Ted Nugent - Mime of the Month!

By Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com

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Hey.

Look, I know I didn’t nominate anybody for this prestigious award in June.

Here’s why:

Being an Honorary Mime of the Month is not some garden-variety honor that’s offered today and forgotten tomorrow.

It’s not a goddamned People’s Choice Award.

I’m not here to pick random, flash-in the-fucking-pan people. To be an honorary mime, you’ve got to be controversial, and have some staying power.

You’ve also got to be a little ugly. Mimes by and large are not attractive people; if they were, they’d be happier, and their work would suffer.

There’s an advanced screening process.

Candidates are monitored.

Their bodyguards are assaulted so I can sneak around their houses, steal a few things that catch the eye.

Consider this award the Nobel Prize for being a badass.

Now, without further adieu, let’s welcome July’s Honorary Mime of the Month, Ted Nugent!

Here are the criteria once more on qualities judged for the award:

- Personality

- Criminal Intent

- Artistic Passion

- Cruelty

- Fighting Style

Personality: Ted Nugent’s personality is like gargling with broken glass. No matter how careful you are, you’re bound to get a little hurt.

Ted’s not really a verbal assassin, so to speak, but he is thorough; if you’re a Democrat or an animal lover or any one of the people on his shit list, he’ll be sure to offer you the chance to suck on his machine gun.



Criminal Intent: Time for a nice, tender slice of irony pie, children. Ted’s panties are in a huge twist over drugs and alcohol. He tends to overlook the fact that people like me don’t take drugs because it’s cool.

We do it to suppress the urge to stab people in the eye with a salad fork.



However, even with his strong anti-drug stance, Ted’s got a few criminal tricks up his sleeve, such as owning a ranch which caters towards “canned hunts,” which is a pretty poetic way of saying that rich, bloated people get to play weekend warrior by shooting at animals that have been drugged to the point of being comatose.

Oh, and he once became the legal guardian of his 17–year old girlfriend just so he could have sex with her.

Hats off to that!

Artistic Passion: Here’s where Ted earns a place as an Honorary Mime. I tell you, there is nothing finer than getting drunk off your ass on furniture polish and killing a man with your bare hands while listening to Nugent’s “Stranglehold.”



No matter what you make of Nugent, he’s got a way with a guitar, and the sheer insanity required to make a bit of art with the tools he’s got.

Cruelty: If you’re an avid outdoorsman, and quite the reactionary man, being cruel just comes with the territory. It’s like blaming a guillotine for chopping off heads – that’s what it was made for, people.



Nugent was not born, he was delivered fully formed, tongue full of hate, and with a gun in each hand.

Fighting Style: Compound bow. Sure, you could sit there and laugh at him for not using something a little more old-fashioned.



But, by that time, you’d be ventilated by a few well-placed arrows, and the Nuge would be using your corpse for target practice.

Love Ted Nugent?

Hate him?

Send me a comment!

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

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