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As I’ve dabbled in politics myself, I felt I was the only one qualified to sit down with a fellow fella of the political fairway, Sen. John McCain.
I’m sure that plenty of you are aware that McCain has a special part of his Straight Talk Express fancy jet airplane designated especially for reporters to conduct interviews. Though a bit of fancy reporting and persuasion, I managed my way on the Express. Here’s our conversation… as best as I can remember.
Slocomb Jones: Thanks for your time, Senator.
Senator John McCain: You’re welcome, my friend… I didn’t catch your name… or your news outfit.
SJ: I’m Slocomb Jones. I’m from www.tontoandfriends.com.
SJM: Never heard of them, my friend.
SJ: Techinically, they’re Tonto’s friends.
SJM: Who?
SJ: Schmooz, Linus, Stephany, Vans, and Bustamante. Them’s Tonto’s friends.
SJ: Have you heard of the Internet?
SJM: Yes.
SJ: We’re on there.
SJM: Okay, okay. How’d you get to this part of the Express?
SJ: In my former line of work, a man has to know how to… well, get on his knees and praise the big guy, if you catch my drift.
SJM: Well, that’s good to hear that I can answer a man’s prayers, my friend.
SJ: Prayers? Who’s talking about prayers? I was talking about sucking you security guard’s ding-a-ling-a-lang.
SJM: You kids and your slang.
SJ: I’m no kid. One time, I was in Vietnam.
SJM: You were? What Platoon? When did you serve, my friend?
SJ: It’s a long story…
SJM: Tell me about it, my friend.
SJ: Well, Okay… one time, I was sleeping down by the dock. Don’t remember why, but next thing I know some guys throw a tarp over me, and cover my face with a rag that stunk to high hell. Next thing I know, it’s three days later and I’m in some sort of wrestling ring with about two hundred people getting ready to watch me and some other professional play roulette. We never got around to the game. My opponent got so tired of waiting that he started crying and shot himself in the head.
SJM: My friend, I too have some experience in Viet-
SJ: Stop trying to change the subject, politician man. Let’s get to the questions. I’m officially retired, but I still need to make a living, so I have to make some spare change here and there. Do I have to report that income? How much are you going to tax me?
SJM: My friend, you have to report all income to the IRS, first and foremost. I’m not going to raise your taxes, my friend.
SJ: Good. Taxes are for people with permanent addresses.
SJM: Who let you on my plane again, my friend?
SJ: I find that people in those smaller electric cars are more willing to help a guy who’s down on his luck, whereas people in those big SUVs won’t help a guy out with some spare change, so what are your plans to lower gas prices to help out the working man on the corner?
SJM: We’re going to drill offshore which should increase the supply, my friend.
SJ: One time, a leggy blond woman approached me and was saying some jibber-jabber about wanting a ride on the wild side and was bored with her rich suburban life and we went at it right there in the alley. Afterwards, she started crying about the biggest mistake of her life. What’s your advice on how to maintain a solid relationship with a woman?
SJM: Well, my friend… I find that the moment they get ugly, I skip town for an upgrade. Should that upgrade get lippy with me, I put that cunt in place, my friend.
SJ: One time, I was drinking pain thinner straight outta the bucket until my eyes turned black. I started seeing all these midgets right in front of my face. They were pretty durn scary. If elected President, what steps would you take to fight the war on midgets?
SJM: Midgets, eh? Midgets are dirty people who will stoop to whatever lows they have to in their attempt to take our freedom. Whatever is necessary, my friend. Whatever is fucking necessary.
SJ: What’s your favorite way to make someone cry?
SJM: I find a good insult is the best way. Take some personal information shared in a moment of trust and hold it over their head. Guaranteed tears, my friend.
SJ: Could you spare a little change?
SJM: You want some change? Go talk to the black guy, my friend.
- Slocomb Jones has been a professional bum for over 50 years. In April 2007, he officially announced his retirement as a bum, and has segued into a successful second career as a retired bum and part-time bum coach/advisor. Ironically, he’s busier now that he’s retired than he’s ever been in his entire life.
NOTE: If you enjoyed this interview, check out The Top Subliminal Messages Ever, The Collapse of The English Language, and Fun Ways to Score at a Holiday Party!!!
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