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Ahoy there, mateys!
With less than a month to go until Talk Like a Pirate Day, I thought I’d give ye a few points on making yer surly speech fierce and true.
When it comes to the exclamation “AARGH,” it can be used, but not as much as ye might have been led to believe.
See, most of the squabblers I know who utter this word suffer from tooth decay, one of the wicked side effects a hellish life at sea can bring ye.
What I’m saying is that the exclamation isn’t used so much to frighten cowards as it is to prevent a pirate from crying in pain every time a stray breeze comes across the cavities in his gullet.
And, it’s getting a great deal of pirates a mite angry to hear land-lovers use the word “avast” incorrectly. Sure, it be a fine nautical word, but it only means to hold fast or stop a physical action.
“Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?” is not pirate talk, and in the wrong circles, would merit ye a broken bottle stabbed clear through yer neck.
Now, on to the mail bag!!
Melvin,
What kind of self-respecting pirate spends time on the internet?
Anonymous
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it clear a thousand times, ye cowards!! Use yer name, if ye got the stomach to send a message.
When it comes to the pirate mind, me kinfolk, be they land-walkers or sea dogs, are consumed with the object of getting rich by taking whatever they can, when they can.
And, because I’ve hung up me plundering days in exchange for the life a therapist, I use the Internet to keep watch on me clients and friends, as well as witness the criminal acts they perform through the web.
It’s very thrilling, I tell ye!
Dear Melvin the Pirate,
What’s the scariest name for a pirate ship you’ve ever encountered?
Blood Sampson, first mate for the pirate ship Cruelty
Blood Sampson, I’ve heard of ye!
Yer captain, Artemis Stain, is a friend of mine. Good man, very noble and kind.
The most fearful ship name I’ve ever encountered was The Morning Star. I was a young pirate then, barely had my taste of fight and love, and we had spotted the vessel coming towards us with no motion to alter course.
We fired every scrap of cannon ball and musket we had at the beast. Nothing kept her from her course.
Finally, we had no choice but to turn back from whence we came to avoid death. And, as we turned our tails and ran, the last image we saw was of the captain and his crew all lashed to their posts, their eyes ravenous and evil.
In short, what ye name a pirate ship means far less than how ye make the name yer own.
Dear Melvin,
I enjoy the wenches, and they love me plenty. But I have a problem making me pleasure last longer. Any remedies for an over-active spirit?
Miles from California
Miles, yer worrying far too much about being the best in the bedroom, and it’s causing ye to finish quicker than what be pleasing.
As ye mount yer fine and shiny lover, focus on the following things:
Are you vulnerable to attack from a rival pirate while loving? If so, how can you fight back at a moment’s notice?
Suppose Blackbeard visits ye from beyond the grave and offers ye a choice: either ye can live forever and be poor, or live for a day and have all the wealth ye can imagine.
Which one would ye take, and why?
What exactly would be a cockswain, and is there a better name for it?
These tasks will help ye to make the time ye love stretch for as long as fifteen minutes, Miles.
Any other questions? Leave me a comment!
- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.
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