TontoandFriends.com

By Linus the Angry Mime Hey. It’s official. You know that the economy is on a crash course to utter ruin when the President panics and holds a press conference to play Daddy and tell us that everything’s gonna be all right. Me? I knew the nation would be in a pickle when clowns started disappearing from the street corners. Granted, I was glad to see the little parasites go. But when clowns can’t make enough money from the cash of stupid and ignorant tourists who wouldn’t appreciate good pantomime if it offered them daily horoscopes and menthol cigarettes, you know that the country is in for some tough times. So, the answer to all of our financial woes is this: more tax rebates. The idea is that if we get more money back from our taxes, we’re sure to dump the cash back into the economy, which will then stir back to life and make America the best place to live again. Kinda like giving a cancer patient a shopping spree and a makeover, you know? But hey, money is money. Seeing as that these magical rebates probably won’t come to us for about a year or so, let’s brainstorm now as to what material comforts we could purchase with our new found riches. Remember, don’t you dare use the cash to pay off your mountains of debt. Don’t put it in savings. If you do that, the terrorists win! 1)Books - Books are a great way to blow your fiscal wad. They give you the illusion of feeling smart without doing any extra work, and they take your mind off the fact that you’ll be living in a cardboard box fighting off the roaches for breakfast by the time you’re old enough to retire. And, if you’re one of those people who can’t hold a plot in your head longer than the length of an average sitcom, why not give short stories a try? Here’s a good one: The Exciting Life and Death of the Amazing Henry and Other Stories. You can buy it here. 2)Sponsor a mime - Hey, remember all those people your teachers in school used to make you pretend to care about? You know, those people back in the old days who painted crap or wrote plays or songs. Did you know many of them had patrons? No, not the tequila you swill that makes you think you’re more cultured than those of us sipping vanilla extract. People who gave artists money and helped them live so they could make stuff. This made the rich people feel better about themselves, and got stuff named after them. And the artists could spend less time selling plasma and more time making things. It’s like this: you have money, but no way to create stuff. I’m a mime, who creates art just as easily as most of you take a shit. Give your self-esteem a boost by being my patron. I’ll name some work after you, and you can point to me on the street and say, “See that dear fellow? I’m his patron!” 3)The flashiest, biggest video game systems you can afford - You know you want to plunk your rebate cash on this! Nothing like coming home after a hard day at work and coming up with clever new ways to blow shit up or stab people in a game that will keep your homicidal urges at bay! Also, since these systems have a great resale value, be sure and leave a window open where you live, for me. 4)Lottery Tickets - Lost the will to live? No longer have desires to do anything else with your life other than produce carbon dioxide and dream about being super-wealthy? Looking for a way to donate money to education without having to look compassionate? Lottery tickets are your path to success! Spend every last penny from your tax rebate on tickets! Your odds of winning are pathetic, and the government will suck up the money they just gave to you and use it wisely. 5)Ipods - And not just the cheapest one on the market. Get as many of the expensive kind as your rebate will allow. Then, throw your cash into it. Buy music, movies, television shows, games for the systems. Wear it twenty-four hours a day, even in the shower. The goal is to be so disconnected from society that you’ll be lulled into a safe, cocoon-like bubble. Perfect for when I knock you unconscious with a potted plant and steal your stuff. Any other fun ideas for giving into your consumer urges? Email me! LINUS - Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.