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Hey.
Everybody talks about how open and equal as a society we've become. Take a look at our Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates, they say. This is the land of milk and honey, where any poor kid can become as rich and as fabulous as they want, as long as they aren't afraid of hard work.
Bullshit.
AIG makes a ton of major-league fuck-ups, and the government steps in to keep the business alive.
Meanwhile, I'm stabbing rats with paper clips in order to get a good source of protein (Hey, a mime can't live just on Necco Wafers, tasty as they are).
And the people who get three square meals a day making laws aren't spreading justice, either.
In Italy, the courts finally struck down a rule that said that a woman wearing tight pants cannot possibly be a rape victim because there's no way the pants could be removed unless she helped take them off.
Really?
Really?
I've had my share (and your share, and hell, a fifth of Tonto's share) of retail love, and I've ordered the "Wriggling Wendy." Basically nothing more than your garden-variety sex worker, tight clothes, and a bowie knife.
You're supposed to shuck her clothes like the husk off corn.
They charge you up the ass if you draw blood. I never miss.
Yeah, I know it's no shocker that women still come out as second-class citizens in the eyes of the law, especially when it comes to sex and babies.
But, instead of sitting there stewing quietly with rage, why not use these antiquated laws to your advantage, and let your criminal mind make some money while you're at it?
Here's how!
1) Baby Boom - I haven't heard much about this Sarah Palin person, but I heard she's not too fond of abortions. Try this: Gather as many women as you can and drop off sackloads of newborn babies at her door daily. Just carpet her front lawn with some old fashioned manure-makers and thumb suckers!
As you step up the volume of babies each day, keep several people hidden in the background with cameras. Eventually, you're gonna get a picture of Sarah Palin accidentally snapping off a baby's jaw with her high heels. That photo will get you a shitload of money. Whether you want to sell it back to her for a cool profit, or give the tabloids a chance to print it is up to you.
2) Math Hustle - If stereotypes are to be believed, women aren't so hot in math.
Use this ignorance to lighten some wallets.
Hang around the bars outside Caltech. Eventually, you'll strike up a conversation with some dickless giant who wants to show off his math knowledge. Give him the wide eyes and giggles. Pretend that you think Pythagoras is a kind of handbag.
Then, when you're getting cozy with the sap, mention it's your birthday. That will spur him on to try to tell you the odds of someone at the bar having a better than even chance of sharing your birthday. Stop him with a kiss, and make him a bet that you can guess the answer. Once he steps up to the plate, tell him there has to be at least 183 people in the bar so that there's a better than even chance someone else has your same birthday, and take the cash.
Repeat until rich.
3) Lysis-who? - You want change, women? Withhold the goodies until the people who lust after you agree to your whims. Trust me, a horny person would shoot their own dog if it meant getting their dirty itches scratched!
Any other ideas?
Send me a comment!
- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.
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