TontoandFriends.com

By Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com Your job sucks. I know. It sucks a big hard one too. I know. I’ve been there. I’m not here to sympathize with you. No. I’m here to tell you that you’re an idiot because you continue to put up with it. I’ve worked at a lot of places. Gas Stations. Tattoo Parlors. Record Shops. Hospitals. As you know, I now run a successful independent video store. One of the many things I’ve learned while gainfully employed is that the people you work with are the stupidest people walking on the planet. In fact, I'm shocked that many of them have the mental prowess to walk upright. You know the best way to tell if the people are victims of severe head trauma, listen to the way they talk about the days of the week. Monday “Well, it’s Monday again. Another week…” – No. It’s another day to rape, pillage, and fight. It matters not that dumbass football was on all day yesterday. “The weekend’s never long enough” – That’s how you talk if you’re a bitch. Maybe if you didn’t spend all day in front of a TV drinking lite beer, and watching grown men in tights bounce on each other, you wouldn’t feel like the time was wasted. “Boy, I need that Monday morning coffee.” – I need a Monday morning 8-ball, but you don’t hear me bitching. If you’re going to have a chemical dependency, make it sexy. If Monday is such a problem for you… quit! Or just go in late. Just make sure that you have a boss you can physically intimidate or comfort with a deep dicking. Tuesday “I’m just glad it’s not Monday” – Are you still hung up on that day? Does the name of day have that much control over your life? “This is gonna be a long week.” – That’s only because you care about the stupid company you work for. I never have. I’ve always made sure that I work in places where I get paid the same whether we have customers or not. That way, I can focus on things besides work when I’m at work. Wednesday “Halfway through the week.” – Yeah, and? You’re the one who made life choices that force you to have a job you hate. Maybe you should’ve pulled out that night instead of thinking “well, one time won’t kill me.” You’re the one who went to a fancy private school that you couldn’t afford, so now you have to work in a field that you hate so that you can pay for learning about what you love, but the joke is… you’ll never actually get to use that knowledge except when it comes up on Jeopardy once a year. Dummy. So, don’t justify your repressed anger at yourself to me. You’re the one who messed up. See, that’s why I pull out EVERY TIME and didn’t bother going to school. Guess what? I’m better off than you! Thursday “At least the good shows are on TV tonight” – Hi, I’m Vans. Please, take this gun… oh no, I insist. OK, now put the business end in you mouth… that’s right. Now squeeze as hard as you can with your itty-bitty pointy finger…oh, don’t worry, it is loaded…. Whew, one less example of the "retard by nurture" argument. Network Television is a dead art form. Instead, they have these crazy things called books. These things actually stimulate your imagination versus masturbating all over it. Friday “Thank God, it’s Friday” – I’m sorry, thank who? Look, I’m no religious scholar, but I don’t think the calendar was established, by God, no less, to alleviate the stresses of your pitiful office job. You think Job ever uttered that phrase? What about Noah and his boat? The big imaginary man in the sky has better things to worry about besides your job. Get over yourself, you self-righteous egomaniac. “Happy Friday” – Have you ever noticed that the people who say this are the ones who spend the whole weekend getting thrashed in a futile attempt to make the memories of their horrible job vanish? Then Monday rolls around, and it’s right back to bitching about Monday. Doesn’t sound too happy to me. - Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store. NOTE: If you liked this article, talk your ear away with How China Should Improve The Olympics, The Soaring Job Market in Tijuana, and Answers to All Your Love and Sex Questions!!!