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By Melvin, The Pirate Comment on this article, or ask Melvin a question by clicking HERE. Ahoy there, mateys! Here’s to hope that ye took the time and temperament to apply sunscreen this fine holiday weekend! Many a land-lover ignores that bit ‘o care only to wake up the next morning, burnt blacker than pitch, and with twice the itch! We’ve got some explosive issues in the old mailbag today, so let’s get to work!

Dear So-Called Pirate Therapist, Okay, smart guy, answer this once and for all: Ninjas or Pirates? Luke from Dallas, TX

Luke, this question blisters the very meat of me soul. How can ye make a split second choice over two very esteemed and mythic callings? As history teaches us, both ninjas and pirates emerged from a group of warriors in the military looking to survive after their countries no longer needed their public services. Of the two, ninjas are the quieter types. Keep to themselves, they do. So, the answer to ye question depends on ye point of view. Are ye looking for a fine, smashing party? Hang out with pirates. Highly disciplined combat skills? Ninjas are yer people. But, let me put something out there: in a pure battle of steel against steel, a pirate will always win – ye can bet on that.

Dear Melvin, My five year old is a little terror. When he’s not breaking dishes, he’ll be outside, pulling on the cat’s tail, or running around the house naked. What punishments can I dole out without abusing the child? Frustrated in Fresno

Well, Frustrated, ye’ve got to take some drastic steps to bring the tyke around. Without proper discipline and boundaries, a child won’t be able to take the natural steps towards maturity. Here’s what I recommend: employ the services of yer neighborhood midget for an evening, and tell the child ye’re babysitting a large child for the night. Have yer child sleep in the same bed as the midget. Around the stroke of midnight, have several other accomplices break open the bedroom window, covered in pig’s blood, and steal the midget. When yer child runs into your room, let him know that the baby was stolen by the “blood men” because he was a wicked baby, and that all children are taken by them if they continue to misbehave. Problem solved.

Dear Melvin the Pirate, I’m not really the kind of pirate people that draws a lot of attention. I’ve been thinking about breaking down and buying a parrot to sit on me shoulder. Any advice? Crooked Tom

Crooked, trust me – ye don’t want to get a parrot. Too much fecal matter dripping all over ye clothes. Instead, find a way to let ye beard highlight yer personality. Perhaps ye can braid it with teeth from the men ye’ve killed, or with perfumed ribbons from the wenches who’ve tasted ye dark flesh. Any other questions? Send me a comment! - Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere. NOTE: If you liked this 'ere article, be sure to check out Tontoandfriends.com Ask A Pirate Archives, The Great Pirate Discoveries - VIDEO!!!, and The Top 5 New Years Of All-Time!!!