but not the double play. When going potty-number 2, wipe only once no matter how filthy you may feel. No one, including Satan wants to be around someone with a stinky ass. Be mean to awesome people, be a saint to losers - This confuses the denizens of both the High and low eternities. If someone offers to share a cab with them, graciously accept, then stick them with the fare. This will entice Beelzubub to your worth, but then throw him a curve ball by doing the laundry of some fat slob who treats everyone around them as their personal plaything. Bub will have 2nd thoughts about having such a good apple on his team. At the same time, St. Peter will be wary of your entrance due to your greed and stinky butt, not to mention Pete is a stickler for baseball fundamentals. Covet thy neighbor's wife's vicodin - This may not prolong your stay on this mortal coil, but it will make the stay a bit more pleasant-at least until you start coming down. Hire a therapist - Whilst on the couch be completely honest about everything. Neither God nor the Devil wants a whiner... mucking up their well-honed afterlife experience. Vicarious is not just a river in Africa - If you have children, live your life through them. If they like sports not only sign them up, but volunteer to be the team mom, or better yet the coach. If they like music, buy them an expensive instrument. Teach them at home AND go to their band classes as well. Who knows, you could even start a chamber group to play on days there is not sports practice. If they like school work, offer to be an in class assistant for no pay or compensation what-so-ever. These all work because your "accomplishments" will not go in your life book at all…because you aren't really accomplishing anything. Your energy is going to them, and they will surely be too immature to remember to give you a spiritual "thanks"… so all will go un-heard. Yay! This will keep the reaper away for sure! So, in summary…good readers, be not excellent. Be not a finisher nor accomplish much in life. Somewhere along the way of human history, mediocrity got a bad rap. I'm not sure why. Being so so… will keep you around for ages. Look at me! - Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of childrens books ("Friday AND Saturday", "Tu Vida Loca" and "Silent Mimes: Exploding the Myth behind the Mirth") Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art's Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

By The Schmooz Hello there, insomniacs and narcoleptics! Your old pal, The Schmooz has just returned from a spiritual quest I took to Africa. I do this trip every so often, because there is no other place on Earth as lush and sensual. It’s also a great chance to lock hips with some jaw-droppingly gorgeous women, you dig? Anyway, I was in Addis Ababa, sipping coffee at a sidewalk café with a lean and hungry woman. Her eyes were so deep and brown, you could lose yourself for days inside her head. We got to talking, and one thing led to another. Just before I asked if she’d like to see my hotel room, she pulled out this. I couldn’t believe my eyes. A condom that smells like coffee! Talk about stimulating the senses, dear readers. Several hours later, as we rested against one another, I asked her how she discovered these magnificent new condoms. My lover, as brilliant as she was nimble, told me that a company in the States made them for people who didn’t groove on the taste and scent of latex. She also mentioned that they made other varieties based on what different people enjoy: stinky-fruit condoms in Indonesia, and sweet-corn condoms in China. I think that’s a marvelous way to keep the loving safe and creative. Now it’s time to spread this idea all over the world. As a patient priest of penetration, I have traveled far and wide, spreading coitus to lovers in need. I’m quite savvy on knowing what tastes lovers savor across the continents. Here’s some other flavor sensations some inventors should use when marketing romantic raincoats: 1)Hashish - Regardless if you use the stuff, or if you think it should be illegal or illegal, the fact is that it’s quite beloved in places like Amsterdam and Jamaica. And I’d be lying if I said The Schmooz could pass a narcotics test, you dig? A whiff of this stuff on the nether regions would go a long way towards an erotic afternoon. 2)Hickory Smoke - This stuff is ambrosia to many, many Southern belles. If more condoms were sold in the South that smelled like brisket, far fewer sexually transmitted diseases (and I mean children, too, readers) would spoil your fun. 3)Whale Meat - Inuits (that’s Eskimo for my less educated readers) can’t get enough of this flavor. You’ll see parkas dropping all over the place with a condom bearing this earthy scent. 4)New car smell - Don’t laugh; Mother Nature has taught me time and time again that this bouquet of bliss will make clothes shed faster than a house fire. 5)Candy Cane - A perfect way to celebrate the holidays, all year round! Do you have any other great flavors for condoms? Email me! THE SCHMOOZ - Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.

By Vans McCoy Look, despite my rantings and ravings, I’m actually a sentimentalist at heart. In fact, I really love going to Disneyland. Problem is, a lot of other people like going to Disneyland too. Other people can really ruin a day for you at Disneyland. So, how do we fix this, and have a little fun in the process? I’m glad you asked. Fat People Have Very Little Use in Public – Really, these people must go. I’m not talking about the people with a few extra pounds around their waist. I mean the people who are doing their best life-sized apple impression. I’m talking about those who use sweatpants as a fashion necessity vs. a fashion statement. They take up more space on the parade route. They take extra time trying to squeeze into a ride. They sweat and stink in line. They waddle through the park with the speed of a tree sloth – which makes navigating the park on busy day difficult. You know, back in the day, if you had dirty clothes on, they wouldn’t let you in Disneyland. I think you see where I’m going with this… Wheelchairs are Not Worth the Trouble – You’re already sitting down, why do you get to go to the front of the line? Yeah, I know… “well, at least you can walk, Vans.” So? That’s not my fault. Last time I was there, I got on a ride with someone in a wheelchair (a fatty – someone who chose to be “disabled”) and when the ride was over they were asked if they wanted to ride again. WHAT THE FUCK?! They don’t have to wait in line AND they get to go twice?! I said I wanted to ride twice. They said no. Fascists. Hey, Dickhead… Walk Faster! – I touched upon this in the fat person rule, but it’s much more broad sweeping than that. There’s only so much time in a given day, and so many rides to hit. I have a schedule and I want my money’s worth, dammit. Unless, you have a direction and you know what ride you’re going on next: GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!!!! Yo! The Line’s Moving, Dipshit! – Don’t you hate the people who get caught up staring at nothing in line when there’s 30 ft. of space ahead of them? I know. Me too. If line cutting is grounds for dismissal from the park, then holding up the line should be as well. Excuse Me, Ma’am… I’m Going to Punt Your Child – There’s nothing more frustrating than waiting in line with some kid that keeps bumping into you. Here’s my rule: the first time the mutant bumps me, I stare down at the kid with a dose of fury. The second time they bump me, I stare at the mongoloid’s parents. Sometimes that works. The third time they bump me, I line up their head with my elbow, bend my arm ever so slightly, and wait for them to jab their skull. They cry. I apologize. The parents say, “Oh, it wasn’t your fault.” Problem solved. Everything Doesn’t Have to be an “Adventure” – I get it. People are stupid and their attention spans are melting faster than the polar ice caps. That doesn’t mean you have play to them. When I go on a ride, I don’t need to be a “captain,” “rocketeer,” or “hotel guest,” or whatever. I paid $50 to walk in the front door, don’t ask me to be part of the show. That’s your fucking job. Otherwise, give me a discount. If You’re Going to Serve Booze… Actually Put Alcohol in it! – This is something I feel strongly about. One of the selling points of the California Adventure park was that you can get drunk there... and not by sneaking in your own stuff. So, I buy a $8 margarita and it tasted like a lime flavored Slurpee. There was zero tequila content there. Trust me. My stomach has been pumped enough times to know when there’s alcohol in a frosty beverage. Don’t lie to me, Disney! Don’t. You’re Not The Ugliest Person There – This is actually a variation of the nude beach rule which states that there’s always someone uglier than you there. Same holds true at Disneyland. Good God, the ugliest of the ugly come out to play. It’s not uncommon to turn a corner and see someone who belongs in the first chapter of a Guinness World Record book. You want proof of evolution? Go take a look at the “people” lined up to watch the parade three hours early? I rest my case. Don’t “Update” The Rides – Want to know how to make a cool ride sucky? Simple. You merely update it. Oh, let me recount the examples: - Pirates of the Caribbean – This ride had it all: rape, violence, booze, song, pillaging. Those pirates knew how to live! Now... it’s all about Jack Sparrow and politically correct bull. - Captain EO – By far, the best thing in tomorrow land was Captain EO. Now, it’s some stupid Honey, I Shrunk the whatever. EO had a story, good characters, some darkness, and a killer song. Honey, I shrunk my braincells is “interactive” As we learned earlier, interactive = crap. - Great Moments With Abraham Lincoln – They take the only thing with seeing on Main Street and fuck it up so badly that I wish the Confederates had won the Civil War. - People Mover – This ride was the best place in Anaheim to get a hand job, and they update with the Rocket Rods, which turned out to be the dumbest ride in history, so now they have nothing there. Way to go. Now I have to get my hand jobs on Tom Sawyer’s island. - Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

By Linus, the Angry Mime. Hey. So I’m entertaining a lady friend at my local Laundromat, and I see a news report on TV warning people about the newest hurricane and its wave of terror. Hurricane Noel. (insert shivers here) Noel? That’s the scariest name for an act of nature they could come up with? When I think of the name Noel, I don’t think of a storm hell-bent on death and torment. I think of the albino midget on the corner who plays Christmas songs all year long for change on his pan flute. You know, the exact opposite of something that can kick your ass. I imagine the morons in the government don’t want to scare the half-wits who continue to live in places where hurricanes happen yearly. So they coddle them with cute names for storms that tear houses apart like Kleenex. Noel, Andrea, Dean, Erin, etc. Doesn’t the National Hurricane Center know we’re at war? And the only way to act when a nation is at war is to terrify its citizens to such an extreme that they’ll do anything you want to make the fear go away. With this in mind, this is my sample list of hurricane names that will make the most stoic person crap their pants and run to greener pastures. Just like the National Hurricane Center, I’m only going from A-W, skipping “Q” and “U.” If those lazy government bastards don’t use them, I won’t either. As you’re reading this list, try them out loud. In your most serious voice, say “____ is dangerously approaching the southern coast of Florida,” and “Today, Hurricane ___ claimed the lives of over four hundred people.” ASIMO - Yeah, I know. You’re scratching your head at this point. But what is scarier than a robot? Especially a robot that can obey commands, walks by itself, and takes care of the day to day functions of your life? All they have to do is throw up some pictures of ASIMO whenever the newscasters talk about the carnage, and it’ll make your skin crawl. BLOODLUST CASTRO - Cuba has a lot of hurricanes, too. With a little propaganda on our end, we could have people growing more and more afraid of the red menace! DADDY - Because really, when you think of your first introduction to suffering and pain, he’s sort of the tour guide of it all. EARLY GRAVE FRANKENSTEIN GOD’S WRATH - Fact: most people who are affected by hurricanes are simple-minded, very religious people. If we play their game and call this natural occurrence proof that God hates them, it’ll really mess with their head. HAVOC - It’s a very cool word. Used in Roman times by the generals to mean, “kill each and every person and take no prisoners!” IRAQ - There’s not a lot of support for the war at the moment. Why not put a little manipulation to good use? That way, we can trick people into wanting to continue to war. They’ll think, “Sure, we are killing a lot of innocent people over there, but look what they did to Texas.” JOHN WAYNE GACY - Once you are convicted of being a serial killer, I say the government has the right to use your name and likeness as much as possible to scare people, when needed. All it will take is a picture of this guy in clown garb and you’ll speed up evacuations by fifty percent! KILLING SPREE LAST RITES MONTEZUMA’S REVENGE NICKELBACK - This name works on two levels; one, the band Nickelback produces some of the worst music of all time. Anybody with taste will get the hell out of Dodge if they think they’re coming to their town. Two, tweens eat Nickelback’s crap with a spoon, and will stab their grandmothers in the back to get to a Nickelback concert. Thus, the smart people will live, and the dumb people will die. Man, I love science! OMEN PESTILENCE RAPID BLOOD LOSS STEPHANY - Because the bitch is just crazy, ya’ll. Did you catch her pathetic song parody lyrics last week? Man, it made my eyes bleed. TREACHERY VENGEANCE WIDOWMAKER - It has a nice western feel to it, and makes it very clear that the strong will NOT survive. Any other bright ideas for hurricane names? Email me! LINUS - Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

Happy Friday Readers!! [EDITOR'S NOTE: Make sure to read Vans' recent article here which touches on people who say things like "Happy Friday" - Tonto] For the last several weeks I have spent my extremely precious time here in this space attempting to both educate and enlighten you all. This has been more strenuous that you can possibly hope to imagine. You aren’t all dullards. Many of you are even worse than dullards. Quickly count your chromosomes. How many 21st chromosomes do some of you have? I digress… I have earned a well deserved break from my efforts at uplifting you. So, this week instead of my usual excellent advice sprinkled within my true life adventures as a published author of children’s books I offer you SONG! My hope is that you will put down your own troubles for just a few minutes and sing along with me. I have taken some of my favorite heartfelt tunes and updated them with words that will mean so much more to you than the original lyricist could have possibly intended. If for some reason you don’t know these extremely popular and timely ballads, please consult the lyrics to the original, albeit somewhat inferior, version. High Achiever Fever (sung to the tune of Cat Scratch Fever by Theodore Nugent) Hell, I don’t know where I come from And I sure am glum Grams is Beulah and dad’s Lanny And I don’t know how they did it But they sure did it good Took advantage of young little me They gave me High Achiever Fever High Achiever Fever They gave me High Achiever Fever High Achiever Fever Well the first time that I got it I was just 8 years old I got it cuz we were so poor Well I wrote just like a doctor Beulah sold my fake cures Then she took me on tour They gave me High Achiever Fever High Achiever Fever They gave me High Achiever Fever High Achiever Fever I’m Sanctimonious So please refrain I’m not gonna change You know you want me But hey I’m not sane I want grown men to cry, cry Until they are stone dead Well I’ve written kids books fer More years than I can stand I know I can do more, you see And I know just where to go When I need a lovin man I think his name is Schmoozeee I’ll give him High Achiever Fever High Achiever Fever I saw a tiny Mime-er wiener Tiny Mime-er weiner I said Vans’s a punked out schemer Punked out schemer Bustamante is a geezer He is a geezer I say Tonto is a teaser But not a pleaser Yeah! Fibber Gene (sung to the tune of Killer Queen by Queen) He keeps moaning and chanting In his petty whine? you bet “Please Steph don’t fake” he says Just like a marionette Built like a tragedy No ecstasy, full agony And anytime his invitation It Won’t be declined Messy car and filthy pets Well versed in Buddhist Text Exorbitantly priced He’s a Fibber Gene Talks louder and is mean I would smite his face and spleen But I need to keep in mind… More Jail time Extra Average body size Even so he’s not that nice “Want some fries?” To cause consternations He always did the “lie and impress” In complications He spoke like it was my mess! Met a girl from MySpace Went down to her taco place Then again not accidentally My love he maligned Presume him bastardly to share us! (bastardly) For monogamy he couldn’t care less Hair hideous! and Like’s rice He’s a Fibber Gene Talks louder and is mean I would smite his face and spleen But I need to keep in mind… More Jail time Don’t care if he’s fat, I was willing as Playful and a pouty brat Then at the moment he got his action Customarily fell asleep But the sex was absolutely mild, mild He’s not gonna get me He’s a Fibber Gene Talks louder and is mean I would smite his face and spleen But I need to keep in mind… More Jail time Lastly, let everyone’s weekend be filled with the sense of anticipation and new beginnings that mine will certainly have. After all, I’ve found an new moderately attractive new friend with a guest room, several ambivalent male friends and easy to impersonate signature. I’ll be getting my vitamin V for sure! Good luck in Life and Love! Stephany Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of childrens books (“The Best of Me”, “2nd of July” and “Mild, Mild, Oh So Very Mild”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

For Immediate Release. It’s official. Nobody likes clowns. Nobody thinks clowns are funny. In fact, a majority of people advocate non-lethal violence against them. This is the lowest clown approval rating in over four decades. (Clown approval ratings have only been registered since 1958.) According to a recent poll, conducted scientifically at www.TontoAndFriends.com, one-half of all Americans see clowns as “God's little discount piñata - beat the crap outta 'em!” This number is a stark contrast when compared to recent clown approval statistics, which have hovered around a 40% approval rate for much of the past decade. In fact, only 5% polled said clowns were, “A little piece of sunshine.” “I think the poll numbers point to a larger issue,” says Tonto and Friends political correspondent, Bustamante. “People are fed up with ineffective clowning. It’s become all about the process of becoming a clown instead your one’s actual ability to clown.” A fifth of voters said that clowns are, “People who touch me in no-no places.” What was once a nasty stereotype and material for satirists might actually turn out to be true. “They’re a bunch of lousy hypocrites,” says Tonto and Friends culture expert, Vans McCoy. “These people claim to be all about the family and old fashion values… when they’re a bunch of kiddie fiddling scumbags.” Another 5% of voters claimed that clowns are nothing more than “Seltzer-spraying, nose-honking, joy-buzzing bullies.” Again, this is a drastic change from previous thoughts on clowns, who, up until 1988, were looked upon as strong, no-nonsense, responsible, comedians. “They bully people who they perceive to be lower than them,” says Tonto and Friends literary expert, Stephany Ericson. “It was like back when I was a kid and I was locked in the basement until ‘the food shortage in America went away.’ It took three months.” Perhaps the most shocking results from the poll were the 20% of voters who said that clowns are, “Much, much less talented than mimes.” For most of the 20th century, mimes were looked down upon as the lowest common denominator of the entertainment world… even lower than mid-afternoon karaoke performers who worked the nursing home circuit. However, it’s an attitude that’s quickly changing. “It’s about fucking time too,” says Linus, The Angry Mime, Tonto and Friends’ resident… um, writing mime. “Mime’s have been smeared, slighted, and spat upon for too long. The next time I see or hear anyone saying a good thing about a clown, I seriously gonna rip an organ from their body and sell it on eBay.” - Tonto and Friends is a collective of some of the top comedy writers and life bloggers on the planet. They come from all parts of the globe and various life experiences. Together, they bring a daily source of humor and useful life information.