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Ahoy there, mateys!
Labor Day is a fine celebration for a pirate therapist like meself! Managed to squeeze in a few couples’ therapy sessions and a belly-burstin’ feast all in one day.
May yer spirits be bright this glorious week, and may yer bellies be full of vigor and slow-grilled delights!
Now, the mail bag awaits!
Dear Pirate,
how would you write a short ransome note demanding the presence of a bunch of 4 year olds to attend a birthday party of a fellow pirate inorder for him to be released?! I'd hate for everyone to get scurvy for not showing up to the big event! =)
If ransom note tips are what ye fancy, try an older article on the site. It covers the basics on how to make these notes specific and attractive.
But, let’s cut to the heart of yer message, stranger.
It’s swine like you who besmirch the name of every good pirate. And yer tone is a clear example of yer cowardly, wicked nature.
Scurvy is no laughin’ matter, friends. Long before it was properly treated, thousands of brave pirates succumbed to the foul curse. Fingernails dropped out of their hands, noses bled for no earthly reason, and teeth held no haven in a scurvy-ridden lad’s life.
And, even today, there be a few poor or mistaken folk who ignore the need for Vitamin C and end up shittin’ themselves into an early grave.
Scurvy killed more pirates than any lawman, pirate battle, or wench combined.
It was AIDS for the working thief of the sea. And, as a therapist, let me tell ye how racked with despair and shame a swashbuckler be when pus-filled wounds creep up along his thighs.
Take yer medicine, readers, and stay healthy!
Dear Melvin the Pirate,
I work at an office where the boss loves to hug everybody. I’m not much for physical contact, but I want to make a good impression. What hug techniques should I use?
Climbing the Corporate Ladder in Chicago
Well, Climbing – we all have to make concessions for the sake of financial gain. Once, I took on a cannibal as a patient because me beloved pet Belvedere needed an operations, and my coffers were low. And, even though the rogue tried to skin me alive on no fewer than four occasions, I found the experience to be quite rewarding.
The best trick I can tell ye is to mirror what yer boss does in a hug. Let him start and end the hug sessions. Match him in strength, application of hands, and muttered gestures.
He’ll find comfort in your motions, and soon, ye’ll be staking a claim on a corner office!
Hey Gay Pirate Dude,
My buddies and me got a Ouija board, and want to summon Blackbeard so he can kick ass at our high school. Any other pirates we should bring back from the dead?
Ryan from Halsey, Oregon
Ryan, for the love of all that be holy, do not play with such artifacts!!
Many a fool has taken to the game, only to have the mandibles of death grip themselves around their throats and crush them into oblivion.
But, if talkin’ with the dead is what ye want, I say skip the pirate celebrities like Blackbeard (who gets so much séance play, he practically only makes an appearance for wenches and gold) and call on some the of the lesser-known pirates, like Sneezing Tyler.
Word has it every time his nostrils shuddered, murder itself danced in his eyes.
Plus, he could probably drink ye under the table, Ryan, as Sneezing Tyler was a pirate who loved his drink. Just don’t make his nose itch, or ye house will become a dark and fetid grave.
Questions?
Comments?
Send them to me!
- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.
NOTE: If you want more of Melvin, there's our Ask a Pirate Archive. Is a Pirate too "old school" for ya? Well, you'll be dazzled by our Internet/Video Game Article Archive. Finally, everyone loves movies, yeah? So why not visit our Film Review Article Archive!!!
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