All right, you angry Internet nerds, get your flaming fingers limber and ready!
I’m ready for a fight. Got my sprits recharged, thanks to our resident writer, The Schmooz.
Nothing like getting a Captain Crunch from a lady to help release the tension.
Look, as you all know, I grew up with government-sponsored day care. Most of you call them orphanages.
Everything horrible you can imagine about being a kid happens in orphanages. Kids become human ashtrays, rats nibble on their toes at night, and the food is either moldy or so salty it tastes like an unwashed jock strap.
Naturally, we orphan kids did all we could to escape dealing with this never-ending crap fiesta. Glue-sniffing was epidemic.
So was comic book collecting.
Once a week, when the orphanage made us walk into the city to go to church, kids like me would swipe comic books from the newsstands we passed. The better the comic, the more respect you received.
Little kids would steal shit like Archie or Spiderman. Simple little stories and lots of pretty pictures, depending on the artist that drew Betty that month.
I’d never steal anything better than Swamp Thing. Those comics had a dark magic to them, and even though the lead guy was pretty messed up, I understood him a lot better than some moron in a cape with stupid powers.
But the kids who received the most beatings swiped Iron Man comics.
Time for a harsh truth, nerds.
Iron Man is and has always been a lame comic book superhero. Deal with it.
People who collect Iron Man comics or are rubbing themselves all over in anticipation for the movie coming out this weekend just have a sad robot fetish, that’s all.
Here’s why you should drop Iron Man and go read some good comics:
1) Rich white people do not make for exciting heroes - Orphans hate it when comic book heroes are full of “boo hoo, my mommy and daddy are dead and left me with all this money and my life is so miserable” crap. If Tony Stark was a real person, I would have broken his kneecaps with a sledgehammer and pissed on his wounds.
Look, you’re rich. In America, that means you’ve already won. Relax, go bang a prostitute, and get over yourself.
And don’t even bring up Batman. Same thing and you know it.
2) People without any superpowers are stupid comic book heroes - If your only actual super ability is the ability to graduate from MIT when you were fifteen and then make some stupid tin can that gives you your powers, you’re not a goddamn super-hero... you’re a super-mechanic.
Superheroes either magically receive their powers late in life or are born with them. Anyone else is just a poseur wanting to spice up their humdrum life by slapping on a costume that does all their work for them.
3) If you can only fight pathetic villains, you are a pathetic super hero - Spiderman gets Dr. Octopus, Kingpin, The Green Goblin. Hell, even Batman had some colorful baddies – the Scarecrow, Harley Quinn, and The Joker.
What does Iron Man get? Stilt-Man. A man who wears a robot suit with telescopic legs.
Pretty fucking sad, if you ask me.
All right morons, you’ve been patient enough.
Tell me why you think Iron Man sucks or is the best thing in the world since you’ve discovered how to masturbate!
Leave a comment.
LINUS
- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.
NOTE: If you liked this article, get your Stark on with How to Stay Alive in the Witness Protection Program, Quick Ways to Find and Make Your Own Alcohol, and Teh Best New Wordz to Come from Teh Internetz!!1!!!
11 comments:
SAYY WHAAAA
ironman the movie sucks because propaganda is boring even when it can hold a thought.
Yeah, Iron Man sucks. Hell...Steel was a better hero than him. (Steel he isn't rich and he's modeled after a real black American hero). Iron Man is nothing more than an amalgamation of Bruce Wayne and Robocop.
wow, you have serious issues...I respect your opinion about Iron Man, but what you wrote about was mostly you life, wow
The movie was utter shit, a 2 hour run of Good Ol' American propaganda. Don't know about the comics tho.
Spider-Man has pretty art and simple story?
Buddy boy you should really start reading, some issues, the best Spider-Man stories of all time tell about his loss, grief and struggle to stay on the right lane and improve himself. He's the most human not so adored by fans like most of the superheroes.
Now I'll teach you a little about IronMan:
First, he's a man with a weak heart who decided to give his life more balue than manufacturing weapons for the government, drinking (he stopped it years ago) and screwing chicks.
All his Enemies are scientifically involved, have a high level of intellect and put on heavy arm.
Stiltman is an enemy of DareDevil, he's a joke to be shown how easily he get's defeatd by a blind man, but this blind man fought some of the most powerful villains and defeated them.
Finally; I'll compliment your choice of comics for loving Swamp-Thing because he kills the joy of Man-Thing with tenfolds as much joy
iron man sucks - agreed!
I agree Iron Man sucks. I was bored from the beginning to the end of the movie. Spider-man 3 was more exciting and that movie sucked for me because 2 of my favorite characters died.
The Dark Knight totally beats the shit out of Iron Man.
I think you hit on some overall good points as to why Iron Man sucks. But you left out the pimping out of all the product placements, the fact that the movie really only serves one purpose, which is Hollywood is trying to make a bigger statement about intellectual property.
I thought it was the biggest piece of crap, which only served to push products and like the others I agree it was utter propaganda and well just plan crap. I am sure we will have about four more Iron Man movies before sadly it retires.
Your entitled to your opinons about Iron Man but could you for the love of god please don't make articles about your shitty childhood and how you get beaten up (possibly molested) by bullies? Just because you dislike Iron Man and everyone in THAT AREA of shitsville you lived in before doesn't mean he sucks.
When was the last time you ever read a fuckin' comic book? His main arch enemy is the mandarin, his other enemies, mr.fix-it , obadiah stane (Iron Monger), whiplash, etc etc list goes on most of the higher up enemies every hero fights with.
You lack the edcuation to fully explain your reasons. So enough with the fail trolling already.
Very good rant. Had me in stitches with every word. But this was the key punch line ...
"What does Iron Man get? Stilt-Man."
classic!
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