The Most Awesomely Lame Songs Ever!

By Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com

There’s a lot of songs that really suck.

I mean just listen to the radio.

Don’t get me wrong, these songs do fill me with passion.

Passion to strap dynamite to my skull and find a crowded place.

That said… not every song that sucks has to actually suck. You get what I mean?

There are some songs out there that no person in their right mind would like, but just happen to be really awesome. I don’t mean in some dipshit hipster way like saying that 90’s Euro crossover pop/rock vomit like Jesus Jones or EMF is good.

Some may say these are guilty pleasures. I say no. I’m, in no way, ashamed of loving every one of these songs… even though I will admit they suck in the same breath.

These are songs that make you nod your head up and down with a satisfied grin, and then you rip a huge fart.

Fred Bear by Ted Nugent

Why it Rules: An epic song that starts with a haunting bluesy-like guitar riff about a man alone in the woods…. To go hunting. Ted’s echoing vocals are at once soothing while imposing.

One part gun rights ballad, one part pseudo “I’m an environmentalist because I respect the things I destroy,” one part dime-store spirituality all add up to The Nuge, a hard-core conservative, basically going gay for this Fred Bear guy.

Plus the end of the song where Ted gives Fred the plan for the hunt, and the real Fred Bear comes back from the dead to issue a hunting challenge to “some of our teenage thrill seekers…” to cleanse their soul is brilliant.



Why it Sucks: It’s so unbelievably pretentious. He describes the forest like it was something out of Lord of the Rings. He sings about Fred Bear like he’s some deity, when he’s just a guy who went out and shot animals for fun. I might be moved by the song if it wasn’t so funny.

Give the animals a weapon or kill them with your bare hands and then we can sing about you. Otherwise, you’re kind of a pussy who likes to pretend they’re hard. You’re the type of guy who lives through two World Wars and doesn’t fight… because you’re busy shooting things that don’t shoot back.

We Want Fun by Andrew W.K.

Why it Rules: With the exception of the 2 Live Crew catalog, very few songs are as up front about their message as “We Want Fun.” Basically, it’s time to party until you wake up next to an ugly girl and you have a bad itch. Yeah!!!!

Plus, this song is from Jackass the Movie. One of my top ten favorite films of all-time!

I dare you to listen to this song and not have a smile at the end.

On a side note: The video looks like the greatest party ever!



Why it Sucks: It’s really not a good song. The lyrics are bad. The musicianship is bad. The vocals are bad. Whereas I feel much more awesome after listening to it, I also feel dumber.

Do you know? by Fiend

Why it Rules: If I was a fighter, this might just be my ring entrance music. The opening threat about bringing the dope and money is classic. The guy who just randomly yells, “Do you Know Who You Fuckin’ With?” seals the deal for me.

I’m picturing some borderline retarded 6’5, 325lbs sack of muscle that would rip me to shreds like I was a puppy and he’s the gangster version of Lennie Small.



Why it Sucks: The guy who does the first verse is bad… and not like Michael Jackson bad.

In the Ghetto by Elvis

Why it Rules: It’s Elvis crooning about the trials and tribulations of inner-city youth and the circle of violence that surrounds urban life. Poignant.



Why it Sucks: It’s Elvis crooning about the trials and tribulations of inner-city youth and the circle of violence that surrounds urban life. Overly simple and hilarious.

God Gave Rock and Roll to you, by Kiss

Why it Rules: You could arguably put every Kiss tune ever in this category, but if there’s one song that epitomizes everything Kiss, it’s this one. This is a cover of an old song by The Ardents, so you can’t credit Kiss with the writing credits.

You can credit them with the rad dueling vocals of Simmons and Stanley though. You can credit them for turning a corny early 70’s arena rock dope smoking track into a sweeping rock aria that captures the spirituality and passion of music.



Why it Sucks: Really? God gave us Rock and Roll? I’m not even convinced there’s a God, though I know for sure that there’s Rock and Roll? Don’t try to sell me your religious views, jerks!

I think Kiss really believes these lyrics to be gospel and that they are the bringers of God’s will, so to speak.

So, what other songs are officially awesomely lame?

- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.