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Things are really starting to look up for 'ol Tonto.
I was recently asked to be on a panel about what "not" to do after retiring from professional sports.
The girl at the massage parlor turned out to "not" have HPV! (bullet dodged on that one!)
And... I'm in serious, serious debt!
Now, wait, you must be thinking, "What's so good about being in massive debt?!"
I know, I woke up this morning thinking the exact same thing, but the top story on Yahoo! spoke otherwise (good thing there weren't any Top Dating Tips or that Amy Winehouse didn't snort any chalk dust in this news cycle. Otherwise, the press would've totally missed out on this story).
The US Government is bailing people out of debt. Companies are being saved! Whoo-hoo!
Finally! Finally! Finally! Tontoandfriends.com is going to erase all of its debts.
I immediately called the Federal Reserve this morning to ask when I should be expecting my bailout check, and they said that I needed to apply for a bailout, so I've been furiously working on my application about why my business (which you read on a daily basis - I hope!) needs to be saved!
Here's what I have so far:
Jobs! - This website has created many jobs for people who would have trouble finding employment elsewhere.
Stephany Ericson - Children's writer. She doesn't truly possess what many employers would call a "hirable skill-set" but here she does! She's been able to grow in her position here as a staff writer into our foremost sports reporter.
Thanks to the daily stress of her job, she's doubled the amount of Vicodin she needs to be "functional," hence creating more work in the local Rite Aid pharmaceutical industry. Jobs creating jobs!
Plus, her notoriety here has helped her sell more children's book (biggest sales were made with "Artist Schmartist GO GET A JOB!" "Eat this for a Quarter," and "Daddy has Stubble in Funny Places") across the nation, creating more jobs in the publishing and childhood psychology field!
Linus the Angry Mime - Street Mime/Underground Entrepreneur. Thanks to the money that Linus earns here as a staff writer, he's able to focus more of his time creating art and growing his side business which he jokingly refers to as "organ harvesting" (it must be a metaphor for something else!).
His success here allows him to help other unrelated industries grow! That's trickle-UP! economics, baby!
Vans McCoy - As our film writer, Vans McCoy has truly flourished and has influenced local economies like no other! He now spends more time going out to see films which directly increases his odds of being arrested on "some fucking trumped up charge" in Vans' own words. These wasteful arrests create more work for local law enforcement (go unions!), court personnel, public defenders, and cab drivers.
Vans might call that a pain in the ass. I call it giving back!
The Schmooz - Schmooz has been able to successfully parlay his fame here as a Love/Music writer into a rebirth of sorts in his singing/sexing career. He can now resume his relentless touring/laying schedule, which only brings more wealth to seedy nightclubs/free clinics from coast-to-coast!
Slocomb Jones - I'm most proud of Slocomb Jones! He turned the experiences he learned as a 30+ year professional bum into a thriving retirement boosted by a second career as a part-time staff writer. Thanks to my site, I've been able to create a new job for someone who never knew what it was like to be employed!
Liquor stores have been thanking me ever since (they prefer the paper money versus a plastic sack of unsorted pennies and nickels)!
Essential Services Provided - Getting through a day at work is always a pain in the ass. That's one of the main reasons why I became a professional boxer. It's better to get punched than punch a clock. Many would say it's less painful too.
My point being that the humor, insight, and comedy our job providers (my staff writers) give to the Internet surfing public helps them make it through their time as a M-F desk jockey, which makes them able to perform their work function that much easier.
Reason For Bailout - Things like rent, food, gasoline, clothing, etc. get in the way of running a successful business empire. I have to provide Insurance for all my employees - Schmooz requires condoms; Vans requires the need to be bailed out when needed himself; Linus needs "fresh tissue for his art... yeah, that's it you idiot!"; Stephany needs the pills that "make the past go away"; and so on.
This stuff isn't cheap. So far, my friends in the credit card industry have been helping me along way with a 27.9% APR and I need to start paying them back.
So Gimmie That Money, Uncle Sam!!!
- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.
NOTE: If you liked this plea for cash, there's plenty more political ranting in our Political Article Archive. Tired of politics? Who can blame ya! Find comfort in our Ask a Pirate Archives. Yeah, right! No pirate can help you, you say?! Take a load off and learn some tricks of the trade (for entertainment purposes only!!!) in our Crime Article Archive!!!
3 comments:
it's hard to object to the government's mass bailouts since similar debt-producing methods were put into action to bring the U.S. out of the Depression... our economy has been supported and driven by debt ever since
Wonderful logic Tonto...keep it up.
Yeah, well... the government with its history and debt of course with bailouts taking into consideration credit and... crap, I don't know what I'm talking about.
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