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Ahoy there, mateys!
As the fine and fair nations o’ the world come together this week to test their physical might, so do we pirates from every color and passion congregate every few years in a show of strength and mental dexterity.
It be called the Hopwood Games, named after a little-known pirate by the name ‘o Hiram Hopwood, who managed to run 24 miles to warn his mates about an upcoming attack before the pain of being shot in the belly put the touch o’ death into him.
I plan to compete this year in the sail races, an event that starts with ye standing atop the crow’s nest with a cutlass in yer hands. When the whistle blows, ye jump towards the main sail, using only the heat of yer blade to cut the sail and slow yer landing.
Judges grade ye on yer finesse, speed and control of descent, and whether or not ye survived the fall.
Whether ye plan to compete this week, or simply wish to cheer on the athletes who devote their lives to glory, I wish ye all a rich and delicious time!
Now, on to the mail bag!
Dear Melvin,
I know you keep warning people to use sunscreen when out in the heat. Last week, I bought one of those cheap spray-on sunscreens and ended up getting sunburned anyway. Any tips on how to cope with the pain?
Itchy in Indio
Well, Itchy, yer first mistake was with that spray-on sunscreen.
Ever try taking a bath from the water a whale spurts with her blow hole? It’s the same trouble. There’s no way to control the stream, and yer bound to leave some places on yer body unattended.
When it comes to proper sun screen application, just put it on ye hands, and rub it in. It be the only way to ensure that all your wide and open spaces remain pink and pretty.
As for treating yer burns, no finer salve exists other than whale oil.
Sure, it smells horrendous, but it makes yer skin feel safe and secure, like a wee baby.
Dear Melvin, the So-Called Pirate,
I think your advice is stupid. If I ever meet you, I’m gonna keelhaul you and then make you walk the plank, matey! Aaargh!
Sincerely,
September 19th is for Losers
Well, Sept. 19th, I know that many folks aren’t kind to pirate advice.
Maybe because it’s not doused up in cheap perfume and tarted up like a Venetian whore. It comes from instinct and honesty, and that can be surely frightening.
But, here’s a question for you and my readers, September 19th. Without looking at the Internet or any other resources, can you tell me what exactly keelhauling is and how it was done?
I didn’t think so.
It was a form of punishment where sailors were dragged from one side of the ship, under the water to the keel of the vessel, emerging from out of the other side. If the crew pulled them out too slowly, the victim died. Pulled too quickly, and the massive amounts of cuts and wounds earned would kill ye in a matter of days.
The Dutch and British Navy used this torture all the time.
Pirates, not so much.
Dear Melvin,
I really like this guy at work, and I want to ask him out. However, should I avoid doing that just I don’t make work even more stressful for me?
Lonely in Los Alamitos
Lonely, life is stress. From the moment ye rise to the moment sleep cradles ye in its quiet power, stress is that very force that shapes and defines ye.
However, looking for romance at work can be a big mistake. There’s no way to process the feelings you have for one another on your own. And, should feelings get hurt, working together will only add to the gossip mill.
Instead of looking for a lifetime of love at home, try volunteering, or other hobbies that take ye out of the house.
The more people ye meet in your life, the more people you’ll meet.
Got any questions? Leave me a comment!
- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.
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