TontoandFriends.com

By Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com Man, I’m pissed off right now. Some dipshit hipsters threw a rock through the front window of my video store last night. Of course, I have no definitive proof, but when has that stopped anyone from being judge, jury, and executioner? Here’s what I know. Last night, some fake ass hipsters… oh wait, how do I know that’s what they were? I’ll tell you. [NOTE FROM THE CHIEF: The following has been edited out of this post. I told Vans that he should do a whole new article on “How to Spot a Hipster.” Look for it to come later this week! – Tonto] So, anyway, these used douches ask me, “Hey, what’s up dude? Like where can we find ‘Adventures of Ford Fairlane?’ Do you have it on blu-ray?” “No, just a fucked up VHS tape with a preview for ‘Cool as Ice’ on it.” They thought that was cool, and asked where to find it. “It’s in the douche bag section.” I have a section in the store specifically for the work of major league tools. The Vin Diesels and the like. I explained that Ford Fairlane has a special place in that section due to the large number of douches in that film. “Dice” Clay. Wayne Newton. Robert Englund. Even a Cameo by Vince Neil. That’s when the hipsters had enough. They went off about how Motley Crue rules, and how Vince Neil is awesome, blah, blah, blah. I realized that I didn’t need 99 cents that bad, and told them to get the fuck out of my store and to go to the other video store down the street where they film porno in the back room. I show up to work this morning, and there’s a brick with a Motley Crue sticker on it surrounded by shattered glass next to the New Releases section. So now, I hate Motley Crue even more than before. Here’s why: The Stupid Ass Name - In particular the two dots over the "u." They say it was inspired by Lowenbrau beer. Idiots. They don't even put the dots over the "u" on the beer, yet the crue does. Drinking bum piss makes for a better alcoholic drink than Lowenbrau. This is a fact. Vince Neil Killed a Guy – Vince got drunk and drove to the liquor store with a buddy. To no one’s surprise, they crashed. The buddy was killed. Vince was sentenced to 30 days, and served 18. I did more time in ’84 for punching a German at a gas station. How was supposed to know he was an Olympian? Vince Neil Had Plastic Surgery – Umm, maybe I’m just not into it, but I don’t see how you can call yourself a hard rocker when you had a VH-1 sponsored “makeover” for everyone to see as he was pushing 40. Is that Rock and Roll? Or is that Soccer Mom? Shout at The Devil, or Shout at the Stylist? Young Crue Fans Are Idiots – Just because some tattoo chick on TV likes wearing torn clothes, making the dumbass “rock on” sign, and likes the Crue, doesn’t make them cool. In fact, it might make them lamer. Now, I get the single, fat guy with a strange balding pattern on top of his head that still longs for the day when his acne didn’t get in the way of scoring with some slag at The Whiskey. He still likes Motley Crue. He should. The LA Glam Scene Was NEVER Cool – Never. Ever. Ever. Not in ’82. Not in ’86. Not even in the famed summer of ’89. Unless your gig is chlamydia and dried coke residue. If you long for the days of skinny hillbillies from Kansas coming to LA to be nasty strippers and rockers then by mean... It's just more proof that nothing good ever came from the Midwest besides Husker Du. Therefore, it’s 100% logical that there’s no reason to have nostalgia for anything from that period. None. Every Side Project Sucked Bad – Let me get this straight, I guess four negatives makes two positives, because individually they’re all negatives. Tommy Lee thinks he’s a rapper. Fail. Vince Neil thought he could be a solo artist. Fail. Nikki Sixx has been in a million side projects? Can you name one? A Clothing Line? – Nikki Sixx, you know, the hard partying bassist who actually died for a while on heroin, has started a clothing line that available at Nordstroms, Neimman Marcus, etc. You know, places where you go to try on clothes with the sole intent of stretching them out in the dressing rooms and wiping your ass with them. Worthless clothes for yuppies? Way to go, Rocker-Man. Keep that street cred respectable. Whatever… I have a window to fix. After that, I have some ass to kick. Click HERE to leave a comment! - LINK FIXED (bash away!) - Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store. NOTE: If you liked this article, inject your way over to In Defense of Billy Ocean, The 9 Most Overrated Songs Ever, and Why Marcel Marceau Was a Dick!