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By Linus, The Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com Hey. I was in a pretty good mood today. One of my newest pieces, “Bloodlust”, just got nominated for some art award, according to the Portland Chamber of Commerce. If that means a couple more greenbacks in my pocket, that’d be gravy. So, I decided to treat myself. Instead of purchasing my usual breakfast liquor at the local convenience store, I decided to treat myself to the best candy imaginable: Necco Wafers. But, according to the greasy little high school dropout behind the counter, apparently people don’t like the candy as much as I do. They didn’t carry it. He tried to sell me some Smarties instead. That was a bad idea. Forty-seven minutes later, after I got tired of smashing the convenience store with his unconscious, bleeding body, I shook the shards of glass out of my clothes, wiped off the blood he carelessly spilled on me, and hit the streets, thinking of a way to get this remarkable confectionary concoction back into the hearts and minds of America. Then, it hit me. Who has the most time on their hands and are easily manipulated You, oh precious internet morons. So, let me share with you the reasons why Necco Wafers are better than you thought, so you can go off on your own web logs and spread the message. I had better see a pack of them the next time I go shopping for alcohol, or somebody’s gonna have to make good on being an organ donor. 1) Necco Wafers have just the right amount of sugar - It’s the holy grail of candy. Being one of the oldest continually made candies in the US doesn’t happen if it tastes like crap. But Linus – you whine – Necco Wafers taste like chalk. I’d much rather eat a Snickers or M&M’s. Wrong! Those crappy candies are slopped with chocolate and enough sugar to make your toes fall off. You want diabetes? I didn’t think so, dumbass. Candy is supposed to resemble life – hard, predictable, and with just enough sweetness to numb the ever-constant pain. 2) Necco Wafers are gluten-free - People are getting allergic to gluten because Americans eat so many carbs. If you eat Necco Wafers, you won’t have unpleasant accidents in your underpants. 3) Necco Wafers are the Terminator of candy - They don’t melt, they don’t freeze. They’ve been shipped to combat zones, soldiers eat them. People in the South Pole eat them. They can be shipped all over the world, and not break. True story: Once, when I was making a business call to administer last rites for a former friend of mine, I filled up my bomber jacket with Necco Wafers. Even though the mark shot at me three times in the chest before making his dinner reservations with St. Peter, I didn’t even get a scratch. Necco Wafers are amazing. 4) You can light a fire with Necco Wafers - I shit you not. Just get a pack with some Wintergreen flavored ones inside, find a cool, dry place, and snap them in half. I’ve lit several Molotov cocktails this way. Very handy if you don’t have matches. 5) Necco Wafers make great fake money - I bet old Slocumb Jones knows this secret, too. With a little time, and a nail file, you can trick vending machines into thinking they’re quarters. You can toss them into the begging cups of blind people. Or the donation baskets at church. So, any other reasons why Necco Wafers are great? Email me! - Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it. NOTE: If you liked this piece, wash it down with 9 Reasons Baseball Sucks, Why Marcel Marceau Was a Dick, and How to Decode Online Dating Profiles