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Ahoy there, mateys!
I be hosting a wellness seminar these past two weeks. Pirates and land-lovers the world around have come to scrape off the barnacles of negative self-thought and give their minds a chance to be free and clear.
There be much love in the air, my fine and fearsome readers!
And, the mail bag awaits!!
Dear Melvin,
I think pirates are pretty cool. I’d like to write a pirate song to impress my friends at the coffee shop where I work. Any tips on how to make a good pirate song?
Cyrus in Montebello, CA
Cyrus, I’m glad ye asked. All too often, a songwriter gets to writing a piece ‘o music about the iconoclastic pirate and fails to spark the tune with even the tiniest amount of verisimilitude, so to say.
Pirates aren’t indestructible, for example. We don’t sing half-brained melodies like “sixteen men on a dead man’s chest." We don’t consider the word “booty” to harbor any puns.
The first step to an excellent pirate song is to make sure it’s a strong, steady beat. If ye song be slow and pensive, it’s not a pirate tune.
Remember, pirates started singing in order to keep time together as they pulled the ropes. That’s why it has to be a perfect, simple rhythm.
Then, keep the lyrics honest. Pirates steal, lie, and have more gumption in their left pinky toe than most creatures muster in their lifetimes.
Write from the heart, and yer song will shine.
Dear Melvin the Pirate,
I was drunk out ‘o me wits last weekend, and mistakenly challenged a man twice me size to a duel. How can I bow out of the occasion without coming across as a coward?
Shoestring the Brave
Shoestring, if I’ve told a pirate once, I’ve told them a thousand times: Don’t be writing checks with your drunken tongue that yer actions won’t bloody cash!
Ye’ve got two options: if ye be friends with a pirate who’s twice as mean and twice as big as the man yer set to duel, have him make a second challenge to him, but before yer battle takes place. Once he kills the villain, yer in the clear.
Or, if ye have no brave friends to help ye, cheat.
Show up at the duel, choose broadswords as yer weapon of choice, and before the duel starts, shoot yer mark dead in the eyes with yer pistol. It’s not glamorous, but it ain’t death.
Dear Melvin,
I’m in love with a man, but there’s one thing about him which drives me crazy. He has the worst breath ever. I can’t even kiss him without holding back a gag. What can I do to keep our relationship alive?
Chelsea in St. Paul, MN
Chelsea, I imagine yer the kind sort who doesn’t want to tell yer love flat out that their breath be rotten.
So, start chewing gum like crazy. Whenever yer around him, offer him a piece or five. Then, kiss him with the gum still clutched in yer teeth, using it to scrape off the flotsam and jetsam that makes his mouth a vile prison of waste.
Any questions? Send me yer woes!
- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.
NOTE: There more sage advice from Melvin in our Ask a Pirate Archive. But that's not all! There plenty of sage in our Film Article Archive and some not-so-sage advice in our Crime Article Archive!!!
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