Hey.
Happy anniversary, assholes!
The Iraq war’s being going strong for five years now. Traditionally, the proper gift to offer for this occasion is wood, so let’s give the whole mess a nice stake in the heart and put it to bed.
Seriously.
It isn’t even a real war, for crissakes.
You know you’ve got a real war on your hands when you can close your eyes and imagine Steve McQueen kicking ass in the movie about your war and not bust out laughing.
Speaking of walking jokes, Lynndie England, a beloved figure known to Americans and Iraqis alike, pitched a fit in some German news magazine about how the media was to blame for increasing Anti-American sentiment and stirring up violence by broadcasting the photos taken of her abusing Iraqi prisoners.
Normally, I’d just shrug this off and focus my creative talents elsewhere, perhaps in a performance piece, or in a fool-proof heist to steal sixty-five cases of Thin Mints from the Girl Scouts.
But fuck it [EDITOR's NOTE: Those words make me laugh. - Tonto], I’m dying and I’m the mood to offer a messed up piece of shit like Lynndie England some of my sage advice.
Here’s some simple wisdom I’d like to impart to you, the Internet morons at large, and England in the wake of the lovely carnage we have made these past five years:
1) If you’re gonna torture people, don’t do it because people tell you to do so - Look, I know that was your excuse in your court martial trials, but it shows a lack of imagination.
Real torture artists like me get really offended when dirt bags like you horn in our territory and then blame your commanding officers for making you abuse people. If you’re in the mood to torture, have some fucking style!
Burn poetry onto people’s skin with cigarettes. Slap wet bamboo around the a prisoner’s balls and set them out in the hot sun, taking bets to see which person’s testicles will squirt out of their meat pouch first.
2)Don’t take pictures - Torture works best when no film exists to illustrate exactly what transpired. Without film, juries have to rely on their sick and twisted thoughts to piece together just what it was you did with tie line, barbed wire, and twenty-one hot dogs that evening.
Also, no film means you can’t bitch about the media putting up your ugly mug every five minutes on tv. You want to keep a scrapbook of your torture tales, skip the film, and save a piece of their flesh. It makes a pretty sturdy bookmark.
3) Don’t give up - And now I hear that Lynndie England is working as a law clerk for the lawyer that defended her.
Lame.
That’s like winning the gold medal in gymnastics and slumming through the rest of your life serving the breakfast special at Denny’s.
A woman of her talents could make a lot of money as a dominatrix or by contracting herself out to the government for special projects. Trust me – once you’ve had a taste of the torture juice, it gets really hard to go back to boring, everyday life.
If you were to search England’s place, I wouldn’t be surprised if you found a shitload of skinned and bloodied pets. When one’s abilities are repressed, they always find a way to speak up and make themselves heard.
What are your plans for today’s anniversary?
Any other advice for England?
Leave a comment!
LINUS
- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.
1 comments:
Yeah--kill yourself.
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