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I’ve found my candidate!
I know who’s getting my vote!
Finally, finally, finally, there’s a candidate who gets it. Finally a candidate speaks to me, and my people. The professional bums finally have voice! The voice of change…
Spare change!
During my interview with presumptive Republican nominee John “Boxcar” McCain, I asked him for some spare change and he told me to go see the black guy.
Turns out, that black guy is none other than presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama.
I had to track down the guy who was basing his whole candidacy on the idea of spare change. I felt such a connection to this man and his ideas, that I knew that we were destined to be great friends.
Or at the very least, I was positive he would spare enough for me to score a 40 oz and a Hustler.
Slocomb Jones: Thanks for your time, Senator. On a personal level, your message really strikes home with me.
Senator Barack Obama: You’re welcome, Mr. Jones. I believe change is something all Americans need right now.
Slocomb Jones: I couldn’t agree more. I’ve been fighting for it my whole life. Working tirelessly on the streets for it since as long as I can remember.
Senator Barack Obama: Me too. And let me tell you right now that one of my key platforms in particular is to bring a good deal amount of change to the homeless, Mr. Jones.
SJ: Holy shit!!! I can’t wait!
SBO: We still have a lot of hard work to do between now and November.
SJ: What’s in November?
SBO: The election.
SJ: Ah, OK. That’s when it is. Good. Will it interfere with the free turkey at the end of the month?
SBO: Thanksgiving?
SJ: Whatever you fancy pants call it.
SBO: No, hopefully there won’t be any hiccups with the election process and I’ll be president before the midnight on Nov. 4th.
SJ: Where did you come up with your nickname?
SBO: Well, before I was truly comfortable with my diverse background, “Barry” made it easier for me to fit in, so to speak –
SJ: Who’s “Barry?” I’m talking about Barack! That’s a great bum name. It’s powerful, but sorta funny, a bit folksy, but with a sense of mystery and adventure –
SBO: No. No. Barack is my given birth name.
SJ: Amazing! Your parents had insight like no other… OK, let’s get back to change –
SBO: My favorite topic.
SJ: Mine as well! What’s your favorite type of change? For me, I like when you get a handful that’s just dropped in your lap, a cacophony of shiny change. I mean, sure, there might be a receipt for something old, or an empty matchbook, but it’s that change, even if it’s dented or not so shiny, it’s the change that matters!
SBO: That’s very eloquent. You know I tend to agree with you –
SJ: Oh, oh, oh, I take that back. My absolute favorite kind of change is when you lay down for a good long nap and when you wake up, there’s change scattered all about your person. It’s like waking up to a new dawn in America.
SBO: That’s precisely the type of change I plan to spread throughout the nation. Everyone will soon have a country that will sparkle with change and give people a new motivation to go out spread change of their own.
SJ: Wait a second, this just gets better and better… you mean, part of your plan is to encourage other people, strangers, to go out there and give change as well?
SBO: Of course! One man can’t do it himself. Could you imagine the type of change we could bring if everyone chipped in, even a little bit?
SJ: That’s a world I’ve been dreaming about for decades!
SBO: Me too.
SJ: Before I let you go, I was wondering if you could spare a little?
SBO: A little what?
SJ: You know, some change? I mean, come on.
SBO: Change comes from inside, my friend.
SJ: What?! The hell it does! And don’t start with that “my friend” crap.
SBO: I think we’re confused here. Do you want a handout?
SJ: Yeah! What do you think this is, “Who’s on first?” Let’s get that change goin!
SBO: There’s a difference between real change and some handout.
SJ: Not in my world, pal!
SBO: You want some handout, go see the green guy.
SJ: Green guy? What in the hell do aliens have to do with giving a guy who’s down on his luck a few bucks?! Politicians… man, all the same. All talk. No change.
Not even spare change.
- Slocomb Jones has been a professional bum for over 50 years. In April 2007, he officially announced his retirement as a bum, and has segued into a successful second career as a retired bum and part-time bum coach/advisor. Ironically, he’s busier now that he’s retired than he’s ever been in his entire life.
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