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Most of the time, there’s nothing worse than going to see a movie on opening weekend with a theater full of fucktard teenagers. Unfortunately, that’s my only choice these days as I’m no longer invited to press screenings. Turns out they have this rule about showing up drunk… guess they frown upon that.
They also don’t like when you tell them, “how in the fuck else do you expect me to sit through a Mike Myers film?”
Like everyone else last weekend, I made my way out to see The Dark Knight.
Right off the bat, you buy your ticket and then they have you stand in line like you’re in a bank. God damn, I hate standing in lines. Human beings aren’t meant for that. Out of nowhere, a bunch of jerks wearing some fake ass emo outfits start cutting in line, pushing people around, and just being overall dicks.
Some clown with dyed hair, clear mental insufficiencies, and thrift store chic clothes arrives. He’s clearly the leader of this pack of dick holes. Once they secure his spot in line, he gets rid of them one-by-one:
"Go park my Vespa."
"Get me some cigarettes."
"I’ll hold your tickets for you."
The henchmen disperse and the line starts to move. By the time we’re in the theater, the henchmen are gone. Sucks to be them. Pretty clever move by this clown. In fact, I’m impressed.
As people take their seats this same guy keeps messing with everyone. The more he disrupts everyone’s movie going experience, the more and more I’m becoming a real fan of this guy. He doesn’t care about robbing people for money or anything mundane like that, he just wants to fuck things up for the sake of fucking them up.
Naturally, it doesn’t take long for some rich guy who thinks he’s the shit to try and put an end to the anarchy. You know the type - the guy who thinks that his wealth makes him obligated to be in charge of everything; he tells really stupid, unfunny, obnoxious jokes and instead of being an asshole, people call it charming; and he drives some big noisy SUV that destroys everything it touches. That guy.
So rich guy stands up to try and be the hero, but even he knows that people are just as sick of his type as they are the clown… the only difference is that the clown is entertaining as all hell and doesn’t talk with a phony voice like he’s the front man for some Norwegian metal band.
In fact, if they gave out Oscars for anarchic destruction, this clown guy should win one. Or be nominated at the very least.
The previews gets underway and there’s something about mobsters and their money with the cops tracing it or some crap; there’s something that looks like a Bond movie set in Hong Kong; and then some romantic comedy about a woman who can’t choose between the guy she used to love who was probably her true love and the new guy who’s everything that would impress mom. Too bad he’s boring as fuck.
There’s a part where he gets his face burned with coffee, giving him the excuse to be the douche bag we always suspected he was. I mean, c’mon, if you met someone whose best personality gimmick was flipping a two-headed coin all the time, you’d tell him to take that shit back to the frat house.
Anyway, the movie really gets underway and rich guy is still trying to stop the clown from ruining the film for everyone else. He threatens to get the ushers involved, but really, what the hell are they going to do? Like always, they’re corrupt and you can’t trust them. Bunch of underpaid jagoffs who just want to show the movie and go home. Getting involved isn't in their job description.
AT one point, rich guy decides to give up on stopping the clown with the hope that when he stops, so will the clown. At that point, smug do gooder gets involved in the mess, and he only succeeds in fucking things up more, so rich guy has to get back involved in the mess.
What rich guy fails to realize is that the more he responds to people like this, the more people like this crazy clown become problems just for the sake of raising hell. If this were a movie, they’d call that irony or something.
Ultimately, the agent of chaos always wins in situations like this. You can't reason with them. You can't predict what they'll do next. The only way to defeat an agent of chaos is to become one yourself, which is precisely the goal of the agent of chaos... to create more fucking chaos!
Eventually, the smug do gooder does what rich guy won't and turns into a raving looney just like the guy in the stupid preview. He goes bat shit nuts and when the cops finally get called into the situation, rich guy decides to take the heat thinking that he can hide behind his money. Fucking rich people... thinking their money insulates them from who they truly are.
In rich guy's case, he'll be back. He always is.
In a few years, there's going to be another movie premiere that everyone wants to see. Mark my words, there's either going to be a greasy pale fat guy whose going to squak through the whole damn thing, a variation on this clown type who talks through the whole thing by asking questions that make no sense, or some sexy chick who brings her damn cats to the theater and lets them run wild.
Hopefully, they don't all show up at the same time. That would really be a nightmare...
When the inevitable happens, rich guy will return and he'll still just as much of a dick as the people he's trying to stop.
But yeah, back to The Dark Knight. It’s a pretty damn good film.
4.5 stars for The Dark Night.
- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.
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1 comments:
awesome and clever!
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