ASK A PIRATE: HOW TO GET FREE DRINKS, GET A LASS TO BE MORE THAN FRIENDS, AND PIRATE FLAG-MAKING TIPS!

By Melvin, the Pirate

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Ahoy there, mateys!

The Hopwood Games have reached their end, me fine and beauteous readers!

Yours truly took silver in the sail races. Were it not for an ill-timed seagull crash landing into me fleshy tabernacle, I’d have surely earned the gold.

But regrets make for a bitter stew, land-lovers! Better to take heart in the good things ye have, rather than curse for the lack and misery ye find in ye life.

The mail bag’s full to bursting this week! Either me readers have flooded me with questions, or some odd lot’s gone and stuffed dead ravens in me mail.

At any rate, it’s time to take notice:

Walter from Phoenix, AZ writes:

Dear Melvin,

I’m an alcoholic, and it’s costing me more and more money to buy enough booze at a bar to get me hammered. Any tips on how to scam people out of drinks?

Walter, Walter, Walter!

I’m a pirate. Getting free drinks comes natural to a pirate as breathin’ comes to ye.

Give this old favorite a try:

Next time ye visit yer local watering hole, come in wearing a fancy hat. Any fancy hat will do.

When ye spot someone with a fresh drink at their side, sidle over to them, introduce yerself, and cover their drink with yer fancy hat.

Bet them an unlimited round of drinks that ye can drink their drink without picking up the hat.

Once they accept yer wager, go crazy. Jump up and down. Make fake slurping sounds for about a minute or two.

Then, wipe off yer face, burp, and tell yer sucker that ye’ve finished their drink, and they can check it out for themselves.

When they lift the hat, grab their drink and down it all in one gulp.

Ye’ll be swimmin’ in liquor in no time!

Elmer from San Pedro, CA asks:

Melvin,

I really like this girl, but I feel like I’m stuck in the friend zone with her. How can I let her know I’m not just her buddy, but a sensual, attractive guy?

One word, me gentle dreamer:

Wrestling.

Pretty words, soft glances, holding open a door – those are all fine and fair. But if ye want to make the muscles under her dress quiver for yer eager thrusts, ye need to wrestle her.

Timing is everything. Ye can’t just meet her and throw her on the ground. Ye’ve got to take something from her that she wants back – a purse, a wallet, her keys.

Keep it light, and start the wrestling at a gentle pace. Then, when ye see that she’s starting to enjoy herself, get to tickling!

Pretty soon, one of you will have the upper hand, and yer faces will be so close ye can feel their hot, ribald breath on yer neck. Kiss her then. Gently, but with enough force to let her know that this was no accident, that yer union is meant to be.

Scarlett from Bridgeport, CT writes:

Dear Melvin the Pirate,

I’ve been working on a new pirate flag for a week now, but I’m running out of good ideas. I want something that will bring suspense and fear. Any suggestions?

Ye can’t go wrong with skulls, Scarlett.

A skeleton’s a sobering sight, when drawn correctly. Black is also a key color to use for yer background.

As for personal flair, why not go with a giant pair of blood-drenched eyes? That will soil the knickers of yer victims!

Got a question for Melvin? Leave a comment!

- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.

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