TontoandFriends.com

by Stephany Ericson stephany.ericson@hotmail.com  

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While you, my dear readers have been slogging through your soft work week of sipping latte’s and playing Klondike on company time, I have been hard at work securing informative interviews from the Olympic Village.

I have lots to report so I’ll dispense with my usual attempt at educating you all and get right to it. The Nigerian Men’s soccer team won their semi-final game. They play for the gold in a few days. I had a chance to meet them all in the village. They are a very outgoing group!  

Stephany: Hello Gentleman. Congratulations on your Futbol victory. Good luck in the Final match. Do you have any words for my audience in the United States?”

Team Capt: I am Sadu Madiga, the first son of Gadik Madiga, the most popular black farmer in Nigeria who was murdered in the land dispute in my country.  

Mid Fielder: I am barrister Olumide Williams. I represent Mohammed Abacha, son of the late Gen. Sani Abacha, who was the former military head of state in Nigeria.  

Goalie: MY NAME IS MR.EMMAM SULE, THE MANAGER CREDIT AND FOREIGN BILLS OF ECOBANK OF NIGERIA PLC. Stephany: “o…k… Ummm, those are interesting introductions, containing lots of information.”  

Sadu Madiga: Speaking of information, Miss Stephany… YOU ARE REQUESTED TO SEND YOUR PHONE NUMBER, BANK ACCOUNT, SWIFT NUMBER, NAME OF YOUR BANK, ADDRESS AND PHONE OF YOUR BANK FOR EASIER COMMUNICATION WITH OUR CLEARING CORRESPONDENCE BANK TO YOUR BANK.  

Stephany: What does any of that have to do with winning the soccer gold?  

Barrister Olumide: After we get your info AND the gold we will repay your humanitarian assistance with 35% of the Gold.  

Stephany: (pointing out window) Oh My GAWD… LOOK OUT THE WINDOW! IT’S PELE and DAVID BECKHAM!” (then I ran away!)

A few hours later, I met a US women’s Water Polo player. They had just finished a match with the Netherlands. I had a chance to speak with Betsey Armstrong, one of the US Silver Medal winning water polo players about the supposed violence in water polo.

Women’s water polo players are very stout. People tell me that Water polo is a violent game. Watching the action via underwater camera reminded me of my recent trip to Homosassa State Park in Florida.

Why does Women’s water polo remind me of my trip to Homosassa State Park in Florida? Well, while I was there I saw a herd of manatees grappling with each other. Either for fun or for 1st dibs on the choicest selection of nearby seaweed, I couldn’t tell. But violent? Nah… Impressive physical specimens... um… the water polo players too.  

Stephany: Wow, Betsey… that’s a rough game you play. Kind of like Hopscotch. (laughs)  

Betsey: You win, you win. You lose, you still win.  

Stephany: What? Do you think it IS a violent game? Brutal, tough… like boxing, you know?

Betsey: Yeah. Do me a favor.  

Stephany: Sure. What is it?  

Betsey: Hit me in the face.

Stephany: (after a long pause) You want me to do what?

Betsey: You heard me, I said hit me.  

Stephany: C’mon Jake… I mean Betsey… you had a few drinks.

Betsey: Go ahead. I ain’t drunk. Take your best shot. On the jaw.  

Stephany: Jack… Jake… er BETSEY...I aint got no gloves. (I roll my eyes at my atrocious English.)

Betsey: Here’s your glove. (Takes off her water polo cap… hands it to me. I begin to wrap it around my right fist.) Go ahead. Hit me. C’mon don’t worry about it. I want you to hit me with all you got.

Stephany: Uh… well… I will but I sort of hit like a mime… it will look dramatic, but there will be little substance to the punch so it’s probably not really going to prove your point too well.  

Betsey: Never mind, why don’t you go talk to “The Swimmer.”  

Stephany: Ned Merrill? Oh My GOSH!!! You mean… Is Michael Phelps here now?!!!?

Without waiting for her reply, I instinctively turned my head and saw the lanky aquaman striding briskly by. My legs began running toward him before I even summoned them to. Here is the hottest chunk of man on the planet. The most famous face of these Olympic Games, and soon to be the richest 20-something in Baltimore.  

Stephany: Michael! Oh… Mr. Phelps!  

Phelps: Oh shit… how did you get in here, Stephany? Let me see your badge... What the hell is Tonto Balboa? Anyway... I don’t have time to talk. I’ve got a workout now.  

Stephany: Workout? But you’re done. You’ve won all the medals that you can win.

Phelps: Not quite. And stop sending me your icky pictures. Now, if you’ll excuse me.

Stephany: Oh my gawd… you got them? Did you like them... you know I’m wearing that same g-string under my “reporter's suit.” I could show you now… if you want.  

Phelps: NO! Like I said I’m off to a work out. Please leave me alone.  

Stephany: Ok… most men don’t cast off a potential “beneficial friend” so easily, but… can I ask… what exactly are you working out for… you say there are more medals to win? The world thinks you are done, Michael.  

Phelps: Well…I thought so too… but then I heard that there are other events aside from swimming. I need to win Gold in those events as well.  

Stephany: Michael… Mike… Sweetie, you are a swimmer. You can’t just DO another event.  

Phelps: Watch me. I welcome all comments. I use it to fuel my…  

Stephany: Yes… Mike… We know. We’ve heard it 1000 times. You use it as fuel. The entire planet has got it, ok? What on earth do you think you can still win a gold medal in? Video games? (I laughed.)
 
Phelps: Even a stupid lady reporter like you should know about the Marathon on Sunday.  

Stephany: You can’t be serious!

Phelps: You can’t put a limit on anything. The more you dream the farther you get.

Stephany: Oh Stop it! Geeze. Ok, you CAN NOT run 26 miles faster than the people who run 26 miles for their specialty, Mike. It’s impossible. You are a fantastically gifted athlete, but puhleeeze.

Phelps: I wouldn’t say anything is impossible. I think that everything IS possible as long as you…  

Stephany: WILL YOU SHUT UP WITH THAT SHIT!! ARE YOU GOING TO GO WIN THE GOLD IN THE JAVELIN TOO I SUPPOSE?!!  

Phelps: I have the opportunity to…

Stephany: NO, YOU DON’T YOU AVARICIOUS MORON! YES… YES… WHY NOT!????GO AHEAD, WIN THE MARATHON IN RECORD TIME, WIN THE JAVELIN WITH A WORLD RECORD AND…OH I KNOW… WHY DON’T YOU GO WIN THE GOLD MEDAL IN BASKETBALL TOO! AND THEN WHY DON’T YOU DO THE CLOSING CEREMONY ALL BY YOURSELF!!??  

Phelps: I always thought it would be neat to make the Olympic team.  

Stephany: Please… Look at me naked. Please... Live and alone reporting in the Olympic Village - Stephany Ericson.

- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children’s books such as “You Beat That on Expert?” “Momma Don’t Dance and Daddy is a Mime,” and “Artist Schmartist - GO GET A JOB!”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack, she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

NOTE: Like Stephany's rantings and sports coverage? Then check out more of her work in our Sports Archive. Perhaps a pirate is more to your liking? Then how about our Ask a Pirate Archive. Finally, if lighter fare is more to your taste, there's always our Music Article Archive!!!