TontoandFriends.com

By Stephany Ericson - stephany.ericson@hotmail.com
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The sheer amount of frustration one must deal with to battle through PR people, Agents (why in the hell am I capitalizing their job titles? They are piss ants all...) and wives etc. just to get some answers to burning questions. And then there is the near impossible task of pinning down the interviewee. Where are they? In Wisconsin or Mississippi, Boston or Los Angeles, Atlanta or Los Angeles. Of Anaheim.

Finally, New York is where my quarry heads. His arrival in New York as the new quarterback for the Jets, while fairly un-expected does stir up a heated decades long turf rivalry with the San Jose Sharks. Here is my interview with Broadway Brett!

Stephany: Well, Mr. Favre, nice to see you again! Did you realize that your new team name rhymes with your name? How do you feel about playing here in New York? Any loyalty issues? Any other teams you’d like to play for?

Broadway Brett: When you’re a Jet You’re a Jet all the way Just 8 snaps in A-Town 16 YEARS in Green Bay When you’re a Jet When the shit hits the fan You’ll have DE's around The new quarterback, man Our O line’s a joke So lazy, FAT and pork fed Favre wins he don’t choke I’m the best that ever has led Ask any Cheesehead Now I’m a Jet With a capital J Which you’ll never forget Till my next “retiring day” When you’re a Jet You stay a Jet!

Stephany: Ok… um… into Sondheim then are you Brett? We’ll be back with Brett in a moment… I am now joined on the phone with San Jose Sharks team Captain Patrick Marleau.  

Stephany: Welcome Patrick! Or is it Pa TREEK? Oh dear… too many happy pills on the plane. Anyway this news of future Hall of Famer Brett Favre – a man with an intensely Canadian sounding last name, now playing for your bitter sworn enemies has to have you Sharks feeling less than chummy about your next rumble with the Jets. Pa TREEK: The Sharks are gonna have their way tonight. Eh? Stephany: Interesting choice of words, Pa TREEK… Did you know that when you included your colloquialism “eh” at the end there, it really screwed up the syntax of that lyric? And… do you always answer interview questions with lyrics? Pa TREEK: (snaps fingers in slow rhythm) Stephany: I see… not always then… What are your feelings about Brett’s new Head Coach? Oops... I’ve lost my notes, what is his name, by the way? - my notes are incomplete. This is not good.  

“Marleau”: He just met a coach named Man GEEEE KNEEEEEE And sadly his whole game Will never be the same Again Man GEEEEE KNEEEEEEE The plays are sent in from Man GEEEE KNEEE Sounds like a Lamp bound Male Spritely… That Aladdin could free rubbing lightly.. Man geee kneeeee He’ll never cow tow to Man geeee kneeeee  

Stephany: Brett let me get you back in here. What are your feelings about your next Shark encounter?

Broadway Brett: The Jets are gonna have their day tonight!

Stephany: Wow… that was gravelly and out of tune, don’t quit your day job, Brett. Again. Now, Brett... since this trade has been finalized can you tell us truthfully… would you rather be playing still for the Green Bay Packers?

Broadway Brett: I like the Green of the New York Jets I like the White of the New York Jets Chad Pennington of the New York Jets No #10 on the New York Jets

Stephany: Well… you two are lucky you are somewhat clever with your lyrics… because your singing truly sucks. Let me ask you this - not because I want to, but I have a sick friend… or colleague that wrote the question out and promised a favor if I could ask it of you. What do you think of Mimes in general?

Broadway Brett: They are awesome. If I weren’t doing this football thing, I’d be on a plane to Gay Pareee to study the International School of Corporeal Mime. I saw a guy in Portland last year do a piece where he was clobbering an author with a sock filled with nails… then a sock filled with RUSTY nails... and he was sooo good the whole crowd could tell the difference between the 2 socks. Amazing!  

Stephany: You have got to be shitting me, Brett. Did Linus put you up to that response? Holy shit… Linus… you are on the premises aren’t you, you white faced silverback miming monkey. Stay away from me and MY INTERVIEW!!!  

Broadway Brett: Who is Linus? That kid that carries the blanket around on the Peanuts comic? Hey I need to get ready for my 1st practice… uh… are we finished? Stephany: You know what Brett… I didn’t even want to do this stupid interview… you’ve been such an attention whore the last few weeks with your “please reinstate me” BS… and now I do interview you and all you do is sing parodies of “WEST SIDE STORY??!!” I hope the Jets trade you to Chicago where you will be the back up to Kyle Orton. Lol! Yeah, I’d LOVE to see you behind Orton on the depth chart! HA HA! NOW STARTING KYLE ORTON AND HIS DOG BRETT!!! IF YOU WANT A WINNING TEAM GO SEE KYLE, IF YOU WANT A SUPER BOWL GO SEE KYLE… IF YOU WANT A GOOD QB THEN CHIAGO’S WHERE YOU’LL BE GO SEE KYLE GO SEE KYLE GO SEE KYLE!!! How ‘bout those apples Brett??! I can sing PARODY too… you dope.

Broadway Brett: Go See Kyle?

Stephany: Yes, you miscreant Mississippi Attention whore… go see Kyle!

Broadway Brett: See Kyle?  

Stephany: SEE KYLE!!! Cal Worthington, His Dog Spot, Dana Rohrbacher, John Wayne, Bill O’Rielly, Earl Weaver, Billy Martin, Jose Canseco, Nick Rivers, Vladamir Shostokovich. Sieg Hei...[EDITOR'S NOTE: Stephany Ericson is a severely mentally ill individual. Ummm, just imagine her chanting a certain phrase... - Tonto] Linus… you are dead.  

- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children's books (“The Low Down,” “Eat this for a Quarter,” and “Daddy has Stubble in Funny Places.”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.  

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