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By Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com  

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Hey.

I love Las Vegas.

Women there appreciate a good performance artist with a fist full of recently stolen cash. There are plenty of dark alleys to satisfy your business and personal needs.

The clowns in Vegas are walking bags of failure, and smacking them is like ripping apart a European-flavored piñata. And, more importantly, there’s always someone in Vegas who’s doing something a little bit beyond the law to distract from your dirty work.

Case in point: On September 13, 2007, I may or may not have duct-taped someone to the roof of the Luxor Hotel, then covered them with honey and birdseed so the crows could have something to eat while they pecked him to death.

But, if I did something like that, I knew it wouldn’t get nearly as much attention as OJ leading a crew of people into the Palace Station that night and robbing a sports dealer at gunpoint. Now, his trial starts ASAP, and in honor of O.J., I’d like to point out a few helpful tools in making your next armed robbery successful:

1) Don’t be cocky about it - Look, I know you dodged one high-profile trial before, but that’s no reason to say stupid shit about your newest crime, like "I'm O.J. Simpson. How am I going to think that I'm going to rob somebody and get away with it? Besides, I thought what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas."

2) Don’t go rob somebody with a friend of yours who makes money off of stupid people like you - O.J. got tipped off about his sports memorabilia being in the possession of this seller through a personal friend, Thomas Riccio. The same guy who helped sell Anna Nicole Smith's diary for half a million – SURPRISE – brought a fucking recorder to the robbery.  

3) Don’t bring wimps to your armed robbery party - Charles Cashmore and Walter Alexander have agreed to lesser sentences in order to squeal on O.J. Remember, you can’t trust anyone but yourself when it comes to crime.  

4) Keep out of sight - If I was O.J., the second the acquittal verdict was read for the first trial I would’ve stolen a jet, and shipped my ass to some random country like Argentina. Start my life anew. But, because he didn’t, everybody’s just waiting for the dumb bastard to fall. Good ol’ American jealousy!

Any other armed robbery tips? Send me a comment!
 
- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.  

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