New Baseball Metaphors for Sarah Palin!!!

By Bustamante - therealbustamante@hotmail.com

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If I'd known any better, I would have thought I was watching a baseball game last week. As far as I'm concerned, the only sports worth playing, let alone watching are ultimate Frisbee and co-ed naked hackeysack.

"Knocked one out of the park."

"Hit a home run."

"A double play ticket."

So what the hell was I watching? The Republican National Convention. More specifically, the Sarah Palin speech.

But, from the way they described the speech, you'd think I was watching a high-level athlete, when instead, I was watching a high-level phony and fraud. Thankfully, I was comforted by my Vegan macaroni and cheese with chopped veggie sausage; of course, I topped it off with a pinch (or ten) of my special herbs and spices for that extra kick!

So, baseball metaphors, huh? That's what seems to get the blood pumping for these knuckle draggers.

Believe it or not, your old pal Bustamante knows a thing or two about our National Pastime - no, not reality TV and illiteracy, stop thinking that you little cynic, I'm talking baseball! The crack of the bat, the snap of a new glove, growing little patches of [censored] in the visiting team's bullpen at the local high school. I know baseball well.

Being a baseball expert, I would love to offer up some new baseball metaphors for the GOP to "lead off" with as we approach the election.

"Squeeze Play" - A manager calls on the batter to lay down a bunt in hopes of scoring the runner from third. Normally, the batter is thrown out.

As it applies: You know that whole thing where Palin fired someone because that person wouldn't fire Palin's ex-brother-in-law?

Example: "Boy, oh boy, I gotta tell ya, Gov. Palin sure did put the squeeze play down on that unsuspecting trooper!"

"Bean Ball" - A pitch thrown where the sole purpose is to hit the batter in the head. A literal assault on the brain cells of an unsuspecting batter coming from a pitcher doing what they "think is right."

As it applies: While Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, Sarah Palin was an advocate of banning certain books from the library, and blatant attack on the thinking ability a person (batter) has. Of course, this was all done out of fear of the dreaded "F" word. You know... freedom.

As an aside, Palin tried unsuccessfully to fire the librarian who wouldn't go along with the deal.

Example: "Holy crap, Mayor Palin sure did toss a bean ball at the residents of Wasilla... then she went and tried to pull a squeeze play on the local librarian!"

"Wild Card Hunt" - An extra playoff race for teams not good enough to win their division, but still might be good enough for the playoffs."

As it applies: Six months ago, Palin told the members of the Alaskan Independence Party to keep up their good work and wished them further good will and luck. Their mission: to remove Alaska from the US.

Strange, considering she's on a ticket that runs on "country first." But, I guess that's only a slogan.

Example: "Jeez, looks like Palin doesn't think Alaska has the talent to win their division, but she sure is pulling for them to make a run in the Wild Card Hunt."

"Balk" - Despite being the funniest sounding baseball rule, it's actually pretty serious. It's when a pitcher makes a mistake in their windup/delivery and any base runners are allowed a free base as a result.

As it applies: During her convention speech, Palin alluded to the fact that she fought wasteful govt. spending by getting rid of a private plane and "putting it on ebay..." Her language implied that she actually sold it. It didn't sell on ebay. Instead, it was sold to an entrepreneur for $300k less than the asking price and is now used to take wealthy hunters to shoot Moose.

Example: "I hate wasteful spending of tax dollar too, but Palin sure did pull a balk on that whole plane ebay thing."

"Switch Hitting" - A crafty hitter who is able to be a competent batter from both sides of the plate.

As it applies: OK, Palin's family of out of bounds as far as the media is concerned. That's fair and should apply to all politicians' families. However, when you use your children to make political points (sending a son to Iraq War, suddenly being an advocate for special needs kids, and justifying a pro-life stance with a daughter as an example), you're having it both ways.

Example: "When it comes to her family, Palin sure does act as a switch hitter."

"Intentional Walk" - Disguised as a strategy, it's when a picther is afraid to do their job: pitch to a batter. Instead, they give them a free base which could potentially hurt their team if the next batter gets a hit.

As it applies: The media has been very busy trying to decide what Palin's impact on the race will be when they should be covering her entry into the race. It's not their job to "decide" it's to report. Who is she? Where does she come from? What's her positions?

All there's been in phony analysis from people trying to look like they're doing their job when they're just afraid to actually do their job. Just like when a scared pitcher tosses four limp balls to a batter.

Example: "I wonder if the media allows Palin to steal second? After all, they gave her an intentional walk."

- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.

NOTE: If you liked this article, there's plenty more in our Political Article Archive. What about if politics suck?! Lucky for you, we cover both Films as well as Music!!!