TontoandFriends.com

By Bustamante - therealbustamante@hotmail.com
 
Click HERE to comment on this article. 
Click HERE to subscribe to our feed!!!

America got to know Alaska Governor Sarah Palin last Friday. And, boy oh boy… did we get to know her.

A trooper scandal and an underage pregnant daughter.

The guy who organized Woodstock has more executive experience than her. So, sure, we learned a lot about her these past few days, but what don’t we know? That’s where I come in!

Here’s some of the upcoming Sarah Palin scandals we’re sure to find out about in the coming days and weeks.  

Gov. Palin Didn’t Watch Northern Exposure – For Five years in the early 90s, Northern Exposure rocked CBS viewers weekly with tales of a transplanted New York doctor treating patients in Cicely, Alaska. Where was Gov. Palin at the time? Uh, duh… watching Beverly Hills 90210.

Instead of supporting her adopted home state, Palin spent her Thursday evenings (sometimes Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday if my TV guide memory serves) watching the exploits of rich pre-yuppies gallivanting across Beverly Hills.

If she can’t put the rating of a show based in her own state first, how can we expect her to put her country first?! NOTE: Gov. Palin has gone on record saying that Cliffhanger is her favorite Stallone film.  

[NOTE FROM THE CHIEF: Cliffhanger (3 stars, according to Vans) was not set in Alaska... if that was the connection trying to be made. - Tonto]  

She Named a Pet Moose, “Chixouackamale” – On the surface, it sounds like a quirky enough name for a pet moose, but look up the meaning of “Chixouackamale” it’s native tongue, and you’ll get a deeper insight into Palin’s true feelings. According to the Official Alaskan Tribal Dictionary Website (which happens to be down, so I can’t provide a link, the official meaning of Chixouackamale is, “God damn it, we’re not connected to ‘um anyway, so let’s break away from the US and make Alaska it’s own marginal country of potheads… and we’ll take Hawaii too, if they’re up for it!” Later, after some initial controversy, the moose was renamed, “Larry.”  

Todd Palin Tried out for Survivor Season II - Typically, spouses are off limits, but usually that only is the case when a woman is placed in the “spouse” category.” Thankfully, we can now take a look at a particular exploit of Palin’s husband, Todd. While only lukewarm to the idea of surviving on deserted island for cash on TV, the success of season one Survivor sparked a gleam in Todd Palin’s eye. He was destined for reality TV stardom!

He made an audition video highlighting his strengths and how he would make a great contestant. He emphasized how he would be sure to use as many, “wacky Alaskan phrases and sayings which will endear [him] to the American public… Hell, if a naked gay guy can win this thing, I should have no problem… It’d be like outrunning a penguin on that sticky stuff you put down on the ice to catch ‘em and then hit them with a blunt object leaving them not killed, but temporarily paralyzed. Next, you take your dullest knife (it’s more fun that way) and you chop their head off. Finally, you take the rest of the birdy and grill up a proper ‘guin dog!”

The Survivor producers went in another direction.

- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.  

NOTE (lots of "NOTES" in this one): If you like Bustamante (and who doesn't), you'll love our Political Article Archive. If you like Bustamante, but want to read about movies, our Film Article Archive is what you're craving. Finally, if don't like Bustamante or movies, you'll be saved by our Ask a Pirate Archives!!!