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By Slocomb Jones New Years is my favorite holiday. Everyone is out late. Everyone gets drunk. Everyone is happy and enjoying life for no other reason than just because. And many, many, many people end up enjoying an evening’s sleep out on the street. It’s like I welcome my fellow man into my world for a night. I’ve had some great New Years. I happened to have celebrated it in places where many historic things have gone down. I was there. And I remember most of it. 5.) 12 day strike in New York begins – 1966 - Don’t quiz me on the details, but a bunch of people decided they didn’t want to work anymore and still wanted money for doing nothing. That’s a cause I believe in, so I joined in on their strike. They asked me if I was going to go back to work. I laughed in their face. They welcomed me like family. We celebrated New Years for almost two weeks, but then my brothers went back to work. I guess they didn’t support the cause strongly enough. 4. The day I stuck with my brand - 1971 – Man, you gotta hate politicians. First, they get all militant on squatter’s rights, and then they say you can’t advertise a smoke on TV. When you’re in my profession, you usually aren’t allowed shopping time at the local mini-mart. Most of the time, they’re still mad from when you paid in change the last time (hey, money’s money). How’s a working man supposed to know what’s new on the market? Beats me. That’s why I still smoke Kool. 3. The Jungle stops being fun – 1995 - New Years is supposed to be a day of excitement and explosions. Not according to the people in Vietnam, who banned firecrackers on Tet, which is January 1. I did some investigating, which is pretty easy because there’s a lot of fellas who been to Vietnam in my field. They, like me, laugh at the idea of no firecrackers in Vietnam. In fact, many said that all they did in Vietnam while they were there was surprise the local people by setting off lots of super firecrackers. That’s exciting. That’s a New Years! 2. The reason I missed Vietnam – 1995 - The firecracker banning left me with no plans, so in early December, I hitched (lived in a cargo box) on to one of them science ships that I guessed was heading towards Europe. All was well, the sea was calm, and I was out getting some food while most of the crew slept. Next thing I know, all of a sudden a giant, I’m talking giant, wave comes from out of nowhere. It was like a George Clooney movie or something though we all lived. I didn’t get to see the wave too much because the crew woke up and I had to quickly get back to my stateroom. 1. One of us makes it big – 1990 - In my line of work, crack is very popular. Many use it, and many enjoy it a little too much. Upward mobility is usually frowned upon in my business, but there comes a time when you have to put that aside to celebrate the success (which is also frowned upon) of one. David Dinkins is elected mayor of New York.... [EDITOR’S NOTE: I’m going to cut the rest of this out because it’s clear that Slocomb confused Marion Barry for David Dinkins. I apologize. - Tonto] - Slocomb Jones has been a professional bum for over 50 years. In April 2007, he officially announced his retirement as a bum, and has segued into a successful second career as a retired bum and part-time bum coach/advisor. Ironically, he’s busier now that he’s retired than he’s ever been in his entire life.

By The Schmooz Hey there, sugar plums and candied hams! I trust that each and every one of you is having a delicious and sticky holiday season. All your hard work and attention to detail has paid off: months of planning to find that special gift or action that would make your lover’s heart ring like a bell. No amount of time or effort is wasted, so long as you are able to produce that moment of unbridled joy that comes from showing you truly appreciate and love them. But what if your holiday hasn’t turned out so rosy? What if you didn’t have the time or the abilities to give your special someone the gift they want? Instead of spending December 25th strapped to your favorite butterfly sex swing with your eager and nimble fellatrix, you found yourself in pretty hot water. You thought a gift certificate or worse – nothing - could bring proof of your fervent and grateful love. Gifts ain’t about money, dear readers. They’re about pricking up your ears and being in tune to the music your lover makes. Without any effort at all, you can unearth your lover’s interests to discover they may want a new pair of nipple rings instead of, say, a cordless drill or a weight loss book. If you’ve struck out this year, I want to you to pay attention. The Professor of Pleasure, your pal Schmooz, has a class now in session just for you. Here are some common gift mistakes and solutions so you can avoid another holiday stuck carving your own Christmas ham, if you get my drift. 1)Diamonds - Any lover who tells you they want diamonds as a gift are basically saying they don’t know what would make them happy. Don’t settle for this gift. It’s really just a very expensive version of a gift certificate. And you should know by now that gift certificates make great stocking stuffers, but terrible gifts, ya dig? No one in the history of gift-giving has ever had mind-blowing, headboard-pounding loving as a result of a gift certificate to the Pottery Barn. So, if your lover hints for this gift, press harder and find out what truly excites them. Is there a painter whose work gets her in the mood? Has she always wanted a love song written about her? Is she a closet masochist who is just waiting for the right bondage gear to keep her happy and chained to your bed? Take your time; your research will pay off a thousand fold. 2)Any gifts that fall into “Gift of the Magi” territory - In case you don’t remember O Henry’s classic short story, two lovers each sell the things they love to buy gifts for one another. The gifts they buy, however, are for the items each lover already sold. Lovers without the bread to get gifts end up making this type of mistake the most. Again, good gifts don’t have to cost very much. You can make something for your lover by hand, such as a picture frame of the two of you, or a glass phallus. You know, something right from the heart. 3)Clothing - As sexy as the right article of clothing can be on a lover, if you’re foolish enough to buy clothes as a gift, you might as well cock a gun to your head and pull the trigger. It’s a terrible game of Russian Roulette, any way you play it. A good lover like your buddy Schmooz knows that lovers come in all wonderful shapes and sizes. The last thing you want to do, however, is to open the door where your lover keeps all their body issues and fears. And trust me, no matter what size you think your sweetie is, if you’re buying them a sexy negligee, you’re going to be wrong. Too large, and they’ll think you see them as ugly. Too small, and they’ll become depressed that they don’t meet your expectations. Just avoid clothes, readers! You’ll thank me. Any other gift ideas people should avoid? Email me! THE SCHMOOZ - Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.

By The Schmooz Hey there, ornaments and icicles! Thanks to the sweet caress of mother nature, we’re approaching the winter comforts of the holiday season. A time when the temperature chills and our urge to huddle against one another for warmth and satisfaction grows brighter than a Duraflame log. It’s the perfect time to ignite a brand new romance, turn strangers and friends into lovers, and give thanks to the constant lovers one has in their lives. But how, you may ask? It’s such a stressful season. The shopping, the finances, the influx of long-lost friends and family who can take your mojo out to the woodshed and club it dead, dead, dead. Simple, fair reader. You gotta bring music into your life. Especially Christmas music. I’m not talking about no sick, treacly novelty acts speeding up their voices, or pop stars with nary a thimble of passion squealing out another bored cover of a once terrific song. I’m not talking about “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.” You dig? Here’s what the Schmooz has on the CD player this Christmas – the songs that make you wanna push your worries aside, cuddle up next to the nearest sensual creature, sip a cup of cheer, and let the goddess Ecstasy have her moment right there by the fireplace: 1) “The Christmas Song” sung by Nat King Cole - Lovers, I don’t care if you’re ugly as sin. I don’t care if your hair is falling out in clumps, or your clothes don’t match. All you gotta do is sit a lover down with a sniffer of fine brandy, some glasses and a warm fire, and just play this song. If you’re not singing the wonderful song of coitus by the night’s end, I will personally perform for free for you at your next holiday shindig. Nat King Cole is everything a lover wants to be: smooth, precise, and sexy as hell. 2) “Little Drummer Boy” sung by Bing Crosby and David Bowie - It’s got so many levels, ya dig? The old and dying year, personified by Crosby and the new and exciting year to come, in the form of Bowie. Plus, they’re both at the top of their game on this recording. It’s nice and slow, which helps time your thrusts, too. That way, you avoid any unnecessary yuletide apologies later. 3) “Christmas in Jail” sung by The Bobs - They’re one hep group. And because Christmas music should be a little silly sometimes, here’s a ditty about a poor fellow who got himself drunk as a skunk and has to spend the holidays behind bars. You can’t help but laugh and unwind. And a laughing lover is an appreciative and reciprocating lover, ya dig? 4) “Baby, it’s Cold Outside” sung by Dean Martin - This is one hell of a tough song to pull off. You sing it too cold, and you come off like a shy one who’s never kissed someone in the heat of passion. Too aggressive, and it sounds less like a delicious night of whoopee and more like the makings of sexual assault, ya dig? Dean Martin is the man to striking that balance. He’s sensual without trying to be sexy at all, and that will just rub off on you and your lover, while you’re rubbing one another. Plus, unlike many other covers of this song, Dean’s singing this not to just one, but a whole chorus of women! Nothing captures the Christmas spirit like a perfectly cheerful orgy! Any other Christmas songs that put you in the mood? Email me! The SCHMOOZ - Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.

By Bustamante

I listen to The Beatles. I know who the walrus is.

I jam Led Zeppelin.

I’ve licked a toad and watched "Dark Side of the Moon" linked with The Wizard of Oz.

I know subliminal. Keep this in mind.

So, the big news in politics is the Huckabee Christmas ad with a subliminal image of a cross in the background.



People are outraged.

Huckabee denies that it was intentional.

Yeah, and?

That’s why they call them subliminal. He has to deny it.

Honestly, it’s a pretty weak “hidden message.” I mean, after all, it’s a Christmas ad. The cross represents 66.6% of the word Christmas, so what’s the big deal?

Is this the first time a politician has used subliminal imagery to enhance their campaign? Hell no. It won’t be last. It’s not even the best example of a subliminal message ever done by a politician.

Take a good look at some of these other examples of subliminal messages embedded in our political history.

1864 – Lincoln vs. George B. McClellan



The above ad seems simple enough, right? With Lincoln, you get Liberty. Lincoln towers supreme and comforts the little man with an awkward handshake while people of all color play free. Note the flag is straight up in the air.

What’s on the other side?

Ummm, if you haven’t notice, on the other side of that poster is Joseph Fucking Stalin!!! And he’s utilizing a very effeminate handshake.

Stark power and social freedom all in one package. Speaking of packages, look at the way the flag sits in Stalin's America!

That scared America even in its infancy… actually, I guess we were in our hormonal pre-teens at that point.

Fact: Had Lincoln not won the election, Stalin begins his reign of slave auctioning terror decades earlier.

1844 – James K. Polk vs. Henry Clay



Looks like your standard 19th century candidate poster. As we were taught in American Beauty: Look Closer.

What do you see?

Candidates for President and Vice President? Wrong.

I see a demonic creature of the night.

- Flashy European style hair-do
- High collar resembling a cloak
- Over extended bow tie looking thing that covers the neck (and covering any possible neck wounds)
- Pointy chin
- Pale skin. Even in Black and White it’s very clear
- Dark black eyes

James K. Polk was a vampire!

Or so he cleverly implied to the literate population. Vampires are powerful creatures who are very capable of leading the masses.

Polk would go on to satiate the public’s blood lust with the Mexican/American War.

People ask how could we elect morons, crooks, and Alzheimer’s patients… well, back before we knew any better, we elected a vampire.

1856 John C. Fremont vs. James Buchanan

Who is John C. Fremont? Well, he was the first ever Republican Presidential candidate. He really thought he was the shit too.



I mean I expect some hyperbole in politics, but a 400ft. sword-wielding monster? You’ve got to be kidding me.

He’s standing atop the highest point of the Rocky Mountains here without even a cold weather jacket or face protection.

He was also, ironically, the first victim of what would come to be known “republican style swift boat” campaign attack ads ripe with subliminal messages.



Looks like a line of people looking for answers from the new Republican candidate, but NO…

From left to right: a well-educated intellectual, a young woman who wants to be equal, a bum looking for a handout, a woman who wants to screw, the Catholics, and a black man wanting to **gasp** be equal.

Of course, Fremont said he would help these people. Unfortunately, he lost the election and the Republicans forever abandoned those principals.

Forget the second coming of Reagan… where’s the second coming of John C. Fremont?

1904 Eugene V. Debs vs. Teddy Roosevelt vs. Alton Brooks Parker



My personal favorite. What do you see?

- Hard work
- Successful Industry
- Prosperous commerce
- Forward Progress
- Well-trimmed educated people
- Able-bodied men
- Craftsmanship
- Votes adding up
- The beat of the future

Is that what you see?

Me? I just see a Presidential candidate.

I’m Bustamante, and I approve this message.

- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.

By Stephany Ericson Currently we are in a time of year traditionally given over to the exchanging of gifts, the baking of treats, and mostly, the re-introduction of some ugly past family squabbles. Welcome to the HOLIDAY SEASON! If one remembers Holiday Seasons past, making a list of treasures to wish for was among the most eagerly awaited tasks when a youngster. Cataloging things desired and sending it off to the North Pole with the knowledge that one’s good behavior was the only barter needed possessed one’s young Spritley with a special kind of comfort. The anticipation of the impending Holiday was many times nearly unbearable. In time one learned that the Day was not solely about gifts, but at that time, in a young mind it was certainly paramount. Receiving many of those wished-for gifts on Christmas morning, in a state of glee, will remain strong and cherished memories for many of us. Why let that state of glee cease now that we are world beating adults? Why end the tradition of wish list making at a time when our bone density wanes? Is it really intelligent to give up that tingly sense of anticipation only because we no longer favor chocolate milk over Chardonnay? This Holiday Season get back to your roots of happiness. Create a wish list. Send it to someone Jolly. Anticipate! If you are like me, your desired items may manifest themselves in another human being. Someone lovely, funny, intelligent, and quite attainable - for me. For you my readers, I’m guessing that this person may in many cases be far above your station in life. Not to worry. Auntie Stephany is here to help as always with my Spritely born wisdom. How to attract someone WAY above your level. 1. None for me thanks - People in the upper social stratosphere are often quite physically attractive. How else would they get there? These “babes” are used to having many sexual escapades, because people apparently enjoy being naked with attractive people as opposed to how some of you look. Most of the time these attractive people will not even look at you twice. Unless they somehow find out that you don’t want to be with them… then they suddenly will become very attracted to you. Find a way to sidle up to a knockout you are attracted to and say something that will let them know they have no chance of getting in your pants any time soon: “I feel so refreshed after my celibacy class.” “Freedom from my libido has allowed me to get a 35% return on my investments” “Abstinence IS like getting 5 stars on Guitar Hero!” “I just took 5 vicodin and I am so NOT horny-but I will be very sleepy in 15 minutes.” These simple, subtle statements will peak their curiosity in your loins. That’s on your wish list right? 2. Time for your Review - The fleshy gifts you seek have upwardly mobile jobs. But there is always someone more upward. Make that someone be you! Use the work ethic you’ve received in lieu of good looks to place you in a position to judge the performance of delightful desirables. At review time, which most often coincides with gift giving time, suggest ways that they can immediately secure a more corner office, more lucrative profit sharing, and more frivolous work related responsibility. These suggestions should not be of too obvious a nature. But they do need to emphatically hint toward want you really want. “You know, you could do more around the workplace. Such as putting the stapler away…in my cleavage (notice how I did not say, “you may touch my cleavage”... essential to remain mysterious). “If you moved some of the furniture around once every few weeks that would certainly increase efficiency around here. Now, let’s test out your posture... get behind me.” “Do you like the way I eat this Candy Cane?” See, it’s easy! 3. Anyone have a band-aid? - The last way to help yourself to your most treasured under-tree skin fun is to playfully employ some holiday maladies, or at least the suggestion that you are suffering and need some TLC. Even people who think they are above you will be implored to assist in this time of Holiday cheer! Give these a try when near a gorgeous piece of prey: “Oh dear… I do believe the Mall bustle will bring on one of my asthma attacks. Would you be so kind as to apply my inhaler? I think it’s in the back seat… under the Victoria’s Secret bag” “Excuse me?… Hello? Hi, I saw you come in here… and there is no Toilet tissue in the Ladies Room… can I come in your stall and borrow some from yours? Oh my… there is room for 2 in here, barely though” “It’s a shame to have this disease that will probably not allow me to see the new year… thank goodness it hasn’t affected my appearance or my sexual drive… can you help me with some medicine?” If the people you have chosen are any good at all, they will adhere to the “it is better to give than receive” motto. You will be receiving wonderful Xmas affection until you tell them to go away in a week or two depending on their skill and ability to forget. Until we meet again dear readers. Have a happy and productive Holiday Hunting Season. Stephany - Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children’s books (“Pasta Rat”, “Compromises are for Sissy’s” and “Daddy Loves Mommy Even in the Middle of the Night”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

by Alfred E. Neumann's bastard son, Matthias

[EDITOR's NOTE: I would like to take this moment to welcome a genuine guest writer to Tonto and Friends. He's a very talented and very funny writer, and we're happy to him sitting in with our jazz band today... so to speak. I'm really excited about today's article, and I'm looking forward to having more articles from him. Without any further adieu, I would like to welcome today's guest writer, Alfred E. Neumann's bastard son, Matthais!

You can read more of Matty's work by visiting him HERE

- Tonto]

I was sitting with a few friends the other night while bowling and drinking heavy amounts of warm, swamp ass inducing draught beer when I came up with this doozy of an idea.

I've found that how I examine my own life mirrors that of John Cusack's character in the movie "High Fidelity." We both have the semi-rare ability to come up with various lists of useless bullshit songs and movies and how that list applies to real life. I figured that this list however, was good enough to submit to Blender Magazine, the entertainment rag that is famous for these lists. I'm sure they have yet to think of this one.

It is my list of the "Top Ten Songs One Should Never, Ever Get Laid To, but You probably Could... or Have."

So, here you go.

And I excluded a few ideas thrown my way, like Don Johnson's Heartbeat



... and the theme song from The Golden Girls. I respect those people with sexual fascinations with Bea Arthur, but, can't do it.



Sorry.

*************************************************************
10. The Dead Kennedys - Too Drunk To Fuck



Ahh, the song title sounds wonderful, but don't be fooled. This one is more than likely a rare one for most of you folks, some of you I am sure are saying, "Who the hell are the Dead Kennedys?"

They are a band formed in 1978, complete with the Punk attitude of the 1970's with a bunch of that 80's flair. They are notorious for their acerbic and sarcastic songs. This song was from 1981, but you can hear it in the latest theatrical relaese Grindhouse.

So why is it on this list? Great question. It's a totally sarcastic song, one which I take great humor in listening to. With lyrics that include, "You give me head, it makes it worse... take out your fuckin' retainer and put it in your purse... and now I got diahrrea," this has to make the list, if only at 10.

Not exactly words that say, "Hey baby! Let's go play 'just the tip.'" But, get a chick hammered enough and pull out the CD cover and you might have a shot.

Enough said.

9. Nirvana - Rape Me



Do I even have to explain myself with this one? I do? I will.

I used to live with a guy at college that played this song non-stop in our dorm room while playing Super Nintendo "Tecmo Bowl" (yes, I'm fuckin' THAT old) and he would laugh his ass off to the lyrics. Lyrics that say: "My favorite inside source, I'll kiss your open sores. I appreciate your concern, you're gonna stink and burn."

Pretty raunchy, for sure. The sad part is, he actually did get it on with quite a few ladies with this song on the CD player. All the while I was waiting out in the student lounge on my floor shaking my head and hoping he could pull and pray soon so I could get back to resuming my underage drinking habit.

I would never think about hiding the salami to this song, and neither should you.

That's why it is here.

8. (tie) Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up and Cutting Crew - I Just Died in your Arms Tonight




I couldn't separate the two since they are from the same time period, the 80's, and quite frankly, scream "looks like I'm gonna be masturbating" more than any tunes ever created in history.

Do you remember hearing Rick Astley's song and thinking, "he looks like THAT?" Some white guy that could pass for Aaron Neville. I did.

And the Cutting Crew... one look a the photo tells me everything I need to know.

Back to the songs. They are cheesy, synthesized and gratuitously overproduced. Or, the term we could use in today's lingo... they fuckin' suck.

But, I'm sure they worked like a charm when they were popular. Just like I am sure they work like gangbusters at the 30's and up singles joints that I seem to be frequenting of late. Who wouldn't love to fumble around with some Viagra and KY Jelly to these songs? Especially if you are a pasty white, red-headed pink-weinered guy or a mullet-wearing, leather pants kind of guy?

My advice? Take Nancy's advice and just say no.

7. L'il Kim - Do What You Like



If I hear this song, I assure you that my first thought isn't whether or not I'll get to play Naked Twister while wearing a diamond studded thong. And as fun as that sounds and as much as I'd LOVE to give it a shot, I'd be afraid that the woman I'd be with would get as angry as L'il Kim seems to be with this release.

It sounds as if Kimmie-Poo is in it for some good ol' fashioned Hannibal Lecter cunnilingus with a dessert of a 12" leather strap on and while that might be cool with 1% of the human male population, it isnt for me.

Rough can be OK... assault with the intent to maim or injure... uh, not so much.

Therefore, it makes this list.

6. Tim McGraw - Don't Take The Girl



While it is my personal preference to include pretty much every damn Country song on my own list, in the interest of time, I'll whittle it down to one... maybe two.

OK. This song is sappy, slow, nice, and a bit twangy... all things that normally get most woman leaving snail marks on leather seats faster than a 50 horsepower "Pink Jelly Vibe."

I have to include it becuase it is depressing as hell. It is typical of the country music stereotype. Let's take a peek, shall we?

Now we got his dad cock blocking the poor kid at 8 years old. Thanks pops. How's that moonshine treating you?

Then a few years down the road, they get the wonderful experience of getting robbed at gunpoint. I'm getting turgid just thinking about it.

And finally, he just had a kid, but his mama is fading faster than a High School Prom Queen on roofies.

The only possible sexual innuendo provided with this song is my own... with the roofie comment.

The odds are in a guys favor with this one, however. Simply because:

a.) it's Tim McGraw and he has some powerful tractor beam on any human with a vagina and...
b.) it'll induce depression and crying on a shoulder, therefore some taking advantage of after a long night of sucking back Budweiser bottles.

No argument here.

5. Eric Clapton - Tears In Heaven



I know, I know. How dare I take a sentimental tune and drag it through my personal septic tank? I understand that the song itself is a tribute to EC's son tumbling a few (53) stories off of his mothers NYC balcony and dying and I do not want to rip a tune that is as such.

Sad shit.

All the more reason NOT to play ride the donkey to this song.

When I was in High School and this song made its entrance into our ears, there was a girl that I had wanted to nail for quite some time. There was an episode where I was alone in the car with her, having had to take her home after a party in which she was pretty wasted.

She was becoming flirtatious by the second... she had just been dumped by her college aged boyfriend, yada yada... and this song came on. And she became pretty randy over it, which took me by surprise to the point that I looked at her a bit wierd and asked her, "Do you know what this song is about?" To which she replied, slurring, "Isss a loovve thong."

And then she passed out. What a cock tease. My streak of "zero for high school" was alive and intact, and I can attribute that to this "loovve thong."

4. Soul Asylum - Runaway Train



Hey, turn on your radio, people. Odds are this fucking song is still garnering a lot of airtime, fifteen years after it made Soul Asylum a true one-hit wonder. With its sappy writing, its sentimental message and mind-numbing sound, this song clearly belongs on this list. It completes all of the requirements... including its message.

It's about missing kids folks. Kids that either:
a.) were kidnapped and ended up on milk cartons and the back of semis or...
b.) chose to get the hell out of Dodge because they were tired of their moronic parents doling out crazy shit... like "discipline," "working for money," "making them go to school," and "not having sex with Floyd, the 28 year old Camaro driving neighbor."

If pedophilia and the feeling of excitement of being alone for the first time as an underage kid make you harder than a Schooner Mast... have at it. But other than those circumstances, you should never get it on to this song. Period.

3. Notorious BIG...f/Sean P. Combs - Big Poppa



For the record, I dig this tune.

No, I fuckin' love it. It is old school "East Coast" rap from the mid-nineties that I can recall thinking that anyone and everyone would get laid to. And that I am sure is the case.

I might have even had some "campus mattress" call me Big Poppa for shits and giggles back in college in the mid-90's. I'm not sure, though, since I am positive that I was drinking Mad Dog 20/20 in heavy doses.

But, upon further review, I had to change my story.

Notorious B.I.G, aka Biggie Smalls, aka Christopher Wallace is (was) a pretty big fella. And its not that hefty people cannot be sexy or have no business buttering the rolls (unless they are in public) because lord knows that we all have our own idea of attractive.

Look. I'm a big fan. Really. But, I'm pretty sure that the only reason the ladies wanted to sleep with Biggie and then "feed on the way to the telly, go fill my belly, a t-bone steak, cheese eggs and welches grape" might have to do with the 20 million reasons sitting in the First Bank of Brooklyn.

Because, if he were any other person without the talent and the cabbage, he'd still be:
a.)alive
b.) still 380 bills and...
c.) still looking for his dick with a rather large mirror while sitting on his mom's toilet.

Is this what you want to picture?

2. Hinder - Lips of An Angel



This song is the single biggest reason that the pregnancy rate amongst unmarried, late-teen, early-twenty-somethings spiked to a record high in Michigan over the past nine months.

And that is a fact, based on my personal observations and a hunch.

So, it is clear to me that people are lubing up and going at it to this one. Again, it has all the glaringly wonderful characteristics of a great fuck tune. It is sappy, it is slow, it makes everyone feel sad, yet not alone because we all are in this situation... sob!

What situation? Austin Winkler, the lead singer for Hinder, claims that the song is not about cheating.

OK, Austin. Lets look, shall we?

The fact that some home wrecker is calling a guy she is too emotionally unstable to let go of, while he is in another relationship and he is obliging because he is clearly of good conscience and loyal to his new love interest... leading to some trysts in the back of a parking garage or the backseat of a Chevette?

Gotcha. But, hey, for the sake of making sure that woman is no longer, "hurtin' for a squirtin'" I guess that makes it OK.

1. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge



Great song. Great album. Really a breakthrough into the mainstream for the Red Hot Chili Peppers; dudes that had to battle a whole hell of a lot in order to get where they needed to be.

The song itself sounds like a great ballad, one that we got so used to from the hair bands of the late 80's... only without the really stupid choloflourocarbon / ozone killing output from all that damn hairspray.

Mr. Keidis describes his lonliness, his depair, his sadness and it makes you feel as if he has just lost a true loved one and you cannot help but feel sorry for the guy.

Good for getting it on, right?

Uh, no. That experience he is talking about is his raging addiction to Heroin, an introspective look at his times shooting up with a Mexican gang and how he was stuck on the streets of Los Angeles left to cope with and find a way to not die and get his life back on track.

If intravenous drug use, dirty needles, and blood squirting after shooting up get you in the mood for pounding the pink taco... then this is your kind of song.

Happy Humping, People!

By Linus, the Angry Mime. Hey. You all know that I don’t speak. I gave it up years ago. But if I did, I’d march right over to Merriam-Webster, grab the first person I saw, and really tear into them with a stream of the most vicious profanity they had ever experienced. My torrent of rage would be so cancerous that their flesh would bubble and smoke! Why, you ask? This. Apparently, you internet morons have convinced people who make dictionaries that “w00t” is a real word and should be the 2007 Word of the Year. IT’S NOT A GODDAMN WORD!! I’d already be at the corporate offices of Mirriam-Webster right now with a crowbar and as much salt as I could carry, if it wasn’t for this ankle bracelet and the whole house arrest thing. (by the way, Stephany, I sent you those diapers because you’re becoming a big old burkah baby – reread your last posts if you don’t believe me. Boo flippy hoo, my life isn’t what I wanted it to be and now I’m a crazy, crazy, crazy woman who talks to trees. Do what everyone else does – just shut up and drink until the happiness sinks in!) Hey, it’s what I did. I was pretty steamed after reading the news about Mirriam-Webster. Sure, it’s always been the cheap, crack-addled stepsister of dictionaries, but at least it wasn’t the walking lobotomy patient known as the American Heritage Dictionary. It had some freaking standards. Also, it was heavy enough to knock out a pimp if you were ever short on funds after an entertaining evening. But, luckily the FBI agents who’ve been watching over me discovered the homemade still in my place and started making their own holiday version of eggnog. If the FBI was as good at fighting crime as they are at making drinks, America would be like Mayberry in no time! Deliciously drunk on a combination of antifreeze, egg whites, and cinnamon, I crafted the following words which can now belong in the same hallowed company as the reviled “w00t.” If I don’t see them online by Monday at Mirriam-Webster – well, let’s just say that you’re in for a real treat, you word nerds! 1) Mornography (noun) - A specific type of pornography, relating to depictions of pantomime artists. Not a day goes by that I don’t strive to find some good, skin-polishing mornography. 2) Tontoed (verb) - To become knocked unconscious, usually with a miniscule amount of force. All I did was trip the minister, and the poor guy was tontoed for days. 3) Merkinaire (noun) - Someone who becomes wealthy in a controversial method of commerce. Mad Dog Perkins became an instant merkinaire when it was discovered that clown fetuses cure male pattern baldness. 4) Splew (noun) - A particular type of arterial blood spray that resembles a floral arrangement. After an hour of mashing the tax collector’s brains with my shoe, his splew resembled a bouquet of orchids. 5) Chirbs (noun) - People who are begging to be mugged. Those tourists with the lime green fanny packs counting their cash in the alley are prime chirbs. 6) Scaggle (verb) - To haggle over the rate of consensual services. The prostitute wanted one fifty for a Captain Crunch, but I was able to scaggle her down to eighty bucks, as long as it took five minutes. 7) Sextration (noun) - Irritation and pain that results in not completing sexual intercourse. I only had twenty dollars, so being denied some hardcore Captain Crunch gave me chronic sextration. 8) Passercide (noun) - A death in a public place that is made to look like the person killed themselves. After leaning his body over the side of the railing, I was able to turn a robbery cocked up into a clean case of passercide. 9) Nognomit (noun) - Bile and retching that emerges the day after ingesting homemade eggnog. Today, I was clutching the sides of the toilet bowl for hours, a furious and unyielding hurricane of nognomit pressing out of my throat. 10) Crobarbeque (noun) - A method of cooking, wherein the meat is first tenderized with a crowbar, and then salted and roasted until the animal dies. I serve my crobarbeque rare. Anyone who’s nearby the Mirriam-Webster corporate headquarters is welcome to being your favorite side dishes and have a taste! Any words you’ve thought of that belong in the dictionary? Email me! LINUS - Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

By Stephany Ericson

Hark!!

Well… another day arrives.

While I am under somewhat of a “mood cloud” with my discovery of my status as a “waste of time” in the lives of those whom I thought close to me, I also realize that each new day gives us the opportunity to choose our own emotion, to pick our own attitude, to select our own joie de vivre methodology.

And, since it’s been 2 weeks since I’ve visited Rite-Aid… today gives me the opportunity to acquire a fresh new bottle of little blue therapy’s.

My neighbor:


...also recently had an office Holiday party.

I don’t know my neighbor well, but tragically for her, she left her car window down over night. That is how I found these lovely bottles of white wine.

And the bows, which look fantastic on my naked skin.

Who knew I was a “Fall?” The wine is a bit too fruity for me-like that boyfriend from a few months ago…but just like then… this will do the trick.

What trick you ask? Well… to put me in the proper frame of mind for the giving season of course. Because all of you are in a wonderful giving spirit are you not? I see it best displayed in the parking lots of the shopping malls.

Everyone is so very ready to give up the choice parking spots. And I’ve heard nary a curse word when someone cuts in line. It’s downright festive out there. It warms my cockles. Or, that could be the 6 vicodin(s) in various states of dissolve currently gripped by both gravity and my gastric fluids.

Who cares, it’s Holiday Tiiiiime!?

Speaking of festive - I’ve had a head cold this week. I’ve named it the “festive head cold of ‘07” because everything coming out of my nostrils was a very festive Red and Green. And it was FREE!! Like the bottle of wine I just finished in one very satisfying but probably un-ladylike gulp. Who Cares? Mele Kalikimaka my online Ohana!!



I do feel a few songs coming on, but 1st I wanted to pass on one more holiday tip: If like me you are a “waste of time” to your ex-friends, lovers, mimes etc… you will have extra cash on hand since you won’t be buying gifts for them.

But, that’s no reason to not save even more $$$$$ !!!!! I LOVE CAPITOLS. Here’s how to save:

When your nieces, nephews and such visit for overnights-and they want snacks before bed, give them toast with lots of butter. Don’t let them brush before hitting the hay. When they are asleep, you can scrape the excess butter off the roofs of their mouths. Serve it to them on their oatmeal at breakfast.



I love Christmas!

And now as promised… my annual take on Christmas Carols:

To the tune of “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”

Hark, you bastard that’s my spot!
Done 50 laps around this lot!
I’ll slash your wheels and key your car
My visions’ blurred, came from the Bar
Shopping needs to be done now
Gawd! your wife looks like a cow
Does the Target here have the Wii?
I kick ass on Guitar Hero 3
Wow, you’re kids are so fat too!
Maybe a few less bowls of stew?
One last chance to leave my spot!
Even Spritely thinks you’re a twat!

To the tune of “Chestnuts Roasting”

A few nuts writing on the internet
Tonto pays us only once a month
We make you laugh daily-that’s a sure bet
There’s no word the rhymes with “month”

Ev’ryone knows now “average” body type means “fat”
I help you get your love life right
I’ve eaten ostrich felled by a bat
Write childrens books late at night

And so I offer this sage advice
“If you’ve taken one pill or 92”
Although it seems RAD please think much more than twice
Please date someone good for you.

To the tune of “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”

I’m beginning to look a lot better naked
Every sip I take
Take a look at my smooth, soft skin. Close your mouth, then again.
With mime face paint and top hat I’m aglow!

I’m beginning to look even more better
Tickets to Oregon in hand
And the sexiest sight you’ll see is the Stephany that’ll be
On your House arrest door

A pair of nail filled socks and some others with rocks
Is the wish of a screwed-up old mime
Women that breathe and with love seethe
Is the dream of our love god Schmooze
Bustamante, Vans and Tonto just want their equal time!

I’m beginning to look quite hot NAKED
Every pill I pop
Some men have made me sad, and one even made me mad
So now I drink and medicate all alone

I’m beginning to see 2 of me naked
In every mirror I see
With White wine bottle bowsies on each of my little toesies
My beauty is only mine.
Nothing like wine and Vitamin V to get rid of the Whine within me.

Happy Friday, TONTO!

- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children’s books such as
“You Beat That on Expert?”, “Momma Don’t Dance and Daddy is a Mime” and “Artist Schmartist GO GET A JOB!”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

By Stephanie Ericson

Time.

The notion of the happiness to be had by spending time with other humans has been grossly mis-represented over the years.

Do we really need companionship?

Like a bear needs his foot in a trap.

Like Ron Paul needs the middle name “Rue.”

Like Freddie Mercury needed orthodontic work.

In short, it wouldn’t help and in some cases hurts. And besides all can be found within, if one has properly stored memories.



In your past you have all had many various relationships. Some have been purely platonic. Some have been platonic with specific “benefits.”

Some purely “benefits” if you were lucky.

Some may have even included Love - either from you or, in very rare cases, from your relationship partner as well. I have now come to the knowledge that the common thread with all relationships is of course: People are a waste of time.

It may at 1st seem shocking, but I know that you, my readers, who I have uplifted these past months with wisdom from on high-know it to be true.

Top Human Time Wastes

The Funny - In your past you may have traveled across this vast land with someone who nurtured you with your fledgling abilities. These memories are most probably cherished.

But now, as the years have flown by this person only has time for a meal together once every 3 years. Get over it! It’s not like you shared common fears of the future together all those years ago.

There was no life bond built in the dingy coffee houses where together your heart-felt poetry was derided by the locals. There is absolutely nothing more to talk about now in the present. After all, you are just a silly writer and they have a very important big business to run.

Add them to your e-mail contacts and forget about them. People are a waste of time.

The Money - You may have had another person in your life that you supported both emotionally and financially - not to mention supplying the vavoom whenever requested.

You may have given this support while they were in training for a very demanding career. They may have been scared, overwhelmed, and at times ready to abandon the pursuit of their life’s dream.

But you were there full time for them to lean on. You made sure the dishes were clean, the towels folded, the food relatively healthy. Now they have achieved their career dream. Congratulations!

Without so much as a “thanks,” or “I couldn’t have done it without your sacrifice and support,” you have become less than an afterthought in their life. Suddenly everything you do is incorrect.

Is this correct? No; waste of time.

The Honey - In your new found freedom in a new town, you may have met someone who has potential. The excitement of speaking with them for hours leads to anticipation gargantuan!

All is set for a meeting, but that meeting never occurs. There is pool to be played with his buddies.

Another meeting is scheduled and actually occurs. It is marvelous in its casual simplicity.

But then the phone never rings, the e-mail notify-er never dings. There is a John Travolta movie marathon on every night. He’s a sucker for that ex-sweathog. So, is this a possible future romance?

No, a black hole of time wasting.



After surveying your past time wasting relationships… you may come to the same conclusion I have: WE are the waste of time! It’s US and we are it-although not in a “let’s play tag” sort of way-because that would insinuate companionship and camaraderie. This news is both crushingly painful, and a bright shiny new opportunity!

Now in our shared pain dear readers, we have the chance to make our lives better. There will be no more pain in giving and not receiving. There will be no more awkward subtle advances toward any potentials. There will be no more time wasting.

Check the internet for ways to have your groceries delivered to your door.

Destroy your webcam.

Throw out your make up and push ups.

Say with me: I will remove my time wasting self from your life.

Oh my gawd... what am I saying? Linus… do you have any Black face paint? I want to disappear.

Wait… my spritely says: live life for the only one worthy of your time: YOU.

Hmmmm…

- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of childrens books (“Pasta Rat”, “Compromises are for Sissy’s” and “Daddy Loves Mommy Even in the Middle of the Night”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

By The Schmooz Hey there, silver bells and fig puddings! Here we are, waist deep in the love and tenderness of the holiday season. Where candy canes play a role in luscious, sensual exploration, and stockings are hung nice and high for all to see. The sad thing, my readers, is that a lot of you can get pretty depressed around this time as well. It’s a lover’s season, and if you’re not fortunate enough to be sipping hot chocolate cheek-to-cheek with that special someone, not even the jolliest of the jolly can bring a smile to your face. That’s why you’ll find The Schmooz working his hardest this holiday season: playing concert after concert, spreading my love and joie de vivre like a cup of cheer. I am determined to help as many of the lonely this month as humanly possible. My heart is open, and my loins are flexed and limber, preparing to sing their welcome Christmas carols into the flesh of all who sorrow! Now, the biggest slap of sadness most of you face has got to be the annual holiday party at the office. An office is like a family – you don’t get a lot of say over who gets to be there, and there’s enough passive-aggressive rage, backstabbing, and unbridled alcoholism to make you feel like you’re dancing in a mine field, you dig? I’ve been invited to quite a few of these affairs over the years, and I’d like to pass on my time-tested advice on how to separate yourself from the pack and guarantee you some sweet holiday loving before the night is over: 1)When it comes to mistletoe, take care - Truth is, despite our romantic feelings about this strange plant, mistletoe is really just the leech of the plant world. It sucks everything good out of a tree. Likewise, mistletoe in the wrong context can drain all the joy out of kissing at an office party. Any fool can stick it up on the doorway when guests enter the party and demand unwanted affections. It takes a real lover to spend months and months growing your own mistletoe, and bring the bush with you to the party. As you water the mistletoe, lovers will flock to you like flies to a barbeque. A green thumb guarantees you hot and steady loving. 2)Find the office wallflower and have a blast - You’ll recognize that unique breed of lover; sitting apart from the group. Looking put together, but a little bit lost and lonely. Introduce yourself, and tell them how sick you are of all the people at the party, and how you want to mess with them and make them think you’re having way more fun they then are. Tell this shy and quiet lover that, in three seconds’ time, you’ll start laughing wildly, pretending they just told you the funniest joke ever. Then, it’ll be their turn to laugh at you. Keep this up until the dancing starts and then make a scene. It seems really silly, lovers, but I swear to you, as an artist, this will melt the heart of your garden variety wallflower and bring their loving senses to the core. You’ll be hitting the sheets with them before midnight! 3)The Quickest Way to A Lover’s Heart - Of course, I am referring to the stomach. By and large, most food at office parties is forgettable at best and an intestinal hurricane at worst. Shake up the group and surprise them by showing up with a full-fledged fondue bar. Bring an assortment of breads, cheeses and rich, rich chocolates, and spoon your savory concoctions into the mouths of all who desire. Save some chocolate sauce for later; one or two of those satisfied lovers will be sure to help you find some yuletide uses for it. Any other tips to bring forth the loving at your next office party? Email me! THE SCHMOOZ - Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship... as he is an expert, baby.

By Vans McCoy Alright. So, I’ve been doing this humor blogging thing for awhile now. It’s cool. In fact, Tonto took me with him to a blogger convention in Vegas a few weeks ago. Stayed at [CENSORED due to pending legal matter - Tonto]. Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve jacked up a hotel room. Certainly never one that swanky. Thanks, Tonto. You’re good people… sorry about getting separated from you for the last two days of the trip. I don’t know what happened, but hey… at least we met back up at the airport for a drink, right? [EDITOR’S NOTE: Yeah… Good thing, Vans.] To get to the point, here’s the types of bloggers that, for whatever reason – mainly because they were douche bags, got under my thick skin. Man, bloggers come in all shapes and sizes. A lot of these people are some of the most obnoxious folks you’ll ever meet. Honestly, I didn’t get along with too many of them. Don’t get me wrong, I hit it off real well with the cam girls from the “sorority blog” – and no, I did NOT sign their waver! The “Make Money Blogging” Blogger – Talk about the most unoriginal idea of all time. Now, the first guy who did a make money blog, good idea! Thanks for the help. To the One Million other people who regurgitate the exact same information… eat a dick. These bloggers are the equivalent of an early 90’s punk band deciding to hop on board with a major label because it’s cool to be punk. Not mentioning any names here… let’s just say there’s a lot of people out there who think it’s cool to copy something and decide to try and cash in on it. The Liberal Blogger – These guys… I guess their heart is in the right place, but c’mon… take to the streets you fucking pussies. Man, back in… shit, I guess it was ’83. It might have been ’82, and was probably ’81… whatever. Anyway, I was at a show in DC, and someone brought a couple of blow up dolls and painted them up to look Ninny Nancy and Rippin’ Ronald Reagan and everyone took a shot at them in the mosh pit. They bounced up in the air like beach balls at a baseball game. That’s left-wing politics! No one cares about voter fraud… they want to break stuff. The Conservative Blogger – Oh, boy. These guys are hilarious. They typically name their blogs with a combination of words like “think,” “self-reliance,” and “conservative.” These guys are so angry at what has happened to out country. Hey dipstick, guess what? Your side won, idiot! It won a long time ago! You’re just mad because to the victor is supposed to get the spoils right? And we all know that the ultimate spoil is getting the women that comes with the power. Funny thing is, women really aren’t into the conservative man. Ha! Ha! No wonder so many powerful Republicans suddenly “change" when it comes to sexual preferences. Let me stop you right there… no, the examples of “hot” conservative women fail. Straight up, those women are ugly. They’re ugly on the inside too. When you spend your free time singing the praises of Mitt Romney… you’re a waste of evolution. The Rude Outrageous “Comedian” Blogger – Just because you think cancer and AIDS is funny, it doesn’t mean that you’re jokes about them are. Oh, how outrageous! He’s tackling forbidden topics! How obscene! Boring! Fact: These guys are Maxim Magazine rejects who still masterbate to the fifth edition of “Truly Tasteless Jokes” Here’s a joke writing tip from your friendly neighborhood Vans McCoy: calling someone a homo isn’t a punch line. And no, videotaping yourself in your small ass studio apartment in funny outfits like a bunny suit, or a thong, isn’t real funny either. In fact, it’s disgusting. And, if you’re going to continue to do video blogs… at least fucking shave. One more thing, anyone can go do an open mic night and take a picture of themselves holding a mic. It doesn’t make you a comedian and doesn’t justify your shitty attempt at being funny. The Single Mom Blogger – In hindsight… letting that mysterious stranger buy you a 4th martini turned out to be good idea after all, huh? Now, not only are you a single mother, but now you’re a blogger. Now, you must be thinking… jeez, Vans. Chill out… See, I don’t just sit and complain about stuff I don’t like. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy single moms. All the time. They come into my video store and… you see, most independent video stores don’t cater to family films. Me, I have a section just for single moms. All kid’s videos. I make sure to help each mom find the right video for her kid. If I get the sense that mom has had a rough week, I imply to her that she can have an no string attached evening with a bad boy. You’d be surprised how many times I close up early on Friday nights… That said… I also put my money where my mouth is when it comes to single mom and their potential for blogging, which is why I pull out EVERY TIME! The Angry Poet “Deep Thinker” – You’re not mad at the world… you’re mad because you’re 35, fat, bald, and your band didn’t take off as the second coming of Pearl Jam (thank God, by the way). Nope. You’re married, you have a mortgage, a dumpy wife, multiple prescriptions for “depression,” and an office job that you hate where you’re not respected. But wait… that’s God’s fault, right? It seems strange to me that these rail in post after post and poem after vomit inducing poem about how God doesn’t exist and that people of faith are full of it… yet, they seem to give this God a lot of control over their life, don’t they. Sounds like a person of faith to me. And I’ll wrap this up by heading you off at the pass of saying, “well, you’re just another blogger, and you suck too.” I don’t suck. I’m Vans McCoy. There’s cam girls in Vegas who will testify to that. - Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for "The Magnificent Cox," played bass in "Manson’s Ranchers," and was lead guitarist for "Televised Execution." He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

By Linus, The Angry Mime

Hey.

Being under house arrest sure has given me a chance to recharge the old batteries.

I’ve already storyboarded some new performance pieces to use once they let me back on the streets – I’m gonna call ‘em “Revenge” and “Even as you’re bleeding, I’m laughing at you.”

You know, light-hearted fare for the holidays.

I’ve also had an opportunity to brush up on my people skills, since I’m never really alone in my place these days. Uniformed agents take turns watching over me to make sure I’m obeying the terms of my arrest to the letter of the law, if not the spirit.

They also tend to eat breakfast next to me as well. Quite noisily, I might add.

I’ve never been a breakfast guy, myself. Breakfast is for people who have time to slowly ease into their day. If you’re waking up with a hangover in the house of a guy whose liver is now firmly clutched in your hands, you wait until lunch to eat.

But look at me now. I’m eating breakfast at a real breakfast table, with a spoon and a bowl and cereal and everything. Living the high life!



But to those of you who think I’ve gone soft, let me make myself clear: there’s a great level of difference between the cereal a guy like me eats and a cereal that earns you a backstage pass to humiliation.

Here’s how it breaks down:

If you eat KABOOM cereal:

- You’re an annoying retro hipster who waves the box in front of people’s faces until they give in and ask you where you bought it. (I bet Vans McCoy eats this crap)
- You want marshmallow bits in your food, just as long as they look like broken, discolored teeth.
- You’re a clown. Clowns eat this crap in the hopes that that the asshole on the box will inspire them to make each person’s days a little brighter.

If you eat KELLOGGS ALL BRAN CEREAL:

- You go to sleep before 8PM every night.
- You love to brag about how regular your bowel movements are.
- Cheerios scare you because they look too festive.
- I’ve probably mugged you.

If you eat KELLOGGS FROSTED FLAKES CEREAL:

- You love the taste of cornflakes, but always wanted a quicker way to give yourself diabetes.
- You hold your bowl in your greedy little fingers and sip the sugary, milky mess until you pass out.
- You think eating a kid’s cereal is your way of being subversive (Never mind that you work for the government).

If you eat APPLE JACKS:

-“You eat what you like” – meaning, you eat what some marketing logo told you to like.
- You’re a pedophile, and you hope that keeping the cereal in your house will bring a never-ending line of kiddies to your door.
- You think this image is cute and folksy, rather than macabre and creepy:



- Sugar, corn flour, wheat flour, oat flour, high fructose corn syrup, salt, milled corn, apple juice concentrate, dried apples, cinnamon, modified corn starch, sodium ascorbate and ascorbic acid (vitamin C), calcium phosphate, yellow #6, niacinamide, reduced iron, zinc oxide, pyridoxine hydrochloride (vitamin B6), baking soda, riboflavin (vitamin B2), thiamin hydrochloride (vitamin B1), red #40, turmeric color, vitamin A palmitate, BHT (preservative), blue #1, folic acid, vitamin B12, and vitamin D sound like wonderful things to put inside of you.

And, finally, if you eat SHREDDED WHEAT:



- You eat a healthy meal, just like Linus eats.
- You enjoy the sensation of stabbing your breakfast repeatedly with a spoon until it breaks down into smaller pieces. It makes breakfast more hands-on.
- You take comfort in eating what millions of people have eaten for over a hundred years.

Okay, internet morons, what breakfast cereals do you love/hate? Email me!

LINUS

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

By Vans McCoy

So, Hulk Hogan is breaking up with his wife.

Or, I guess she’s breaking up with him.

Now he wants his privacy respected?

Too bad, Hulkster.

It doesn’t work that way when you’re on “reality” TV. You can’t turn off the cameras when shit finally gets interesting. This is what everyone tunes in for, brother.

It got me to think though… why would she want to dump America’s favorite professional ‘rassler?



Well, I called Tonto and asked him. He slurred some words and finally said, “just go do some fucking research and I print it…” Click.

So I did. After reviewing the evidence, it’s no surprise why Mrs. Hulk decided to turn on her husband.

People have been turning on Hogan his whole life.

Andre the Giant – Hogan and Andre were the best of friends during the early days of Hogan’s first title reign. But Hogan cast such a large shadow that even Andre the Giant was swallowed up by it. Hogan is an egomaniac and Andre couldn’t stand it anymore.



Of course, we know what happened next… Hogan slammed his “best friend” and never looked back at someone who was his best friend. Sounds like a dick move to me.


Ok, so we’ve established that Hogan treats his loved ones like dirt. That can be forgiven, right? I think so.

But what about stupidity?

I don’t let that slide.

Is Hogan stupid. I don’t know for sure… but I do know that if I was fighting recent turncoat Sgt. Slaughter, I’d at least know some basic early 90’s current events.



Thank you, Hulk Hogan. Indeed.

But whatever. There’s plenty of chicks who love big stupid guys. Plenty.

How many women love big stupid guys who do stuff like this?



Plus, I never realized that Hulk Hogan was such a baby. I'm talking crying like a little bitch. I offer as proof:



Now, I’m insinuating anything… so, I’ll just ‘ol Hulk put it in his own words:



Wait for 1:54 in the video… you’ll see what I mean.

Finally, The Hulster is simply a glorified bully. Look how badly he beats up this young up and coming wrestler. It’s not even a fair fight.



So, what do the others wrestlers think of Hogan? Well, he obviously brings out the worst in them.



No wonder his wife dumped him.

- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

By Stephany Ericson

Stability
Consistency
Status Quo
Children’s Books
BORING!!!!!

Although I am quite deeply camped in the verdant meadow of Happy most days, even I, someone firmly planted in the reality that strong self-knowledge brings, needs some change from time to time.

(And no, Linus I am not talking about the Depends adult diapers that you SO thoughtfully sent me. One of them had already been used by the way. I’ve sent it to your return address in Oregon along with a small note with facts about someone who was recently beaten with a sock full of rusty nails.

I’m sure the FBI agents will enjoy the diaper, which I marked “For Breathing In -Love, Linus.” Enjoy your lengthy but too brief stay in the Willamette Valley.)

But I digress -

Every living person must change for their own benefit, and most need to change for the benefit of everyone around them. Some of you people are real losers and you are making your friends angry, your family embarrassed, your government shamed.

While we are on the subject of Government, there is a current presidential candidate that desperately needs change TODAY. His policies and plans for leadership may or may not be sound - for this I have no comment. But, his very name is, well… just plain wrong.

Ron Paul is all WRONG.

Ron. Paul.

Not one, but two 1st names!

If I were a schoolyard bully, I would stomp him everyday. How efficient it would be if that deceitful wench, Jenny Craig, went to the same school?

Ron PaulSON works. Even Ron PaulIE works. Ron Paul does not work. It’s not presidential.

Ron Ray? Tom Jeff? Abe Linc? Nope nope nope.

If you want my vote Ron, change your name. Or alternately – you could just lose the last name, and be the very 1st presidential candidate that goes by a single name.

You could sing about being a gypsy, tramp or thief. Or, you could invent a symbol to signify your name: The candidate formerly known as...



Before I mentioned Government shame, family embarrassments, or angry friends, I was about to mention changes that we all need to implement from time to time in order to stay in tip top human form.

In our lives, we develop habits that seem to work initially. We grow so used to them that when they cease working for us, we do everything we can to avoid making a change. This reticence holds back our growth and makes our Spritely very very sad indeed.



So, in my ongoing efforts to unchain you all from your learned mediocrity, here are some changes that you can put into effect today that will allow you to feel smarter, smell better, and jump higher(figuratively).

1.ZZZZZZZ - Sleep in. No need to go into work so very early. What is REALLY getting done when the sun is still low in the East? Coffee is getting made. Yesterdays’ trash is being emptied.

Why do you need to be there for that?

SLEEP IN. You will get more rest. Traffic will be much lighter. When you do arrive for work and get briefed on what happened at the 9am status meeting you will get SO MUCH DONE because you are rested!

And, your co-workers will shun you, allowing you the freedom to actually WORK instead of yapping all day about what happened during the game between the New England whatsis, and the Baltimore whosits. Why are you at work anyway? To rehash the latest LOST episode or to… WORK? Sleep in, you’ll thank me in your resignation letter.

2. XXX - Adults only. And by that I mean, avoid children.

Yes, they can be adorable - when behind sound proof glass. Rarely are we sophisticated adults afforded that luxury however. If you choose to remain around children (you are babysitting to earn extra cash to make up for your latest publishing deal falling through at the very last moment) you will be subject to their uncanny ability to announce in quite grating voices statements that true, or untrue are none of their concern.

“Why are you crying Miss Stephany?”

“Are WE gonna get a turn on Guitar Hero?”

“Wow, that’s a lot of pills to swallow at once.”

“Because I’m so pretty”, “no”, and “what is your point, Nathan?” are, of course, the answers most appropriate in these few cases.

But, if you avoid children altogether, you won’t have to be constantly thinking of witty responses to their incessant curiosity and affection.

3.MDBS - People in the medical profession have trained diligently for over a decade. This gives them the ability to legally fondle your gonads - as long as they write a note about it.

What it does not allow them to do is to tell you how to feel.

If they knew the 1st thing about feelings, they’d be poets. Not know-it-alls.

So, I implore all of you to refrain from taking any advice from your respective medical professional that does not directly pertain to actual bodily functions. Basically anything between the ears… is your business only. Unless… of course you are seeing one of the Psych type of Doctors...then it’s the other way around.

When you are in your Dr.’s office and you are explaining your symptoms... and he finishes your sentence for you… put your clothes back on and leave! That instant!

When your primary care Doc asks you “are you really still in pain? - your refills have expired,” ask them, ”I’ve forgotten… where did you study Orthopedic Surgery? Oh…that’s right… you are just a Family Practice doc. Or as I like to call them… a dime a dozen.”

That usually gets the conversation back on track. If that doesn’t work… you can always remind them that they didn’t ask permission to check for a hernia before they “palpated” down there.

Educate yourselves in the interest of staying healthy. And don’t succumb to the fleshy avarice of those who are Hippocratic.



Well, I’d like to continue with this dialogue, but I’ve just received an e-mail from Tonto regarding extras charges against Linus. I laughed so hard I wet my panties.

I guess it is time for me to change.

;)
Stephany

- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children's books (“The Low Down”, “Eat this for a Quarter” and “Daddy has Stubble in Funny Places”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

By Linus, The Angry Mime

Hey.

Still on house arrest.

Still looking for sweet, sweet mime porn.

If any of you sexy cyber ladies wanna make your own and email it to me, I won’t judge you!



Remember, only sexy cyber ladies need apply.

Before you put on that white greasepaint and turn on your webcam, ask yourself:

- Am I sexy enough for a professional mime?
- Am I, in fact a lady?
- Am I in the process of gender reassignment/surgery to become a lady?

If you can honestly answer yes to question number one and questions two or three, then get to work with your erotic masterpiece. There’s plenty of free time on my hands; might as well sample some eye candy in the downtime.

Most of you know I’m in Oregon, one of the biggest places that wants to put on the big crying act about how the whole world is ruining the environment, blah blah blah.

Me, I’ll all for the new weather. This time of year, I used to have to run extra fast in order to mug a poor sap that counted his cash in the wrong place.

Now that there’s no snow, it cuts my criminal time in half.

And, since I’m a big fan of entropy and chaos, I encourage each of you to go out and wreck the planet as fast as you can. Don’t you want a front row ticket to annilihlation?

You sure as hell bet I do.

So, let’s keep on ripping a bigger hole in this gorgeous planet’s anus, with the following tips:

1)Bring back banana stands - This is a tip from our forefathers. In the 19th century, once ships had the technology to refrigerate produce, lots and lots of bananas got shipped to America, and vendors popped up on every street corner, selling this new fruit.

Once the bananas were consumed, people just flung the peels wherever sweet gravity would take them, causing massive amounts of pollution and disease.

Not to mention the constant injuries and deaths caused by people slipping on dirty banana peels. If we brought the banana stands back, along with a cheerful disregard for waste disposal, we’d be waste deep in corpses and flies in no time!

2)Hold refrigerator dismantling parties - This can be a lot of fun!

You want to dismantle refrigerators made before 1995, the ones that are loaded with CFCgases. Crank ‘em up and leave the doors open for a least a week prior to the festivities. Then, once the party starts, go nuts and see who can remove and smash the most refrigerants before the police show up.

3)Make Taco Bell the only place you eat - Humans only produce about half a liter of methanea day. Cows can produce up to two hundred liters.

Are we really gonna let a bunch of grass chewing nobodies ruin this planet before we do?

I don’t think so.

So, forget eating square meals. Order seconds and thirds of fast food. Do not hold in your gas. Fart like you’re playing the tuba in your pants.

4)Have lots and lots of children - If you’ve ever had the experience of being near a hard-core environmentalist, you’ll notice that they’ll take a break from washing their Prius and scold you about each of us has a responsibility to reduce our so-called “carbon footprint.”

Wanna know the best way to trample all over this planet with dirty little feet?

Babies.

Lots and lots of them.

More babies means more people to use more resources and more waste produced.

Ladies, turn your vagina into a pitching machine and pop those suckers out until you drop!

Any other ideas to help tear our ecosystem a new one? Email me!

LINUS

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.