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A little known fact: Independence Day is the favorite holiday of the homeless...well, maybe except Christmas. You’d really be hard-pressed to beat a day when people willingly give you food and small gifts. For a bum, that’s like...well, like Christmas.
Any which way, as a bum, I really enjoy Independence Day. It’s a day of fun, drink, and explosions.
In many districts and municipalities, it’s a misdemeanor to sell fireworks to the homeless, so for bums to celebrate like everyone else, we have to get creative.
To combat that oppressive law, I’ve put together a list of three homemade...well, homeless made contraptions that any bum can make to use in their Independence Day celebration.
Note: Of course, if you can bum some fireworks off some people, that’s always your best bet.
The Soda Can Bomb
This requires some planning, so you must sleep and sober up accordingly. First, you must pillage the local businesses for outdoor ashtrays to get cigarette butts. I suggest finding a local real estate office. Those people love to smoke and rattle on about “the market.”
So, you find your butts, but (Ha! Used that word twice in a row) you have to find some with plenty of tobacco left in it. Then, you take an un-crumpled soda can (regardless of brand) and stuff it about halfway full of the cigs. After that, you take a piss into the can so that you have some flammable liquid inside (more on this in a moment).
Drop a lit match in and throw that sumbitch. The intent is for it to blow up in midair, but many times, you end up just hitting a car, or a passerby.
The Dragon Snake
This is only for experienced bums only. I’m talking like over a decade of professional bum experience only.
Beginning on July 2, begin drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels and Jim Beam everyday. Spread it out so that it takes a full 24 hours to finish this process. That discipline to not finish both in 30 minutes is key to this.
Early in the morning on Independence Day, bum a fresh thing of lighter fluid from a local liquor store. Take one, and only one, shot of lighter fluid first thing in the morning to prepare your body.
Come nighttime, you’ll be ready. Gather your closest three-day associates and get ready to “WOW” them. Finish off the lighter fluid in one gulp. Don’t bother tasting it, just take it right down the pipe. After a moment, your bladder should be ready.
Get a lighter ready, untie the rope around your pants, ignite the flame next to your Woody Woodpecker, and commence flame urination.
When performed right, this should last about 3 minutes, and for those who’ve never seen a six-foot flame come a man’s willy, they will surely be impressed. For maximum effect, try this off of a large building or freeway overpass.
[EDITOR’S NOTE: OK, seriously. Don’t do that!!!]
The Grand Finale
Bums like their holidays to span several days. It compliments our theory of life that days themselves should span the course of several days. Naturally, we apply this theory to holidays as well.
No fireworks display is complete without a big finish, and I’ve come up with the biggest finish ever that gets covered by the news across the country. What I like to do is that I’ll find a place with lots of trees, brush, but few people. All I do is apply a match, and within a half hour, you have a fireworks display that last several days!!! Fantastic!
Any other ideas on how a bum, or anyone else, can celebrate this holiday?
How about you? What are your plans?
- Slocomb Jones has been a professional bum for over 50 years. In April 2007, he officially announced his retirement as a bum, and has segued into a successful second career as a retired bum and part-time bum coach/advisor. Ironically, he’s busier now that he’s retired than he’s ever been in his entire life.
NOTE: If you liked this article, check out Other Great Reasons to Celebrate 4/20, Never Forget - The Seven Greatest Moments on 10/11, and The Hottest Women in History!!!
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